Thursday, December 17, 2009

Get Over It.

I'm so over people thinking they have any right to say anything about the choices I make. I know I make mistakes, but HELLO ! They're my mistakes, and I can't grow unless I make them. What makes people think for a second that they have a right to judge me, when they don't know me, when they haven't TRIED to get to know me? I mean, seriously people. Don't be so idiotic all the time. Grow up. Do something actually productive. All you do when you try 'help' or try to 'understand' me is piss me off. No one has to understand my choices, which is really why they are exactly that, MY CHOICES. I guess I can understand the idea of helping someone, but I don't think I need help. I am the way I am, and just because someone thinks something's wrong with me doesn't mean there actually IS something wrong with me. I mean, what's so wrong with wanting to be prettier? Skinnier? Happier? I see absolutely nothing wrong with trying to make yourself better. I guess people like me go to some extremes, but there's nothing else that works, and I'm willing, more than anything to give up most everything in order to make myself better in the eyes of other people and in my own opinion. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I'm having an extremely good day. I popped three Triple C's this morning before school - I feel absolutely fan-freaking-tastic. I don't think I'd know what I would do without being able to take something in order to keep my mood up and happy. Things get so stressful sometimes, and what else can I do but help things along - especially since it's the only way I know how. I don't take them a lot, just on the occasion when I wake up in a bad mood, or if I have a feeling things won't go the way I want them to throughout the day - or even worse, on days I won't have cigarettes.
I'm basically psyched to get out of school. After today, our last full day, we only have the half day tomorrow and then we're off for vacation. I don't know what I would do if there was any more time between me and just doing my thing. I have so much I want to do over break - and I just hope I find all the time I need to do it. (:
So, the Fast isn't starting today - I was forced to eat a couple bites of chocolate cake today during French class - I was a judge for this cake contest. I think I might be sick though. I feel like I'll never eat again - which wouldn’t be a bad thing at all, you know? I just hope my stomach can still get rid of it when I feel the need soon. I'm in the middle of my teacher's Aide block, so I'm not doing anything but helping people out in the library today. It's pretty lame, I know. I do enjoy it most of the time though. I have a lot of free time, so if I forget to do homework, or really want to read a book - I'm right here, so there's no worries. I'm starting tomorrow, for sure though. I always like starting on even days anyways, so maybe this was a sign.
I'm deciding on what I want to get my friends for Christmas. I have no idea at the moment, so if anyone has any ideas for my GAY best friend (boy) and my girl best friend (red head), I'd appreciate it very much. And, they're both super preppy too. And they hate each other. Ha, otherwise they're just like everyone else. They used to be best friends too, until girl messed up and pissed off boy, so you know how that shit goes. Oh well, I still like them both, and I won't let their feelings for each other get in the way of me having the friends I want to have, digg? (:
I keep seeing girls come into the library who are absolutely disgusting to look at. They remind me why I hate to eat - they're quite large, but they don't seem to care that they are. People like that disgust me, it's just wrong to be okay with being huge. I wish that kind of thing didn't bother me, but on behalf of all Ana girls out there - I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that if they want to be fat, they should all just kill themselves already. At least have someone else kill them and put them out of their and MY misery, you know? Or do something to get skinny - anything's better than being that big. I guess they haven't got the memo…

That's all for now. I'll be back to catch everyone up on how this exciting day will end. Ha, later girls. Stay Strong and Think Thin! (:

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

"Broken and Confused..."

Ever wonder why things go the way they do? Yeah, me too. I've been questioning a lot lately which is kind of making me sick. I'm mostly questioning everything religion wise, which is insane, considering how tiring it makes me. I had a really long and serious discussion with my friend last night after this thing at school called a Thirst Lecture and it was about how different religions celebrate in Winter. So, it had us discussing religion and what we figured out was that religion is truly just another way for the government to control the masses. Maybe it's all fake. There was this movie, which is more like a documentary that my friend sent me about how fake religion truly is, and it makes me question things even further. I won't give examples, since this blog isn't usually about religion, but it's not helping me figure anything out - just makes me wonder why I'm always falling for the crap people tell us.
I've been keeping up with different blogs from my followers, and also the people I follow and I've got to say I'm not disappointed at all. I'm proud of everyone for keeping up with Ana and I'm glad everyone's doing good. We just all have to keep in mind that problems will definitely come along, but we have to move past them if we want to get to the point we need.
As for me, I'm not doing that great. Not in the whole, Ana thing, but basically because everything in my life is making me more and more stressed lately. It's not that I'm trying to stress, but with exams and everything, I'm wondering if maybe I should become Buddhist and try reach Nirvana, and possibly like, make myself not worry about it anymore.

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Yeah, so my school is having step team tryouts today. Can you say lame ? I'm not sure I've ever heard of anything so stupid. Especially considering all the wannabe black girls who are going to show up and probably make it, but only because they'll be the only ones to show. I don't understand how they can't just get it together and play a real sport. It's ridiculous. I used to think it might be fun to be on some sort of school dance team, but when I saw the turn out for it my freshman year, I just about peed myself and decided maybe it was for the best that dance was only a class you can take at school, rather than something that competes and represents the whole student body. It's embarrassing, I tell you. And this is also way off topic from what I was talking about. I just can't seem to keep my mind on the same subject for long periods of time. Is that a sign of ADD ? If it is, I definitely qualify to have it. Damn. I haven't blogged in so long, I feel like I'm losing my touch. This morning, during first block, my teacher decided we were going to watch a movie rather than take a test, which I didn't mind at all of course, and then it turned out that the movie was Julie and Julia, which just made me want to blog even more. I've missed it, but I've been so busy and stressed, I haven't had time to add anything new. I'm working on making time so that I can keep up with everybody because I feel absolutely and positively left out. Always getting notifications of everyone else's blog, and then I just don’t' put up anything new ? That's so wrong of me. Plus, I love the interaction of a blog. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not alone in the world out here. I'm looking forward to the holidays, and while I'm saying that, I'm also thinking to myself about how much I'm not. Of course, I want a car, but that's not really important at the moment, now is it ? What's important is keeping up with Ana and making a difference - a visible difference in my life. I've decided a Christmas Fast is in order. I'd appreciate the support and I'll support anyone who decides to join me in this challenge. I wouldn't ask anyone to do it with me, but if you offer…I wouldn’t feel so bad. Ha.
On another note - I've decided that maybe dating is a possibility again. With everything being so stressful, maybe a boy would be a good thing to have around, take some of the pressure off. As long as the guy knew from the start that I wasn't going to be playing games. I need a boy who respects me, but most of all one that respects my need to be alone most of the time. I'd like a boy I could have around me a lot, but also one I wouldn’t have to worry about constantly. I'm not saying I'd want some closed, but I'd like to know a guy who wouldn't go around doing stuff with all sorts of girls while he's got me with him. I know that doesn't make sense, but I don't share very well. Either he'd deal with the way things would have to be, or I can just find someone else. I don't need something serious, but I also would like a guy I could trust. Although, I'm sounding awfully hypocritical, considering the circumstances. And my need of all these things makes me wonder if I can even find a guy like that, especially since most of the good guys at my school, and even outside of the school, I've already dated, and recycled - so there aren't many choices without choosing a guy younger than me. Which I guess could be a good thing - they have less experience with the whole dating scene, and most guys who love to have an older girlfriend. Hm, I'll seriously consider this… I keep switching topics, but it's obviously what I'm good at. In case I've never mentioned it, I'm a girl with a whole lot of ideas - I read several books a day. I'm also quite fond of locking myself in my room, taking long walks in on cold winter nights just to think things over, and I have this crazy hunger for cigarettes every time I think about them. Which is something I shouldn't have just mentioned because now I feel as thought I REALLY need one. Which is ridiculous, but at the same time seems like a sign - a sign saying that I should probably stop smoking so much and find something else to be addicted to - and I've even considered what I could do instead of smoking; have lots and lots of innocent sex, become an alcoholic, chew gum incessantly, or even start collecting something or other - but alas, I like smoking too much to stop it. Ha. (:
Okay, so there's this guy who wants to fight me…which is hilarious, because I think I could totally take him. Ha, we've been at each other's throats for years, all because he's liked me and won't freaking admit it. Which, I kind of prefer that he didn't mention it, mostly because I don't feel the same, but the idea's still there. I'd like for us to be friends, but it seems like that will never happen since we never stop fighting - even through text messages. It's dank, but it should probably stop. He doesn't actually hurt my feelings, but at the same time, it bothers me. And then there's this other guy, who I've mentioned before, but there's so much to say about him, it's crazy. He's like, one of my very favorite people in the world, and I've dated him a couple of times in the past. It's just funny because his sister sent me a post on Facebook one day about how she thinks we should date again, and ever since I've felt myself actually considering it. I mean, it's not that I don't like him, because I do - a lot, actually. It's more the fact that he's tiny and I'm well, not. It's kind of sick of me to actually pay attention to that, but if you saw this boy, you'd know what I mean. I'm working on my problems, so I don't really want to bring him into my messed up mind, but at the same time, I feel like I'm being drawn to him, but I'm so not sure why.
And on that note, I'll take my leave for the time being. I'm just sitting in class as it is, and it appears I'm needed to do some shelving. Ha, right. Me doing work in this class - it's a crazy idea. Anyways, I hope everyone's doing okay, and I'd love for anyone up for it to join me in my Christmas Fast - It starts tomorrow, December 17th, 2009.

------> Stay Strong my Sweets. <3

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Closer to Christmas; :/

I know I shouldn’t complain about the upcoming Holiday, but things haven't been going so great lately. I seriously haven't gained anything, but I'm also still the same as the last time I blogged. I assume most of my readers think I'm dead, or just ignoring everything. Well, you're wrong. I've been keeping up with my own readers, so I've been able to see how well everyone else is doing. I can honestly say I'm impressed with many of my girls out there for staying strong and actually keeping up with their blogs. I look forward to reading everyone's blogs, no matter who it is.
By the way, I'd like to also just go ahead and let everyone know that the situation with my 'boy' is finally over and everything is actually getting better for me. I'm not 100 percent yet, but I'm getting there, I promise. I'm actually thinking that as long as I try and stay positive, things will get better and better, you know ? I made a promise recently. I'm getting back on track with Ana, even if it kills me.
Christmas this year, oh yeah. It's going to be tough. I won't want to eat, of course, but I'll be forced to, knowing my mother. She's obsessed with making sure I eat. I hate that about her. Maybe if I had like, a naturally fast metabolism, I'd be okay with it, but hello - I obviously don't. I'll just have to try my best to keep away from foods.
Okay, so for Christmas, I would die for a car. I mean, seriously. I'm seventeen freaking years old, and I still don't have my own car. Both my older sisters had their own cars by the time they were my age, and I still don't. It sucks, majorly. I'd absolutely love to get an SUV, especially if it's a Volvo, I'm absolutely obsessed with them! I don't really know what else I could have for Christmas that would make me happy other than a car, you know ?
I'm just sick of waiting for a car. I mean, I've been driving for a while now, and yet I still don't have a car that I can rely on at all times. I'm bored with the whole "Mom, can I borrow your car?" thing. I'm about ready to completely get out of this damn place I'm in, and yet without a car I can't go anywhere.

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It's raining today. Like, extremely crazy weather. I don't mind the cold so much, but the whole it's pouring rain is pissing me off. I'm in an actual good mood at the moment, and yet as soon as I think about the rain pouring, I get upset. It's weird. I usually love the rain, and yet today it seems different. Probably because it reminds me of how I can't cry anymore. That's another recent problem of mine. I was considering the whole boy situation the other day, and I figured out something important. I thought when he asked me to sleep with him, he felt something for me. I thought it was a sign that we were meant to be something more. Obviously, I was wrong. So, I was thinking about it and it hit me that I hadn't had a good cry in a while, so I thought "Hey! You need a good cry, so go find a good movie that can get you crying and enjoy it." Well, it didn't work. I even tried thinking of really sad things, but it didn't work either. I haven't been able to cry in months now, which is confusing to me.
Maybe I just need something worse to happen to me than ruining my life over this whole virginity thing. It's whatever. I need support, someone help me?

Stay Strong.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

"She's in danger, isn't she?"

It's been an interesting week. My boy's back in my life, but I'm not sure if I'm happy about it. I'm not sure at all. It's one of those weird situations where I feel like he's more sticking around to make sure I don't do anything bad with my health, rather than because he wants to actually BE with me. It's a feeling I'm not comfortable with at all, but I don't know what I can tell him to make him realize I'm fine without him. It all started Tuesday night…
My friend Macy came over for a couple hours and she had been texting someone the whole time. I didn't think to ask her who because she's always texting someone, so I figured it was this guy she's been talking to - little did I know, she was talking to my boy. She told him everything I was telling her - about how I was going on a fast - and well, she told him. Apparently he started freaking out. She told me he said he was on the way over - I didn't realize she had told him, so I thought this was just one of his random visits. He gets to my house, barges in carrying a bag of chips, dip and crackers that he knows I love and sits down on my living room floor, sets the food out, without a word and points at the food. "Eat it." That's all he says.

-------------------------------------------------------------> <---------------------------------------------------------------- It's another week. It's Friday the Thirteenth to be exact. I'm sitting in class, thinking of how much I don't want to go home today. I ended things with my boy. It's not worth all the trouble being with him, that gets caused. I see him walking around with another girl - she's pretty - and he'll treat her well. I told him it was completely over, and to stop talking to me while I dealt with some stuff. I think I may just be upset because I didn't realize he would be over it so quickly. I asked a friend about it and she said he wasn't talking to the girl, but I shouldn’t care anyways - I had my chance. I feel less like me, lately. Like, maybe I'm just there - and not actually living. I'd like to be living, I think. I guess it honestly doesn't matter whether or not I want to - I can't make myself seem any more alive than I already am, right ? I've taken smoking to an all-new level. It seems my chain smoking is becoming more dominant, and I know it would kill my parents if they knew. If I knew of any way to balance the crazy pieces of my life out with cigarettes, I think I could try to do without them, but I don't know now if I'd want to. It's become an almost obsession, which is pretty damn bad, if you ask me. I'm just not used to this feeling anymore. I got off my medicine for depression about 2 years ago, and I feel now more than ever that I should be put back on - just to prevent matters from becoming worse - but in order to be put back on it, I would have to tell my mom and I just don't think she could take that, not now, after all the 'progress' I've made. I feel as if I've fallen off of the face of the Earth and I can't find my way back to Ana. I'm still not eating, but I don't feel a closeness to her anymore. And I'd like to thank my followers. I'm lucky to have the supportive girls reading my blog that I have. You girls are great, and I don't know what I would do without you. ------------------> Stay Strong.

Today is a new day. I keep forgetting to get on and post these. I haven't been myself lately. I've had a lot going on in school, so I get sidetracked easily. Oh well, I'll work on it. I will be posting more often, not that I have that many people who read, but thank you to those of you who do. :D
I'm starting another fast tomorrow, and I'd love for someone to join me, if you will. I don't know how long this one will last, but I hope it's a while. I need to purge my body of all this nastiness. I'm happy to announce that I am officially off of boys for the time being. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, "I don't know why you waste your time worrying about boys when you should be focusing on Ana." You're right, those of you who agree with this statement. It just took me until now to realize that I was being an idiot wasting all my time on boys when Ana needs the attention much more. Especially if I want to keep our relationship up and well.
I've been sick a lot lately, which has sent my hunger on a slight drop, which is very good, thanks. It's made me realize how much I honestly hate food. My relationship with almost all foods now a days is so fucked up, it's crazy. I don't mind though. I'd prefer to be angry and hate food than to be obsessed and love it, you know? Of course you know. All you girls hate food at some point, so you get my meaning. I haven't been listening to my Ana playlists lately. I need to get back to it. When I do listen, I seem to be stronger and keep focused better. It's time.
I'm sticking with my cigarettes, like I've mentioned a couple of times already. It's just so hard to get away from them when they help me limit my appetite. I especially don't need them when I'm chaining, so it's all good. My friend and I are starting to get back into smoking more lately, so I've been able to keep from eating just about anything. I haven't weighed in a couple of days (not because of my being afraid to read the scale) because I just haven't got the strength to look at it until I feel empty. Which is why I'm starting the fast first thing in the morning - or right now if you'd like to think of it because I won't be eating anything from this moment on.
I'd love to get some feedback and if anyone has any suggestions on what I can do to make this blog better, just leave me something. I love comments. Okay, that's a lie - it's more that I love interaction with other Ana's. (:

"I come with imperfections, epitome of perfection."

Saturday, October 31, 2009

All Hallows Eve

Halloween. All Hallows Eve. My favorite, absolute favorite holiday. And I didn't get to even celebrate it. Great way to start this week. At least I didn't go trick-or-treating so I didn't eat a ton of candy and mess up with the weight loss I've magnificently kept going. My friend got in trouble for having cigarettes and his parents don't approve, so neither of us went to that amazing party we were supposed to go to downtown tonight. Way to go buddy.
I've been considering quitting smoking. I don't think it would be hard, but anytime I've stopped in the past, I've gained a butt ton of weight after just a couple weeks of no cigarettes. I don't think my psyche could handle that at the moment, so I'm not sure when I'll start seriously thinking of quitting. I realize it's bad for your health, but so it the sun. I won't stop going out into it though.
I got my period - that's just about the best thing that's happened to me in the last couple of days. It's got me less stressed out about everything, so that's good. I slept better last night knowing I didn't have to worry anymore. I stayed with my baby boy M and I just felt so much better. The bad thing about being on my period - I feel huge. Like, I don't even get bloated, but I feel like I do. It's weird, don't ask. I'm scared to weigh myself tomorrow when I go to the gym, but I need to and maybe once I get back off my period, things will go better with my weight. I thought since I was so worried lately, my weight loss would increase since I haven't been eating much, stressed out as I was, but I don't even know. I didn't take the time to check my progress. I've seriously been that paranoid about being preggers. I've decided to make a new resolution though.
No more fun/sex/drinking/eating out/reading until I lose another 10 pounds, and hit a 20 day fast. I made it to 15 days last time, but I really have to complete this one.
I'm a strange kid, and I know most people would celebrate no reading, but I'm talking reading for fun, and yes - I read for fun. I admit it freely, no one's pointing a gun to my head, my mom's not standing right behind me reading what I type - I just truly enjoy reading.
I was walking around earlier, humming to myself, texting M and smoking a ciggy, and I thought to myself, 'Hey. If you can keep this up, you could be skinny. You could be beautiful.' And I realized that's exactly what I want. Of course that's why I'm here blogging, to point out how much I need to lose weight, to find people who understand that incessant need I have to be beautiful, but it really hit me while I was walking, so I felt I should share my revelation.
I haven't actually posted in a couple of days, but trust me. No one's missed anything special happening to me, or just in my life in general. I've just been questioning who I should trust, who I don't trust and why, and basically everything there is to question, I've done it. Questioned it that is, I'm not that screwed up. I've thought about sex a lot lately. I'm not even quite sure why. I don't think it's because I want to have it, just that it's such a big deal to me, and no one else I know seems to be bothered by it. And okay, maybe I do want to have it, but you can't sue me for that. It was good, the after-effects felt good, but I stand by my choice to be revirginized. I've actually considered going to confession and seeing how many Mary's I'd have to say to reclaim it. I'd probably be praying until I lost my voice or possibly undid all the beads on my chain.
I have really cute clothes. I'm not even being a bitch about it. I just totally have the cutest clothes. It's all name-brand, and I'm actually considered a brand-whore. I'm forever getting compliments, and it's a bad day if I only get say maybe 2 compliments on what I wear. But I feel like a cow in all of them. I know I must look like a cow in them, but people are too polite to say anything about it. I just wish they would come out and say how fat I look. Even if my clothes are cute. 'Be a real friend and give me the honest to God truth and maybe I'd like you better.' That's what I feel like saying, but instead I just say, "Thank you." I feel so fake saying it too. I don't really like that you've said it. I really want to bash your face in. Especially if you're skinny. Especially if you're skinny because of a speedy metabolism. Especially if you're skinny because you work out, because bitch I work out and it takes me forever to lose weight. But once again, I don't say anything like that. I try not even think that way, but it's true. It's how I feel. And now I don't know if anyone agrees with me, but I think maybe I should work a lot harder to lose weight so maybe one day I won't feel so negative towards these fake people and I can be just as fake back.
I think I'll begin my fast tomorrow. Sunday seems like the perfect day to begin. It's the first day of the week. The first day of the new month. A new beginning, so to speak. I'll restrict my fast to water, coffee (with sugar/creamer on good days), green tea and possibly so G2, just to keep my electrolytes up. I'll update as often as possible. I've got a busy couple of weeks ahead of me. Wish me luck.

Stay strong girls, never give up, even if the world's pushing you down. <3>

Monday, October 26, 2009

'Your Heart Just Melted'

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Mom's asking me questions about the whole Ana thing, she suspects again. I can't allow her to fuck this up for me. It just won't fly this time, not if I have anything to say about it. I need this. Especially after all the shit I've been through lately. It's just wrong for her to assume something, I haven't left any trails. And yet, there it is. I feel like she doesn't trust me, and honestly, she shouldn't but it hurts all the same that she doesn't. I don't blame her. Not after the last time. I know I fucked up when I was younger, but my biggest mistake was allowing myself to be found out. I don't know, I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
It's my birthday Sunday. I lost my virginity a week exactly from the day I'm turning 17. It's weird. Ha, but whatever. I finally talked to my boy, and had an almost normal conversation. I explained that I was hurt, but I didn't have the time to explain exactly how he's hurt me. I just wish he hadn't been talking to this other girl. He told me they aren't talking anymore - she "hates" him. Her? She better get in line.
I'm with my oldest sister for the weekend, and thank God it's a long weekend. You know what's funny? Even after all the shit I've been through lately, I still believe in God. I still think that he wants me to be my very best, make him proud, be shown in his likeness. I think, even if you aren't a believer, that everyone out there knows Jesus wasn't some ugly, fat guy who everyone listened to. People don't listen to ugly and fat people. I assume Jesus was an amazingly good looking, thin man. I might sound crazy saying that, but even I know that I would rather follow some crazy radical thinker who looked good than some nasty skank-looking dood.
Continuing from the start of my weekend - it's been such a long weekend. I mean, I loved all the time away from the gay town I live in, but I feel like I messed up so bad. I haven't weighed myself since I've been home, mainly because I'm afraid too. We smoke trees so much, and the munchies wouldn't go away, so I binged. Not because I was hungry-hungry, but because when I get high, I get the munchies like a bitch. I couldn't stop smoking either, so I spent the whole weekend doing it. I'm way upset with myself, but there isn't much I can do about it. I'm fasting again, starting tomorrow for probably another 14 days. I would start today, but I still have the munchies from the last go-round with the bowl.
I don't think I gained any weight, I kept getting sick to my stomach every time I ate, but the fact I ate all that was killing me. I hadn't eaten in 15 or so days, at least it would have been 15 if I hadn't slipped up at day 10, but it was only applesauce, so sue me. It was still a slip, I understand that. All I know is that, if I get hungry today, I'm going to eat. Just to get the munchies out of my system, and then I'm going to purge and use some laxies when I get home from the gym tonight. And ladies, let me tell you how well laxies work AFTER you go to the gym. You get your body all worked up and your metabolism going, so it makes it easier for your body to release. I know that's probably gross, but we're all friends here.
I guess I'm done stressing about the whole thing from last weekend. My boy and I are done. I told him so just last night - and yesterday just happened to be my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. :/ I told my sister about it while I was staying with her. She was disappointed in me, but she won't tell mom, and she said that it was just an experience fate happened to send on to me, even though I didn't want it. She really just hates that I don't remember it, or that my first time wasn't the special occasion I had always thought I would get. Oh well, karma's a bitch. I should have gone out with that kid from the library when he asked me. Maybe none of this would have happened. I could be dating him, and not making dumb attempts at loving being single. I do love it, don't get me wrong, but I always get into trouble without a boyfriend.
Sex really isn't that big of a deal to me anymore. I want to start fresh. Revirginized, I guess. I won't lie though. Today was the first morning I woke up and wasn't sore - and I kind of miss the feeling. Sick as that is, I know I won't be having sex anytime soon. I made a promise to myself. Either, I'll wait until I'm in a really strong and sturdy relationship to do anything, or whenever my thighs don't touch. They don't really touch-touch, but I feel like they do. My legs just need some help. Maybe I'll change the rules and have it to when I'm at my first goal weight. I guess that means - 20 more pounds? I could do that lickity-split, but hopefully it will give me enough time to get passed this whole thing emotionally. Well, I'm hungry now - so, I'm off to the bathroom to binge-purge. Enjoy the day ladies.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Give Me My Life Back

The last couple of days have been way stressful. I haven't been talking to my boy, since what happened Saturday night. I don't blame him anymore. I mean, I did, but that was dumb. It wasn't really his fault. I blamed him mostly because I've told him a thousand times that I was waiting until I was married, and I don't know. I just felt like he ruined something for me that was supposed to be special. I can't blame him anymore though. It's not fair to him, since it was partially my decision, whether I was sober or not. I guess I can't really say that I'm not upset with him, because I kind of am, but it's more me upset at myself than anything. I feel like I'm different in a lot of ways.
And damn, tell me how fucked up this is. My boy, after all this had happened, tells this girl about what happened that he just now tells me he's thinking of getting back with. I just can't understand what the fuck he was thinking. He fucking pisses me off so bad. And, even though he thinks I'm the one making it uncomfortable, it's worse for me because I was just becoming close with the girl he's talking to. Oh, let me explain something else - I told him the other day that I was definitely not ready to date him, and he should see someone else. That's why he's talking to someone else. I'd be even more pissed if he happened to be talking to her, at the same time as me, and had sex with me.
My friend Matt thinks I was being too harsh about this whole thing, until I explained all this to him last night, and now he thinks I'm not being harsh enough with him. I guess he's right, but I'm trying to ignore the fact I screwed up. I just need to move on. I wish I could go back and change how it happened. Then again, I knew I'd lose it to him. He must have to, because he came prepared, or so he says. That's what really messes with me. I'd told him a thousand times I was waiting, and yet, as soon as the chance presented itself, he went for it.
I feel used.
I feel abused.
I feel unclean.
I feel impure.
I feel used.
I feel like I don't know where I'm going with my life. I used to know everything about my plans for the future, and now it's just weird to me to even think about the future. I wish I could say that it never happened and go on with my life planning things and being excited about what's to come. I always has this dream my first time would be with someone I loved. I love my boy, but I'm wasn't and am not in love with him. I just don't know how to deal with this. I keep saying I'm moving on from it, but it's going to take me much more time to do it. I just can't figure out how I'm supposed to walk around and act like it never happened. I can't have that part of me back, and I know I'm going to miss it. I'll miss thinking about how much I'd have to love someone to be intimate with them. I'll miss dreaming about how my first time would be.
I think about it just about 24/7. Not the other night, and how it happened exactly, but sex in general. I shouldn't, but I do. It's weird, but thinking about it all the time makes me wan to do it. I'm sure that sounds bad too. I'm not saying I'm sex crazed but this feeling of being a bad person won't go away and it makes me feel like, "Hey! You already did it, you might as well keep at it since you're already impure." And I feel like I hear that in my head, every moment of every day, since it's all I think about. It makes me feel like a sick minded person, which I guess in a lot of ways I am.
My friend Matt, when we were talking about yesterday tried to make me feel better by telling me that when I was a virgin, I was in a small group, but now I'm in the larger group, since everyone at my school is basically having sex all the time - him reminding me of that didn't help me, at all. It just made me feel worse about myself. I don't know what's going to have to change for me to feel less sick about this whole situation. I still haven't been to the health department, but I need to go soon so that I can get things checked out. I've never actually wanted my period to come early so much in my entire life.
Damn him for being there that night. Damn me for being wasted. Damn him for asking me if it was okay. Damn me for saying "yes".

On another note, I'm doing good fasting still. I'm just going to keep going. I'm so sick with myself after Saturday night, I'm not hungry anyways. When I even think of food, I feel bile rise in my throat, so there's no use in trying to eat, especially when I don't want, need or even understand why I should eat. I don't deserve to eat. I deserve to starve. I deserve to be locked away for weeks on end without food. I should have to starve and watch everyone else eat. I swear, right now to everyone who will read this blog that I, Em, will not eat again until I know what's for sure happening with this whole situation. No matter how long it takes. I'll need support, and let me just say that I'm so thankful for texting buddies, especially my newest one, Ashley Arizona. She's been amazing in comforting me and helping me find new sites for thinspro.

Everyone stay strong and remember: Don't make mistakes. Don't fuck up. Keep starving. Don't eat. <3>

Monday, October 19, 2009

Go Fuck Yourself

I messed up last night. I'm so ashamed of myself, you've got absolutely no idea. I ate pizza, even though I'm supposed to be on my fast until Wednesday. The thing is, I ate because Wednesday night after my friend Macy's I had a fainting spell, and then yesterday at school I kept feeling faint, and I figured eating a little something would make me okay. The hell if I didn't screw up and totally binge on pizza. It's just so frustrating. I decided that I'm just going to move on from it, finish my fast I'm on - ending Wednesday - and then start anew. I can't let set backs like this mess up all the progress I've felt. I know it's crazy but I already feel like I'm not hungry enough. After the first 5 days on it, I was having the most incredible pains, and now I don't feel them. Eating last night was a big mistake. I couldn't even get rid of it, I was babysitting at Macy's and if Wes had noticed I was getting sick in the bathroom, he might have mentioned it to his mom. I couldn't have dealt with that. He loves me, and it would have made me look bad, since I wasn't actually sick. Except in my head.
I'm sticking to just coffee, water and a little bit of G2 today. I won't even consider anything else. No more calories than usual. I'll definitely be at the gym longer today too. I can't mess this up. Damn, I'm so angry with myself. I haven't even told my mom I ate last night. She's surprised I was serious about fasting after all of my fluctuating weights when I was younger and had Ana. She didn't know about Ana, of course, but she knew something was wrong. I rarely ate and now that I'm back to my old ways, I'm just worried she'll figure it out. I think maybe mentioning seeing a psychiatrist wasn't the brightest idea either. But I still need to see one, so I'll move on. If she considers it, I'll just lie like I usually do and tell her she must be crazy to think I'd ever do something so stupid, especially when it could kill me.
Better dead, than fat.
I wonder if you can get depressed with Ana. I have all the support I need, but I feel like it's draining me to keep going. I know it's important. It's the most important thing to me ever. Yet, I can't help but think that maybe I'm messing up more than I think. I don't spend a lot of time with my friends - I'm so obsessed with my weight. Which, is a good thing, right? Of course it is. Who am I kidding. I know it's okay. I just need to get some more inspiration and move on from there. I'll be fine. It's no big that I mess up, we all have our weaknesses, right? Right. So, from right now - I won't complain anymore. There's no point in it, seeing as how I know other people out in the Ana community are probably having the same problems, and I doubt very much that they're complaining as much as I do.

October 19, 2009
It's been a couple days since I started this entry, and I forgot to post this. So, I'll finish it now. I guess I could fill you in on the past couple of days. I'm back on track fast wise. I'm losing weight, so I'm happy. I'm in a bad mood though. This weekend, I partied hard. And I did something that messed up my life. I'm trying to pretend it never happened, but people have videos and pictures of me making the biggest mistake of my life. Let's just say, I lost more than just my drink, underwear and bra Saturday night.
I don't know how it even happened. I don't even know when my boy got to the party, I was that messed up. I'm still sick, and it's Monday. I'm sore, and even though at the time it felt good, I'm actually freaking out now. The more I come out of my hysteria and am no longer hung over, I'm starting to be more ashamed and hate myself even more for this. The really sad part is that the other day, I had actually decided that I didn't care about being safe anymore - I wanted this to happen. Now, I'm going back on my word, being hypocritical and it sucks. I'm trying so hard not to worry about what people are saying, but damn. Word's gotten out. We didn't use protection, because we would have needed like 5 boxes of condoms to cover what all we did.
I'm sick in my mind, and to my stomach. I'm afraid drinking so much has left me with alcohol poisoning or something. I don't know. I'm getting my friend Matt to take me to the Health Department after school within the next two days - I need birth control. Not because I plan on doing this again - I won't be doing it again for a very long time, but I do need to take a pack. I can't allow myself to make a mess out of my life by getting pregnant.
My boy's trying not to worry, but he is anyways. I shouldn't be, but I'm absolutely pissed at him. I don't mean to say he took advantage, but he should have known better than to ask me when I was drunk. Like I said, of course I had already decided I was going to do it anyways, but fuck. I just didn't expect to do it so soon, nor did I expect to regret it. My friend Matt thinks he took advantage of me. I don't really agree, seeing as how I actually did think about it when he asked, but I went and did it anyways. I'm just not in the best mood today.
I know this is a different kind of entry, but I felt I should vent about this. I have so much to think about, and I'm worrying like crazy. Anyone who has any advice, any encouragement, or anything to say to me to try and help me through this, it would be much appreciated.

Strive for Perfection. <3

Thursday, October 15, 2009

And you are not it

Day 5 of the fast. It's going well. I'm still kind of stressing though. Not about school or anything, but about something that happened yesterday. Let me explain.
I went to my friend Macy's last night to smoke a few ciggs since I can't smoke at my house, and we were out smoking. She went inside for a few minutes - I was on my third one and all the sudden I felt like I would be sick. So, I put out my smoke and walked into the house. I almost made it to the bathroom before I blacked out. I was only out a few seconds, but it made an impact. I haven't blacked out in such a long time, I wasn't prepared. I'm more prepared now, for if it happens again, but I just need to make sure I keep my blood sugar levels up. It’s just hard to do when I only drink water and sugar-free drinks. Not eating isn't hard or anything, but sometimes when I think about blacking out, it reminds me how important food much be to diabetics and people who suffer from low blood sugar and follow Ana. I feel for those kind of people.
I've made another decision, mainly about what I need to change in my life. I think that I should probably keep the fast going longer. You know, just to see how far I can make it. 5 days left, and I don't honestly know if I'm ready to give up the feeling of Hunger. It's empowering and I thrive with it. I feel better, especially when I feel my stomach in pain, it just reminds me of what I have to lose and how much control I have. It's actually pretty much the most fantastic feeling I've ever had. There's really nothing like it. Especially when you know how much you want something, and after a while, you don't even notice the food missing. Except maybe when you see the weight falling off. (:
Today feels like it's been going by really slow. I'm not even sure why. I haven't done much in school today. I have plans to hit the gym for 2 hours immediately after school, run by the doctor's office and get a flu shot (gross) and then I'm babysitting for a friend while she's out to eat with her beau. Her son's absolutely adorable.
On another note: my friend Macy's having a party Friday and Saturday night. Friday night just a few close friends are coming over and we're going to have a more intimate kind of party. Saturday, we're celebrating a friend of hers birthday and so we're having a complete blow out. It's going to be amazing. I probably won't drink or anything Friday - save any calories I gain for Saturday when everyone's around and I won't have to hold back. I need to Google the calories in all the drinks I usually have to I can total up what I can and can't have.
My stomach's starting to hurt again. Just in time. I'm about to go to the gym. If only the school bell would ring so I could leave this place and get started. I mean, like seriously. I love working out when my stomach hurts. It makes me focus more on sucking in and what I need to work on, once again. Not that I don't feel all the fat on my body, but the idea's the same. I've been trying to find more music to listen to while I work out, when I'm alone but I'm having trouble finding anything new that I like. If anyone has any ideas, let me know please. (:
OH! And I should also mention, I've decided to take things even slower with my boy. He's going to the parties with me, but I'm afraid he might expect something from me, more than I'm willing to give at the moment. I don't mean, you know, sex. I mean like, he might want something more emotional and I'm honestly just not prepared for anything like that at the moment. Maybe after I've seen the shrink and have an idea about why I can't find close attachments to people, then I'll try it, but not until then. I do like him, very much. I just can't seem to make myself want to be something more with him. It's weird. I'm physically attracted, and while I feel like I feel something for him, I know it's just lust, but I'd like for it to be more, which is why I'm working to get better at this whole personality improving thing.
I hope everyone's having a great week, and I'm so glad tomorrow's Friday - and homecoming Friday at that! Wish me luck looking good in the dress I just got. Even though, we all know I won't.

Fast Fantastic, Slim Skin, Starve on Ladies. <3

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Today is a new day

Today was day 3 of my fast. I've lost 2 lbs, and by tomorrow I should be down another 2 lbs. I feel really good, and I've so missed the feeling of being empty. Now, I have to give props to SkinnyLove for fasting along with me, and also because she's finally realized she's got an ED. That's a big deal; it's one thing to think that maybe you do have one, but a whole other thing to understand that you really Have one. So, I say congratulations and good luck with the fast!
So, I've had a pretty good day today. I haven't been hungry or anything, so it's not like I've thought of food much. I mean, seriously. Tomorrow will be the day that decides how this fast is going to go, which I'm pretty sure it will be fine. My stomach growled for the first time in 3 days like, 2 hours ago, and it shocked me. I still didn't and don't feel hungry.
It is now hours later, since I first started this entry. I've figured a couple things out. Mainly, that because of my ever changing moods, which I guess I should explain to you. I'm bipolar. I've known for a couple years, but it's never affected me as much as it had recently. I've basically sheltered myself off from making more friends just because all the people I hang out with are super bitchy, like how I am, except they're that way because they choose to be. I'm sick of being mean to people. I don't mean to be, but it happens. Especially with a medical condition, so tonight I decided that I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist. Yeah, it seems kind of extreme, but if you had to walk around in my head for a day, you'd know it's probably the best thing for me.
Now, no way in hell will my psychiatrist find out about Ana. I won't let that happen, but maybe if I was nicer to people, things would start looking up and I could finally put my full focus on Ana. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. I'll discuss the fact that I'm hateful towards people, and maybe find out why. I think it's more about a necessity for me to figure out what's wrong with me, than what I want. If I had my way, I'd be fine and dandy, but the fact is - I'm mean to people and it should stop. Especially considering everything I put myself through. I have no right to be rude to others, and yet I am. Maybe this guy/woman can help me get on track so I can focus on more important things.
I've actually considered going to see someone about everything before, but I guess I just wasn't ready to admit I had a problem until recently. I seriously need this. Maybe everything will make more sense after I talk to someone. Maybe it won't, but it's worth a shot to me.
The gym today was amazing. I felt so strong. I went without my gym buddy again - since she obviously had better things to do - go out to eat with her dad… anyways. I'm pretty sure I'm happier since I started this fast. I know it's going to take some time, but the results I've gotten so far are making it seem more than worth it. And seriously, this whole taking Benefiber with different drinks I have, omg. It's so working. I'm getting rid of so many bad things in my system, it's crazy. Maybe not crazy, but it's definitely a good thing. (:
And for those of you who are planning to, or doing the fast with me, more power to you. I'm seriously here for anyone who wants to talk about it. I know it's somewhat difficult, considering I'm just getting back into fasting myself, but I've also been here, so I know what to expect.

Alright, so I'm starting to get all shaky (amazing!) so I'm going to go lay down, look at my Vogue and listen to some thinspration. I'll check in again soon. I love you girls.

Stay strong. Think Thin. Fast free. <3

Monday, October 12, 2009

I told another lie today

Today, ladies is my second full day fasting. I've confined myself to only drinking certain liquids, such as fresh fruit juice, water and green tea (diet). Since yesterday, I've already lost a pound. It's very exciting, yes I know! I'm just hoping I can get past the 4 day marker without any problems. I remember making it past day 4 was always the best thing, because after that I can make it for as long as I plan. This time, I'm only doing a 10 day fast, mainly because this is the first fast since I've begun integrating Ana back into my life, so I figured I should start out slowly. It ends on October 21st, if anyone wants to join late. (:
I've decided that I'm really moving on now. I mean, moving past everything dramatic that happened last year. I'm tired of being alone and making up so many excuses. My boy I'm talking to right now, he can handle this. He isn't going to know about Ana, only because I don't know what he would think of me, but I'm not going to hold back from him anymore. I'm sick of excusing myself from our dates because I'm afraid to get too close. If I'm meant to get hurt while with him, then it will happen. I can't make things happen. I also can't know what could have happened without letting it all just go…
Being in control has never been something easy for me to just give up. I hate being out of control. I have to be in control. No one can handle things the way I do, not in the way I like them nor as good of a job as I can. That sounds bad, but it's true. I'm not saying I'm perfect - far from it, but I can handle things much better by myself and in my own way than if I had someone telling me what to do. Which is why I told my mother to forget about dieticians for now, and let me try to work my weight off on my own. She just doesn't know my plans for HOW to get the weight off. I may be lying to her and everyone else I love, but I have no doubt in my mind that they will agree it's worth it when I'm thin.
This week, I've chosen "Courage" by Superchick as my song of the week. It's helped me prepare for this fast, and it's given me ideas to get through it. As for everything else, I just don't know what to do.
I'm cutting this entry short - I have an exam in the morning, I should be studying for. If I don't at least study, I'm just going to bed. I need time to think and relax anyways. Best to all you girls (and guys) going through similar situations.

Think Thin, Stay Strong, Purge Profoundly. <3

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Where are you now?

Today was so stressful, and I fucked up so bad. I ate so much. I didn’t have much of a choice, but I can’t make excuses. I disgust myself. Damnit. I wish I could take it all back, which is exactly what I’m trying to do. I’ve taken a couple laxies and pills, so it should all be gone soon. I hope. I hate when I go to bed and wake up with extra weight. It takes so long for me to get rid of it, and I just need it gone. When it pops back on, it just makes me hate myself even more. I don’t even know how it got so out of hand. I didn’t eat anything for breakfast, as usual. Lunch, mom made me eat a serving of macaroni and cheese with some green beans. No big, I got rid of it. But then, after church, we went to celebrate my grandma’s birthday, and went to Lizard’s Thicket – nasty food. My mom made me eat what I ordered though – grilled cheese with a side salad (I’m vegetarian and they have nothing vegetarian friendly). And then came the cake. THAT NASTY MOTHERFUCKING CAKE. My grandma watched me eat it. She stared at me until she saw I was eating it and had finished it. She even gave me “an extra big slice” because she “knows I love her cake.” She’s wrong. I hate it. Now that I know I want to be skinny, I hate everything she makes. I couldn’t tell her that though. So I suffered through it. And now I hate myself. I hope it was worth all my self-hate Grandma.
Then, I had plans to go to this “major rager” in town, but of course thirty minutes after I got there, the cops were called because the music was too loud, so I left before they caught up with all the underage drinkers. Ha. Thanks for a sucky night. Sometimes I feel like the worlds working against me. Does that sound odd to you? I guess it’s pretty odd to think, but that’s exactly what I think. The world doesn’t want me having fun, so it ruins my good times. Whatever.
I had to go get new glasses, the day after I lost them (yesterday) I had to go to the eye doctor and buy a new pair. I miss my red ones, but my new black ones are just like the red ones, except for color-wise. It sucks, but at least I can see now.
And my plans for after the party got messed up. Now, I’m sitting around doing nothing (except typing this) and checking FaceBook because my date for after the party is still out partying with his friends. We’ll call him C. Well, C – hm. How can I explain my relationship with C? I guess I could just call us friends with benefits. I keep a distance from him mostly because he’s a couple years older. I mean, I’d so totally be all over him to date if it weren’t for the fact that he’s moving soon. Yeah – to pursue his music career. His band’s doing really well and they’re about to start touring with A Day to Remember and all these other similar taste bands. It’s exciting, and don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy for him. I just hate he’s leaving me. And that’s so selfish of me. I’ve only known him a few years, but I feel like he’s deserting me. It might be a good thing though. Whenever I think about it, I lose my appetite. Maybe I’ll just think about it all the time. Save myself any thoughtless eating time. I’m just looking forward to spending as much time with him as possible over the next couple weeks before he leaves.
My thoughts lately have also got me thinking about finally having my cherry popped. Yes ladies, I’m the Virgin Mother. Ha. I’m proud of myself for holding out this long for a good guy. I still don’t have a stable relationship, but I’ve been thinking more and more lately that maybe waiting until I’m married is a bit extreme. Barely any of my friends are virgins anymore. Not saying I only want to lose it so I’m not the only virgin, but they make it seem like no big deal. The only thing for me is that I’m worried that after I do it, I will see it as a bigger deal than all my friends are making it, you know? I’m not sure. It’s not like I’m in a hurry or anything, but I’m starting to think that if I found the right guy, I could possibly make it work.
It’s been a long day – and it will be an even longer next couple of hours waiting for C to get home. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m off to do something to keep my mind off of all the food I ate today – like purge or something. I need inspiration. Help?!

Lonely and Suffering.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Everything Ends

I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about everything in my life, and how I'd like to change it. In order to change it, I need to let go of things holding me back from becoming Brand New, like I would like to be, or at least feel and look. I know it's going to be a tough road, but that's why I'm so glad I have my friends here in the blog community to support me. I'll have my ups and downs, but I'll sure as hell enjoy the ride. So, to begin, I'm going to become more immersed into the idea of devoting myself to Ana. It won't be too difficult, since I know she can help get me through anything, but it just puts more pressure on me to work harder, try harder, do better in order to succeed and make Ana proud.
I messed up quite a bit lately, but I'm back on track now. I've purged myself of everything bad, binged the hell out of myself so I no longer crave those foods and then made a pact with myself to work harder at the gym - even though I already spend two hours there everyday, working out non stop. I know that in order to succeed and make this work, I have to give my all. Not just every couple of days thinking that maybe I should give in, binging because I'm upset, or actually giving up. I need to make sure that I won't question what I'm doing. So, in honor of Ana, I'm redecorating my room. I'm putting up posters of skinny movie stars, anorexic models and good looking actors who will help me to remember how much of a fatty I am every time I enter the room. Because I am, fat, I mean. There's no denying it. Sure, I'm not overweight or obese or anything, but I might as well be - the way I feel. I've given in to food too much over the years, and if I don't stop it now, I may never stop.
So, with Halloween coming up and the need to wear a cute skanky outfit, and me being fat, I need to lose the weight. My plan is to fast every other day, and only eat fruits and veggies (under 300 calories) every day in between. Today will be my fruits and veggies day, since I already had some grapefruit (38 calories). I'm pretty positive this will work. I mean, I'm a vegetarian, and I mostly only eat fruits and veggies anyway, but the big thing will be to add more water to my diet, which is really only a term for what I eat, not an actual diet. You can't technically fast and be on a diet at the same time, so that's why I explained it. Ha. OH! I already picked out my Halloween outfit. I'm going to be a gypsy. I always thought gypsy's were amazing, so I figure why not be something I'm interested in? I mean, it was either that, or a Vampire, and most of my friends would think that was weird, since I have a huge obsession with them. Mainly, because I'm big into reading, and most of the books I've read and bought are about vampires. I mean, it's no big deal or anything, but I don't see why my friends have to be such downers on me. It's not like I walk around dressed like one everyday - but I have a feeling that if I showed up to trick-or-treat fest wearing a vampire costume, they'd make me leave and change or something dumb. Ha. Anyways, the gypsy's skirt is tres short, so I need to work on my thighs like crazy before I even attempt to try on the outfit again. I guess if I can't get my weight down by then, I'll probably just go as a nun or something, wear one of those shapeless dresses so no one can see my fat stomach and legs. UGH. Why do my calves and my arms have to look so fantastic and yet, nothing else can look right?!
The thing with me, is that, even though I have some great features, I never notice them until other people point them out. Like, my boobs for instance. Guys are always noticing them, but honestly - I'd give them up in a heartbeat to be skinny and boobless. Seriously, I need this that bad. It sounds pretty bad, and a lot of guys like me for my boobs, but I want to be liked because I'm beautiful and skinny - not "pretty with big boobs" you know? I don't know, maybe I'm trying to make something work here that just isn't there.
Update on Boy Toy: So, we're hanging out more regularly (when I don't have to hit the gym to punish myself for getting too comfortable around him) and things are going pretty well. It's obvious he likes me, but I don't know why. I can't ask him, he might think I'm insecure, which I'm seriously not. I just need to know why he likes me. A girl always wants to know, right? I mean, there's nothing wrong with being curious. Especially when he's this major jaw-dropper and I have absolutely no looks compared to him. Guys like him have always noticed me, and I've hooked up with them, but only for random hook-ups. He actually likes me, for me. Or so I think. Lords knows, this could be about some bet he lost or what not. I hope it's not, I mean how high school dramatic movie is that? Ha. We went out and walked the train tracks behind our neighborhood the other night (YES! He lives down the street!) and held hands. It was so sweet. And kind of scary, but he said he'd take care of me if anything happened, and not to worry. So I didn't. Worry that is, I was shivering over our closeness, which he took as if I was cold, so we went back to his house and snuggled on his bed and watched Family Guy. Romantic, huh? You'd think it wouldn't be, but it was nice. (:
Other parts of my Life: Not going as great. I mean, everything's cool with school. I do well in all my classes, but I also don't hang out with my friends as often. I get up, get ready, go to school, hit the gym immediately after, go home, shower, do homework, check Facebook, watch a little of Bones and then pass out. That's EVERY SINGLE DAY for me. Seriously, nothing every really changes, until the weekend when I spend Saturday outside trying to get as much exercise as possible, Saturday night I usually go out with my friend Brent, and he's gay so it's not big. Sunday I usually sleep in, get ready, spend the afternoon with Boy Toy and then hit the gym later in the afternoon before I make sure I have all my homework done, go to bed and wake up and do the same damn routine as every other weekday. I feel as though I don't have a life, as if something's taking it over, but I like it. I know Ana's becoming a more prominent member in my life, and I thank her for that. Sure, I miss hanging out with my friends more and more, but I also lose weight and feel more comfortable when I'm working out than I ever did.
"I'd like to think the best of me, but every time I look at me I feel like throwing UP!"

Stay Strong. Think Thin. Blaze Baby.<3

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Damn me to Hell - I suck.

I haven't been keeping up with this blog lately. I need to. I'll start by mentioning that I officially suck as of the last couple of days. I've binged like crazy, gained 4 pounds and am entirely sick of myself. I even skipped the gym yesterday and just went and freaking ate out with my gym buddy. So, neither of us doing so great. All I know is that, as of tomorrow, I'm for sure back on my FAST!

On another note, I'm starting to join more clubs in order to keep my mind off of the F word. I'll still have plenty of time to hit the gym, but I'll have less time to eat since all I'll worry about it working for club things, homework and working out! It's smart. And I'm considering getting a job…

We'll see if that works out for me. I'll keep you posted. (:

My birthday's next month. October 25. I'm not sure how much I'm looking forward to it. Don't get me wrong, I'll be glad to be 17, finally. But, I'm also not sure if I'm ready to keep getting older. That sounds dumb, yeah - I know. But, I want something different to happen.

Back to being upset with myself. My nails are bit down to the cue. It's nasty. I can't stop being nervous all the time. All I think about it food. And how fat I am. It's disgusting. I need help, like major help. Anyone who has any ideas, please speak to me. Help me through this.

Stay Strong. Think Thin. <3

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Fiber Challenge

I was so upset this morning! When I woke up and weighed myself, I was at 150! I was like, "What the hell? How did this happen?" Well, I went to the gym and worked out like mad crazy, and when I was about to leave I weighed myself again, I was at 147.2, and omg. I thought I was going to cry. Ha, in a good way! I kind of binged last night on some cheetos, you know? The hard kind? Ah, it was fantastic for that moment, but then I wanted to never eat again because I was so upset with myself. Considering that I lose more weight when I eat something with fiber, or drink something with fiber, I think it's okay for me to continue to eat, but only eat high fiber and very little of it.

Now! Any of you out there who are having trouble losing weight, listen to this. I understand how hard it is to be Ana, and sometimes you just feel like you have to eat. So I have an idea for any of you out there willing to forgo the idea of being Ana as only a disorder in which you do not eat. First you have to start eating; but not a lot. Every morning, since we all know breakfast is the most important meal of the day, you eat something full of fiber. I'm talking foods like:
§ Bananas
§ Fiber bars (FiberOne)
§ Cup of FiberOne cereal

That sort of thing. After you eat this, don't eat anything else for the rest of the day unless you eat negative calories such as lettuce, celery, broccoli, carrots, etc. You get what I mean. And while you work through this, drink mostly water or diet green tea throughout the day. And may I add that I've found that the best brand of diet green tea would have to be Lipton. It's simply perfect. The exact name for the drink is Diet Lipton Green Tea with Citrus. It helps you to go to the bathroom more often and you also get cleaned out. It's much healthier than drinking anything that isn't water. (Although, I'll admit I drink a little bit of G2 almost everyday!)
If you decide to try this, only try it for a week. If it does not show you some results before 5 days are up you should probably stop. Not everyone can use this. Some people, it may work, or it may cause a weight GAIN which none of us want. I think because I exercise so much, and have my body moving and my bowels (gross) moving so much throughout the day, I can lose the weight easily, plus I have a lot of weight to lose. Others who are somewhat closer to their goal weight should probably stick to not eating unless they just eat negative calories when they need to.
And once again, I have some questions. First, whenever you're out with your family and they know you haven't eaten during the day and you can't say you're sick and don't feel well, what kind of excuses could I use? Second, when my friends start to notice I'm losing weight, what do I tell them? And finally, if someone I know notices what's happening, like puts together the fact I never eat, wear a red bracelet and seem to be losing a lot of weight and they tell someone what they think, what do I do? Should I ignore them? Or should I try to make up excuses? I don't understand how I would work with it. The last time I dealt with Ana I didn't have to worry about any of this because no one really paid any attention to what I did because my weight was always fluctuating, but since I've kept most of this weight on a couple of years, people will surely notice a difference.

Well, if anyone decides to try the Fiber Challenge, let me know. Otherwise and in other news - Next week, beginning Monday I'm going to fast for a week. Anyone want to join me? (:

Keep Your Thoughts Thin, girls. <3

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Spread The News

I didn't lose a single oz yesterday - I gained a lb. Not because I was eating too much, but I think the fact all I was doing yesterday was eating watery veggies for dinner and drinking water all throughout the day had something to do with it. I guess I just didn't have time for my body to get rid of it - remind me to not weight myself everyday like this. It's seriously an obsession that needs to stop. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not good enough to do this. I want the weight off, and want it off fast, but it's just taking too long. Although, I do suppose it's quicker than eating normal and working out - so, never mind. I'm sticking with it. (I feel like I just argued that with myself! Ha.)
In other news, I'm working harder than ever at the gym, and people are so noticing. I was at Carrabba's with my friend Matt the other day (because he's obsessed) and we were walking out when he yelled out to me to slow down, because I "walk too fast" and he caught up with me on the way to my car and was like, "You know that girl who works the to-go section?" and I was like, "Not personally, but I know who you're talking about. Why?" and he was like, "Oh nothing. She just asked if you were my girlfriend and I said no and she was like, 'Why not? She's beautiful.' and well, she's right."
I think I was in shock for a moment. He'd never said anything like that before. And I hadn't even eaten food when I was in there with him, so I think the glow he must see if all thanks to Ana. (: Anyways, it made me feel really good. I mean, it was amazing. I was high off of that compliment alone for like a week. It still makes me happy. And it's just one of those things that will help me to stay motivated and continue on with Ana.
I'm disgusted with myself for eating at all ever. I hate food right now. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting. It sucks. I'm tired of never approving of what I see in the mirror and only being able to see my weight.
And yesterday, at lunch my friend Stace was sitting across from me eating a box of chicken and nasty fries and a cup of lemonade (lord knows how many calories that is) and she would start laughing when she was eating, and I'm glad she's happy and all - but her face is getting fatter like it used to be. She used to weigh like more than me, but then she lost a lot of weight. I weigh 3 pounds more than her right now, but she's flat in the stomach while mine's still not quite there yet. My friend Brad's noticing her weight gain too. And it bothers both of us. We worry that she's going to go and gain all that weight back.
Honestly, sometimes I WANT her to gain it back. I want her to be fat. I want to be the skinny one. Not that I'm anywhere near being skinny yet, but skinnier* than she is. I'd say that I shouldn't feel this way, but why the hell should I not have some healthy competition with a friend? Ha, healthy. Funny word, that. But it's whatever. Either she is or she isn't getting fatter. All I know is that I will never be this weight again, as long as I live and breath and can do something about it.
I wish I had more time to blog today. I have so much to finish during this block alone (French 3) and then I have to get everything together for my APUSH class this afternoon. Blah.

And Q: Does anyone know what I can do to help myself lose more weight, other than fasting, exercising, and taking dietary supplements?
And Q: How many calories add up to a pound?

Well, I have stuff to do, so I guess I'll get to it. And remember: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."

Salut ma petites. <3

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Don't Question Me

I didn't lose anything yesterday. I stayed the same - I guess that's better than gaining any of that nasty weight back. I'll just work out harder today and eat even less than yesterday (grilled veggies & lettuce & half oz of cheese). I think I'll just eat raw veggies, save those calories and not eat the cheese. I'm obsessing over my ED again. I didn't think I would obsess so quickly, but of course I am. I'm sick of not being as thin as I know I could be.
I've found a new role model - Mary Kate Olsen. I chose her because my texting support (Megan!) told me to choose someone close to my height, and if she can do it, I can do it. Her lowest weight was 88! That's super far away from what I'm at right now, but I'm sure I can at least get pretty close - I hope! (:
Today's been pretty average. I'm not hungry, but I'm looking forward to the hungry feeling I'll get towards the time I head over to the gym. I guess I'll try spend extra time there today since my gym buddy won't be going with me today. I so don't mind going alone though. I can listen to my Thinspration music and look at pictures on my IPod touch, and stare at the girls and boys in the gym who are way smaller than me and remind myself that I NEED to lose the weight.
I weigh myself constantly. I think I need to get my own scale for my bathroom instead of using my parents because my mom's even noticing how much I check it. She won't say anything about it - she's happy I'm doing something for myself. She wouldn't be happy if she knew Ana was helping me to lose it. She thinks it's just me eating right and exercising - how wrong she is.
I have two older sisters - they're both tremendously beautiful and tremendously thin. I kind of hate them for that. I look just like my oldest sister Em, but she's much smaller than me. She did gain a lot of weight before this past summer and was up to 136 (which I hope to be at soon!) and then when I called her fat (this coming from a cow, moo) she decided it was time to lose the weight. She now looks like she's only around 110 pounds, maybe smaller. She's always kept small though. I always thought of her as my role model - because although she wasn't brilliant like I'm said to be, she did have everything I wanted. She's gorgeous, thin, always has a bangin' boyfriend, lots of gorgeous friends (she doesn't feel inferior to) and everything is so easy for her.
I on the other hand have to work like mad crazy just to be kind of okay with how I look. Like Rachel Ferguson says, (hating the reflection in the mirror) I want to be able to look in the mirror and know I look good. My friend Brad asked me last night why I'm not dating anymore (because I haven't dated anyone in months!) and I told him that it was basically because I wasn't comfortable with myself and until I was, I wasn't going to date anyone who might call me beautiful and say I'm perfect the way I am when I'd be lying to myself if I agreed. Because I would agree, if I fell in love with him. Then, later on in the relationship when things got bad, and we ended it, I'd never know if he only said that to keep me around or if he really meant it - I'd probably get depressed and gain even more weight - sorry, but I swear to Ana that will not happen to me.
I've also decided that I won't eat anything that is like, a major sweet for like a couple weeks. I know it doesn't sound like a major feat or anything, but for me it is. I mean, I don't really eat a lot of sweets, but my birthday's coming up in October (25!) and I want to look cute when I go to the beach for the weekend, you digg?

On another note, I'm basically satisfied with how I'm doing thus far. It's no where near where I expected (last time, I lost the weight much quicker) but it may have something to do with the medicine I take for being bi-polar, you think? Ha, anyways. I can't wait to work out today. I feel so encouraged at the moment. I wish I could just leave school and hit the gym for a couple hours. So, not only am I obsessed with my ED, but I'm also obsessed with working out - which btw, is a good thing! Ha.
I told another lie today - my advisor in the library asked me if I would like a piece of chocolate cake - and thinking to myself I was like, "OMG PLEASE! I HAVEN'T HAD REAL FOOD IN OVER A WEEK!" But out loud, "No thanks, I ate a big breakfast." I kind of felt bad for lying, when I could have just said no thanks, but then she may have asked me why, and either way I would have lied. It's not like I'm a bad liar, but the thing is, sometimes I'm too good, and I lie to myself. I'm afraid I'm doing just that as I continue on with Ana. Am I really going to be able to do this? YES! Or do I really think that? Is it worth is to endanger your health to be thin? OF COURSE! But do I really mean it?
Questions and unreasonable, unsolvable, improbable answers. I'll need some more help going today - not that I can't fight off the food - I still won't eat, but I wonder if I should stop being so serious? Even though it makes me feel good. Or does it? Oh well, I'll figure it out.
…I think.

Thin, Need to be Thin.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Veggies <3

: The reason I make it through the day when I’m not fasting. Today was one of those days. And they were so very good. Mom grills them, and omg. I crave them above any other food, even over sugary foods when I’m fasting. It’s crazy, I know. My friend who hits the gym with me every day at a slice of pizza right after we left, and all I have to say that that is – gross. I did not work off 600 something calories just to waste it on pizza, especially considering that that one slice was probably over 600 calories in and of itself. Nasty. Anyways, this friend – well we’re the ones who have the plan that when we both lose 10 pounds, we’ll go out and celebrate – at her rate, I’ll be down another 10 by the time she gets to her first 10. Not that I mind, and it’s not like she knows how I’m losing the weight so fast. I don’t want her to know, honestly. I don’t want anyone trying to talk me out of what I’m doing. It’s working – I look forward to the starving – no one is talking me out of this. I just worry about what she’d think of me if she thought that I – someone she looks to for advice – was doing something harmful towards her own health, you know?
I honestly know that there are some serious health risks that go along with being Ana, but the hell if I don’t think it’s worth it. Don’t you agree? Of course you do. Anyone who reads this is proAna, and if you’re not, please don’t read my thoughts. I’m not here to encourage people to be Ana, but to support those people like myself who are already Ana and knows it’s a lot harder to give up Ana than anyone else might think. I think I like it mostly because of the fact I feel like I can finally control something. Does that sound bad? I want to be thin, and this is one of the only things I can control. I know what I eat – I hate myself when I eat more than I plan. I applaud myself when I do better than I plan – when I don’t eat or drink any calories at all. I know what I want. Says a lot for someone as messed up as I must be, right? Wrong. At least I know what I want. I want to be thin. Do you want to be fat? Oh, you’re one of those skinny girls who have the speedy metabolism? Bugger off. I don’t need you here.
I decided I’m not going to my prom unless I’m a size 4. Which is saying something – I’m a size 9 right now. Fuck. I have a long ways to go, but I know it’s going to be worth it. I’m worth it, I know it. Maybe I’m not right now – in all my fatty glory, but I will be worth it; when I’m thin, when I’m beautiful, when I’m perfect. Lord knows I have the drive to see this thing through – so, girls. Pray for me. Ha. (:
And don’t forget, anyone who needs a supporter, I’m here! I’m way talkative, so I can talk myself out of big eating binges, and I could just help you through not eating your feelings. Especially if you’re stressed in school or whatnot. Enjoy the day girls!

Starving For Perfection, <3

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Straight up

Two more pounds <3

This has been one amazing day! I woke up thinking about how good today was going to be, and then I stepped on the scale - another two pounds down! If I can keep this up, I'll be in the 130's by Monday of next week! Damn, this is so exciting. I had to eat at Fatz today though, and I had soup and Salad, but I feel like I've been eating like crazy today - even though I haven't. I don't know. I just have a really good feeling about this week. (:

On another note - I've recently decided that maybe I'm not taking this seriously enough. So, I'm considering the need of some of those red bracelets (yeah, those red bracelets) to help remind me of everything. I don't know how to make bracelets though. And I also don't want to go out and buy a bracelet, it just doesn't sound like it would have the same meaning that way, so I'd like to see if anyone out in the Ana community would like to make me a bracelet. (: If not, it's okay. I'll find someone to make me one around here. I just wouldn't want them noticing my weight loss and see a red bracelet, you know?

Well, it's been a long day. I spent it with my friend Matt again, and we went back to the park and walked all these cool trails (even though I'm not really that much of an outdoorsy kind of girl) and it was simply perfect. And before anyone wonders, no. I don't have feelings for Matt. I mean, I thought I did for a while, and we were going to try to date, but the fact that I know I'm fat bothers me, and he's like minute. He's freaking tiny as hell, and I always feel even bigger around him, so I couldn't do it. He thinks I'm perfect - I think he's crazy. But maybe one day, maybe not. Depends on if I ever feel good enough for anyone.

And if anyone wants to talk, I may not be on here, but you can e-mail me anytime. Send me a message, and I'll send you my e-mail. And thanks to Megan, my new text buddy. I learned a lot from her today, and it's the first day we've talked. You're great! I can tell we're going to become really good friends. (:

Peace. Love. Thin. <3

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Starving For Perfection

I messed up big time yesterday and ate a doughnut, but when I woke up this morning - thanks to the amazing set of diet pills I've been using combined with all my working out and vitamin supplements, I'm down another three pounds! I'd forgotten how good starving feels. And best of all, no parents home today to make me eat! I'm like, beyond happy right now. As soon as I stepped on the scale this morning, I had a bad feeling I'd weigh like 5 lbs more than yesterday, so I was shocked to see I'd lost weight. This means I'm a total of 7 lbs down from when I started this journal! Yay!
As for my plans for today:
- Going back to sleep for a couple of hours.
- Driving into town to shop (I need to get some pants I can't fit into that are super expensive; it'll help keep me motivated!)
- "Lunch with Matty" (my friend, he won't notice me not eating)
- Going to the movies (I have to see the Time Traveler's Wife!)
- Spending the night off, hopefully
I'm so psyched that I lost that weight. My friend and I have made a bargain that after we both lose at least 10 pounds, we'll go out to celebrate. I will not be eating nasty calories that will take weeks to work off and just make me even bigger than I am now. I mean, maybe I'll get some fro-yo (which is so much better for you, and has way less calories than ice cream, you should try it!).
Oh! And I'm going to start posting a proAna song of the week - the song I find has helped me the most that week.
Week 1 - "Never Good Enough" Rachel Ferguson <3

Keep Thinking Thin. [:

[And if you need support, I'm here. I need it too, but I'm more willing to help others at the moment. I feel so in control (which is totally saying something) and I'd love to help. Message me, and I'll give you my personal e-mail and cell number, so we can text. Stay strong girls, keeping Thin.]

Friday, September 18, 2009

Bones are Clean and Pure

I messed up big time this morning - I ate saltines. Eight whole saltines. I was doing so good with the fasting until dinner, but I messed up. Screw. I feel like being sick. I refuse to eat any more today until I have to at dinner - 181 calories. I work off over 600 at the gym every day, so I'm not worried about that so much, but it bothers me.
I know I shouldn't complain, but I've lost like 3-4 pounds in the last week and now I'm eating salty foods? What am I thinking? Damnit. All I know is that this won't happen again. No more slip-ups. I just won't allow it. Not now, not now that I know what I want or now that I know I can do this.
On another note, it's Friday September 18, which is good, because after school today, I'm going to the gym for a couple of hours and I was going to go to the big rivalry football game, but since its looking as though it may rain all day, I'm definitely not going anymore. I might just chill with some friends - which is hard to avoid eating when they're all super skinny and always eating. Bitches can't get weight with those amazing metabolisms. I feel like any time I spend with them, I should really be spending running or riding my bike.
Finally I'm down to 148.4 - and I don't plan on having any weight back on me when I check the scale in the morning - I can't chance it. I'm skipping dinner, and just spending 3 or so hours at the gym.
I'm tired of trying to act like I'm comfortable in my own skin - all 3 billion pounds of it. I plan on enjoying all my time at the gym for as long as possible. Eating enough to get by, and nothing more. Listening to music to inspire me. The music that inspires the best of us and the worst of us.
And on that note, I need to get back to French class - partner project due today. Boo. At least it keeps me from eating. (:

Love Thin. Be Thin. Live Thin.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Who's in control now?

This was supposed to be my first post - Better late than never! Followed by my post for today. (:

Alright, so my name's Emerson and I'm beginning my Ana Quest today. I'm starting at 16 years old, 5'2 and 149 pounds. I've tried so many different diets and nothing's working. I happened upon a girl's blog a few days ago, and ever since I've been obsessed with reading about her and her own journey with Ana. Ana will become my best friend, my only friend if need be. I'm determined to be thin. I'm determined to be beautiful. I don't think it will take long. I've already been fasting for two days, that's two pounds down! It's exciting. I used to think that maybe this was a bad idea, not eating, but I've felt so much better recently. And I've started back up at the gym I used to go to when I was in cheerleading. My highest weight is 163, and for my height, that is obese. It made me sick, so I finally did something and lost the weight, even though it took forever, and I'm no longer in the obese area. My initial choice for my final and hopeful weight was 135, but now that I think about it, I just want that to be the first step. Maybe the second step if need be, but definitely not the final weight. I want to be thin, and the hell if I'll let anyone or anything get in my way. I've never been one who wrote things down, but then again, I probably need this in order to keep track of how I'm doing. I will no longer sit around and mope about how fat I am. I'm doing something, and I won't stop until I get my results. Remember what Kat said, the need to be thin is great, but the need to be thin and beautiful is greater. No do it, and don't even think for a moment you're anywhere near skinny. You're fat and you know it. So get off your ass and do something else.

Gym - worked off upwards of 610 calories. Dinner - 181 calories. I think I've done well. I ate the same thing last night, with a tiny slip with some dry cereal (I don't even want to know the calories) but then I went for a bike ride, so I'm sure I worked it off.

My parents are glad I'm finally doing something for myself. I don't think I understood before now that if I was going to do something about my weight, I had to do it myself. I know this way seems awfully extreme, but you have to understand that I've been having trouble with my weight since I was in the eighth grade, and even though that was just a couple of years ago, it's been a long couple of years.
When reading Kat's blog, I find more and more about this girl that impresses me. Her determination and strength is beyond anyone's I've ever seen. Beyond my own, for sure. I realize I'm only a year and some months younger than she is, but even now, being as mature and strong minded as I am, I've never showed the kind of raw determination I read about when I check her blog. It's good to know how strongly she feels about it, because it's good to know someone else cares about weight loss as much as I do. While I will learn from reading her mistakes, I won't tell my family and friends about what I'm up to. I know better than to get anyone involved, whether they end up being over-concerned and constantly questioning me, or they go and tell my parents or some other adults on me, I can't let that happen. I've been through so much. I'm already OCD and bi-polar and the idea of me having an ED would blow my parents minds and possibly our worlds up. I know people will think what I'm doing is extreme, but don't we all find something in our lives to obsess over? Whether it's our hair, our faces, our clothes or our popularity. We all do it. I just happen to be one of the ones who obsesses over weight, and while people might find me weird for that, I can't help it. It's part of who I am, and I can't do anything to change it.
Like Kat, I need to find a pro-Ana texting buddy to help me get through the day. While I've done well on my own the past two days, I have a feeling things may get harder down the road. I'll have to look into this soon, possibly later tonight. I have so much homework to do, and I love it. Homework is just my ticket to stay upstairs in my room, work on my homework until I get too tired to go back downstairs, or if I'm still good and energized, it leaves me time to go for a run or bike ride, or maybe even do some of those fun workout vids I bought recently. And let me tell you, they work! I mean, I seriously can already see a difference in my waist and shoulders. It's a miracle. It's just not enough. A little bit is never enough - I just wish I had thought about that before I went and told my mom about my problems when I was in the eighth grade; before I was sent to that doctor because I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks; before my mom realized how messed up I was. Yeah, I'm a relapse. And damn proud.

Think Thin. Thinspration, love.

Again, I should add some things about myself. I'm vegetarian, so I'm not really into heavy foods to begin with, so it's not like fasting is really that big of a deal - yet. Eventually going a couple days with food might start to get to me, but until then - I need to stay strong, so I'll need some serious support. I sound so dramatic, but any of you out there who were just starting out, I'm sure you felt the same way. And a reminder to all of you out there still struggling day to day with Ana; she's worth it, so don't give up on her. She'll be your best friend and help you to become beautiful. Thin is beautiful. Thin is being able to love yourself - body and mind. Thin is what I strive to be. Tomorrow will be day three with only eating 181 calories. Wish me luck, dolls.


Today, (:

Today won't be hard. I've already decided. I was down another lb when I stepped up on the scale this morning. It's now about 1:50 and I'm in APUSH. I haven't been hungry today, mainly because I've been drinking my Gatorade (110), and haven't had anything to eat!
Over and over today I've thought the same thing: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I finally think I'm beginning to understand it. Ha.
I got sidetracked in APUSH, and now I'm at home eating dinner. I have exactly one salad (Lettuce and 1/2 oz of cheese) and broccoli and cauliflower grilled (with a little bit of salt, I'll regret that one tomorrow).
I went to the gym and worked off over 650 calories, and I only had 110 calories throughout the day, up until this dinner, but it's only like 181 calories, and I'll run it off later when I feel stronger. Starving is one of the best feelings ever, I didn't even feel hungry today. I'm not, but mom will start wondering why I'm not eating dinner, and while many girls can get away with hiding things from their moms, my mom - well she's just too quick for that.
I weighed myself (obsessed much) at the gym and I'm another pound less than I was when I started this blog this morning! It's amazing. I don't know what I'll do if anything happens and I can't feel hungry anymore - it's just so good.

And now I have another incentive to look amazing (thin)! Yeah, that's right. A new boy. He's so sweet too. I mean, he's not like all the other guys who like me for who I am. He likes that I care about the way I look. He's super skinny, so he should care if he's seen with a fat girl! But anyways, I'm so excited. I'm thinking about the fact that he brought up Prom - and I know Prom is months away, but I wouldn't want anyone but him to take me! He's just that amazing, and did I mention how thin he is? My God, it's crazy how much this boy can eat and not gain anything. I'd hate him if I didn't have a huge crush on him! Anyways, I'm working on homework for now. Thinking of how much I hate food and loving how I'm in control now! Let me know if you have any good ideas to keep my mind off of food while I'm at school, (:

Think Thin, Look thin, Live thin.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Never good enough

"She tries harder than the average teen." Rachel Ferguson.

I decided that now was the time to relapse. I need this. I need this. I need this. I need to be thin. I hate my reflection. I want something to change. So, Ana. Welcome back.

HW: 163
WATM: 150
NW: 125

I'll need support. A lot of it. I have to do this, but I can't do it alone.

Think Thin, Think Thin, Think Thin.