127.5

I'm wearing a size 3 now. It's kind of funny, considering I still feel huge, but I fit in these small pants and shorts now. I guess I would love to say I'm happy with this, but in reality, I'll never be happy with my weight until I'm down to at least 115. For now, that is. I didn't initially start out with a goal weight, but I know now that if I want a goal weight, it would have to be a weight that I can maintain and not draw too much attention to myself. My mom knows about my eating disorders, but I don't really know what I can do about it at this point.

Dad bought me a new laptop this weekend for when I go to college. It's a pure white MacBook, and I'm in love with it already.

Anyways, I'll keep my weights posted as I lose the weight I want. I wish I had more time to blog, but I can at least read other people's when I get the chance! Good luck girls! <3

Cry Baby.

Sometime's, I start to wonder why any of us do this to ourselves. Is our society so corrupt that we cannot allow ourselves to look the way we are? We should all be beautiful, but I suppose that's why we're all in this. To change that. To feel beautiful. To look beautiful.

I was running away from my boyfriend last night when he came over and laughing, and he finally caught me and just looked at me. I felt exactly what he was thinking when he looked at me that way. He wonders if I'm really laughing or if it's fake laughter. I wish I could have told him then and there it was real, but then I started wondering the same thing. How could I possibly be able to enjoy something and laugh when I have so much I want to change about myself?

I can't laugh at myself for the problems I have. Most of them are psyche problems, but all the same, I can't laugh at it. I wish with everything I have I could just laugh everything off like I did when I was a kid, but things changed, I matured, I started hating myself and now this is the result.

I'm only happy when he's around. My boyfriend, that is. I'm still utterly self-conscious, but he makes me feel like I don't need to be. I guess I'm just happy he's happy when he's with me, so I feel a little bit better when he's around. I explained to him everything I want to do, and when I was reading online yesterday, I took a little survey thing to find out my ideal weight, and it said 118. I was thinking, "Oh, I would just be happy to be 125 again." But, in the back of my mind, I knew I would never just stop at 125. I could pretend right now that I would, but this being so much more of a psychological issue than a physical issue, I wouldn't let it go.

Despite the strange feelings building up in me as I write this all down, I still think that Ana is one of the best things I've ever had happen to me. I'm still losing, I'm working out, working on my abs especially and running again, which is amazing to me since I still smoke, but I don't get out of breath, thank goodness.

I hope all of you girls are doing well and will continue to allow me to read your blogs. I love the inspiration I feel reading every single one of them.

Good luck. <3

Black Out.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been extremely cautious about all foods

that enter my body. I'm always looking at what's in food, but it's become

even more of an obsession than usual, lately.

I spoke with my boyfriend about how I have this issue with my weight.

We've been together almost 11 months now, and he's somewhat known about it, but not truly the extent to it. He doesn't understand why I think I'm fat,

because he loves me the way I am. I guess that's understandable, but he also

agrees that if I don't love myself, then I should be able to do whatever I want

in order to find that self-love, rather than self-hatred. He's all for me feeling

better about myself.

Considering all of the health issues I have been going through recently,

I was told not to start any new regimes for weight-loss which included

diet pills, but of course I did anyways. I had started to read updates from GNC,

and they had a deal on some diet pills for fat-loss called Phenorex,

so of course I went and bought some. I started taking them this past Saturday,

and while I've only lost 6 pounds, the energy I gained is incredible.

I mean, my mood hasn't been this good in so long. My parents noticed a

difference, as well as my boyfriend. He likes it because it makes me

more playful, and he said he missed my smile, so I take it that it's a good

change, even if none of them really know it's because of those pills.

I'm also taking medication for my anxiety, but I've been feeling much better

lately, and it's been quite some time since my last seizure, so I figure

it's safe to be attempting this new medication.

Anyways, today is Senior Skip Day at my school, and being a Senior, I should

be at home sleeping right now. Of course, since my boyfriend and I are

not attending prom, I figured there was no need in skipping for I had nothing

better to be doing.

And, also - I need to know what you girls are doing to really skip out

on pounds. I know fasting is helping many of you, but if you could give

me some more ideas, that would be fantastic.

Think Thin. <3

I'm a Wreck.

I almost hit a horse. A beautiful white horse. But I didn't even see it until my mom was yelling for me to stop the car, and even then I slowed down very carefully and finally came to a complete stop right behind the horse. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't been there. I just didn't see the horse. How could I have missed such a large animal? I mean, it was right there in the middle of the road and I just completely missed it. Either way, it's a bad sign.

I ended up having to go to the doctor's office yesterday in order to get myself checked out. My doctor wants me to come off of the wellbutrin I've been on and see if it helps. I have to make a new appointment with my psychiatrist to make sure that it's okay I come off of it, but I'm sure, for everyone's safety around me and my own, he'll agree it's for the best. I've just never been so fidgety and my hands are shaking all the time now. I can't see clearly and my headaches feel as though they will never end. I'm getting upset easily again…I just don't know what more I can do. I feel as if I've gone insane.

Better news:

*My therapist is back from her maternity leave, and I have an appointment set up with her soon. Thankfully. I would have gone crazy not having someone to talk to about how ridiculous my life has been the last couple of weeks.

*Boyfriend and I are doing really well. We had our 9 months this past Sunday. Unfortunately, even though I got to spend the day with him, I hadn't been feeling well, and was a bit out of it, so he spent the day worrying about me. It was nice just to cuddle though - even if cuddling for us always leads to something more…

*I have my job back. I don't know if I mentioned not working, but I was let go. They called and offered my job back this past Friday, and I started back yesterday. It was great seeing the kids again.

*My diet seems healthier than ever. Within 3 days, I lost 4 pounds. My secret? - Honey Nut Crunch. Breakfast-Lunch-Dinner. No kidding. I just eat cereal a couple times a day, and that's it. It's got so much fiber in it, the calories basically burn themselves. The only exercise I even did those 3 days was have sex…

*I'm kind of happy now.

I hope all of you lovely ladies have a fantastic week. <3

HUGE.

My god. I haven't felt this fat in weeks. I don't know what it is. Maybe the fact I had sex with my boyfriend last night, and it was just strange because all I was thinking the whole time was that I wish I was smaller - for him. I want him to be proud of me, not ashamed.

I want him to want me on his arm.

I want him to want to be seen with me.

I want him to be able to pick me up like he always threatens to do.

I want him to be able to try new things with a thin girlfriend.

Mainly, I want him to leave me so I'll have something more to be upset about and maybe actually lose this weight quicker.

I also know that if he left me, I'd become so depressed, I would probably fall back into eating all of the time. I hate that, but I guess I'm better off making him suffer being with me than him leaving me.

I'm so selfish. I just wish I could lose more weight. I'm at 130. A steady 130, but it's still too much. I just can't seem to get over this plateau. I would like for something who actually understands this to help me out.

Does anyone really know how to help though?

Bearing the Burden of a Secret Storm.

I work at a daycare. I assume I’ve already mentioned this once or even twice before, but it’s true. I work with kids because I cannot stand people my own age or adults who don’t know their head from their asses. The women at work are still watching me, waiting for me to eat and then run to the bathroom to purge like I used to. I just don’t eat while I’m there anymore. I buy a Monster and the beginning of the day, and it lasts until I get off work. When I go home, if I have to eat, I eat a little bit of fruit and a little bit of veggies. I still with this on most of my days.

It’s finally warming up a tad bit so that I’ve started walking/jogging again. I’ll start running next week if it gets warmer, but the cold air, while it does good for my lungs, makes it difficult to keep running once I begin. I continuously do my night time work out, which consists of various movements from crunchless abs and stretched and such I remember from cheerleading, and crunches. The jumping jacks we did for cheerleading are different compared to the normal ones, but they’re more advanced and work much more than just normal ones do. I think I may begin to jump rope again. It’s been quite some time, and I used to be pro at it.

Perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m worried I won’t get to my goal weight anytime soon. Well, my first one, anyways. I’m at 131 as of this morning, and I should be at 125. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or if I am even doing anything wrong. It’s frustrating, but I suppose I chose this, so I must see it through. I never give up on something once I start it. Quitters fail and never try again. I’m no quitter.

I’m almost feeling happier mentally lately. I suppose the working out bringing out more endorphins had been good for me, but I also have to thank the medicines I’m on. (Even if I do still believe they are just placebo pills and it’s all in my mind.) Lol. Whatever works. I don’t have therapy again until the 8^th, but I kind of miss it. I like being able to talk to someone who is outside of my life and it gives me a new perspective. I need a new outlook. Perceptions from others help me form these outlooks.

I’m such a waste of space. Too much space, it’s disgusting. And I hate how everyone acts like I’m not gross to look at, but whatever. I got a hoodie I ordered finally. It’s black, so it looks slimming, but it’s also kind of big on me, (even being a small!) and my boyfriend thinks I look good in it, so I think I’ll wear it as often as I like.

Alright, my thought processes are going a little haywire at the moment, so I’ll continue this another day when I can keep my thoughts in line and actually see this screen.

Stay Thin! <3

LOST.

I've been eating normally again for the past week or so. Some days I eat an actual meal (just one) and that's it, some days I'll eat some sort of fruit and that's it. I haven't gained, I lost a little, but it's not enough. My boyfriend got on me about the whole eating thing again last night when we went to dinner for his friend's birthday. I should have known he would watch me when I ate. I got a cheeseburger with fries - yes, I actually ate it all - but there was no weight gain because it went right through me.

I'm worried about how my weight will be effected when I go to college. If I ever almost gain the "freshman fifthteen" I'll probably kill someone.

Boyfriend thinks we should move in together - mainly because he thinks I'm going to stay here and go to college here. I want out of this place though. We'll see what happens.

I just hope all of you wonderful girls out there keep up with your blogs. I miss reading. <3

Epiphany.

I woke up this morning with this amazing thought - I can do this. I'm still fluctuating between 130 and 132, but it's because of these damn constant binges. It's not like I WANT it to happen. It makes me super disappointed in myself that I can't control myself.

Starting today, however, I'm going to try this so-called GM diet. Or, better yet, I'm fasting today and attempting that diet starting tomorrow, since I don't currently have fruits with me - I'm in class.

On another note, I don't have my class at college today, so I'm going straight to work after I leave this hell-hole called High School. It won't be so bad today, at least. Did I mention I work with kids? Seeing their tiny bodies is so helpful. They're constantly questioning why I'm not eating though, which kind of makes me sad, but when they do it, I just tell them I already ate before I got there.

The women I work with thought for a while I was bulimic. It's kind of funny, because I am, but I went on this whole dramatic rage at work one day calling out the girl who said it because she heard me throwing up, and just lied and told them I was sick. I don't like lying to people, but I also don't want it getting back to my mom. I don't think she could handle it with me already being in therapy.

I'm ready for a change. I know everyone says that, but for the first time in a LONG time, I actually mean it. My psychiatrist said that he could see a "real change" in my progress when I went to see him yesterday. We'll see what my therapist says when I see her on Tuesday.

I'm not trying to do better because of the whole therapy thing. My mind is improving without the stresses of everything up until recently. The school schedule I had, the people I hung out with, the lack of sleep and so on, so forth. I guess I'm just trying to keep myself calm.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I'm bipolar. And I have OCD. And, they haven't figured out why I don't want to be checked out for the whole ADHD thing, and honestly - I don't want the stigma that comes with being ADHD. L0l. That sounds kind of weird, I know - but I've been hospitalized enough times to know that those kinds of people get shit for it all the time, and I'd prefer not to get that.

I miss being able to run. It's been damn near impossible around here lately due to the snow. Stupid state can't handle a little bit of snow. I hate the South. I hate America, to be honest. I want to get out of here so bad, but obviously, until I graduate high school and go to college, I won't be able to. As soon as I do though, I'm out of here. I'd bet a lot on it.

How about my boyfriend starting arguing with me the other night about why I won't let him read this blog. I have another one, that my real-life friends can read and it doesn't mention my eating habits, but he knows I have two and can't stand that I won't let him read it. I just know he won't like what it says. He also asked me, "What would you do if I found it anyways?" And I told him, "Break up with you." He can hate me for it, but I don't want him thinking about everything I'm going through while we're dating. That's more information than he needs to know, except he does know about the whole bulimia thing...he just doesn't know I don't want to stop...

I hope everyone who's still blogging updates soon. I love reading them during class! <3

No chance, No way.

I want to be skinny. Please make me skinny.

I'm tired of living in the body of a fat girl. It's gross and I feel weighed down

thanks to all this excessive weight it has. Who can live like this? That's right - fat girls. I shouldn't be a fat girl though. I know I'm not meant to live like this. So,

what the fuck happened to me that made me get stuck this way?

I'm tired of ranting and bitching. I just need to do something about it. Starting tomorrow, no food anymore. Every three days I'll eat, but nothing more than that. And all I'll have is some sort of fruit or vegetable without any calories involved, and start taking fiber and protein pills.

We'll see how this works out. As for the rest of you, I really do miss seeing

your posts, but it seems a lot of you aren't posting anymore. What a shame.