127.5

I'm wearing a size 3 now. It's kind of funny, considering I still feel huge, but I fit in these small pants and shorts now. I guess I would love to say I'm happy with this, but in reality, I'll never be happy with my weight until I'm down to at least 115. For now, that is. I didn't initially start out with a goal weight, but I know now that if I want a goal weight, it would have to be a weight that I can maintain and not draw too much attention to myself. My mom knows about my eating disorders, but I don't really know what I can do about it at this point.

Dad bought me a new laptop this weekend for when I go to college. It's a pure white MacBook, and I'm in love with it already.

Anyways, I'll keep my weights posted as I lose the weight I want. I wish I had more time to blog, but I can at least read other people's when I get the chance! Good luck girls! <3

Cry Baby.

Sometime's, I start to wonder why any of us do this to ourselves. Is our society so corrupt that we cannot allow ourselves to look the way we are? We should all be beautiful, but I suppose that's why we're all in this. To change that. To feel beautiful. To look beautiful.

I was running away from my boyfriend last night when he came over and laughing, and he finally caught me and just looked at me. I felt exactly what he was thinking when he looked at me that way. He wonders if I'm really laughing or if it's fake laughter. I wish I could have told him then and there it was real, but then I started wondering the same thing. How could I possibly be able to enjoy something and laugh when I have so much I want to change about myself?

I can't laugh at myself for the problems I have. Most of them are psyche problems, but all the same, I can't laugh at it. I wish with everything I have I could just laugh everything off like I did when I was a kid, but things changed, I matured, I started hating myself and now this is the result.

I'm only happy when he's around. My boyfriend, that is. I'm still utterly self-conscious, but he makes me feel like I don't need to be. I guess I'm just happy he's happy when he's with me, so I feel a little bit better when he's around. I explained to him everything I want to do, and when I was reading online yesterday, I took a little survey thing to find out my ideal weight, and it said 118. I was thinking, "Oh, I would just be happy to be 125 again." But, in the back of my mind, I knew I would never just stop at 125. I could pretend right now that I would, but this being so much more of a psychological issue than a physical issue, I wouldn't let it go.

Despite the strange feelings building up in me as I write this all down, I still think that Ana is one of the best things I've ever had happen to me. I'm still losing, I'm working out, working on my abs especially and running again, which is amazing to me since I still smoke, but I don't get out of breath, thank goodness.

I hope all of you girls are doing well and will continue to allow me to read your blogs. I love the inspiration I feel reading every single one of them.

Good luck. <3

Black Out.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been extremely cautious about all foods

that enter my body. I'm always looking at what's in food, but it's become

even more of an obsession than usual, lately.

I spoke with my boyfriend about how I have this issue with my weight.

We've been together almost 11 months now, and he's somewhat known about it, but not truly the extent to it. He doesn't understand why I think I'm fat,

because he loves me the way I am. I guess that's understandable, but he also

agrees that if I don't love myself, then I should be able to do whatever I want

in order to find that self-love, rather than self-hatred. He's all for me feeling

better about myself.

Considering all of the health issues I have been going through recently,

I was told not to start any new regimes for weight-loss which included

diet pills, but of course I did anyways. I had started to read updates from GNC,

and they had a deal on some diet pills for fat-loss called Phenorex,

so of course I went and bought some. I started taking them this past Saturday,

and while I've only lost 6 pounds, the energy I gained is incredible.

I mean, my mood hasn't been this good in so long. My parents noticed a

difference, as well as my boyfriend. He likes it because it makes me

more playful, and he said he missed my smile, so I take it that it's a good

change, even if none of them really know it's because of those pills.

I'm also taking medication for my anxiety, but I've been feeling much better

lately, and it's been quite some time since my last seizure, so I figure

it's safe to be attempting this new medication.

Anyways, today is Senior Skip Day at my school, and being a Senior, I should

be at home sleeping right now. Of course, since my boyfriend and I are

not attending prom, I figured there was no need in skipping for I had nothing

better to be doing.

And, also - I need to know what you girls are doing to really skip out

on pounds. I know fasting is helping many of you, but if you could give

me some more ideas, that would be fantastic.

Think Thin. <3

I'm a Wreck.

I almost hit a horse. A beautiful white horse. But I didn't even see it until my mom was yelling for me to stop the car, and even then I slowed down very carefully and finally came to a complete stop right behind the horse. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't been there. I just didn't see the horse. How could I have missed such a large animal? I mean, it was right there in the middle of the road and I just completely missed it. Either way, it's a bad sign.

I ended up having to go to the doctor's office yesterday in order to get myself checked out. My doctor wants me to come off of the wellbutrin I've been on and see if it helps. I have to make a new appointment with my psychiatrist to make sure that it's okay I come off of it, but I'm sure, for everyone's safety around me and my own, he'll agree it's for the best. I've just never been so fidgety and my hands are shaking all the time now. I can't see clearly and my headaches feel as though they will never end. I'm getting upset easily again…I just don't know what more I can do. I feel as if I've gone insane.

Better news:

*My therapist is back from her maternity leave, and I have an appointment set up with her soon. Thankfully. I would have gone crazy not having someone to talk to about how ridiculous my life has been the last couple of weeks.

*Boyfriend and I are doing really well. We had our 9 months this past Sunday. Unfortunately, even though I got to spend the day with him, I hadn't been feeling well, and was a bit out of it, so he spent the day worrying about me. It was nice just to cuddle though - even if cuddling for us always leads to something more…

*I have my job back. I don't know if I mentioned not working, but I was let go. They called and offered my job back this past Friday, and I started back yesterday. It was great seeing the kids again.

*My diet seems healthier than ever. Within 3 days, I lost 4 pounds. My secret? - Honey Nut Crunch. Breakfast-Lunch-Dinner. No kidding. I just eat cereal a couple times a day, and that's it. It's got so much fiber in it, the calories basically burn themselves. The only exercise I even did those 3 days was have sex…

*I'm kind of happy now.

I hope all of you lovely ladies have a fantastic week. <3

HUGE.

My god. I haven't felt this fat in weeks. I don't know what it is. Maybe the fact I had sex with my boyfriend last night, and it was just strange because all I was thinking the whole time was that I wish I was smaller - for him. I want him to be proud of me, not ashamed.

I want him to want me on his arm.

I want him to want to be seen with me.

I want him to be able to pick me up like he always threatens to do.

I want him to be able to try new things with a thin girlfriend.

Mainly, I want him to leave me so I'll have something more to be upset about and maybe actually lose this weight quicker.

I also know that if he left me, I'd become so depressed, I would probably fall back into eating all of the time. I hate that, but I guess I'm better off making him suffer being with me than him leaving me.

I'm so selfish. I just wish I could lose more weight. I'm at 130. A steady 130, but it's still too much. I just can't seem to get over this plateau. I would like for something who actually understands this to help me out.

Does anyone really know how to help though?

Bearing the Burden of a Secret Storm.

I work at a daycare. I assume I’ve already mentioned this once or even twice before, but it’s true. I work with kids because I cannot stand people my own age or adults who don’t know their head from their asses. The women at work are still watching me, waiting for me to eat and then run to the bathroom to purge like I used to. I just don’t eat while I’m there anymore. I buy a Monster and the beginning of the day, and it lasts until I get off work. When I go home, if I have to eat, I eat a little bit of fruit and a little bit of veggies. I still with this on most of my days.

It’s finally warming up a tad bit so that I’ve started walking/jogging again. I’ll start running next week if it gets warmer, but the cold air, while it does good for my lungs, makes it difficult to keep running once I begin. I continuously do my night time work out, which consists of various movements from crunchless abs and stretched and such I remember from cheerleading, and crunches. The jumping jacks we did for cheerleading are different compared to the normal ones, but they’re more advanced and work much more than just normal ones do. I think I may begin to jump rope again. It’s been quite some time, and I used to be pro at it.

Perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m worried I won’t get to my goal weight anytime soon. Well, my first one, anyways. I’m at 131 as of this morning, and I should be at 125. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or if I am even doing anything wrong. It’s frustrating, but I suppose I chose this, so I must see it through. I never give up on something once I start it. Quitters fail and never try again. I’m no quitter.

I’m almost feeling happier mentally lately. I suppose the working out bringing out more endorphins had been good for me, but I also have to thank the medicines I’m on. (Even if I do still believe they are just placebo pills and it’s all in my mind.) Lol. Whatever works. I don’t have therapy again until the 8^th, but I kind of miss it. I like being able to talk to someone who is outside of my life and it gives me a new perspective. I need a new outlook. Perceptions from others help me form these outlooks.

I’m such a waste of space. Too much space, it’s disgusting. And I hate how everyone acts like I’m not gross to look at, but whatever. I got a hoodie I ordered finally. It’s black, so it looks slimming, but it’s also kind of big on me, (even being a small!) and my boyfriend thinks I look good in it, so I think I’ll wear it as often as I like.

Alright, my thought processes are going a little haywire at the moment, so I’ll continue this another day when I can keep my thoughts in line and actually see this screen.

Stay Thin! <3

LOST.

I've been eating normally again for the past week or so. Some days I eat an actual meal (just one) and that's it, some days I'll eat some sort of fruit and that's it. I haven't gained, I lost a little, but it's not enough. My boyfriend got on me about the whole eating thing again last night when we went to dinner for his friend's birthday. I should have known he would watch me when I ate. I got a cheeseburger with fries - yes, I actually ate it all - but there was no weight gain because it went right through me.

I'm worried about how my weight will be effected when I go to college. If I ever almost gain the "freshman fifthteen" I'll probably kill someone.

Boyfriend thinks we should move in together - mainly because he thinks I'm going to stay here and go to college here. I want out of this place though. We'll see what happens.

I just hope all of you wonderful girls out there keep up with your blogs. I miss reading. <3

Epiphany.

I woke up this morning with this amazing thought - I can do this. I'm still fluctuating between 130 and 132, but it's because of these damn constant binges. It's not like I WANT it to happen. It makes me super disappointed in myself that I can't control myself.

Starting today, however, I'm going to try this so-called GM diet. Or, better yet, I'm fasting today and attempting that diet starting tomorrow, since I don't currently have fruits with me - I'm in class.

On another note, I don't have my class at college today, so I'm going straight to work after I leave this hell-hole called High School. It won't be so bad today, at least. Did I mention I work with kids? Seeing their tiny bodies is so helpful. They're constantly questioning why I'm not eating though, which kind of makes me sad, but when they do it, I just tell them I already ate before I got there.

The women I work with thought for a while I was bulimic. It's kind of funny, because I am, but I went on this whole dramatic rage at work one day calling out the girl who said it because she heard me throwing up, and just lied and told them I was sick. I don't like lying to people, but I also don't want it getting back to my mom. I don't think she could handle it with me already being in therapy.

I'm ready for a change. I know everyone says that, but for the first time in a LONG time, I actually mean it. My psychiatrist said that he could see a "real change" in my progress when I went to see him yesterday. We'll see what my therapist says when I see her on Tuesday.

I'm not trying to do better because of the whole therapy thing. My mind is improving without the stresses of everything up until recently. The school schedule I had, the people I hung out with, the lack of sleep and so on, so forth. I guess I'm just trying to keep myself calm.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I'm bipolar. And I have OCD. And, they haven't figured out why I don't want to be checked out for the whole ADHD thing, and honestly - I don't want the stigma that comes with being ADHD. L0l. That sounds kind of weird, I know - but I've been hospitalized enough times to know that those kinds of people get shit for it all the time, and I'd prefer not to get that.

I miss being able to run. It's been damn near impossible around here lately due to the snow. Stupid state can't handle a little bit of snow. I hate the South. I hate America, to be honest. I want to get out of here so bad, but obviously, until I graduate high school and go to college, I won't be able to. As soon as I do though, I'm out of here. I'd bet a lot on it.

How about my boyfriend starting arguing with me the other night about why I won't let him read this blog. I have another one, that my real-life friends can read and it doesn't mention my eating habits, but he knows I have two and can't stand that I won't let him read it. I just know he won't like what it says. He also asked me, "What would you do if I found it anyways?" And I told him, "Break up with you." He can hate me for it, but I don't want him thinking about everything I'm going through while we're dating. That's more information than he needs to know, except he does know about the whole bulimia thing...he just doesn't know I don't want to stop...

I hope everyone who's still blogging updates soon. I love reading them during class! <3

No chance, No way.

I want to be skinny. Please make me skinny.

I'm tired of living in the body of a fat girl. It's gross and I feel weighed down

thanks to all this excessive weight it has. Who can live like this? That's right - fat girls. I shouldn't be a fat girl though. I know I'm not meant to live like this. So,

what the fuck happened to me that made me get stuck this way?

I'm tired of ranting and bitching. I just need to do something about it. Starting tomorrow, no food anymore. Every three days I'll eat, but nothing more than that. And all I'll have is some sort of fruit or vegetable without any calories involved, and start taking fiber and protein pills.

We'll see how this works out. As for the rest of you, I really do miss seeing

your posts, but it seems a lot of you aren't posting anymore. What a shame.

I never thought.

I miss Ana. I've tried to avoid her for so long, but it's no longer working. I blame myself for everything anymore. I've lost weight, even though I started trying to live without her, but it's not enough anymore. I still feel as though things won't get any better. And, go figure - I'm depressed, and seeing a therapist.

No time like the present to try and resolve my problems with Ana and follow her advice again. I've missed her so much. It's tiresome to always worry about how I look, but I want to feel like I mean something again. I want to be able to constantly try on clothes and them be bigger on me every day. I miss it.

I'm going through all the blogs I follow tonight, and those that follow me and just catch up on how everyone else is doing. Hopefully good, because I plan to get back on here and check up on everyone again. Just like old times.

Think Thin. <3

New Blog.

http://quirkycynic.blogspot.com/


Check it out if you like. It's something new & different from this, so I hope you like it. <3

I found myself.

It's difficult for us all to sit there and wonder how far we still have to go before we can fully understand the nature of our very own lives and if they will or won't be significant to anyone at some point in time. People never consider how many lives they may have already touched or at that very moment touching. Whether it be someone close to you, someone you don't even know, someone you would like to know, or someone you would never even notice, you do have the power to influence someone, whether you can actually see it or not.

Take for instance my boyfriend. We've been together for 4 months now, and every single day I notice something different about me, like my attitude seems more positive, my jeans are fitting better, or I just feel like I could do more things within a day, unlike the very same schedule I followed for oh so long. I've grown as a person thanks to having him around, and they aren't even that obvious of changes, but they are in fact there.

I wonder if say, 20 people read my blog or your blog every day and wondered if everything you've typed and entered was real, or if you just jot down things you think people would like to hear. Honestly? I've never felt the need to lie to anyone, especially over a blog - this is for my personal journey with Ana and everyone else who is either helping or hindering me along the way - so, why would I want to cover up the truth about my life? I wouldn't. So, starting today, I'm beginning a new kind of conceptive writing. I'll post a picture of myself on a new blog every day. The Blog will be entitled Virgin Ears - An Expression of Honesty. It seems kind of strange, but it will work for now. I'll add a link the next time I post.


I hope everyone's doing well with the adventure alongside Ana. I'm sure I would be proud of you all. Good luck girls. <3

Boyfriend.

I've got a terrifying feeling my boyfriend is going to find this blog. He was

asking about it. I'm not sure whether or not to destroy it or not. I've been thinking

for a couple weeks I would start this up again. I need it, and I've been missing

the vent time. I haven't had any time whatsoever lately. Reading everyone's latest

blog entries has made me miss it like crazy. I'm still with Ana. She keeps me from

eating, day or night, and I feel like I owe it to her.

I really don't know what I'd do it he found it. I mean, if he lied when he said he

wouldn't look for it - Michael, stop reading this now. I can't have you knowing my

secrets. You won't like it and nothing good will come from you knowing things

before I'm ready to tell you. You promised - if you break it, and I find out, we're

over.

By the way ladies, I'm down more. I'm starting the salt diet tomorrow for 14

days, and then a week break and beginning the lemonade diet. Apparently,

it works? We'll see. I'm keeping tabs on all of you ladies.

Think Thin and Stay Positive. <3

I don’t really get on much anymore. Things in my life have been absolutely topsy turvy. All the drama with the last boy has basically burned out. We’re kind of friends now – at least we talk more than we used to, even when we were, well whatever we were. I’ve been talking to another guy, and things are going really well. Well enough that we’re about to date – I haven’t really felt the need for a title with this kid, basically because I know how much he likes me. And how much I like him. And we actually talk about, to where it’s not something unspoken. We’ve been on several dates, and I just love being around him. I’ve become less self-conscience when it comes to my appearance. I mean, I make sure I “look good” but at the same time, I don’t constantly wonder how fat he thinks I am. Even though the boy is a stick. I’m not letting it bother me this time. I’m still not eating a lot, of course – but I’ve kept my weight down and I don’t feel the need to regurgitate everything I eat – I only eat food that’s easy to get rid of or won’t affect my weight – like empty calories. Being a vegetarian is helping me out way more than I remembered when I was younger and fighting with Ana because of all the heavy meats I would eat.
I just finished my Junior year of high school. I’m so glad it’s over, and I barely remember anything from this year anyways. It was way tough – not school wise, but with everything that happened. I’m just ready for a new beginning, and it seems like it’s finally possible for me to have that. My new boy, he’s everything I want & need in a guy. It’s actually pretty incredible that he likes me. I won’t take it for granted though. I don’t need him – it’s just a want to have him around – I wouldn’t ever become dependent on a guy, who if he knew absolutely everything about me (and didn’t like it) would leave me for anything to do with who I really am. I’ll let him in eventually, but for the time being, I’m only going to let him see what he NEEDS to see at this point. The rest will fall into place as this progresses. I’m not sure whether or not I’ll tell him about Ana. He knows I’m not a fan of food, but he doesn’t know EVERYTHING, and I just hope one day, if I ever do tell him, he’ll understand and not judge me like I know most guys would. He’s different. Different than Spiderman was – and I’m proud to say, when my Asian (my new boy) tells me he doesn’t judge, he’s serious and doesn’t. He’s also way open about everything. I know basically everything I’ve ever wanted to know about him – ever since I met him, and I didn’t even have to ask him all of it. A lot of it, he just offered up, no questions asked. He knows I want to know him. He just doesn’t know why I hold so much back. The thing is, he lives 45 minutes away from me, otherwise I’d probably have to tell him more, but considering I only see him a couple times a month, since he has a job and not a lot of free time, I don’t have to tell him so much – just the obvious information dealing and going on at the time. I think I needed something like this. I needed something like him. But, whether or not I stay with him, I’ll continue to be happy. I will never base all my happiness on one person. I’m too strong and way too independent for that.
Anyways, I hope everything is going well for all of you. I think about you all, quite often. Be good girls. <3

Everchanging & Unsure.

We talked; kind of. I went to his house and we hung out; kind of. I wanted to jump him; but I didn't. I'm glad I didn't too. I think that would have made things awkward. We've decided we're going to talk about dating, eventually. I don't know when, I guess the next time we're alone, which I don't know when that will be, but we will, and I have a feeling it's not going to happen. I won't even mind now. I mean, I want to date him, but I wouldn't work out as a good girlfriend for him anyways, with all the problems I have, and I would never want to push him into something he's not ready for. I did tell him one day that I would like him to know that even if he chose to date a girl, I would be okay with him. And he said what about me? As in, he could date me. But we both know, deep down it won't work. And even though the attempt might seem worth it now, I have a feeling I would be upset if I lost him even as a friend because of a stupid decision on my part. He's a great guy, he really is, but I can't lose myself in this fight over whether or not I should or shouldn't try harder to make things work. I just don't have the strength anymore.


I'm not going to bring up the idea of making it work with him again. I just can't deal with it. I feel like I'm either wasting my time or being rejected by being put off over and over. "We'll talk about it in person." It's total BS, and I'm getting tired of waiting for something more to come from it.

-----------------------------> <------------------------------------ It's been a couple of weeks since I started this entry, but I figure now is as good time as any to continue it. Spiderman and I have been through a shake up. He decided we should just stay friends, and I was fine with that. Then he wouldn't respond to my texts or messages, so I went on Skype one day, like I usually do, looking for him to see what was up. The surprise I found awaiting me wasn't a good one. He had freaking kicked me out of the Skype room. My other friends who go in there (all his guy friends) told me they weren't sure what was up. I guess that would be because they didn't know we were "talking" or attempting to talk. I'm just pissed. So, I text him and told him I thought he was being immature about it. Because, I know he is being immature. A lot's gone down since then and he still ignores me. I've never had someone treat me that bad without a cause. He said he's pissed because apparently I offended him when we were talking and he decided we were just friends. I told him I never knew why I liked him - and I didn't mean that in a rude way. I was just being honest. I just liked everything about him, I guess. I never had just one concrete reason, and unfortunately he took it wrong. So, he's been ignoring me because he expects an apology, so I'm going to try and talk to him after school today when I go see my friend Rudy. He has a cast and is forcing me to draw something or other on it. Wish me luck kids.

I'll hate to see you go.

It's been a while since my last post. I've been busy trying to sort things out.
I guess I could explain, but it's a lot of bullshit mostly. Especially with this new guy
I've been seeing. Yeah, needless to say, as much as I love being around him and
feeling the need to be around him 24/7, things won't work out. He's going off to
college after the end of this summer, and even though he'll only be an hour away,
we both know things won't work.
I'm considering just stopping being his friend because everything is just too complex
and complicated with us. One minute he'll be calling me his "love" and the next we won't
even know what to say to each other. It's getting nerve-wracking, and I'm already
exhausted from him and it's only been a month.
I don't know what it is about him that keeps me going back to him, but apparently,
and his friend and my bestfriend both told me it's because he has "mad game" I mean,
who even believes in that shit, other than guys? Ah, I don't know. I'm trying not to
focus on it. Either way, he met another girl while at the beach this week - it's Spring
Break - and I guess he's interested in her, so I might as well just move on.
No matter how hard it's going to be for me.

On another note, I'm losing again. I've done pretty well, and I've had plenty of
inspiration - having to go to the beach and wear a bathing suit, knowing I'm not good
enough for this guy, knowing I'm not good enough for any guy at this point, the ciggs
are definitely a helper as well. I'll be down several pounds by the end of this SB. I'm
glad for it too. I'm tired of never feeling good enough.


I'll post again soon. I hope everyone's doing well. <3

Where has worrying gotten us?

I'm thinking things are starting to look up. I realized, finally, that everyone has their
bad days, and I'm no different than anyone else in that way. Things may not be great,
but at the same time, they are. I'm good with my friends. Well, one of them at least.
One of my friends has been being pretty bitchy to me lately, and I know she has a lot on
her plate, but she doesn't realize we all do. Me especially. She's not the friend I've let in
on my little issue. But, I don't think telling her would help. She thinks the world revolves
around her, and she's wrong. We're all wrong if we let that idea get to our heads.


Anyways, I hope everyone's doing okay. I'd like to hear from you. (:

Cigarettes.

Is there something wrong with wanting to be wanted? Wanting to be with someone
and have them tell you everything you want to hear? Wanting to get rid of all the bad
things revolving around you? I don't think so. So, why do I get so much shit for it?
Sex, drugs and alcohol are all normalcies to teenagers, so why is it only some of us get
shit for it, while the others go untaunted, unrejected, unwanted?
I don't mean unrejected or unwanted in a sexual sense, but in a relationship sense. I don't
actually like relationships, don't get me wrong, but I'm tired of guys only wanting my body.
I'm not even comfortable with my body, and yet it's what boys want. Is there something
wrong with this picture? I think so. Agree, or don't. It's whatev.
I had a long night again. I moved onto number 4 of the list. I switched numbers though.
My orignial number 4 wasn't around, so I just picked another. He was good. The pain was
great, and I look forward to being sore as hell in the morning. I just wish things weren't
so complicated. This latest guy, no matter what he says, wants to be more than just fuck
buddies, and that bothers the hell out of me.
If only he knew how fucked up I really am. I don't think he knows, but I'm taking advantage
of this situation. I know he wants me. I also know he wants to ask me out, but I just
want him for sex, if for anything at all. He needs to figure that out before I end up hurting
the poor kid.

I sound like such a bitch. Luckily for me, I am, so I can use it as an excuse.



I hope everyone else is doing better than me, at least. <3

I want to be able to see the distance from the Road.

I'm actually content with life right now. I think things could
possibly start looking up. I'm actually excited to go out and be with
my friends again. I'm looking forward to the time I get to spend with
them and the time I get by myself, and in that time, I don't feel so
alone anymore.
My relationship with Ana is so back on track, it's crazy. I don't
feel the need to feed my emotions. It's a great feeling, and even though
I know I'll never be cured, I also know that deep down, I know this is
the right thing for me. I just wish I had been this secure months ago...


I love you all, from the bottom of my non-existent heart. <3

And The Winner Is.

Brad.

Of course it was Brad. First off, let me just say that I have a new outlook on all things

boys. I don't look at them and wonder if I think they're cute anymore. I basically see

a boy and ask myself "Would you fuck him; yes or no?" And move forward from there.

I'm sick, apparently. I'm fat and I love sex. It's a literal obsession. Which makes me sick,

right? I thought so. I think so, still.

I don't know what's gotten into me. I actually snuck out the other night to go

off with a guy. We had sex in his car. In the backseat. While listening to that stupid

band Owl City. Talk about lame.

I don't really mind that I'm becoming a nympho. I don't actually mind

it at all whatsoever. No one at school knows. Everything thinks I'm just this

cute like Catholic girl, waiting until marriage to fuck. Oh, how wrong they are.

I coined a term recently, to describe myself: Closet Whore. Considering not many

people know about how I really am. They also don't know I'm anorexic, or maybe

that's not the right way to put it. They don't know I wrestle with Ana on a daily

basis. I'm far from being anorexic - now that is.

I've decided that, because I've become more into being naked with guys, that this

is definitely a boost in the right direction. It makes me more body conscience.

Anyways, I just felt like everyone should know - since no one else does.

Stay strong, and LIVE.