Friday, January 21, 2011


I woke up this morning with this amazing thought - I can do this. I'm still fluctuating between 130 and 132, but it's because of these damn constant binges. It's not like I WANT it to happen. It makes me super disappointed in myself that I can't control myself.
Starting today, however, I'm going to try this so-called GM diet. Or, better yet, I'm fasting today and attempting that diet starting tomorrow, since I don't currently have fruits with me - I'm in class.
On another note, I don't have my class at college today, so I'm going straight to work after I leave this hell-hole called High School. It won't be so bad today, at least. Did I mention I work with kids? Seeing their tiny bodies is so helpful. They're constantly questioning why I'm not eating though, which kind of makes me sad, but when they do it, I just tell them I already ate before I got there.
The women I work with thought for a while I was bulimic. It's kind of funny, because I am, but I went on this whole dramatic rage at work one day calling out the girl who said it because she heard me throwing up, and just lied and told them I was sick. I don't like lying to people, but I also don't want it getting back to my mom. I don't think she could handle it with me already being in therapy.
I'm ready for a change. I know everyone says that, but for the first time in a LONG time, I actually mean it. My psychiatrist said that he could see a "real change" in my progress when I went to see him yesterday. We'll see what my therapist says when I see her on Tuesday.
I'm not trying to do better because of the whole therapy thing. My mind is improving without the stresses of everything up until recently. The school schedule I had, the people I hung out with, the lack of sleep and so on, so forth. I guess I'm just trying to keep myself calm.
I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I'm bipolar. And I have OCD. And, they haven't figured out why I don't want to be checked out for the whole ADHD thing, and honestly - I don't want the stigma that comes with being ADHD. L0l. That sounds kind of weird, I know - but I've been hospitalized enough times to know that those kinds of people get shit for it all the time, and I'd prefer not to get that.
I miss being able to run. It's been damn near impossible around here lately due to the snow. Stupid state can't handle a little bit of snow. I hate the South. I hate America, to be honest. I want to get out of here so bad, but obviously, until I graduate high school and go to college, I won't be able to. As soon as I do though, I'm out of here. I'd bet a lot on it.
How about my boyfriend starting arguing with me the other night about why I won't let him read this blog. I have another one, that my real-life friends can read and it doesn't mention my eating habits, but he knows I have two and can't stand that I won't let him read it. I just know he won't like what it says. He also asked me, "What would you do if I found it anyways?" And I told him, "Break up with you." He can hate me for it, but I don't want him thinking about everything I'm going through while we're dating. That's more information than he needs to know, except he does know about the whole bulimia thing...he just doesn't know I don't want to stop...

I hope everyone who's still blogging updates soon. I love reading them during class! <3

Saturday, January 15, 2011

No chance, No way.

I want to be skinny. Please make me skinny.

I'm tired of living in the body of a fat girl. It's gross and I feel weighed down
thanks to all this excessive weight it has. Who can live like this? That's right - fat girls. I shouldn't be a fat girl though. I know I'm not meant to live like this. So,
what the fuck happened to me that made me get stuck this way?

I'm tired of ranting and bitching. I just need to do something about it. Starting tomorrow, no food anymore. Every three days I'll eat, but nothing more than that. And all I'll have is some sort of fruit or vegetable without any calories involved, and start taking fiber and protein pills.

We'll see how this works out. As for the rest of you, I really do miss seeing
your posts, but it seems a lot of you aren't posting anymore. What a shame.