Definitely the best thing for me. I don't know how I'd make it through the day without coffee and cigarettes. <3
Stay Strong today ladies. (:
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
'Diet'
Definitely the best thing for me. I don't know how I'd make it through the day without coffee and cigarettes. <3
Stay Strong today ladies. (:
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
'Mama said there'd be days like this...'
So, day nine of my fast. I don't feel quite as sick anymore. It's actually starting to make me feel normal again, thankfully. I don't know how much more of the 'being sick' I could possibly take. Considering I was seriously sick, it's good to be getting better. At least I'll be able to control my eating without any choice at all. Which, is kind of dumb when I think about it, but I'm super controlling, so I guess it isn't that weird. I guess I'm just not in the mood to have something else judge whether or not I can eat, but me. I think this week is going to be okay. I have exams, like I've already pointed out in latter postings, but I'm finally starting to feel like I'll be alright with this. I can use a cheat sheet for one of them, and it's the only one I was worried about. (:
After school yesterday, I went and hung out with some friends. Let's call them Ash, Trish and Eric. I'm using fake names for them, just for their own privacy. Anyways, so we all went to Waffle House to get some coffee and smoke. It was fantastic, and considering how often I go get coffee and just sit in the re to smoke, that's saying something. After we finished up there, Trish and I headed to this spot in my neighborhood where we usually go and park and we walked along the dirt road behind houses just smoking and enjoying silence. She's a lot like me, but then again, she's absolutely nothing like me. While I'm brunette, have hazel eyes, a bigger body, and style (ha) she's a red head, has blue eyes, a bit thinner than me, and she's kind of just awkward - that's being polite. But damn if the girl isn't smart, and that's one of the main reasons I enjoy her company. Everyone else I hang out with is either lame in the way they're too preppy for me, or they talk too much shit about people. She's not like that - she's much more mature, like myself. Thank God. I'd probably go crazy without at least one person trying to keep me sane. And luckily, she's in my AP and Honors classes, so I'm not the only smart one in there, either. (:
I don't know for sure when I'll complete this fast. I'm not getting hungry, but I'm also not getting very thirsty, so I think I'll up the work outs and create a reason to keep drinking. And I'm wondering if anyone out there does anything different diet wise. I understand fasting, and restricting, but is there anything in particular someone can do to lose the pounds quicker? Like, a certain food they only eat or something like that? Since my mom's starting to worry about me not eating, I don't know how much longer I can keep it up, and I don't want to start eating until I have an idea about what I SHOULD be eating compared to what I think I should be eating.
I'm obsessed with coffee and cigarettes. I haven't gone a whole day without having both of them since I started drinking coffee over the summer. Before I'd just make it through the day with the cigarettes, but now I need them both or I'm in a bad mood all the time. It's weird, but that's how obsession works, I suppose. I'm guessing I'm not the only one who drinks it, but I love how it makes me feel as though I don't need food, which is why it goes so well with cigarettes and weed, because it keeps down cravings amazingly.
My jeans are starting to feel less tight, lucky for me. I mean, I usually get the right size, but the ones I got that were smaller than needed, for inspiration to lose the weight, are fitting better. Much better. I've only been back with Ana for a couple weeks. I think this time I can really get focused. Considering how much I partied and smoked over the Christmas break and how much I've been sick, I don't think I have to worry about gaining any weight anytime soon.
Mom asked me if I'm planning on going to the prom this year - I suppose I am, but I don't know who I'll go with. I don't really want to go with a group, but I'd prefer a group to going solo, but then again I don't know how much I want just a date, you know? It's all so confusing. I'll have to start dating again, because I don't want to go to prom and have my date expect things from me he hasn't earned, and I don't do things with boys I don't know. I wouldn't plan on having sex, or anything, but come on. Prom to boys is just another way to get in a girls pants. Everyone knows that. I'm no good at dating though. I'm what they call a recycler. Ha, it's pathetic. I'm forever breaking up with, and then getting back together with guys I've dated a thousand times. It's not so bad, since we can usually get right back into the whole dating scene without the awkward first date and first kiss, but it's never the same after that first date and first kiss, you know? I like the excitement and the butterflies that come with dating, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for it right now. I would love to be, sure, but what about if he found out about this blog and my condition? What if he didn't want me after that? What if he tried to 'fix' me? I just couldn't handle any of that. And, with my luck he would find out almost immediately about this. Or, weirder, he might actually already know about the blog. Ha, yeah right. Not a chance. (:
I'm just spacing, I suppose. I can't keep on topic this morning, probably because I'm listening to music at the same time as typing. I'm in class, which is why I've got to much free time. We have nothing to do thanks to the exams, but it's all good. I was actually lame enough yesterday to go on Barnes and Noble.com and order a book during this class. I got the e-mail this morning saying it's been shipped. Ha. Maybe I should have given them the school address, seeing as how I bought it while in school…but there would be questions from the school, and that's just not worth it.
I've been listening to 90's music so much lately, it's weird. I mean, it's crazy how I remember almost ever song I hear, just because I never considered that I would ever remember them, and actually doing it is beyond insane. A couple indie bands I love have been doing whole records remaking 90's music, and omg it's amazing. I can't get enough of it. I can't even explain it. All the teenage angst music of today compared to the music we grew up with is just so different, I almost feel free when I listen to it. Takes me back to easier times, not worrying about guys, or anything except for how I looked - and pathetically enough, I haven't changed on that issue. Don't get me wrong, I should care how I look, since other people do, but I want to care because of ME, not because I'm trying to impress others.
Sorry, this has been a sappy post, but it's all good. Get it girl, get it, get it, girls. <3
After school yesterday, I went and hung out with some friends. Let's call them Ash, Trish and Eric. I'm using fake names for them, just for their own privacy. Anyways, so we all went to Waffle House to get some coffee and smoke. It was fantastic, and considering how often I go get coffee and just sit in the re to smoke, that's saying something. After we finished up there, Trish and I headed to this spot in my neighborhood where we usually go and park and we walked along the dirt road behind houses just smoking and enjoying silence. She's a lot like me, but then again, she's absolutely nothing like me. While I'm brunette, have hazel eyes, a bigger body, and style (ha) she's a red head, has blue eyes, a bit thinner than me, and she's kind of just awkward - that's being polite. But damn if the girl isn't smart, and that's one of the main reasons I enjoy her company. Everyone else I hang out with is either lame in the way they're too preppy for me, or they talk too much shit about people. She's not like that - she's much more mature, like myself. Thank God. I'd probably go crazy without at least one person trying to keep me sane. And luckily, she's in my AP and Honors classes, so I'm not the only smart one in there, either. (:
I don't know for sure when I'll complete this fast. I'm not getting hungry, but I'm also not getting very thirsty, so I think I'll up the work outs and create a reason to keep drinking. And I'm wondering if anyone out there does anything different diet wise. I understand fasting, and restricting, but is there anything in particular someone can do to lose the pounds quicker? Like, a certain food they only eat or something like that? Since my mom's starting to worry about me not eating, I don't know how much longer I can keep it up, and I don't want to start eating until I have an idea about what I SHOULD be eating compared to what I think I should be eating.
I'm obsessed with coffee and cigarettes. I haven't gone a whole day without having both of them since I started drinking coffee over the summer. Before I'd just make it through the day with the cigarettes, but now I need them both or I'm in a bad mood all the time. It's weird, but that's how obsession works, I suppose. I'm guessing I'm not the only one who drinks it, but I love how it makes me feel as though I don't need food, which is why it goes so well with cigarettes and weed, because it keeps down cravings amazingly.
My jeans are starting to feel less tight, lucky for me. I mean, I usually get the right size, but the ones I got that were smaller than needed, for inspiration to lose the weight, are fitting better. Much better. I've only been back with Ana for a couple weeks. I think this time I can really get focused. Considering how much I partied and smoked over the Christmas break and how much I've been sick, I don't think I have to worry about gaining any weight anytime soon.
Mom asked me if I'm planning on going to the prom this year - I suppose I am, but I don't know who I'll go with. I don't really want to go with a group, but I'd prefer a group to going solo, but then again I don't know how much I want just a date, you know? It's all so confusing. I'll have to start dating again, because I don't want to go to prom and have my date expect things from me he hasn't earned, and I don't do things with boys I don't know. I wouldn't plan on having sex, or anything, but come on. Prom to boys is just another way to get in a girls pants. Everyone knows that. I'm no good at dating though. I'm what they call a recycler. Ha, it's pathetic. I'm forever breaking up with, and then getting back together with guys I've dated a thousand times. It's not so bad, since we can usually get right back into the whole dating scene without the awkward first date and first kiss, but it's never the same after that first date and first kiss, you know? I like the excitement and the butterflies that come with dating, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for it right now. I would love to be, sure, but what about if he found out about this blog and my condition? What if he didn't want me after that? What if he tried to 'fix' me? I just couldn't handle any of that. And, with my luck he would find out almost immediately about this. Or, weirder, he might actually already know about the blog. Ha, yeah right. Not a chance. (:
I'm just spacing, I suppose. I can't keep on topic this morning, probably because I'm listening to music at the same time as typing. I'm in class, which is why I've got to much free time. We have nothing to do thanks to the exams, but it's all good. I was actually lame enough yesterday to go on Barnes and Noble.com and order a book during this class. I got the e-mail this morning saying it's been shipped. Ha. Maybe I should have given them the school address, seeing as how I bought it while in school…but there would be questions from the school, and that's just not worth it.
I've been listening to 90's music so much lately, it's weird. I mean, it's crazy how I remember almost ever song I hear, just because I never considered that I would ever remember them, and actually doing it is beyond insane. A couple indie bands I love have been doing whole records remaking 90's music, and omg it's amazing. I can't get enough of it. I can't even explain it. All the teenage angst music of today compared to the music we grew up with is just so different, I almost feel free when I listen to it. Takes me back to easier times, not worrying about guys, or anything except for how I looked - and pathetically enough, I haven't changed on that issue. Don't get me wrong, I should care how I look, since other people do, but I want to care because of ME, not because I'm trying to impress others.
Sorry, this has been a sappy post, but it's all good. Get it girl, get it, get it, girls. <3
Monday, January 4, 2010
'Careless Whisper'
Today's the first day back from break. Ugh, so not looking forward to exams this week, but it's just going to help me with Ana, so I'm all for it. (: So, it's been a week since my last food travesty. I tried eating, but because I've been drinking and smoking so much, but body won't let me eat, and I can barely keep down drink without feeling like I'll be sick. Oh well, it's helped so more. Down 4 more, so it's definitely worth it in my eyes. I just wish I didn't feel so nasty all the time. Hopefully I'll be in more control and just choose not to eat by the end of this week. Either that, or my mom's going to make me go see a doctor. I keep telling her I don't feel good - but she's all like, "maybe you should try eating again" but I don't feel like getting sick, again. I mean damn. I spent the late morning of New Year's hugging Johnny, so yeah. I think I'm good for another year with the whole throw up thing. Ha. Anyways, with exams stressing me, I haven't even considered starting to worry about next semester, but I guess I should. I have all four core classes. It basically sucks, but I chose to double up on science this year, so it's my own damn fault.
I'm so lucky to have a new texting buddy. I still text with some old ones, but this new one is fabu. Same age, same issues. It's definitely going to work out. And btw, my title does indeed represent that song 'Careless Whisper' by George Michaels. It's pathetic, but it's catchy and makes me feel better. I don't know why, it's not even a happy song. Ha. Anyways…
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I need to get centered again. I guess this break was a good thing, and it came up at the perfect time. I wasn't home like, any of the time, so I didn't have my mom around to pressure me into eating every hour. Ha, I mean she's never tried to feed me that much, but you get the point. I'm just ready to have school over with, for real. On the real, I'm ready for summer. I plan to be at least 20 pounds lighter, and be able to keep it off, maybe even more. I mean, I can lose it super fast, but the problem is getting my body to keep it gone. Which, I'm sure other people have issues with too. Oh, and everyone, fantastic revelation! Rap music makes you not want to eat. As long as you find music that's dance-worthy, you'll stay thirsty maybe, but sure as hell you won't be hungry if you feel like dancing. Try it out, and I promise you, it'll work. (:
Well, I'm chill for now on this…so I'll post later. Good luck kids. <3
I'm so lucky to have a new texting buddy. I still text with some old ones, but this new one is fabu. Same age, same issues. It's definitely going to work out. And btw, my title does indeed represent that song 'Careless Whisper' by George Michaels. It's pathetic, but it's catchy and makes me feel better. I don't know why, it's not even a happy song. Ha. Anyways…
-----------------------------------------------------> <----------------------------------------
I need to get centered again. I guess this break was a good thing, and it came up at the perfect time. I wasn't home like, any of the time, so I didn't have my mom around to pressure me into eating every hour. Ha, I mean she's never tried to feed me that much, but you get the point. I'm just ready to have school over with, for real. On the real, I'm ready for summer. I plan to be at least 20 pounds lighter, and be able to keep it off, maybe even more. I mean, I can lose it super fast, but the problem is getting my body to keep it gone. Which, I'm sure other people have issues with too. Oh, and everyone, fantastic revelation! Rap music makes you not want to eat. As long as you find music that's dance-worthy, you'll stay thirsty maybe, but sure as hell you won't be hungry if you feel like dancing. Try it out, and I promise you, it'll work. (:
Well, I'm chill for now on this…so I'll post later. Good luck kids. <3
Saturday, January 2, 2010
"Not Even Slightly Impressed"
My New Years Resolution: Drink & Don't Let Anyone Ruin Your Good Time. And it was hella chill, btw. I had a great time, and for the week leading up to last night, I haven't eaten a thing - and this morning when I weighed in, I was down at least 4 pounds. Thank the lord. I wasn't thinking, "Oh I won't lose anything." Because I knew I would, especially considering the fact I over-drank night before last and threw up any and everything I had had to drink…
I'm way proud of myself. I didn't sleep around with anyone while I was at the party New Year's. I almost did, supposedly but I was not even slightly impressed by anyone there. Sure, I kissed a bunch of guys when midnight came around, just because everyone was going around in a circle and thought it funny, but I didn't find anyone I was super into. Which, isn't much of a shock considering I don't know what I want in a guy anymore.
I've been feeling sick as hell lately. I mean, I can't eat - and although that's a great thing for me - I miss when I have the choice to eat and I choose not to, at the moment I have no choice and I feel like it's my body trying to tell me something. It's not the best feeling in the world, but I'll deal. I just hate being sick.
I'm considering doing some New Year's clothes shopping today - but I don't know if I'm really in the mood right now. I mean, other than feeling sick, I'm still hung over, and I got way high night before last and last night, so I'm feeling kind of sick in that way too. No lies, it was completely worth it, but still.
Now, I've decided I need another New Years Resolution that doesn't have anything to do with the one I've already achieved. Maybe I should Resolve to become more engrossed in Ana? But see, that idea, while it's commendable, isn't for me. I could Resolve to try be a nicer person, maybe focus on making new friends? But see, that idea, which commendable, is stupid considering how much I don't like the people I'm already friends with or anyone else from my hell hole of a school. See - I'm just having too much trouble figuring this out, which is probably why I can never keep up with my Resolutions. It's like my friend said New Years Night : "Life's temporary; like New Years Resolutions." She's a prophet. Ha. (:
And now, considering the fact that I've lost almost my normal 2 day weight loss in under 2 days, I think I may be able to relax today. I mean, I want to go shopping, just grab some non-descript shirts and sweaters, and then maybe I'll hit my gym this afternoon, who knows. It seems like my newer posts are much shorter than the original ones, but when I have more time, I'll make it up to everyone.
Wish my luck kids. <3
I'm way proud of myself. I didn't sleep around with anyone while I was at the party New Year's. I almost did, supposedly but I was not even slightly impressed by anyone there. Sure, I kissed a bunch of guys when midnight came around, just because everyone was going around in a circle and thought it funny, but I didn't find anyone I was super into. Which, isn't much of a shock considering I don't know what I want in a guy anymore.
I've been feeling sick as hell lately. I mean, I can't eat - and although that's a great thing for me - I miss when I have the choice to eat and I choose not to, at the moment I have no choice and I feel like it's my body trying to tell me something. It's not the best feeling in the world, but I'll deal. I just hate being sick.
I'm considering doing some New Year's clothes shopping today - but I don't know if I'm really in the mood right now. I mean, other than feeling sick, I'm still hung over, and I got way high night before last and last night, so I'm feeling kind of sick in that way too. No lies, it was completely worth it, but still.
Now, I've decided I need another New Years Resolution that doesn't have anything to do with the one I've already achieved. Maybe I should Resolve to become more engrossed in Ana? But see, that idea, while it's commendable, isn't for me. I could Resolve to try be a nicer person, maybe focus on making new friends? But see, that idea, which commendable, is stupid considering how much I don't like the people I'm already friends with or anyone else from my hell hole of a school. See - I'm just having too much trouble figuring this out, which is probably why I can never keep up with my Resolutions. It's like my friend said New Years Night : "Life's temporary; like New Years Resolutions." She's a prophet. Ha. (:
And now, considering the fact that I've lost almost my normal 2 day weight loss in under 2 days, I think I may be able to relax today. I mean, I want to go shopping, just grab some non-descript shirts and sweaters, and then maybe I'll hit my gym this afternoon, who knows. It seems like my newer posts are much shorter than the original ones, but when I have more time, I'll make it up to everyone.
Wish my luck kids. <3
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Get Over It.
I'm so over people thinking they have any right to say anything about the choices I make. I know I make mistakes, but HELLO ! They're my mistakes, and I can't grow unless I make them. What makes people think for a second that they have a right to judge me, when they don't know me, when they haven't TRIED to get to know me? I mean, seriously people. Don't be so idiotic all the time. Grow up. Do something actually productive. All you do when you try 'help' or try to 'understand' me is piss me off. No one has to understand my choices, which is really why they are exactly that, MY CHOICES. I guess I can understand the idea of helping someone, but I don't think I need help. I am the way I am, and just because someone thinks something's wrong with me doesn't mean there actually IS something wrong with me. I mean, what's so wrong with wanting to be prettier? Skinnier? Happier? I see absolutely nothing wrong with trying to make yourself better. I guess people like me go to some extremes, but there's nothing else that works, and I'm willing, more than anything to give up most everything in order to make myself better in the eyes of other people and in my own opinion. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I'm having an extremely good day. I popped three Triple C's this morning before school - I feel absolutely fan-freaking-tastic. I don't think I'd know what I would do without being able to take something in order to keep my mood up and happy. Things get so stressful sometimes, and what else can I do but help things along - especially since it's the only way I know how. I don't take them a lot, just on the occasion when I wake up in a bad mood, or if I have a feeling things won't go the way I want them to throughout the day - or even worse, on days I won't have cigarettes.
I'm basically psyched to get out of school. After today, our last full day, we only have the half day tomorrow and then we're off for vacation. I don't know what I would do if there was any more time between me and just doing my thing. I have so much I want to do over break - and I just hope I find all the time I need to do it. (:
So, the Fast isn't starting today - I was forced to eat a couple bites of chocolate cake today during French class - I was a judge for this cake contest. I think I might be sick though. I feel like I'll never eat again - which wouldn’t be a bad thing at all, you know? I just hope my stomach can still get rid of it when I feel the need soon. I'm in the middle of my teacher's Aide block, so I'm not doing anything but helping people out in the library today. It's pretty lame, I know. I do enjoy it most of the time though. I have a lot of free time, so if I forget to do homework, or really want to read a book - I'm right here, so there's no worries. I'm starting tomorrow, for sure though. I always like starting on even days anyways, so maybe this was a sign.
I'm deciding on what I want to get my friends for Christmas. I have no idea at the moment, so if anyone has any ideas for my GAY best friend (boy) and my girl best friend (red head), I'd appreciate it very much. And, they're both super preppy too. And they hate each other. Ha, otherwise they're just like everyone else. They used to be best friends too, until girl messed up and pissed off boy, so you know how that shit goes. Oh well, I still like them both, and I won't let their feelings for each other get in the way of me having the friends I want to have, digg? (:
I keep seeing girls come into the library who are absolutely disgusting to look at. They remind me why I hate to eat - they're quite large, but they don't seem to care that they are. People like that disgust me, it's just wrong to be okay with being huge. I wish that kind of thing didn't bother me, but on behalf of all Ana girls out there - I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that if they want to be fat, they should all just kill themselves already. At least have someone else kill them and put them out of their and MY misery, you know? Or do something to get skinny - anything's better than being that big. I guess they haven't got the memo…
That's all for now. I'll be back to catch everyone up on how this exciting day will end. Ha, later girls. Stay Strong and Think Thin! (:
I'm having an extremely good day. I popped three Triple C's this morning before school - I feel absolutely fan-freaking-tastic. I don't think I'd know what I would do without being able to take something in order to keep my mood up and happy. Things get so stressful sometimes, and what else can I do but help things along - especially since it's the only way I know how. I don't take them a lot, just on the occasion when I wake up in a bad mood, or if I have a feeling things won't go the way I want them to throughout the day - or even worse, on days I won't have cigarettes.
I'm basically psyched to get out of school. After today, our last full day, we only have the half day tomorrow and then we're off for vacation. I don't know what I would do if there was any more time between me and just doing my thing. I have so much I want to do over break - and I just hope I find all the time I need to do it. (:
So, the Fast isn't starting today - I was forced to eat a couple bites of chocolate cake today during French class - I was a judge for this cake contest. I think I might be sick though. I feel like I'll never eat again - which wouldn’t be a bad thing at all, you know? I just hope my stomach can still get rid of it when I feel the need soon. I'm in the middle of my teacher's Aide block, so I'm not doing anything but helping people out in the library today. It's pretty lame, I know. I do enjoy it most of the time though. I have a lot of free time, so if I forget to do homework, or really want to read a book - I'm right here, so there's no worries. I'm starting tomorrow, for sure though. I always like starting on even days anyways, so maybe this was a sign.
I'm deciding on what I want to get my friends for Christmas. I have no idea at the moment, so if anyone has any ideas for my GAY best friend (boy) and my girl best friend (red head), I'd appreciate it very much. And, they're both super preppy too. And they hate each other. Ha, otherwise they're just like everyone else. They used to be best friends too, until girl messed up and pissed off boy, so you know how that shit goes. Oh well, I still like them both, and I won't let their feelings for each other get in the way of me having the friends I want to have, digg? (:
I keep seeing girls come into the library who are absolutely disgusting to look at. They remind me why I hate to eat - they're quite large, but they don't seem to care that they are. People like that disgust me, it's just wrong to be okay with being huge. I wish that kind of thing didn't bother me, but on behalf of all Ana girls out there - I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that if they want to be fat, they should all just kill themselves already. At least have someone else kill them and put them out of their and MY misery, you know? Or do something to get skinny - anything's better than being that big. I guess they haven't got the memo…
That's all for now. I'll be back to catch everyone up on how this exciting day will end. Ha, later girls. Stay Strong and Think Thin! (:
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
"Broken and Confused..."
Ever wonder why things go the way they do? Yeah, me too. I've been questioning a lot lately which is kind of making me sick. I'm mostly questioning everything religion wise, which is insane, considering how tiring it makes me. I had a really long and serious discussion with my friend last night after this thing at school called a Thirst Lecture and it was about how different religions celebrate in Winter. So, it had us discussing religion and what we figured out was that religion is truly just another way for the government to control the masses. Maybe it's all fake. There was this movie, which is more like a documentary that my friend sent me about how fake religion truly is, and it makes me question things even further. I won't give examples, since this blog isn't usually about religion, but it's not helping me figure anything out - just makes me wonder why I'm always falling for the crap people tell us.
I've been keeping up with different blogs from my followers, and also the people I follow and I've got to say I'm not disappointed at all. I'm proud of everyone for keeping up with Ana and I'm glad everyone's doing good. We just all have to keep in mind that problems will definitely come along, but we have to move past them if we want to get to the point we need.
As for me, I'm not doing that great. Not in the whole, Ana thing, but basically because everything in my life is making me more and more stressed lately. It's not that I'm trying to stress, but with exams and everything, I'm wondering if maybe I should become Buddhist and try reach Nirvana, and possibly like, make myself not worry about it anymore.
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Yeah, so my school is having step team tryouts today. Can you say lame ? I'm not sure I've ever heard of anything so stupid. Especially considering all the wannabe black girls who are going to show up and probably make it, but only because they'll be the only ones to show. I don't understand how they can't just get it together and play a real sport. It's ridiculous. I used to think it might be fun to be on some sort of school dance team, but when I saw the turn out for it my freshman year, I just about peed myself and decided maybe it was for the best that dance was only a class you can take at school, rather than something that competes and represents the whole student body. It's embarrassing, I tell you. And this is also way off topic from what I was talking about. I just can't seem to keep my mind on the same subject for long periods of time. Is that a sign of ADD ? If it is, I definitely qualify to have it. Damn. I haven't blogged in so long, I feel like I'm losing my touch. This morning, during first block, my teacher decided we were going to watch a movie rather than take a test, which I didn't mind at all of course, and then it turned out that the movie was Julie and Julia, which just made me want to blog even more. I've missed it, but I've been so busy and stressed, I haven't had time to add anything new. I'm working on making time so that I can keep up with everybody because I feel absolutely and positively left out. Always getting notifications of everyone else's blog, and then I just don’t' put up anything new ? That's so wrong of me. Plus, I love the interaction of a blog. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not alone in the world out here. I'm looking forward to the holidays, and while I'm saying that, I'm also thinking to myself about how much I'm not. Of course, I want a car, but that's not really important at the moment, now is it ? What's important is keeping up with Ana and making a difference - a visible difference in my life. I've decided a Christmas Fast is in order. I'd appreciate the support and I'll support anyone who decides to join me in this challenge. I wouldn't ask anyone to do it with me, but if you offer…I wouldn’t feel so bad. Ha.
On another note - I've decided that maybe dating is a possibility again. With everything being so stressful, maybe a boy would be a good thing to have around, take some of the pressure off. As long as the guy knew from the start that I wasn't going to be playing games. I need a boy who respects me, but most of all one that respects my need to be alone most of the time. I'd like a boy I could have around me a lot, but also one I wouldn’t have to worry about constantly. I'm not saying I'd want some closed, but I'd like to know a guy who wouldn't go around doing stuff with all sorts of girls while he's got me with him. I know that doesn't make sense, but I don't share very well. Either he'd deal with the way things would have to be, or I can just find someone else. I don't need something serious, but I also would like a guy I could trust. Although, I'm sounding awfully hypocritical, considering the circumstances. And my need of all these things makes me wonder if I can even find a guy like that, especially since most of the good guys at my school, and even outside of the school, I've already dated, and recycled - so there aren't many choices without choosing a guy younger than me. Which I guess could be a good thing - they have less experience with the whole dating scene, and most guys who love to have an older girlfriend. Hm, I'll seriously consider this… I keep switching topics, but it's obviously what I'm good at. In case I've never mentioned it, I'm a girl with a whole lot of ideas - I read several books a day. I'm also quite fond of locking myself in my room, taking long walks in on cold winter nights just to think things over, and I have this crazy hunger for cigarettes every time I think about them. Which is something I shouldn't have just mentioned because now I feel as thought I REALLY need one. Which is ridiculous, but at the same time seems like a sign - a sign saying that I should probably stop smoking so much and find something else to be addicted to - and I've even considered what I could do instead of smoking; have lots and lots of innocent sex, become an alcoholic, chew gum incessantly, or even start collecting something or other - but alas, I like smoking too much to stop it. Ha. (:
Okay, so there's this guy who wants to fight me…which is hilarious, because I think I could totally take him. Ha, we've been at each other's throats for years, all because he's liked me and won't freaking admit it. Which, I kind of prefer that he didn't mention it, mostly because I don't feel the same, but the idea's still there. I'd like for us to be friends, but it seems like that will never happen since we never stop fighting - even through text messages. It's dank, but it should probably stop. He doesn't actually hurt my feelings, but at the same time, it bothers me. And then there's this other guy, who I've mentioned before, but there's so much to say about him, it's crazy. He's like, one of my very favorite people in the world, and I've dated him a couple of times in the past. It's just funny because his sister sent me a post on Facebook one day about how she thinks we should date again, and ever since I've felt myself actually considering it. I mean, it's not that I don't like him, because I do - a lot, actually. It's more the fact that he's tiny and I'm well, not. It's kind of sick of me to actually pay attention to that, but if you saw this boy, you'd know what I mean. I'm working on my problems, so I don't really want to bring him into my messed up mind, but at the same time, I feel like I'm being drawn to him, but I'm so not sure why.
And on that note, I'll take my leave for the time being. I'm just sitting in class as it is, and it appears I'm needed to do some shelving. Ha, right. Me doing work in this class - it's a crazy idea. Anyways, I hope everyone's doing okay, and I'd love for anyone up for it to join me in my Christmas Fast - It starts tomorrow, December 17th, 2009.
I've been keeping up with different blogs from my followers, and also the people I follow and I've got to say I'm not disappointed at all. I'm proud of everyone for keeping up with Ana and I'm glad everyone's doing good. We just all have to keep in mind that problems will definitely come along, but we have to move past them if we want to get to the point we need.
As for me, I'm not doing that great. Not in the whole, Ana thing, but basically because everything in my life is making me more and more stressed lately. It's not that I'm trying to stress, but with exams and everything, I'm wondering if maybe I should become Buddhist and try reach Nirvana, and possibly like, make myself not worry about it anymore.
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Yeah, so my school is having step team tryouts today. Can you say lame ? I'm not sure I've ever heard of anything so stupid. Especially considering all the wannabe black girls who are going to show up and probably make it, but only because they'll be the only ones to show. I don't understand how they can't just get it together and play a real sport. It's ridiculous. I used to think it might be fun to be on some sort of school dance team, but when I saw the turn out for it my freshman year, I just about peed myself and decided maybe it was for the best that dance was only a class you can take at school, rather than something that competes and represents the whole student body. It's embarrassing, I tell you. And this is also way off topic from what I was talking about. I just can't seem to keep my mind on the same subject for long periods of time. Is that a sign of ADD ? If it is, I definitely qualify to have it. Damn. I haven't blogged in so long, I feel like I'm losing my touch. This morning, during first block, my teacher decided we were going to watch a movie rather than take a test, which I didn't mind at all of course, and then it turned out that the movie was Julie and Julia, which just made me want to blog even more. I've missed it, but I've been so busy and stressed, I haven't had time to add anything new. I'm working on making time so that I can keep up with everybody because I feel absolutely and positively left out. Always getting notifications of everyone else's blog, and then I just don’t' put up anything new ? That's so wrong of me. Plus, I love the interaction of a blog. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not alone in the world out here. I'm looking forward to the holidays, and while I'm saying that, I'm also thinking to myself about how much I'm not. Of course, I want a car, but that's not really important at the moment, now is it ? What's important is keeping up with Ana and making a difference - a visible difference in my life. I've decided a Christmas Fast is in order. I'd appreciate the support and I'll support anyone who decides to join me in this challenge. I wouldn't ask anyone to do it with me, but if you offer…I wouldn’t feel so bad. Ha.
On another note - I've decided that maybe dating is a possibility again. With everything being so stressful, maybe a boy would be a good thing to have around, take some of the pressure off. As long as the guy knew from the start that I wasn't going to be playing games. I need a boy who respects me, but most of all one that respects my need to be alone most of the time. I'd like a boy I could have around me a lot, but also one I wouldn’t have to worry about constantly. I'm not saying I'd want some closed, but I'd like to know a guy who wouldn't go around doing stuff with all sorts of girls while he's got me with him. I know that doesn't make sense, but I don't share very well. Either he'd deal with the way things would have to be, or I can just find someone else. I don't need something serious, but I also would like a guy I could trust. Although, I'm sounding awfully hypocritical, considering the circumstances. And my need of all these things makes me wonder if I can even find a guy like that, especially since most of the good guys at my school, and even outside of the school, I've already dated, and recycled - so there aren't many choices without choosing a guy younger than me. Which I guess could be a good thing - they have less experience with the whole dating scene, and most guys who love to have an older girlfriend. Hm, I'll seriously consider this… I keep switching topics, but it's obviously what I'm good at. In case I've never mentioned it, I'm a girl with a whole lot of ideas - I read several books a day. I'm also quite fond of locking myself in my room, taking long walks in on cold winter nights just to think things over, and I have this crazy hunger for cigarettes every time I think about them. Which is something I shouldn't have just mentioned because now I feel as thought I REALLY need one. Which is ridiculous, but at the same time seems like a sign - a sign saying that I should probably stop smoking so much and find something else to be addicted to - and I've even considered what I could do instead of smoking; have lots and lots of innocent sex, become an alcoholic, chew gum incessantly, or even start collecting something or other - but alas, I like smoking too much to stop it. Ha. (:
Okay, so there's this guy who wants to fight me…which is hilarious, because I think I could totally take him. Ha, we've been at each other's throats for years, all because he's liked me and won't freaking admit it. Which, I kind of prefer that he didn't mention it, mostly because I don't feel the same, but the idea's still there. I'd like for us to be friends, but it seems like that will never happen since we never stop fighting - even through text messages. It's dank, but it should probably stop. He doesn't actually hurt my feelings, but at the same time, it bothers me. And then there's this other guy, who I've mentioned before, but there's so much to say about him, it's crazy. He's like, one of my very favorite people in the world, and I've dated him a couple of times in the past. It's just funny because his sister sent me a post on Facebook one day about how she thinks we should date again, and ever since I've felt myself actually considering it. I mean, it's not that I don't like him, because I do - a lot, actually. It's more the fact that he's tiny and I'm well, not. It's kind of sick of me to actually pay attention to that, but if you saw this boy, you'd know what I mean. I'm working on my problems, so I don't really want to bring him into my messed up mind, but at the same time, I feel like I'm being drawn to him, but I'm so not sure why.
And on that note, I'll take my leave for the time being. I'm just sitting in class as it is, and it appears I'm needed to do some shelving. Ha, right. Me doing work in this class - it's a crazy idea. Anyways, I hope everyone's doing okay, and I'd love for anyone up for it to join me in my Christmas Fast - It starts tomorrow, December 17th, 2009.
------> Stay Strong my Sweets. <3
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Closer to Christmas; :/
I know I shouldn’t complain about the upcoming Holiday, but things haven't been going so great lately. I seriously haven't gained anything, but I'm also still the same as the last time I blogged. I assume most of my readers think I'm dead, or just ignoring everything. Well, you're wrong. I've been keeping up with my own readers, so I've been able to see how well everyone else is doing. I can honestly say I'm impressed with many of my girls out there for staying strong and actually keeping up with their blogs. I look forward to reading everyone's blogs, no matter who it is.
By the way, I'd like to also just go ahead and let everyone know that the situation with my 'boy' is finally over and everything is actually getting better for me. I'm not 100 percent yet, but I'm getting there, I promise. I'm actually thinking that as long as I try and stay positive, things will get better and better, you know ? I made a promise recently. I'm getting back on track with Ana, even if it kills me.
Christmas this year, oh yeah. It's going to be tough. I won't want to eat, of course, but I'll be forced to, knowing my mother. She's obsessed with making sure I eat. I hate that about her. Maybe if I had like, a naturally fast metabolism, I'd be okay with it, but hello - I obviously don't. I'll just have to try my best to keep away from foods.
Okay, so for Christmas, I would die for a car. I mean, seriously. I'm seventeen freaking years old, and I still don't have my own car. Both my older sisters had their own cars by the time they were my age, and I still don't. It sucks, majorly. I'd absolutely love to get an SUV, especially if it's a Volvo, I'm absolutely obsessed with them! I don't really know what else I could have for Christmas that would make me happy other than a car, you know ?
I'm just sick of waiting for a car. I mean, I've been driving for a while now, and yet I still don't have a car that I can rely on at all times. I'm bored with the whole "Mom, can I borrow your car?" thing. I'm about ready to completely get out of this damn place I'm in, and yet without a car I can't go anywhere.
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It's raining today. Like, extremely crazy weather. I don't mind the cold so much, but the whole it's pouring rain is pissing me off. I'm in an actual good mood at the moment, and yet as soon as I think about the rain pouring, I get upset. It's weird. I usually love the rain, and yet today it seems different. Probably because it reminds me of how I can't cry anymore. That's another recent problem of mine. I was considering the whole boy situation the other day, and I figured out something important. I thought when he asked me to sleep with him, he felt something for me. I thought it was a sign that we were meant to be something more. Obviously, I was wrong. So, I was thinking about it and it hit me that I hadn't had a good cry in a while, so I thought "Hey! You need a good cry, so go find a good movie that can get you crying and enjoy it." Well, it didn't work. I even tried thinking of really sad things, but it didn't work either. I haven't been able to cry in months now, which is confusing to me.
Maybe I just need something worse to happen to me than ruining my life over this whole virginity thing. It's whatever. I need support, someone help me?
Stay Strong.
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