And you are not it

Day 5 of the fast. It's going well. I'm still kind of stressing though. Not about school or anything, but about something that happened yesterday. Let me explain.
I went to my friend Macy's last night to smoke a few ciggs since I can't smoke at my house, and we were out smoking. She went inside for a few minutes - I was on my third one and all the sudden I felt like I would be sick. So, I put out my smoke and walked into the house. I almost made it to the bathroom before I blacked out. I was only out a few seconds, but it made an impact. I haven't blacked out in such a long time, I wasn't prepared. I'm more prepared now, for if it happens again, but I just need to make sure I keep my blood sugar levels up. It’s just hard to do when I only drink water and sugar-free drinks. Not eating isn't hard or anything, but sometimes when I think about blacking out, it reminds me how important food much be to diabetics and people who suffer from low blood sugar and follow Ana. I feel for those kind of people.
I've made another decision, mainly about what I need to change in my life. I think that I should probably keep the fast going longer. You know, just to see how far I can make it. 5 days left, and I don't honestly know if I'm ready to give up the feeling of Hunger. It's empowering and I thrive with it. I feel better, especially when I feel my stomach in pain, it just reminds me of what I have to lose and how much control I have. It's actually pretty much the most fantastic feeling I've ever had. There's really nothing like it. Especially when you know how much you want something, and after a while, you don't even notice the food missing. Except maybe when you see the weight falling off. (:
Today feels like it's been going by really slow. I'm not even sure why. I haven't done much in school today. I have plans to hit the gym for 2 hours immediately after school, run by the doctor's office and get a flu shot (gross) and then I'm babysitting for a friend while she's out to eat with her beau. Her son's absolutely adorable.
On another note: my friend Macy's having a party Friday and Saturday night. Friday night just a few close friends are coming over and we're going to have a more intimate kind of party. Saturday, we're celebrating a friend of hers birthday and so we're having a complete blow out. It's going to be amazing. I probably won't drink or anything Friday - save any calories I gain for Saturday when everyone's around and I won't have to hold back. I need to Google the calories in all the drinks I usually have to I can total up what I can and can't have.
My stomach's starting to hurt again. Just in time. I'm about to go to the gym. If only the school bell would ring so I could leave this place and get started. I mean, like seriously. I love working out when my stomach hurts. It makes me focus more on sucking in and what I need to work on, once again. Not that I don't feel all the fat on my body, but the idea's the same. I've been trying to find more music to listen to while I work out, when I'm alone but I'm having trouble finding anything new that I like. If anyone has any ideas, let me know please. (:
OH! And I should also mention, I've decided to take things even slower with my boy. He's going to the parties with me, but I'm afraid he might expect something from me, more than I'm willing to give at the moment. I don't mean, you know, sex. I mean like, he might want something more emotional and I'm honestly just not prepared for anything like that at the moment. Maybe after I've seen the shrink and have an idea about why I can't find close attachments to people, then I'll try it, but not until then. I do like him, very much. I just can't seem to make myself want to be something more with him. It's weird. I'm physically attracted, and while I feel like I feel something for him, I know it's just lust, but I'd like for it to be more, which is why I'm working to get better at this whole personality improving thing.
I hope everyone's having a great week, and I'm so glad tomorrow's Friday - and homecoming Friday at that! Wish me luck looking good in the dress I just got. Even though, we all know I won't.


Fast Fantastic, Slim Skin, Starve on Ladies. <3

Today is a new day

Today was day 3 of my fast. I've lost 2 lbs, and by tomorrow I should be down another 2 lbs. I feel really good, and I've so missed the feeling of being empty. Now, I have to give props to SkinnyLove for fasting along with me, and also because she's finally realized she's got an ED. That's a big deal; it's one thing to think that maybe you do have one, but a whole other thing to understand that you really Have one. So, I say congratulations and good luck with the fast!
So, I've had a pretty good day today. I haven't been hungry or anything, so it's not like I've thought of food much. I mean, seriously. Tomorrow will be the day that decides how this fast is going to go, which I'm pretty sure it will be fine. My stomach growled for the first time in 3 days like, 2 hours ago, and it shocked me. I still didn't and don't feel hungry.
It is now hours later, since I first started this entry. I've figured a couple things out. Mainly, that because of my ever changing moods, which I guess I should explain to you. I'm bipolar. I've known for a couple years, but it's never affected me as much as it had recently. I've basically sheltered myself off from making more friends just because all the people I hang out with are super bitchy, like how I am, except they're that way because they choose to be. I'm sick of being mean to people. I don't mean to be, but it happens. Especially with a medical condition, so tonight I decided that I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist. Yeah, it seems kind of extreme, but if you had to walk around in my head for a day, you'd know it's probably the best thing for me.
Now, no way in hell will my psychiatrist find out about Ana. I won't let that happen, but maybe if I was nicer to people, things would start looking up and I could finally put my full focus on Ana. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. I'll discuss the fact that I'm hateful towards people, and maybe find out why. I think it's more about a necessity for me to figure out what's wrong with me, than what I want. If I had my way, I'd be fine and dandy, but the fact is - I'm mean to people and it should stop. Especially considering everything I put myself through. I have no right to be rude to others, and yet I am. Maybe this guy/woman can help me get on track so I can focus on more important things.
I've actually considered going to see someone about everything before, but I guess I just wasn't ready to admit I had a problem until recently. I seriously need this. Maybe everything will make more sense after I talk to someone. Maybe it won't, but it's worth a shot to me.
The gym today was amazing. I felt so strong. I went without my gym buddy again - since she obviously had better things to do - go out to eat with her dad… anyways. I'm pretty sure I'm happier since I started this fast. I know it's going to take some time, but the results I've gotten so far are making it seem more than worth it. And seriously, this whole taking Benefiber with different drinks I have, omg. It's so working. I'm getting rid of so many bad things in my system, it's crazy. Maybe not crazy, but it's definitely a good thing. (:
And for those of you who are planning to, or doing the fast with me, more power to you. I'm seriously here for anyone who wants to talk about it. I know it's somewhat difficult, considering I'm just getting back into fasting myself, but I've also been here, so I know what to expect.

Alright, so I'm starting to get all shaky (amazing!) so I'm going to go lay down, look at my Vogue and listen to some thinspration. I'll check in again soon. I love you girls.

Stay strong. Think Thin. Fast free. <3