Tuesday, November 17, 2009

"She's in danger, isn't she?"

It's been an interesting week. My boy's back in my life, but I'm not sure if I'm happy about it. I'm not sure at all. It's one of those weird situations where I feel like he's more sticking around to make sure I don't do anything bad with my health, rather than because he wants to actually BE with me. It's a feeling I'm not comfortable with at all, but I don't know what I can tell him to make him realize I'm fine without him. It all started Tuesday night…
My friend Macy came over for a couple hours and she had been texting someone the whole time. I didn't think to ask her who because she's always texting someone, so I figured it was this guy she's been talking to - little did I know, she was talking to my boy. She told him everything I was telling her - about how I was going on a fast - and well, she told him. Apparently he started freaking out. She told me he said he was on the way over - I didn't realize she had told him, so I thought this was just one of his random visits. He gets to my house, barges in carrying a bag of chips, dip and crackers that he knows I love and sits down on my living room floor, sets the food out, without a word and points at the food. "Eat it." That's all he says.

-------------------------------------------------------------> <---------------------------------------------------------------- It's another week. It's Friday the Thirteenth to be exact. I'm sitting in class, thinking of how much I don't want to go home today. I ended things with my boy. It's not worth all the trouble being with him, that gets caused. I see him walking around with another girl - she's pretty - and he'll treat her well. I told him it was completely over, and to stop talking to me while I dealt with some stuff. I think I may just be upset because I didn't realize he would be over it so quickly. I asked a friend about it and she said he wasn't talking to the girl, but I shouldn’t care anyways - I had my chance. I feel less like me, lately. Like, maybe I'm just there - and not actually living. I'd like to be living, I think. I guess it honestly doesn't matter whether or not I want to - I can't make myself seem any more alive than I already am, right ? I've taken smoking to an all-new level. It seems my chain smoking is becoming more dominant, and I know it would kill my parents if they knew. If I knew of any way to balance the crazy pieces of my life out with cigarettes, I think I could try to do without them, but I don't know now if I'd want to. It's become an almost obsession, which is pretty damn bad, if you ask me. I'm just not used to this feeling anymore. I got off my medicine for depression about 2 years ago, and I feel now more than ever that I should be put back on - just to prevent matters from becoming worse - but in order to be put back on it, I would have to tell my mom and I just don't think she could take that, not now, after all the 'progress' I've made. I feel as if I've fallen off of the face of the Earth and I can't find my way back to Ana. I'm still not eating, but I don't feel a closeness to her anymore. And I'd like to thank my followers. I'm lucky to have the supportive girls reading my blog that I have. You girls are great, and I don't know what I would do without you. ------------------> Stay Strong.

Today is a new day. I keep forgetting to get on and post these. I haven't been myself lately. I've had a lot going on in school, so I get sidetracked easily. Oh well, I'll work on it. I will be posting more often, not that I have that many people who read, but thank you to those of you who do. :D
I'm starting another fast tomorrow, and I'd love for someone to join me, if you will. I don't know how long this one will last, but I hope it's a while. I need to purge my body of all this nastiness. I'm happy to announce that I am officially off of boys for the time being. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, "I don't know why you waste your time worrying about boys when you should be focusing on Ana." You're right, those of you who agree with this statement. It just took me until now to realize that I was being an idiot wasting all my time on boys when Ana needs the attention much more. Especially if I want to keep our relationship up and well.
I've been sick a lot lately, which has sent my hunger on a slight drop, which is very good, thanks. It's made me realize how much I honestly hate food. My relationship with almost all foods now a days is so fucked up, it's crazy. I don't mind though. I'd prefer to be angry and hate food than to be obsessed and love it, you know? Of course you know. All you girls hate food at some point, so you get my meaning. I haven't been listening to my Ana playlists lately. I need to get back to it. When I do listen, I seem to be stronger and keep focused better. It's time.
I'm sticking with my cigarettes, like I've mentioned a couple of times already. It's just so hard to get away from them when they help me limit my appetite. I especially don't need them when I'm chaining, so it's all good. My friend and I are starting to get back into smoking more lately, so I've been able to keep from eating just about anything. I haven't weighed in a couple of days (not because of my being afraid to read the scale) because I just haven't got the strength to look at it until I feel empty. Which is why I'm starting the fast first thing in the morning - or right now if you'd like to think of it because I won't be eating anything from this moment on.
I'd love to get some feedback and if anyone has any suggestions on what I can do to make this blog better, just leave me something. I love comments. Okay, that's a lie - it's more that I love interaction with other Ana's. (:

"I come with imperfections, epitome of perfection."