Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Everchanging & Unsure.

We talked; kind of. I went to his house and we hung out; kind of. I wanted to jump him; but I didn't. I'm glad I didn't too. I think that would have made things awkward. We've decided we're going to talk about dating, eventually. I don't know when, I guess the next time we're alone, which I don't know when that will be, but we will, and I have a feeling it's not going to happen. I won't even mind now. I mean, I want to date him, but I wouldn't work out as a good girlfriend for him anyways, with all the problems I have, and I would never want to push him into something he's not ready for. I did tell him one day that I would like him to know that even if he chose to date a girl, I would be okay with him. And he said what about me? As in, he could date me. But we both know, deep down it won't work. And even though the attempt might seem worth it now, I have a feeling I would be upset if I lost him even as a friend because of a stupid decision on my part. He's a great guy, he really is, but I can't lose myself in this fight over whether or not I should or shouldn't try harder to make things work. I just don't have the strength anymore.

I'm not going to bring up the idea of making it work with him again. I just can't deal with it. I feel like I'm either wasting my time or being rejected by being put off over and over. "We'll talk about it in person." It's total BS, and I'm getting tired of waiting for something more to come from it.
-----------------------------> <------------------------------------ It's been a couple of weeks since I started this entry, but I figure now is as good time as any to continue it. Spiderman and I have been through a shake up. He decided we should just stay friends, and I was fine with that. Then he wouldn't respond to my texts or messages, so I went on Skype one day, like I usually do, looking for him to see what was up. The surprise I found awaiting me wasn't a good one. He had freaking kicked me out of the Skype room. My other friends who go in there (all his guy friends) told me they weren't sure what was up. I guess that would be because they didn't know we were "talking" or attempting to talk. I'm just pissed. So, I text him and told him I thought he was being immature about it. Because, I know he is being immature. A lot's gone down since then and he still ignores me. I've never had someone treat me that bad without a cause. He said he's pissed because apparently I offended him when we were talking and he decided we were just friends. I told him I never knew why I liked him - and I didn't mean that in a rude way. I was just being honest. I just liked everything about him, I guess. I never had just one concrete reason, and unfortunately he took it wrong. So, he's been ignoring me because he expects an apology, so I'm going to try and talk to him after school today when I go see my friend Rudy. He has a cast and is forcing me to draw something or other on it. Wish me luck kids.

Friday, April 9, 2010

I'll hate to see you go.

It's been a while since my last post. I've been busy trying to sort things out.
I guess I could explain, but it's a lot of bullshit mostly. Especially with this new guy
I've been seeing. Yeah, needless to say, as much as I love being around him and
feeling the need to be around him 24/7, things won't work out. He's going off to
college after the end of this summer, and even though he'll only be an hour away,
we both know things won't work.
I'm considering just stopping being his friend because everything is just too complex
and complicated with us. One minute he'll be calling me his "love" and the next we won't
even know what to say to each other. It's getting nerve-wracking, and I'm already
exhausted from him and it's only been a month.
I don't know what it is about him that keeps me going back to him, but apparently,
and his friend and my bestfriend both told me it's because he has "mad game" I mean,
who even believes in that shit, other than guys? Ah, I don't know. I'm trying not to
focus on it. Either way, he met another girl while at the beach this week - it's Spring
Break - and I guess he's interested in her, so I might as well just move on.
No matter how hard it's going to be for me.

On another note, I'm losing again. I've done pretty well, and I've had plenty of
inspiration - having to go to the beach and wear a bathing suit, knowing I'm not good
enough for this guy, knowing I'm not good enough for any guy at this point, the ciggs
are definitely a helper as well. I'll be down several pounds by the end of this SB. I'm
glad for it too. I'm tired of never feeling good enough.

I'll post again soon. I hope everyone's doing well. <3