Friday, June 3, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Sometime's, I start to wonder why any of us do this to ourselves. Is our society so corrupt that we cannot allow ourselves to look the way we are? We should all be beautiful, but I suppose that's why we're all in this. To change that. To feel beautiful. To look beautiful.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
For the last couple of weeks, I've been extremely cautious about all foods
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I almost hit a horse. A beautiful white horse. But I didn't even see it until my mom was yelling for me to stop the car, and even then I slowed down very carefully and finally came to a complete stop right behind the horse. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't been there. I just didn't see the horse. How could I have missed such a large animal? I mean, it was right there in the middle of the road and I just completely missed it. Either way, it's a bad sign.
I ended up having to go to the doctor's office yesterday in order to get myself checked out. My doctor wants me to come off of the wellbutrin I've been on and see if it helps. I have to make a new appointment with my psychiatrist to make sure that it's okay I come off of it, but I'm sure, for everyone's safety around me and my own, he'll agree it's for the best. I've just never been so fidgety and my hands are shaking all the time now. I can't see clearly and my headaches feel as though they will never end. I'm getting upset easily again…I just don't know what more I can do. I feel as if I've gone insane.
*My therapist is back from her maternity leave, and I have an appointment set up with her soon. Thankfully. I would have gone crazy not having someone to talk to about how ridiculous my life has been the last couple of weeks.
*Boyfriend and I are doing really well. We had our 9 months this past Sunday. Unfortunately, even though I got to spend the day with him, I hadn't been feeling well, and was a bit out of it, so he spent the day worrying about me. It was nice just to cuddle though - even if cuddling for us always leads to something more…
*I have my job back. I don't know if I mentioned not working, but I was let go. They called and offered my job back this past Friday, and I started back yesterday. It was great seeing the kids again.
*My diet seems healthier than ever. Within 3 days, I lost 4 pounds. My secret? - Honey Nut Crunch. Breakfast-Lunch-Dinner. No kidding. I just eat cereal a couple times a day, and that's it. It's got so much fiber in it, the calories basically burn themselves. The only exercise I even did those 3 days was have sex…
*I'm kind of happy now.
I hope all of you lovely ladies have a fantastic week. <3
Thursday, February 10, 2011
My god. I haven't felt this fat in weeks. I don't know what it is. Maybe the fact I had sex with my boyfriend last night, and it was just strange because all I was thinking the whole time was that I wish I was smaller - for him. I want him to be proud of me, not ashamed.
Friday, February 4, 2011
I work at a daycare. I assume I’ve already mentioned this once or even twice before, but it’s true. I work with kids because I cannot stand people my own age or adults who don’t know their head from their asses. The women at work are still watching me, waiting for me to eat and then run to the bathroom to purge like I used to. I just don’t eat while I’m there anymore. I buy a Monster and the beginning of the day, and it lasts until I get off work. When I go home, if I have to eat, I eat a little bit of fruit and a little bit of veggies. I still with this on most of my days.
It’s finally warming up a tad bit so that I’ve started walking/jogging again. I’ll start running next week if it gets warmer, but the cold air, while it does good for my lungs, makes it difficult to keep running once I begin. I continuously do my night time work out, which consists of various movements from crunchless abs and stretched and such I remember from cheerleading, and crunches. The jumping jacks we did for cheerleading are different compared to the normal ones, but they’re more advanced and work much more than just normal ones do. I think I may begin to jump rope again. It’s been quite some time, and I used to be pro at it.
Perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m worried I won’t get to my goal weight anytime soon. Well, my first one, anyways. I’m at 131 as of this morning, and I should be at 125. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or if I am even doing anything wrong. It’s frustrating, but I suppose I chose this, so I must see it through. I never give up on something once I start it. Quitters fail and never try again. I’m no quitter.
I’m almost feeling happier mentally lately. I suppose the working out bringing out more endorphins had been good for me, but I also have to thank the medicines I’m on. (Even if I do still believe they are just placebo pills and it’s all in my mind.) Lol. Whatever works. I don’t have therapy again until the 8th, but I kind of miss it. I like being able to talk to someone who is outside of my life and it gives me a new perspective. I need a new outlook. Perceptions from others help me form these outlooks.
I’m such a waste of space. Too much space, it’s disgusting. And I hate how everyone acts like I’m not gross to look at, but whatever. I got a hoodie I ordered finally. It’s black, so it looks slimming, but it’s also kind of big on me, (even being a small!) and my boyfriend thinks I look good in it, so I think I’ll wear it as often as I like.
Alright, my thought processes are going a little haywire at the moment, so I’ll continue this another day when I can keep my thoughts in line and actually see this screen.
Stay Thin! <3
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I've been eating normally again for the past week or so. Some days I eat an actual meal (just one) and that's it, some days I'll eat some sort of fruit and that's it. I haven't gained, I lost a little, but it's not enough. My boyfriend got on me about the whole eating thing again last night when we went to dinner for his friend's birthday. I should have known he would watch me when I ate. I got a cheeseburger with fries - yes, I actually ate it all - but there was no weight gain because it went right through me.