LOST.

I've been eating normally again for the past week or so. Some days I eat an actual meal (just one) and that's it, some days I'll eat some sort of fruit and that's it. I haven't gained, I lost a little, but it's not enough. My boyfriend got on me about the whole eating thing again last night when we went to dinner for his friend's birthday. I should have known he would watch me when I ate. I got a cheeseburger with fries - yes, I actually ate it all - but there was no weight gain because it went right through me.

I'm worried about how my weight will be effected when I go to college. If I ever almost gain the "freshman fifthteen" I'll probably kill someone.

Boyfriend thinks we should move in together - mainly because he thinks I'm going to stay here and go to college here. I want out of this place though. We'll see what happens.

I just hope all of you wonderful girls out there keep up with your blogs. I miss reading. <3

Epiphany.

I woke up this morning with this amazing thought - I can do this. I'm still fluctuating between 130 and 132, but it's because of these damn constant binges. It's not like I WANT it to happen. It makes me super disappointed in myself that I can't control myself.

Starting today, however, I'm going to try this so-called GM diet. Or, better yet, I'm fasting today and attempting that diet starting tomorrow, since I don't currently have fruits with me - I'm in class.

On another note, I don't have my class at college today, so I'm going straight to work after I leave this hell-hole called High School. It won't be so bad today, at least. Did I mention I work with kids? Seeing their tiny bodies is so helpful. They're constantly questioning why I'm not eating though, which kind of makes me sad, but when they do it, I just tell them I already ate before I got there.

The women I work with thought for a while I was bulimic. It's kind of funny, because I am, but I went on this whole dramatic rage at work one day calling out the girl who said it because she heard me throwing up, and just lied and told them I was sick. I don't like lying to people, but I also don't want it getting back to my mom. I don't think she could handle it with me already being in therapy.

I'm ready for a change. I know everyone says that, but for the first time in a LONG time, I actually mean it. My psychiatrist said that he could see a "real change" in my progress when I went to see him yesterday. We'll see what my therapist says when I see her on Tuesday.

I'm not trying to do better because of the whole therapy thing. My mind is improving without the stresses of everything up until recently. The school schedule I had, the people I hung out with, the lack of sleep and so on, so forth. I guess I'm just trying to keep myself calm.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I'm bipolar. And I have OCD. And, they haven't figured out why I don't want to be checked out for the whole ADHD thing, and honestly - I don't want the stigma that comes with being ADHD. L0l. That sounds kind of weird, I know - but I've been hospitalized enough times to know that those kinds of people get shit for it all the time, and I'd prefer not to get that.

I miss being able to run. It's been damn near impossible around here lately due to the snow. Stupid state can't handle a little bit of snow. I hate the South. I hate America, to be honest. I want to get out of here so bad, but obviously, until I graduate high school and go to college, I won't be able to. As soon as I do though, I'm out of here. I'd bet a lot on it.

How about my boyfriend starting arguing with me the other night about why I won't let him read this blog. I have another one, that my real-life friends can read and it doesn't mention my eating habits, but he knows I have two and can't stand that I won't let him read it. I just know he won't like what it says. He also asked me, "What would you do if I found it anyways?" And I told him, "Break up with you." He can hate me for it, but I don't want him thinking about everything I'm going through while we're dating. That's more information than he needs to know, except he does know about the whole bulimia thing...he just doesn't know I don't want to stop...

I hope everyone who's still blogging updates soon. I love reading them during class! <3

No chance, No way.

I want to be skinny. Please make me skinny.

I'm tired of living in the body of a fat girl. It's gross and I feel weighed down

thanks to all this excessive weight it has. Who can live like this? That's right - fat girls. I shouldn't be a fat girl though. I know I'm not meant to live like this. So,

what the fuck happened to me that made me get stuck this way?

I'm tired of ranting and bitching. I just need to do something about it. Starting tomorrow, no food anymore. Every three days I'll eat, but nothing more than that. And all I'll have is some sort of fruit or vegetable without any calories involved, and start taking fiber and protein pills.

We'll see how this works out. As for the rest of you, I really do miss seeing

your posts, but it seems a lot of you aren't posting anymore. What a shame.

I never thought.

I miss Ana. I've tried to avoid her for so long, but it's no longer working. I blame myself for everything anymore. I've lost weight, even though I started trying to live without her, but it's not enough anymore. I still feel as though things won't get any better. And, go figure - I'm depressed, and seeing a therapist.

No time like the present to try and resolve my problems with Ana and follow her advice again. I've missed her so much. It's tiresome to always worry about how I look, but I want to feel like I mean something again. I want to be able to constantly try on clothes and them be bigger on me every day. I miss it.

I'm going through all the blogs I follow tonight, and those that follow me and just catch up on how everyone else is doing. Hopefully good, because I plan to get back on here and check up on everyone again. Just like old times.

Think Thin. <3

New Blog.

http://quirkycynic.blogspot.com/


Check it out if you like. It's something new & different from this, so I hope you like it. <3

I found myself.

It's difficult for us all to sit there and wonder how far we still have to go before we can fully understand the nature of our very own lives and if they will or won't be significant to anyone at some point in time. People never consider how many lives they may have already touched or at that very moment touching. Whether it be someone close to you, someone you don't even know, someone you would like to know, or someone you would never even notice, you do have the power to influence someone, whether you can actually see it or not.

Take for instance my boyfriend. We've been together for 4 months now, and every single day I notice something different about me, like my attitude seems more positive, my jeans are fitting better, or I just feel like I could do more things within a day, unlike the very same schedule I followed for oh so long. I've grown as a person thanks to having him around, and they aren't even that obvious of changes, but they are in fact there.

I wonder if say, 20 people read my blog or your blog every day and wondered if everything you've typed and entered was real, or if you just jot down things you think people would like to hear. Honestly? I've never felt the need to lie to anyone, especially over a blog - this is for my personal journey with Ana and everyone else who is either helping or hindering me along the way - so, why would I want to cover up the truth about my life? I wouldn't. So, starting today, I'm beginning a new kind of conceptive writing. I'll post a picture of myself on a new blog every day. The Blog will be entitled Virgin Ears - An Expression of Honesty. It seems kind of strange, but it will work for now. I'll add a link the next time I post.


I hope everyone's doing well with the adventure alongside Ana. I'm sure I would be proud of you all. Good luck girls. <3

Boyfriend.

I've got a terrifying feeling my boyfriend is going to find this blog. He was

asking about it. I'm not sure whether or not to destroy it or not. I've been thinking

for a couple weeks I would start this up again. I need it, and I've been missing

the vent time. I haven't had any time whatsoever lately. Reading everyone's latest

blog entries has made me miss it like crazy. I'm still with Ana. She keeps me from

eating, day or night, and I feel like I owe it to her.

I really don't know what I'd do it he found it. I mean, if he lied when he said he

wouldn't look for it - Michael, stop reading this now. I can't have you knowing my

secrets. You won't like it and nothing good will come from you knowing things

before I'm ready to tell you. You promised - if you break it, and I find out, we're

over.

By the way ladies, I'm down more. I'm starting the salt diet tomorrow for 14

days, and then a week break and beginning the lemonade diet. Apparently,

it works? We'll see. I'm keeping tabs on all of you ladies.

Think Thin and Stay Positive. <3