Weight Listed.

I'm at 141, since this whole thing started, I lost over 5 pounds. I'd be happy if I knew it was something I was doing on my own, without all the stress. I know it's just because of being emotionally drained and far from being attached to food, despite the depression. Still no word about my friend. He's in the hospital, but his parents haven't called me or my friends to let us know what's up. I don't know how much more silence from them I can take. They must not know how much we're struggling with this.
I talked to the guy I lost my virginity to for the first time in months today. I thought I could handle it, but he's just hurt me so bad, I ended up crying and just feeling worse about basically everything. I was lonely, and when this guy I used to hook up with texted me, I said I'd hang with him., I shouldn't have. I did, but I know it was wrong. Especially considering I'm talking to this really sweet new guy…






I'm just messed up all around. I don't know what help there is for me.

Suicide.

One of my very best friends tried to committ suicide on this past Wednsday.
I'm not sure how I'm even functioning.
I've lost weight. I'm not even proud of it though. I have no desire to eat without
knowing what went wrong.

I'm just trying to explain my absence, and I don't know when I'll be back.
Stay strong girls, and always know that even if everything gets completely
and unbelievably difficult, there are ways to cope. Life is so worth living.


Goodnight sweets. <3>

"It's a hole in the wall, it's a dirty free for all."

I partied way too much this weekend. I mean, I love it, don't get me wrong, but

still. It was a bit much. I didn't gain any weight though, so I think it was alright.

I'm starting my whole life over today, just so you know. I just need to make some

changes, not with Ana, but with the other aspects of my life. I'll need some help

though, so that means I need support.

I know we support each other with Ana, but it would mean a lot to me if everyone

would support me right now, given I'm still fighting to stay with Ana, and making

outside changes.

I'm actually about to go hang out with my friends - you know, the intellectual

ones, and I'm so looking forward to it.

Do good today, my pretties. <3

Life goes on.

I had a fun night tonight. I think this good feeling should last. My

fast was broken tonight - I ate part of a salted pretzel thanks to my friend

Jamie. He's so cute, and he didn't want to eat it all, or waste it, so I ate some.

It's out of my system now, but I still feel bad about it. Otherwise, I feel

amazing. I'm just so glad I have control over things now. So, I'm starting another

fast tomorrow! It's exciting, I love going so long on fasts. (:

Get it girls. <3

Trial and Error.

So, I have a couple of questions for you Ana girls. To begin with:
Do you have a set religion?
Why did you choose Ana to be your best friend?
Was the reason something to do with any of the following;
An escape into a different world.
A matter of personal trauma.
To feel heard.
To have the feeling someone else is going through the same things.
Find friends.
Reality check.
I'm not sure why I'm asking, to be honest. I guess I just wanted to know, so I could get to know other perspectives than my own. Let me be perfectly clear - my life is in no way perfect, but my family life is amazing. I'm super close to my mom. My dad's a great man, a real man. He knows life and everything about it. My sisters, well they understand me better than my parents, but they’re also the least similar to me in every way. They're both beautiful and thin. I've always been jealous of my oldest sister, but at least I'm told I look just like her. She's beautiful, not in the conventional cookie-cutter way, but in the way that makes you do double takes, maybe even triple takes, just to prove she's real.
I'm not unhappy. I'm sure of myself. Self-confidence is something I have never lacked in. It makes me wonder why I chose to blog my ideals and trials with Ana. I think it's a mixture of a lot of things, but I think I might be able to work out the reasoning even better if I had an idea of what others felt on the subject.
I've been with that same group of friends tonight, and they really remind me how smart I am. I love being able to speak with intellectual people rather than the people I hang out with normally. I always feel so much smarter than most people, but these kids, they keep me grounded. I can only hope that you all have people like you that you can share intense, almost life-changing conversations with. I don't know what I would do without them - yeah, they're that amazing. They've turned me onto some simply amazing things lately, especially books. I'm a lover of reading literature. I forget that sometimes, but lately, it's just become more apparent to me, and everyone else.
I think a lot about religion. I'm catholic, if I haven't ever presented that tidbit of information to you all. I grew up a strict catholic, a huge believer in the faith, but lately I've questioned it a lot. I'm not saying I don't believe in God anymore, don't get me wrong. I just came to realize lately that there is a lot of unexplained things in the world I want to understand better. The friends I'm always with, they're all agnostic. So, that might be one of the reasons I've thought so much on the topic lately. Honestly, I'm such a science person. I like to have substantial evidence of most everything, and I can't find anything hardcore on whether or not God exists. I don't think I could ever believe in blind-Faith ever again after the conversations I've had recently.
I also think there is a lot of things, controversial things, that I would love the explanations to. I don't think we ever went to the moon, basically because I've seen the film of the so called "trip to the moon" and things in it just don't make sense: The moon rotates, but the background of the film doesn't change. There is no wind on the moon, but the flag waves. You know, it just doesn't work. I can't believe in it. I think the biggest thing that bothers me about the whole God thing, is that I could never tell my mom I wasn't sure about Him. I would love to be able to just see everything the way most people do, but unfortunately, I'm not sure how to anymore. I even went to Catholic school growing up, and I still don't know why I could believe everything I heard so easily growing up. I guess it was just the influence of religion so young, being brainwashed. I think that's wrong. I just don't know what I could ever do about it, or whether or not I could do anything about it.
I need to find something I believe in. I'm just having a lot of trouble. I wish I could say that everything was as simple as so many people do, but what if they're wrong? What's wrong with questioning your beliefs every now and then. Someone very wise once said that maturity is shown when you are constantly questioning your beliefs and constantly changing your opinion. Otherwise, you'll stay in your ignorance forever. I don't want to be ignorant. I may be wrong about things, but it's what I believe, and it shouldn't have to be looked down upon. I would never force my views on anyone, but I do love a good debate and I think you can't really win a debate. If it's your opinion, it can't be wrong. Opinions are neither wrong nor right, so who's to say anyone has the right to judge you for it?
Alright, so I'm getting way too philosophical right now, so change of subject. I'm doing well on the fast. I had to break it for a few hours today since the parents were home, but I chucked it all back up, so I'm not worried. I'm right back on track, and it was the only mess up in like, 15 days, so I would say I'm doing just fine.
Well, good luck to all of you out there, and just know, I believe in you. <3

Monster.

Today's going to be a better day. It has to be.

Weight today: 143.4. Better than yesterday, still not losing quickly enough.

Self-Discover.

I think I'm going to embrace a new concept on life. Live it for me, and no one else. I'm sick of always wondering what other people think of me, I mean, it's my life and I should be able to live it the way I want to, right? That would be correct, as I answer my own question. I'm one of those weird girls who sits around thinking to herself everything in the world that I happen to hear talked about, and it just makes things seem more real to me. I don't get impatient with myself like I do with other people. I'm just happier knowing I know my own mind, rather than being one of those silly girls who follow someone else. I mean, seriously. Give me a freaking break, I know it's hard to do stuff by yourself sometimes, but everyone really needs to figure out who they are. Learning that the only person you can rely on, is yourself, is just about the best thing in the world to understand. I stopped relying on other people a long time ago, and for good reasons. I'm sick of everything in my life being based on what other people expect of me, rather than what I expect of myself.
On the Ana front, I'm down 2 more pounds. I need to start updating the other parts of my blog to show the loss, but I haven't had much time to do anything but a quick post. Venting, I suppose. And again, I'd like to say how much I appreciate comments. They help me out, more than anyone of you can ever know.


Stay strong ladies. <3

'I'm sick of living on False Hopes.'

Ever wonder who you're going to be when you grow up? Ever think about if Ana will still be an integral part of your life? I do, and I know right now she will be. She's my best friend. The one who understands me, even when I don't fully understand myself. It's a relief really, knowing she's looking out for me. I don't know what I would do without her. I mean, I honestly can't imagine what my life would have been like if she hadn't walked into my life and taken control. I would just be another blind, idiotic girl who thought people cared about me no matter how I look. I was thinking about it, as I was smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee at Waffle House, which is like my second home now, and I realized I don't have many friends like Ana. No one who pushes me to be a better person, to look like a better person. I realize I'm not that old, seventeen sure makes me feel old though. I was also considering how things have changed since I found Ana.
At one point in my life, I would have been just like any other teenage girl, filled with the usual teenage angst that comes along, dealing with nothing bigger than who I'm dating and how much I like the person. I just didn't know before Ana that I don't truly like people at all. I love my individual time. I'm no loner, by any means, I have plenty of friends, but I don't know if they're real friends. I'm ashamed to say it, but it's true. And not to sound vain, because apparently I'm not, but I'm a pretty girl. I'm told all the time that I am, but I would much rather be the skinny girl, than the pretty girl. That's the total opposite of what I felt before Ana. I owe everything to her.
Things in my life have never been more difficult to deal with as they are now, but I feel at peace knowing Ana has my back. She wants me to succeed in the one thing I really care about. Being thin. It's probably sick to most people who would read this blog and think I'm just another 'sick' girl…another lost soul who doesn't know the true meaning of life and being happy. Well, they're wrong. Seriously. I don't know about anyone else, but I'll be happy when I'm skinny and have a better love life. That's probably not the best way to explain it, but it's how it is. I want to be able to have fun with guys without worrying about if I'm crushing them beneath me. Another thing, I've been thinking about the guy I messed things up with by having sex with him. I've been thinking about it almost non-stop since it happened. I'm hurt, yeah sure. Whatevs. The fact of the matter is that I shouldn’t care. He hurt me, betrayed my trust, lost my trust, lost me. I don't know what more I could do for him. I gave him the only thing I was holding onto harder than Ana, and he screwed me over. He shouldn't mean anything to me. Yet, the fact of that matter altogether is that I do care. I suck. I guess it's normal, but I thought I meant a little to him. After all, we were really close, but he fucked up. His loss. I'd like to try something out on you guys, anyone who reads this entry anyways…I'm going to start writing a note to him, and tell me if you think I should send it or not, I'd love some advice on how to handle this, here goes.
Dear Jackass,
I gave you the best of me. I gave you my trust. I have you my heart. I gave you my virginity. I thought I was giving you everything you'd ever want. I was wrong. You slept with me, used me and now I feel dirty, filthy, all the time. I can't talk to a guy without wondering if they would have done the same thing you did to me. I never want to be with a guy again, thanks to you. I want to be able to open up to someone, but you've fucked me up. I don't know if I'll recover from this anytime soon. I relied on you. I trusted you. You even knew I wanted to wait. Maybe not until I was married, but at least until I was ready. I gave in to you. Do you even want to know why? I wanted to give you something no one else had. Everything. I guess I'm not important enough for you. I guess I never was important to you at all. "I guess there's just this weird attraction between us. There always has been, maybe it was supposed to be this way. I'll always find you attractive, I guess." That's what you said to me the first time we made out. We should have stopped then, but no. I gave up more than just that for you. I gave you my time. Time wasted, when I could have been happy with someone who actually cared. I held onto the idea maybe we'd be something more. That's why I cheated on Matt with you. I fucking made mistake after mistake with you. You said it'd be okay, "you just don't like him enough to not cheat on him." Lies. I liked him big time, but I hadn't gotten over you. I don't think I ever will. Who's fault is that? Mine, I can't even blame you for it. I'm tired of wondering what I did wrong. I don't need an answer. Your silence is enough for me. Please never look at me again. I don't need the stress or your apologies. Although, you're not the apology type, are you?

What do you think? Too much, maybe? I don't know. I think it sounds fabu. I'm being a bit of a bitch right now, but if you only understood. He ruined everything for me, when I finally thought I had things on track. Did I ever mention he was the reason I became Ana in the first place? I wasn't even fat back then. After we kept having problems, I would binge, purge, but I'd gain immense amounts of weight. That jerk has no idea his effect on me. A million times I've told myself he's not worth the stress, but I've always fallen back on it. I promise myself to ignore him, but when he seems so innocent and everything, I just cave. I need to stop doing that, already.
I'd just like to say that I really love reading everyone's blogs. During class, when I'm sitting looking at Thinspration, it gets kind of old, so when I check out the blogs, I feel at home. It's a nice feeling knowing that I'm not alone out there. That there are other girls fighting for the image they want. It makes me happy, especially when I'm not feeling fantastic.
I'm sick of the people at my school who think they know everything. They don't know anything if they think they know everything. People need to realize that if you think you know everything, you don't. The ones, like myself, who realized a long time ago that I don't know everything understand that there is so much out there that we don't understand. Like, how a guy can hurt a girl so much. Or how a girl can put herself through so much all because of a simple comment or nasty look. People just don't realize how serious body language is. It lies to you, remember that and you'll stay on the right side of the line between truth and lies. I've decided that while I don't need friends, I will keep the ones I have until I leave for college, after senior year. I really wish I had doubled up so I could finish this year, but I thought I might want to stay around. I was wrong, apparently.
Back on the topic of the jerk, I don't understand why I haven't been able to move on. It's like, I've always believed strongly in the fact that everything happens for a reason, and that life's what you make it, but I can't help thinking that I'm making life suck for myself by not moving on…
I don't know. I'm resolving to move on. It might take some time, but I think I'm strong enough to do it. I've been strong enough not to eat for 10 days, so I think I can handle some asshole guy hurting me. I'm sure I can, actually. It wouldn't be the first time I got over him hurting me anyways. The worst part of this whole thing is that he's the only boy who's ever really hurt me. He's the only one I've ever allowed to hurt me. It's like what Eleanor Roosevelt said, " No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." He's the only one I through my consent away for. I made that mistake once, it will never happen again. I hope. Well, I'm through feeling sorry for myself. And I just want to remind everyone that no matter what anyone does to you, you can figure out a way to move above it all. You don't need those people who talk down or look down to you, you're both special and beautiful, even if you don't think so. Never let anyone make you feel the way I've felt. No girl deserves that.

And I've also forgotten to mention, today is day 11 of the fast, and I'm down another 2 pounds. (:

Good luck, think thin, be thin, live thin. <3>

'Diet'

Definitely the best thing for me. I don't know how I'd make it through the day without coffee and cigarettes. <3



Stay Strong today ladies. (:

'Mama said there'd be days like this...'

So, day nine of my fast. I don't feel quite as sick anymore. It's actually starting to make me feel normal again, thankfully. I don't know how much more of the 'being sick' I could possibly take. Considering I was seriously sick, it's good to be getting better. At least I'll be able to control my eating without any choice at all. Which, is kind of dumb when I think about it, but I'm super controlling, so I guess it isn't that weird. I guess I'm just not in the mood to have something else judge whether or not I can eat, but me. I think this week is going to be okay. I have exams, like I've already pointed out in latter postings, but I'm finally starting to feel like I'll be alright with this. I can use a cheat sheet for one of them, and it's the only one I was worried about. (:
After school yesterday, I went and hung out with some friends. Let's call them Ash, Trish and Eric. I'm using fake names for them, just for their own privacy. Anyways, so we all went to Waffle House to get some coffee and smoke. It was fantastic, and considering how often I go get coffee and just sit in the re to smoke, that's saying something. After we finished up there, Trish and I headed to this spot in my neighborhood where we usually go and park and we walked along the dirt road behind houses just smoking and enjoying silence. She's a lot like me, but then again, she's absolutely nothing like me. While I'm brunette, have hazel eyes, a bigger body, and style (ha) she's a red head, has blue eyes, a bit thinner than me, and she's kind of just awkward - that's being polite. But damn if the girl isn't smart, and that's one of the main reasons I enjoy her company. Everyone else I hang out with is either lame in the way they're too preppy for me, or they talk too much shit about people. She's not like that - she's much more mature, like myself. Thank God. I'd probably go crazy without at least one person trying to keep me sane. And luckily, she's in my AP and Honors classes, so I'm not the only smart one in there, either. (:
I don't know for sure when I'll complete this fast. I'm not getting hungry, but I'm also not getting very thirsty, so I think I'll up the work outs and create a reason to keep drinking. And I'm wondering if anyone out there does anything different diet wise. I understand fasting, and restricting, but is there anything in particular someone can do to lose the pounds quicker? Like, a certain food they only eat or something like that? Since my mom's starting to worry about me not eating, I don't know how much longer I can keep it up, and I don't want to start eating until I have an idea about what I SHOULD be eating compared to what I think I should be eating.
I'm obsessed with coffee and cigarettes. I haven't gone a whole day without having both of them since I started drinking coffee over the summer. Before I'd just make it through the day with the cigarettes, but now I need them both or I'm in a bad mood all the time. It's weird, but that's how obsession works, I suppose. I'm guessing I'm not the only one who drinks it, but I love how it makes me feel as though I don't need food, which is why it goes so well with cigarettes and weed, because it keeps down cravings amazingly.
My jeans are starting to feel less tight, lucky for me. I mean, I usually get the right size, but the ones I got that were smaller than needed, for inspiration to lose the weight, are fitting better. Much better. I've only been back with Ana for a couple weeks. I think this time I can really get focused. Considering how much I partied and smoked over the Christmas break and how much I've been sick, I don't think I have to worry about gaining any weight anytime soon.
Mom asked me if I'm planning on going to the prom this year - I suppose I am, but I don't know who I'll go with. I don't really want to go with a group, but I'd prefer a group to going solo, but then again I don't know how much I want just a date, you know? It's all so confusing. I'll have to start dating again, because I don't want to go to prom and have my date expect things from me he hasn't earned, and I don't do things with boys I don't know. I wouldn't plan on having sex, or anything, but come on. Prom to boys is just another way to get in a girls pants. Everyone knows that. I'm no good at dating though. I'm what they call a recycler. Ha, it's pathetic. I'm forever breaking up with, and then getting back together with guys I've dated a thousand times. It's not so bad, since we can usually get right back into the whole dating scene without the awkward first date and first kiss, but it's never the same after that first date and first kiss, you know? I like the excitement and the butterflies that come with dating, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for it right now. I would love to be, sure, but what about if he found out about this blog and my condition? What if he didn't want me after that? What if he tried to 'fix' me? I just couldn't handle any of that. And, with my luck he would find out almost immediately about this. Or, weirder, he might actually already know about the blog. Ha, yeah right. Not a chance. (:
I'm just spacing, I suppose. I can't keep on topic this morning, probably because I'm listening to music at the same time as typing. I'm in class, which is why I've got to much free time. We have nothing to do thanks to the exams, but it's all good. I was actually lame enough yesterday to go on Barnes and Noble.com and order a book during this class. I got the e-mail this morning saying it's been shipped. Ha. Maybe I should have given them the school address, seeing as how I bought it while in school…but there would be questions from the school, and that's just not worth it.
I've been listening to 90's music so much lately, it's weird. I mean, it's crazy how I remember almost ever song I hear, just because I never considered that I would ever remember them, and actually doing it is beyond insane. A couple indie bands I love have been doing whole records remaking 90's music, and omg it's amazing. I can't get enough of it. I can't even explain it. All the teenage angst music of today compared to the music we grew up with is just so different, I almost feel free when I listen to it. Takes me back to easier times, not worrying about guys, or anything except for how I looked - and pathetically enough, I haven't changed on that issue. Don't get me wrong, I should care how I look, since other people do, but I want to care because of ME, not because I'm trying to impress others.

Sorry, this has been a sappy post, but it's all good. Get it girl, get it, get it, girls. <3

'Careless Whisper'

Today's the first day back from break. Ugh, so not looking forward to exams this week, but it's just going to help me with Ana, so I'm all for it. (: So, it's been a week since my last food travesty. I tried eating, but because I've been drinking and smoking so much, but body won't let me eat, and I can barely keep down drink without feeling like I'll be sick. Oh well, it's helped so more. Down 4 more, so it's definitely worth it in my eyes. I just wish I didn't feel so nasty all the time. Hopefully I'll be in more control and just choose not to eat by the end of this week. Either that, or my mom's going to make me go see a doctor. I keep telling her I don't feel good - but she's all like, "maybe you should try eating again" but I don't feel like getting sick, again. I mean damn. I spent the late morning of New Year's hugging Johnny, so yeah. I think I'm good for another year with the whole throw up thing. Ha. Anyways, with exams stressing me, I haven't even considered starting to worry about next semester, but I guess I should. I have all four core classes. It basically sucks, but I chose to double up on science this year, so it's my own damn fault.
I'm so lucky to have a new texting buddy. I still text with some old ones, but this new one is fabu. Same age, same issues. It's definitely going to work out. And btw, my title does indeed represent that song 'Careless Whisper' by George Michaels. It's pathetic, but it's catchy and makes me feel better. I don't know why, it's not even a happy song. Ha. Anyways…

-----------------------------------------------------> <----------------------------------------

I need to get centered again. I guess this break was a good thing, and it came up at the perfect time. I wasn't home like, any of the time, so I didn't have my mom around to pressure me into eating every hour. Ha, I mean she's never tried to feed me that much, but you get the point. I'm just ready to have school over with, for real. On the real, I'm ready for summer. I plan to be at least 20 pounds lighter, and be able to keep it off, maybe even more. I mean, I can lose it super fast, but the problem is getting my body to keep it gone. Which, I'm sure other people have issues with too. Oh, and everyone, fantastic revelation! Rap music makes you not want to eat. As long as you find music that's dance-worthy, you'll stay thirsty maybe, but sure as hell you won't be hungry if you feel like dancing. Try it out, and I promise you, it'll work. (:


Well, I'm chill for now on this…so I'll post later. Good luck kids. <3

"Not Even Slightly Impressed"

My New Years Resolution: Drink & Don't Let Anyone Ruin Your Good Time. And it was hella chill, btw. I had a great time, and for the week leading up to last night, I haven't eaten a thing - and this morning when I weighed in, I was down at least 4 pounds. Thank the lord. I wasn't thinking, "Oh I won't lose anything." Because I knew I would, especially considering the fact I over-drank night before last and threw up any and everything I had had to drink…
I'm way proud of myself. I didn't sleep around with anyone while I was at the party New Year's. I almost did, supposedly but I was not even slightly impressed by anyone there. Sure, I kissed a bunch of guys when midnight came around, just because everyone was going around in a circle and thought it funny, but I didn't find anyone I was super into. Which, isn't much of a shock considering I don't know what I want in a guy anymore.
I've been feeling sick as hell lately. I mean, I can't eat - and although that's a great thing for me - I miss when I have the choice to eat and I choose not to, at the moment I have no choice and I feel like it's my body trying to tell me something. It's not the best feeling in the world, but I'll deal. I just hate being sick.
I'm considering doing some New Year's clothes shopping today - but I don't know if I'm really in the mood right now. I mean, other than feeling sick, I'm still hung over, and I got way high night before last and last night, so I'm feeling kind of sick in that way too. No lies, it was completely worth it, but still.
Now, I've decided I need another New Years Resolution that doesn't have anything to do with the one I've already achieved. Maybe I should Resolve to become more engrossed in Ana? But see, that idea, while it's commendable, isn't for me. I could Resolve to try be a nicer person, maybe focus on making new friends? But see, that idea, which commendable, is stupid considering how much I don't like the people I'm already friends with or anyone else from my hell hole of a school. See - I'm just having too much trouble figuring this out, which is probably why I can never keep up with my Resolutions. It's like my friend said New Years Night : "Life's temporary; like New Years Resolutions." She's a prophet. Ha. (:
And now, considering the fact that I've lost almost my normal 2 day weight loss in under 2 days, I think I may be able to relax today. I mean, I want to go shopping, just grab some non-descript shirts and sweaters, and then maybe I'll hit my gym this afternoon, who knows. It seems like my newer posts are much shorter than the original ones, but when I have more time, I'll make it up to everyone.


Wish my luck kids. <3