Thursday, December 17, 2009

Get Over It.

I'm so over people thinking they have any right to say anything about the choices I make. I know I make mistakes, but HELLO ! They're my mistakes, and I can't grow unless I make them. What makes people think for a second that they have a right to judge me, when they don't know me, when they haven't TRIED to get to know me? I mean, seriously people. Don't be so idiotic all the time. Grow up. Do something actually productive. All you do when you try 'help' or try to 'understand' me is piss me off. No one has to understand my choices, which is really why they are exactly that, MY CHOICES. I guess I can understand the idea of helping someone, but I don't think I need help. I am the way I am, and just because someone thinks something's wrong with me doesn't mean there actually IS something wrong with me. I mean, what's so wrong with wanting to be prettier? Skinnier? Happier? I see absolutely nothing wrong with trying to make yourself better. I guess people like me go to some extremes, but there's nothing else that works, and I'm willing, more than anything to give up most everything in order to make myself better in the eyes of other people and in my own opinion. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I'm having an extremely good day. I popped three Triple C's this morning before school - I feel absolutely fan-freaking-tastic. I don't think I'd know what I would do without being able to take something in order to keep my mood up and happy. Things get so stressful sometimes, and what else can I do but help things along - especially since it's the only way I know how. I don't take them a lot, just on the occasion when I wake up in a bad mood, or if I have a feeling things won't go the way I want them to throughout the day - or even worse, on days I won't have cigarettes.
I'm basically psyched to get out of school. After today, our last full day, we only have the half day tomorrow and then we're off for vacation. I don't know what I would do if there was any more time between me and just doing my thing. I have so much I want to do over break - and I just hope I find all the time I need to do it. (:
So, the Fast isn't starting today - I was forced to eat a couple bites of chocolate cake today during French class - I was a judge for this cake contest. I think I might be sick though. I feel like I'll never eat again - which wouldn’t be a bad thing at all, you know? I just hope my stomach can still get rid of it when I feel the need soon. I'm in the middle of my teacher's Aide block, so I'm not doing anything but helping people out in the library today. It's pretty lame, I know. I do enjoy it most of the time though. I have a lot of free time, so if I forget to do homework, or really want to read a book - I'm right here, so there's no worries. I'm starting tomorrow, for sure though. I always like starting on even days anyways, so maybe this was a sign.
I'm deciding on what I want to get my friends for Christmas. I have no idea at the moment, so if anyone has any ideas for my GAY best friend (boy) and my girl best friend (red head), I'd appreciate it very much. And, they're both super preppy too. And they hate each other. Ha, otherwise they're just like everyone else. They used to be best friends too, until girl messed up and pissed off boy, so you know how that shit goes. Oh well, I still like them both, and I won't let their feelings for each other get in the way of me having the friends I want to have, digg? (:
I keep seeing girls come into the library who are absolutely disgusting to look at. They remind me why I hate to eat - they're quite large, but they don't seem to care that they are. People like that disgust me, it's just wrong to be okay with being huge. I wish that kind of thing didn't bother me, but on behalf of all Ana girls out there - I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that if they want to be fat, they should all just kill themselves already. At least have someone else kill them and put them out of their and MY misery, you know? Or do something to get skinny - anything's better than being that big. I guess they haven't got the memo…

That's all for now. I'll be back to catch everyone up on how this exciting day will end. Ha, later girls. Stay Strong and Think Thin! (:

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

"Broken and Confused..."

Ever wonder why things go the way they do? Yeah, me too. I've been questioning a lot lately which is kind of making me sick. I'm mostly questioning everything religion wise, which is insane, considering how tiring it makes me. I had a really long and serious discussion with my friend last night after this thing at school called a Thirst Lecture and it was about how different religions celebrate in Winter. So, it had us discussing religion and what we figured out was that religion is truly just another way for the government to control the masses. Maybe it's all fake. There was this movie, which is more like a documentary that my friend sent me about how fake religion truly is, and it makes me question things even further. I won't give examples, since this blog isn't usually about religion, but it's not helping me figure anything out - just makes me wonder why I'm always falling for the crap people tell us.
I've been keeping up with different blogs from my followers, and also the people I follow and I've got to say I'm not disappointed at all. I'm proud of everyone for keeping up with Ana and I'm glad everyone's doing good. We just all have to keep in mind that problems will definitely come along, but we have to move past them if we want to get to the point we need.
As for me, I'm not doing that great. Not in the whole, Ana thing, but basically because everything in my life is making me more and more stressed lately. It's not that I'm trying to stress, but with exams and everything, I'm wondering if maybe I should become Buddhist and try reach Nirvana, and possibly like, make myself not worry about it anymore.

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Yeah, so my school is having step team tryouts today. Can you say lame ? I'm not sure I've ever heard of anything so stupid. Especially considering all the wannabe black girls who are going to show up and probably make it, but only because they'll be the only ones to show. I don't understand how they can't just get it together and play a real sport. It's ridiculous. I used to think it might be fun to be on some sort of school dance team, but when I saw the turn out for it my freshman year, I just about peed myself and decided maybe it was for the best that dance was only a class you can take at school, rather than something that competes and represents the whole student body. It's embarrassing, I tell you. And this is also way off topic from what I was talking about. I just can't seem to keep my mind on the same subject for long periods of time. Is that a sign of ADD ? If it is, I definitely qualify to have it. Damn. I haven't blogged in so long, I feel like I'm losing my touch. This morning, during first block, my teacher decided we were going to watch a movie rather than take a test, which I didn't mind at all of course, and then it turned out that the movie was Julie and Julia, which just made me want to blog even more. I've missed it, but I've been so busy and stressed, I haven't had time to add anything new. I'm working on making time so that I can keep up with everybody because I feel absolutely and positively left out. Always getting notifications of everyone else's blog, and then I just don’t' put up anything new ? That's so wrong of me. Plus, I love the interaction of a blog. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not alone in the world out here. I'm looking forward to the holidays, and while I'm saying that, I'm also thinking to myself about how much I'm not. Of course, I want a car, but that's not really important at the moment, now is it ? What's important is keeping up with Ana and making a difference - a visible difference in my life. I've decided a Christmas Fast is in order. I'd appreciate the support and I'll support anyone who decides to join me in this challenge. I wouldn't ask anyone to do it with me, but if you offer…I wouldn’t feel so bad. Ha.
On another note - I've decided that maybe dating is a possibility again. With everything being so stressful, maybe a boy would be a good thing to have around, take some of the pressure off. As long as the guy knew from the start that I wasn't going to be playing games. I need a boy who respects me, but most of all one that respects my need to be alone most of the time. I'd like a boy I could have around me a lot, but also one I wouldn’t have to worry about constantly. I'm not saying I'd want some closed, but I'd like to know a guy who wouldn't go around doing stuff with all sorts of girls while he's got me with him. I know that doesn't make sense, but I don't share very well. Either he'd deal with the way things would have to be, or I can just find someone else. I don't need something serious, but I also would like a guy I could trust. Although, I'm sounding awfully hypocritical, considering the circumstances. And my need of all these things makes me wonder if I can even find a guy like that, especially since most of the good guys at my school, and even outside of the school, I've already dated, and recycled - so there aren't many choices without choosing a guy younger than me. Which I guess could be a good thing - they have less experience with the whole dating scene, and most guys who love to have an older girlfriend. Hm, I'll seriously consider this… I keep switching topics, but it's obviously what I'm good at. In case I've never mentioned it, I'm a girl with a whole lot of ideas - I read several books a day. I'm also quite fond of locking myself in my room, taking long walks in on cold winter nights just to think things over, and I have this crazy hunger for cigarettes every time I think about them. Which is something I shouldn't have just mentioned because now I feel as thought I REALLY need one. Which is ridiculous, but at the same time seems like a sign - a sign saying that I should probably stop smoking so much and find something else to be addicted to - and I've even considered what I could do instead of smoking; have lots and lots of innocent sex, become an alcoholic, chew gum incessantly, or even start collecting something or other - but alas, I like smoking too much to stop it. Ha. (:
Okay, so there's this guy who wants to fight me…which is hilarious, because I think I could totally take him. Ha, we've been at each other's throats for years, all because he's liked me and won't freaking admit it. Which, I kind of prefer that he didn't mention it, mostly because I don't feel the same, but the idea's still there. I'd like for us to be friends, but it seems like that will never happen since we never stop fighting - even through text messages. It's dank, but it should probably stop. He doesn't actually hurt my feelings, but at the same time, it bothers me. And then there's this other guy, who I've mentioned before, but there's so much to say about him, it's crazy. He's like, one of my very favorite people in the world, and I've dated him a couple of times in the past. It's just funny because his sister sent me a post on Facebook one day about how she thinks we should date again, and ever since I've felt myself actually considering it. I mean, it's not that I don't like him, because I do - a lot, actually. It's more the fact that he's tiny and I'm well, not. It's kind of sick of me to actually pay attention to that, but if you saw this boy, you'd know what I mean. I'm working on my problems, so I don't really want to bring him into my messed up mind, but at the same time, I feel like I'm being drawn to him, but I'm so not sure why.
And on that note, I'll take my leave for the time being. I'm just sitting in class as it is, and it appears I'm needed to do some shelving. Ha, right. Me doing work in this class - it's a crazy idea. Anyways, I hope everyone's doing okay, and I'd love for anyone up for it to join me in my Christmas Fast - It starts tomorrow, December 17th, 2009.

------> Stay Strong my Sweets. <3

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Closer to Christmas; :/

I know I shouldn’t complain about the upcoming Holiday, but things haven't been going so great lately. I seriously haven't gained anything, but I'm also still the same as the last time I blogged. I assume most of my readers think I'm dead, or just ignoring everything. Well, you're wrong. I've been keeping up with my own readers, so I've been able to see how well everyone else is doing. I can honestly say I'm impressed with many of my girls out there for staying strong and actually keeping up with their blogs. I look forward to reading everyone's blogs, no matter who it is.
By the way, I'd like to also just go ahead and let everyone know that the situation with my 'boy' is finally over and everything is actually getting better for me. I'm not 100 percent yet, but I'm getting there, I promise. I'm actually thinking that as long as I try and stay positive, things will get better and better, you know ? I made a promise recently. I'm getting back on track with Ana, even if it kills me.
Christmas this year, oh yeah. It's going to be tough. I won't want to eat, of course, but I'll be forced to, knowing my mother. She's obsessed with making sure I eat. I hate that about her. Maybe if I had like, a naturally fast metabolism, I'd be okay with it, but hello - I obviously don't. I'll just have to try my best to keep away from foods.
Okay, so for Christmas, I would die for a car. I mean, seriously. I'm seventeen freaking years old, and I still don't have my own car. Both my older sisters had their own cars by the time they were my age, and I still don't. It sucks, majorly. I'd absolutely love to get an SUV, especially if it's a Volvo, I'm absolutely obsessed with them! I don't really know what else I could have for Christmas that would make me happy other than a car, you know ?
I'm just sick of waiting for a car. I mean, I've been driving for a while now, and yet I still don't have a car that I can rely on at all times. I'm bored with the whole "Mom, can I borrow your car?" thing. I'm about ready to completely get out of this damn place I'm in, and yet without a car I can't go anywhere.

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It's raining today. Like, extremely crazy weather. I don't mind the cold so much, but the whole it's pouring rain is pissing me off. I'm in an actual good mood at the moment, and yet as soon as I think about the rain pouring, I get upset. It's weird. I usually love the rain, and yet today it seems different. Probably because it reminds me of how I can't cry anymore. That's another recent problem of mine. I was considering the whole boy situation the other day, and I figured out something important. I thought when he asked me to sleep with him, he felt something for me. I thought it was a sign that we were meant to be something more. Obviously, I was wrong. So, I was thinking about it and it hit me that I hadn't had a good cry in a while, so I thought "Hey! You need a good cry, so go find a good movie that can get you crying and enjoy it." Well, it didn't work. I even tried thinking of really sad things, but it didn't work either. I haven't been able to cry in months now, which is confusing to me.
Maybe I just need something worse to happen to me than ruining my life over this whole virginity thing. It's whatever. I need support, someone help me?

Stay Strong.