I don’t really get on much anymore. Things in my life have been absolutely topsy turvy. All the drama with the last boy has basically burned out. We’re kind of friends now – at least we talk more than we used to, even when we were, well whatever we were. I’ve been talking to another guy, and things are going really well. Well enough that we’re about to date – I haven’t really felt the need for a title with this kid, basically because I know how much he likes me. And how much I like him. And we actually talk about, to where it’s not something unspoken. We’ve been on several dates, and I just love being around him. I’ve become less self-conscience when it comes to my appearance. I mean, I make sure I “look good” but at the same time, I don’t constantly wonder how fat he thinks I am. Even though the boy is a stick. I’m not letting it bother me this time. I’m still not eating a lot, of course – but I’ve kept my weight down and I don’t feel the need to regurgitate everything I eat – I only eat food that’s easy to get rid of or won’t affect my weight – like empty calories. Being a vegetarian is helping me out way more than I remembered when I was younger and fighting with Ana because of all the heavy meats I would eat.
I just finished my Junior year of high school. I’m so glad it’s over, and I barely remember anything from this year anyways. It was way tough – not school wise, but with everything that happened. I’m just ready for a new beginning, and it seems like it’s finally possible for me to have that. My new boy, he’s everything I want & need in a guy. It’s actually pretty incredible that he likes me. I won’t take it for granted though. I don’t need him – it’s just a want to have him around – I wouldn’t ever become dependent on a guy, who if he knew absolutely everything about me (and didn’t like it) would leave me for anything to do with who I really am. I’ll let him in eventually, but for the time being, I’m only going to let him see what he NEEDS to see at this point. The rest will fall into place as this progresses. I’m not sure whether or not I’ll tell him about Ana. He knows I’m not a fan of food, but he doesn’t know EVERYTHING, and I just hope one day, if I ever do tell him, he’ll understand and not judge me like I know most guys would. He’s different. Different than Spiderman was – and I’m proud to say, when my Asian (my new boy) tells me he doesn’t judge, he’s serious and doesn’t. He’s also way open about everything. I know basically everything I’ve ever wanted to know about him – ever since I met him, and I didn’t even have to ask him all of it. A lot of it, he just offered up, no questions asked. He knows I want to know him. He just doesn’t know why I hold so much back. The thing is, he lives 45 minutes away from me, otherwise I’d probably have to tell him more, but considering I only see him a couple times a month, since he has a job and not a lot of free time, I don’t have to tell him so much – just the obvious information dealing and going on at the time. I think I needed something like this. I needed something like him. But, whether or not I stay with him, I’ll continue to be happy. I will never base all my happiness on one person. I’m too strong and way too independent for that.
Anyways, I hope everything is going well for all of you. I think about you all, quite often. Be good girls. <3

Everchanging & Unsure.

We talked; kind of. I went to his house and we hung out; kind of. I wanted to jump him; but I didn't. I'm glad I didn't too. I think that would have made things awkward. We've decided we're going to talk about dating, eventually. I don't know when, I guess the next time we're alone, which I don't know when that will be, but we will, and I have a feeling it's not going to happen. I won't even mind now. I mean, I want to date him, but I wouldn't work out as a good girlfriend for him anyways, with all the problems I have, and I would never want to push him into something he's not ready for. I did tell him one day that I would like him to know that even if he chose to date a girl, I would be okay with him. And he said what about me? As in, he could date me. But we both know, deep down it won't work. And even though the attempt might seem worth it now, I have a feeling I would be upset if I lost him even as a friend because of a stupid decision on my part. He's a great guy, he really is, but I can't lose myself in this fight over whether or not I should or shouldn't try harder to make things work. I just don't have the strength anymore.


I'm not going to bring up the idea of making it work with him again. I just can't deal with it. I feel like I'm either wasting my time or being rejected by being put off over and over. "We'll talk about it in person." It's total BS, and I'm getting tired of waiting for something more to come from it.

-----------------------------> <------------------------------------ It's been a couple of weeks since I started this entry, but I figure now is as good time as any to continue it. Spiderman and I have been through a shake up. He decided we should just stay friends, and I was fine with that. Then he wouldn't respond to my texts or messages, so I went on Skype one day, like I usually do, looking for him to see what was up. The surprise I found awaiting me wasn't a good one. He had freaking kicked me out of the Skype room. My other friends who go in there (all his guy friends) told me they weren't sure what was up. I guess that would be because they didn't know we were "talking" or attempting to talk. I'm just pissed. So, I text him and told him I thought he was being immature about it. Because, I know he is being immature. A lot's gone down since then and he still ignores me. I've never had someone treat me that bad without a cause. He said he's pissed because apparently I offended him when we were talking and he decided we were just friends. I told him I never knew why I liked him - and I didn't mean that in a rude way. I was just being honest. I just liked everything about him, I guess. I never had just one concrete reason, and unfortunately he took it wrong. So, he's been ignoring me because he expects an apology, so I'm going to try and talk to him after school today when I go see my friend Rudy. He has a cast and is forcing me to draw something or other on it. Wish me luck kids.

I'll hate to see you go.

It's been a while since my last post. I've been busy trying to sort things out.
I guess I could explain, but it's a lot of bullshit mostly. Especially with this new guy
I've been seeing. Yeah, needless to say, as much as I love being around him and
feeling the need to be around him 24/7, things won't work out. He's going off to
college after the end of this summer, and even though he'll only be an hour away,
we both know things won't work.
I'm considering just stopping being his friend because everything is just too complex
and complicated with us. One minute he'll be calling me his "love" and the next we won't
even know what to say to each other. It's getting nerve-wracking, and I'm already
exhausted from him and it's only been a month.
I don't know what it is about him that keeps me going back to him, but apparently,
and his friend and my bestfriend both told me it's because he has "mad game" I mean,
who even believes in that shit, other than guys? Ah, I don't know. I'm trying not to
focus on it. Either way, he met another girl while at the beach this week - it's Spring
Break - and I guess he's interested in her, so I might as well just move on.
No matter how hard it's going to be for me.

On another note, I'm losing again. I've done pretty well, and I've had plenty of
inspiration - having to go to the beach and wear a bathing suit, knowing I'm not good
enough for this guy, knowing I'm not good enough for any guy at this point, the ciggs
are definitely a helper as well. I'll be down several pounds by the end of this SB. I'm
glad for it too. I'm tired of never feeling good enough.


I'll post again soon. I hope everyone's doing well. <3

Where has worrying gotten us?

I'm thinking things are starting to look up. I realized, finally, that everyone has their
bad days, and I'm no different than anyone else in that way. Things may not be great,
but at the same time, they are. I'm good with my friends. Well, one of them at least.
One of my friends has been being pretty bitchy to me lately, and I know she has a lot on
her plate, but she doesn't realize we all do. Me especially. She's not the friend I've let in
on my little issue. But, I don't think telling her would help. She thinks the world revolves
around her, and she's wrong. We're all wrong if we let that idea get to our heads.


Anyways, I hope everyone's doing okay. I'd like to hear from you. (:

Cigarettes.

Is there something wrong with wanting to be wanted? Wanting to be with someone
and have them tell you everything you want to hear? Wanting to get rid of all the bad
things revolving around you? I don't think so. So, why do I get so much shit for it?
Sex, drugs and alcohol are all normalcies to teenagers, so why is it only some of us get
shit for it, while the others go untaunted, unrejected, unwanted?
I don't mean unrejected or unwanted in a sexual sense, but in a relationship sense. I don't
actually like relationships, don't get me wrong, but I'm tired of guys only wanting my body.
I'm not even comfortable with my body, and yet it's what boys want. Is there something
wrong with this picture? I think so. Agree, or don't. It's whatev.
I had a long night again. I moved onto number 4 of the list. I switched numbers though.
My orignial number 4 wasn't around, so I just picked another. He was good. The pain was
great, and I look forward to being sore as hell in the morning. I just wish things weren't
so complicated. This latest guy, no matter what he says, wants to be more than just fuck
buddies, and that bothers the hell out of me.
If only he knew how fucked up I really am. I don't think he knows, but I'm taking advantage
of this situation. I know he wants me. I also know he wants to ask me out, but I just
want him for sex, if for anything at all. He needs to figure that out before I end up hurting
the poor kid.

I sound like such a bitch. Luckily for me, I am, so I can use it as an excuse.



I hope everyone else is doing better than me, at least. <3

I want to be able to see the distance from the Road.

I'm actually content with life right now. I think things could
possibly start looking up. I'm actually excited to go out and be with
my friends again. I'm looking forward to the time I get to spend with
them and the time I get by myself, and in that time, I don't feel so
alone anymore.
My relationship with Ana is so back on track, it's crazy. I don't
feel the need to feed my emotions. It's a great feeling, and even though
I know I'll never be cured, I also know that deep down, I know this is
the right thing for me. I just wish I had been this secure months ago...


I love you all, from the bottom of my non-existent heart. <3

And The Winner Is.

Brad.

Of course it was Brad. First off, let me just say that I have a new outlook on all things

boys. I don't look at them and wonder if I think they're cute anymore. I basically see

a boy and ask myself "Would you fuck him; yes or no?" And move forward from there.

I'm sick, apparently. I'm fat and I love sex. It's a literal obsession. Which makes me sick,

right? I thought so. I think so, still.

I don't know what's gotten into me. I actually snuck out the other night to go

off with a guy. We had sex in his car. In the backseat. While listening to that stupid

band Owl City. Talk about lame.

I don't really mind that I'm becoming a nympho. I don't actually mind

it at all whatsoever. No one at school knows. Everything thinks I'm just this

cute like Catholic girl, waiting until marriage to fuck. Oh, how wrong they are.

I coined a term recently, to describe myself: Closet Whore. Considering not many

people know about how I really am. They also don't know I'm anorexic, or maybe

that's not the right way to put it. They don't know I wrestle with Ana on a daily

basis. I'm far from being anorexic - now that is.

I've decided that, because I've become more into being naked with guys, that this

is definitely a boost in the right direction. It makes me more body conscience.

Anyways, I just felt like everyone should know - since no one else does.

Stay strong, and LIVE.