I haven't been keeping up with this blog lately. I need to. I'll start by mentioning that I officially suck as of the last couple of days. I've binged like crazy, gained 4 pounds and am entirely sick of myself. I even skipped the gym yesterday and just went and freaking ate out with my gym buddy. So, neither of us doing so great. All I know is that, as of tomorrow, I'm for sure back on my FAST!
On another note, I'm starting to join more clubs in order to keep my mind off of the F word. I'll still have plenty of time to hit the gym, but I'll have less time to eat since all I'll worry about it working for club things, homework and working out! It's smart. And I'm considering getting a job…
We'll see if that works out for me. I'll keep you posted. (:
My birthday's next month. October 25. I'm not sure how much I'm looking forward to it. Don't get me wrong, I'll be glad to be 17, finally. But, I'm also not sure if I'm ready to keep getting older. That sounds dumb, yeah - I know. But, I want something different to happen.
Back to being upset with myself. My nails are bit down to the cue. It's nasty. I can't stop being nervous all the time. All I think about it food. And how fat I am. It's disgusting. I need help, like major help. Anyone who has any ideas, please speak to me. Help me through this.
Stay Strong. Think Thin. <3
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Fiber Challenge
I was so upset this morning! When I woke up and weighed myself, I was at 150! I was like, "What the hell? How did this happen?" Well, I went to the gym and worked out like mad crazy, and when I was about to leave I weighed myself again, I was at 147.2, and omg. I thought I was going to cry. Ha, in a good way! I kind of binged last night on some cheetos, you know? The hard kind? Ah, it was fantastic for that moment, but then I wanted to never eat again because I was so upset with myself. Considering that I lose more weight when I eat something with fiber, or drink something with fiber, I think it's okay for me to continue to eat, but only eat high fiber and very little of it.
Now! Any of you out there who are having trouble losing weight, listen to this. I understand how hard it is to be Ana, and sometimes you just feel like you have to eat. So I have an idea for any of you out there willing to forgo the idea of being Ana as only a disorder in which you do not eat. First you have to start eating; but not a lot. Every morning, since we all know breakfast is the most important meal of the day, you eat something full of fiber. I'm talking foods like:
§ Bananas
§ Fiber bars (FiberOne)
§ Cup of FiberOne cereal
That sort of thing. After you eat this, don't eat anything else for the rest of the day unless you eat negative calories such as lettuce, celery, broccoli, carrots, etc. You get what I mean. And while you work through this, drink mostly water or diet green tea throughout the day. And may I add that I've found that the best brand of diet green tea would have to be Lipton. It's simply perfect. The exact name for the drink is Diet Lipton Green Tea with Citrus. It helps you to go to the bathroom more often and you also get cleaned out. It's much healthier than drinking anything that isn't water. (Although, I'll admit I drink a little bit of G2 almost everyday!)
If you decide to try this, only try it for a week. If it does not show you some results before 5 days are up you should probably stop. Not everyone can use this. Some people, it may work, or it may cause a weight GAIN which none of us want. I think because I exercise so much, and have my body moving and my bowels (gross) moving so much throughout the day, I can lose the weight easily, plus I have a lot of weight to lose. Others who are somewhat closer to their goal weight should probably stick to not eating unless they just eat negative calories when they need to.
And once again, I have some questions. First, whenever you're out with your family and they know you haven't eaten during the day and you can't say you're sick and don't feel well, what kind of excuses could I use? Second, when my friends start to notice I'm losing weight, what do I tell them? And finally, if someone I know notices what's happening, like puts together the fact I never eat, wear a red bracelet and seem to be losing a lot of weight and they tell someone what they think, what do I do? Should I ignore them? Or should I try to make up excuses? I don't understand how I would work with it. The last time I dealt with Ana I didn't have to worry about any of this because no one really paid any attention to what I did because my weight was always fluctuating, but since I've kept most of this weight on a couple of years, people will surely notice a difference.
Well, if anyone decides to try the Fiber Challenge, let me know. Otherwise and in other news - Next week, beginning Monday I'm going to fast for a week. Anyone want to join me? (:
Keep Your Thoughts Thin, girls. <3
Now! Any of you out there who are having trouble losing weight, listen to this. I understand how hard it is to be Ana, and sometimes you just feel like you have to eat. So I have an idea for any of you out there willing to forgo the idea of being Ana as only a disorder in which you do not eat. First you have to start eating; but not a lot. Every morning, since we all know breakfast is the most important meal of the day, you eat something full of fiber. I'm talking foods like:
§ Bananas
§ Fiber bars (FiberOne)
§ Cup of FiberOne cereal
That sort of thing. After you eat this, don't eat anything else for the rest of the day unless you eat negative calories such as lettuce, celery, broccoli, carrots, etc. You get what I mean. And while you work through this, drink mostly water or diet green tea throughout the day. And may I add that I've found that the best brand of diet green tea would have to be Lipton. It's simply perfect. The exact name for the drink is Diet Lipton Green Tea with Citrus. It helps you to go to the bathroom more often and you also get cleaned out. It's much healthier than drinking anything that isn't water. (Although, I'll admit I drink a little bit of G2 almost everyday!)
If you decide to try this, only try it for a week. If it does not show you some results before 5 days are up you should probably stop. Not everyone can use this. Some people, it may work, or it may cause a weight GAIN which none of us want. I think because I exercise so much, and have my body moving and my bowels (gross) moving so much throughout the day, I can lose the weight easily, plus I have a lot of weight to lose. Others who are somewhat closer to their goal weight should probably stick to not eating unless they just eat negative calories when they need to.
And once again, I have some questions. First, whenever you're out with your family and they know you haven't eaten during the day and you can't say you're sick and don't feel well, what kind of excuses could I use? Second, when my friends start to notice I'm losing weight, what do I tell them? And finally, if someone I know notices what's happening, like puts together the fact I never eat, wear a red bracelet and seem to be losing a lot of weight and they tell someone what they think, what do I do? Should I ignore them? Or should I try to make up excuses? I don't understand how I would work with it. The last time I dealt with Ana I didn't have to worry about any of this because no one really paid any attention to what I did because my weight was always fluctuating, but since I've kept most of this weight on a couple of years, people will surely notice a difference.
Well, if anyone decides to try the Fiber Challenge, let me know. Otherwise and in other news - Next week, beginning Monday I'm going to fast for a week. Anyone want to join me? (:
Keep Your Thoughts Thin, girls. <3
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Spread The News
I didn't lose a single oz yesterday - I gained a lb. Not because I was eating too much, but I think the fact all I was doing yesterday was eating watery veggies for dinner and drinking water all throughout the day had something to do with it. I guess I just didn't have time for my body to get rid of it - remind me to not weight myself everyday like this. It's seriously an obsession that needs to stop. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not good enough to do this. I want the weight off, and want it off fast, but it's just taking too long. Although, I do suppose it's quicker than eating normal and working out - so, never mind. I'm sticking with it. (I feel like I just argued that with myself! Ha.)
In other news, I'm working harder than ever at the gym, and people are so noticing. I was at Carrabba's with my friend Matt the other day (because he's obsessed) and we were walking out when he yelled out to me to slow down, because I "walk too fast" and he caught up with me on the way to my car and was like, "You know that girl who works the to-go section?" and I was like, "Not personally, but I know who you're talking about. Why?" and he was like, "Oh nothing. She just asked if you were my girlfriend and I said no and she was like, 'Why not? She's beautiful.' and well, she's right."
I think I was in shock for a moment. He'd never said anything like that before. And I hadn't even eaten food when I was in there with him, so I think the glow he must see if all thanks to Ana. (: Anyways, it made me feel really good. I mean, it was amazing. I was high off of that compliment alone for like a week. It still makes me happy. And it's just one of those things that will help me to stay motivated and continue on with Ana.
I'm disgusted with myself for eating at all ever. I hate food right now. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting. It sucks. I'm tired of never approving of what I see in the mirror and only being able to see my weight.
And yesterday, at lunch my friend Stace was sitting across from me eating a box of chicken and nasty fries and a cup of lemonade (lord knows how many calories that is) and she would start laughing when she was eating, and I'm glad she's happy and all - but her face is getting fatter like it used to be. She used to weigh like more than me, but then she lost a lot of weight. I weigh 3 pounds more than her right now, but she's flat in the stomach while mine's still not quite there yet. My friend Brad's noticing her weight gain too. And it bothers both of us. We worry that she's going to go and gain all that weight back.
Honestly, sometimes I WANT her to gain it back. I want her to be fat. I want to be the skinny one. Not that I'm anywhere near being skinny yet, but skinnier* than she is. I'd say that I shouldn't feel this way, but why the hell should I not have some healthy competition with a friend? Ha, healthy. Funny word, that. But it's whatever. Either she is or she isn't getting fatter. All I know is that I will never be this weight again, as long as I live and breath and can do something about it.
I wish I had more time to blog today. I have so much to finish during this block alone (French 3) and then I have to get everything together for my APUSH class this afternoon. Blah.
And Q: Does anyone know what I can do to help myself lose more weight, other than fasting, exercising, and taking dietary supplements?
And Q: How many calories add up to a pound?
Well, I have stuff to do, so I guess I'll get to it. And remember: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."
Salut ma petites. <3
In other news, I'm working harder than ever at the gym, and people are so noticing. I was at Carrabba's with my friend Matt the other day (because he's obsessed) and we were walking out when he yelled out to me to slow down, because I "walk too fast" and he caught up with me on the way to my car and was like, "You know that girl who works the to-go section?" and I was like, "Not personally, but I know who you're talking about. Why?" and he was like, "Oh nothing. She just asked if you were my girlfriend and I said no and she was like, 'Why not? She's beautiful.' and well, she's right."
I think I was in shock for a moment. He'd never said anything like that before. And I hadn't even eaten food when I was in there with him, so I think the glow he must see if all thanks to Ana. (: Anyways, it made me feel really good. I mean, it was amazing. I was high off of that compliment alone for like a week. It still makes me happy. And it's just one of those things that will help me to stay motivated and continue on with Ana.
I'm disgusted with myself for eating at all ever. I hate food right now. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting. It sucks. I'm tired of never approving of what I see in the mirror and only being able to see my weight.
And yesterday, at lunch my friend Stace was sitting across from me eating a box of chicken and nasty fries and a cup of lemonade (lord knows how many calories that is) and she would start laughing when she was eating, and I'm glad she's happy and all - but her face is getting fatter like it used to be. She used to weigh like more than me, but then she lost a lot of weight. I weigh 3 pounds more than her right now, but she's flat in the stomach while mine's still not quite there yet. My friend Brad's noticing her weight gain too. And it bothers both of us. We worry that she's going to go and gain all that weight back.
Honestly, sometimes I WANT her to gain it back. I want her to be fat. I want to be the skinny one. Not that I'm anywhere near being skinny yet, but skinnier* than she is. I'd say that I shouldn't feel this way, but why the hell should I not have some healthy competition with a friend? Ha, healthy. Funny word, that. But it's whatever. Either she is or she isn't getting fatter. All I know is that I will never be this weight again, as long as I live and breath and can do something about it.
I wish I had more time to blog today. I have so much to finish during this block alone (French 3) and then I have to get everything together for my APUSH class this afternoon. Blah.
And Q: Does anyone know what I can do to help myself lose more weight, other than fasting, exercising, and taking dietary supplements?
And Q: How many calories add up to a pound?
Well, I have stuff to do, so I guess I'll get to it. And remember: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."
Salut ma petites. <3
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Don't Question Me
I didn't lose anything yesterday. I stayed the same - I guess that's better than gaining any of that nasty weight back. I'll just work out harder today and eat even less than yesterday (grilled veggies & lettuce & half oz of cheese). I think I'll just eat raw veggies, save those calories and not eat the cheese. I'm obsessing over my ED again. I didn't think I would obsess so quickly, but of course I am. I'm sick of not being as thin as I know I could be.
I've found a new role model - Mary Kate Olsen. I chose her because my texting support (Megan!) told me to choose someone close to my height, and if she can do it, I can do it. Her lowest weight was 88! That's super far away from what I'm at right now, but I'm sure I can at least get pretty close - I hope! (:
Today's been pretty average. I'm not hungry, but I'm looking forward to the hungry feeling I'll get towards the time I head over to the gym. I guess I'll try spend extra time there today since my gym buddy won't be going with me today. I so don't mind going alone though. I can listen to my Thinspration music and look at pictures on my IPod touch, and stare at the girls and boys in the gym who are way smaller than me and remind myself that I NEED to lose the weight.
I weigh myself constantly. I think I need to get my own scale for my bathroom instead of using my parents because my mom's even noticing how much I check it. She won't say anything about it - she's happy I'm doing something for myself. She wouldn't be happy if she knew Ana was helping me to lose it. She thinks it's just me eating right and exercising - how wrong she is.
I have two older sisters - they're both tremendously beautiful and tremendously thin. I kind of hate them for that. I look just like my oldest sister Em, but she's much smaller than me. She did gain a lot of weight before this past summer and was up to 136 (which I hope to be at soon!) and then when I called her fat (this coming from a cow, moo) she decided it was time to lose the weight. She now looks like she's only around 110 pounds, maybe smaller. She's always kept small though. I always thought of her as my role model - because although she wasn't brilliant like I'm said to be, she did have everything I wanted. She's gorgeous, thin, always has a bangin' boyfriend, lots of gorgeous friends (she doesn't feel inferior to) and everything is so easy for her.
I on the other hand have to work like mad crazy just to be kind of okay with how I look. Like Rachel Ferguson says, (hating the reflection in the mirror) I want to be able to look in the mirror and know I look good. My friend Brad asked me last night why I'm not dating anymore (because I haven't dated anyone in months!) and I told him that it was basically because I wasn't comfortable with myself and until I was, I wasn't going to date anyone who might call me beautiful and say I'm perfect the way I am when I'd be lying to myself if I agreed. Because I would agree, if I fell in love with him. Then, later on in the relationship when things got bad, and we ended it, I'd never know if he only said that to keep me around or if he really meant it - I'd probably get depressed and gain even more weight - sorry, but I swear to Ana that will not happen to me.
I've also decided that I won't eat anything that is like, a major sweet for like a couple weeks. I know it doesn't sound like a major feat or anything, but for me it is. I mean, I don't really eat a lot of sweets, but my birthday's coming up in October (25!) and I want to look cute when I go to the beach for the weekend, you digg?
On another note, I'm basically satisfied with how I'm doing thus far. It's no where near where I expected (last time, I lost the weight much quicker) but it may have something to do with the medicine I take for being bi-polar, you think? Ha, anyways. I can't wait to work out today. I feel so encouraged at the moment. I wish I could just leave school and hit the gym for a couple hours. So, not only am I obsessed with my ED, but I'm also obsessed with working out - which btw, is a good thing! Ha.
I told another lie today - my advisor in the library asked me if I would like a piece of chocolate cake - and thinking to myself I was like, "OMG PLEASE! I HAVEN'T HAD REAL FOOD IN OVER A WEEK!" But out loud, "No thanks, I ate a big breakfast." I kind of felt bad for lying, when I could have just said no thanks, but then she may have asked me why, and either way I would have lied. It's not like I'm a bad liar, but the thing is, sometimes I'm too good, and I lie to myself. I'm afraid I'm doing just that as I continue on with Ana. Am I really going to be able to do this? YES! Or do I really think that? Is it worth is to endanger your health to be thin? OF COURSE! But do I really mean it?
Questions and unreasonable, unsolvable, improbable answers. I'll need some more help going today - not that I can't fight off the food - I still won't eat, but I wonder if I should stop being so serious? Even though it makes me feel good. Or does it? Oh well, I'll figure it out.
…I think.
Thin, Need to be Thin.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Veggies <3
: The reason I make it through the day when I’m not fasting. Today was one of those days. And they were so very good. Mom grills them, and omg. I crave them above any other food, even over sugary foods when I’m fasting. It’s crazy, I know. My friend who hits the gym with me every day at a slice of pizza right after we left, and all I have to say that that is – gross. I did not work off 600 something calories just to waste it on pizza, especially considering that that one slice was probably over 600 calories in and of itself. Nasty. Anyways, this friend – well we’re the ones who have the plan that when we both lose 10 pounds, we’ll go out and celebrate – at her rate, I’ll be down another 10 by the time she gets to her first 10. Not that I mind, and it’s not like she knows how I’m losing the weight so fast. I don’t want her to know, honestly. I don’t want anyone trying to talk me out of what I’m doing. It’s working – I look forward to the starving – no one is talking me out of this. I just worry about what she’d think of me if she thought that I – someone she looks to for advice – was doing something harmful towards her own health, you know?
I honestly know that there are some serious health risks that go along with being Ana, but the hell if I don’t think it’s worth it. Don’t you agree? Of course you do. Anyone who reads this is proAna, and if you’re not, please don’t read my thoughts. I’m not here to encourage people to be Ana, but to support those people like myself who are already Ana and knows it’s a lot harder to give up Ana than anyone else might think. I think I like it mostly because of the fact I feel like I can finally control something. Does that sound bad? I want to be thin, and this is one of the only things I can control. I know what I eat – I hate myself when I eat more than I plan. I applaud myself when I do better than I plan – when I don’t eat or drink any calories at all. I know what I want. Says a lot for someone as messed up as I must be, right? Wrong. At least I know what I want. I want to be thin. Do you want to be fat? Oh, you’re one of those skinny girls who have the speedy metabolism? Bugger off. I don’t need you here.
I decided I’m not going to my prom unless I’m a size 4. Which is saying something – I’m a size 9 right now. Fuck. I have a long ways to go, but I know it’s going to be worth it. I’m worth it, I know it. Maybe I’m not right now – in all my fatty glory, but I will be worth it; when I’m thin, when I’m beautiful, when I’m perfect. Lord knows I have the drive to see this thing through – so, girls. Pray for me. Ha. (:
And don’t forget, anyone who needs a supporter, I’m here! I’m way talkative, so I can talk myself out of big eating binges, and I could just help you through not eating your feelings. Especially if you’re stressed in school or whatnot. Enjoy the day girls!
Starving For Perfection, <3
I honestly know that there are some serious health risks that go along with being Ana, but the hell if I don’t think it’s worth it. Don’t you agree? Of course you do. Anyone who reads this is proAna, and if you’re not, please don’t read my thoughts. I’m not here to encourage people to be Ana, but to support those people like myself who are already Ana and knows it’s a lot harder to give up Ana than anyone else might think. I think I like it mostly because of the fact I feel like I can finally control something. Does that sound bad? I want to be thin, and this is one of the only things I can control. I know what I eat – I hate myself when I eat more than I plan. I applaud myself when I do better than I plan – when I don’t eat or drink any calories at all. I know what I want. Says a lot for someone as messed up as I must be, right? Wrong. At least I know what I want. I want to be thin. Do you want to be fat? Oh, you’re one of those skinny girls who have the speedy metabolism? Bugger off. I don’t need you here.
I decided I’m not going to my prom unless I’m a size 4. Which is saying something – I’m a size 9 right now. Fuck. I have a long ways to go, but I know it’s going to be worth it. I’m worth it, I know it. Maybe I’m not right now – in all my fatty glory, but I will be worth it; when I’m thin, when I’m beautiful, when I’m perfect. Lord knows I have the drive to see this thing through – so, girls. Pray for me. Ha. (:
And don’t forget, anyone who needs a supporter, I’m here! I’m way talkative, so I can talk myself out of big eating binges, and I could just help you through not eating your feelings. Especially if you’re stressed in school or whatnot. Enjoy the day girls!
Starving For Perfection, <3
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Straight up
Two more pounds <3
This has been one amazing day! I woke up thinking about how good today was going to be, and then I stepped on the scale - another two pounds down! If I can keep this up, I'll be in the 130's by Monday of next week! Damn, this is so exciting. I had to eat at Fatz today though, and I had soup and Salad, but I feel like I've been eating like crazy today - even though I haven't. I don't know. I just have a really good feeling about this week. (:
On another note - I've recently decided that maybe I'm not taking this seriously enough. So, I'm considering the need of some of those red bracelets (yeah, those red bracelets) to help remind me of everything. I don't know how to make bracelets though. And I also don't want to go out and buy a bracelet, it just doesn't sound like it would have the same meaning that way, so I'd like to see if anyone out in the Ana community would like to make me a bracelet. (: If not, it's okay. I'll find someone to make me one around here. I just wouldn't want them noticing my weight loss and see a red bracelet, you know?
Well, it's been a long day. I spent it with my friend Matt again, and we went back to the park and walked all these cool trails (even though I'm not really that much of an outdoorsy kind of girl) and it was simply perfect. And before anyone wonders, no. I don't have feelings for Matt. I mean, I thought I did for a while, and we were going to try to date, but the fact that I know I'm fat bothers me, and he's like minute. He's freaking tiny as hell, and I always feel even bigger around him, so I couldn't do it. He thinks I'm perfect - I think he's crazy. But maybe one day, maybe not. Depends on if I ever feel good enough for anyone.
And if anyone wants to talk, I may not be on here, but you can e-mail me anytime. Send me a message, and I'll send you my e-mail. And thanks to Megan, my new text buddy. I learned a lot from her today, and it's the first day we've talked. You're great! I can tell we're going to become really good friends. (:
Peace. Love. Thin. <3
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Starving For Perfection
I messed up big time yesterday and ate a doughnut, but when I woke up this morning - thanks to the amazing set of diet pills I've been using combined with all my working out and vitamin supplements, I'm down another three pounds! I'd forgotten how good starving feels. And best of all, no parents home today to make me eat! I'm like, beyond happy right now. As soon as I stepped on the scale this morning, I had a bad feeling I'd weigh like 5 lbs more than yesterday, so I was shocked to see I'd lost weight. This means I'm a total of 7 lbs down from when I started this journal! Yay!
As for my plans for today:
- Going back to sleep for a couple of hours.
- Driving into town to shop (I need to get some pants I can't fit into that are super expensive; it'll help keep me motivated!)
- "Lunch with Matty" (my friend, he won't notice me not eating)
- Going to the movies (I have to see the Time Traveler's Wife!)
- Spending the night off, hopefully
I'm so psyched that I lost that weight. My friend and I have made a bargain that after we both lose at least 10 pounds, we'll go out to celebrate. I will not be eating nasty calories that will take weeks to work off and just make me even bigger than I am now. I mean, maybe I'll get some fro-yo (which is so much better for you, and has way less calories than ice cream, you should try it!).
Oh! And I'm going to start posting a proAna song of the week - the song I find has helped me the most that week.
Week 1 - "Never Good Enough" Rachel Ferguson <3
Keep Thinking Thin. [:
[And if you need support, I'm here. I need it too, but I'm more willing to help others at the moment. I feel so in control (which is totally saying something) and I'd love to help. Message me, and I'll give you my personal e-mail and cell number, so we can text. Stay strong girls, keeping Thin.]
As for my plans for today:
- Going back to sleep for a couple of hours.
- Driving into town to shop (I need to get some pants I can't fit into that are super expensive; it'll help keep me motivated!)
- "Lunch with Matty" (my friend, he won't notice me not eating)
- Going to the movies (I have to see the Time Traveler's Wife!)
- Spending the night off, hopefully
I'm so psyched that I lost that weight. My friend and I have made a bargain that after we both lose at least 10 pounds, we'll go out to celebrate. I will not be eating nasty calories that will take weeks to work off and just make me even bigger than I am now. I mean, maybe I'll get some fro-yo (which is so much better for you, and has way less calories than ice cream, you should try it!).
Oh! And I'm going to start posting a proAna song of the week - the song I find has helped me the most that week.
Week 1 - "Never Good Enough" Rachel Ferguson <3
Keep Thinking Thin. [:
[And if you need support, I'm here. I need it too, but I'm more willing to help others at the moment. I feel so in control (which is totally saying something) and I'd love to help. Message me, and I'll give you my personal e-mail and cell number, so we can text. Stay strong girls, keeping Thin.]
Friday, September 18, 2009
Bones are Clean and Pure
I messed up big time this morning - I ate saltines. Eight whole saltines. I was doing so good with the fasting until dinner, but I messed up. Screw. I feel like being sick. I refuse to eat any more today until I have to at dinner - 181 calories. I work off over 600 at the gym every day, so I'm not worried about that so much, but it bothers me.
I know I shouldn't complain, but I've lost like 3-4 pounds in the last week and now I'm eating salty foods? What am I thinking? Damnit. All I know is that this won't happen again. No more slip-ups. I just won't allow it. Not now, not now that I know what I want or now that I know I can do this.
On another note, it's Friday September 18, which is good, because after school today, I'm going to the gym for a couple of hours and I was going to go to the big rivalry football game, but since its looking as though it may rain all day, I'm definitely not going anymore. I might just chill with some friends - which is hard to avoid eating when they're all super skinny and always eating. Bitches can't get weight with those amazing metabolisms. I feel like any time I spend with them, I should really be spending running or riding my bike.
Finally I'm down to 148.4 - and I don't plan on having any weight back on me when I check the scale in the morning - I can't chance it. I'm skipping dinner, and just spending 3 or so hours at the gym.
I'm tired of trying to act like I'm comfortable in my own skin - all 3 billion pounds of it. I plan on enjoying all my time at the gym for as long as possible. Eating enough to get by, and nothing more. Listening to music to inspire me. The music that inspires the best of us and the worst of us.
And on that note, I need to get back to French class - partner project due today. Boo. At least it keeps me from eating. (:
Love Thin. Be Thin. Live Thin.
I know I shouldn't complain, but I've lost like 3-4 pounds in the last week and now I'm eating salty foods? What am I thinking? Damnit. All I know is that this won't happen again. No more slip-ups. I just won't allow it. Not now, not now that I know what I want or now that I know I can do this.
On another note, it's Friday September 18, which is good, because after school today, I'm going to the gym for a couple of hours and I was going to go to the big rivalry football game, but since its looking as though it may rain all day, I'm definitely not going anymore. I might just chill with some friends - which is hard to avoid eating when they're all super skinny and always eating. Bitches can't get weight with those amazing metabolisms. I feel like any time I spend with them, I should really be spending running or riding my bike.
Finally I'm down to 148.4 - and I don't plan on having any weight back on me when I check the scale in the morning - I can't chance it. I'm skipping dinner, and just spending 3 or so hours at the gym.
I'm tired of trying to act like I'm comfortable in my own skin - all 3 billion pounds of it. I plan on enjoying all my time at the gym for as long as possible. Eating enough to get by, and nothing more. Listening to music to inspire me. The music that inspires the best of us and the worst of us.
And on that note, I need to get back to French class - partner project due today. Boo. At least it keeps me from eating. (:
Love Thin. Be Thin. Live Thin.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Who's in control now?
This was supposed to be my first post - Better late than never! Followed by my post for today. (:
Alright, so my name's Emerson and I'm beginning my Ana Quest today. I'm starting at 16 years old, 5'2 and 149 pounds. I've tried so many different diets and nothing's working. I happened upon a girl's blog a few days ago, and ever since I've been obsessed with reading about her and her own journey with Ana. Ana will become my best friend, my only friend if need be. I'm determined to be thin. I'm determined to be beautiful. I don't think it will take long. I've already been fasting for two days, that's two pounds down! It's exciting. I used to think that maybe this was a bad idea, not eating, but I've felt so much better recently. And I've started back up at the gym I used to go to when I was in cheerleading. My highest weight is 163, and for my height, that is obese. It made me sick, so I finally did something and lost the weight, even though it took forever, and I'm no longer in the obese area. My initial choice for my final and hopeful weight was 135, but now that I think about it, I just want that to be the first step. Maybe the second step if need be, but definitely not the final weight. I want to be thin, and the hell if I'll let anyone or anything get in my way. I've never been one who wrote things down, but then again, I probably need this in order to keep track of how I'm doing. I will no longer sit around and mope about how fat I am. I'm doing something, and I won't stop until I get my results. Remember what Kat said, the need to be thin is great, but the need to be thin and beautiful is greater. No do it, and don't even think for a moment you're anywhere near skinny. You're fat and you know it. So get off your ass and do something else.
Gym - worked off upwards of 610 calories. Dinner - 181 calories. I think I've done well. I ate the same thing last night, with a tiny slip with some dry cereal (I don't even want to know the calories) but then I went for a bike ride, so I'm sure I worked it off.
My parents are glad I'm finally doing something for myself. I don't think I understood before now that if I was going to do something about my weight, I had to do it myself. I know this way seems awfully extreme, but you have to understand that I've been having trouble with my weight since I was in the eighth grade, and even though that was just a couple of years ago, it's been a long couple of years.
When reading Kat's blog, I find more and more about this girl that impresses me. Her determination and strength is beyond anyone's I've ever seen. Beyond my own, for sure. I realize I'm only a year and some months younger than she is, but even now, being as mature and strong minded as I am, I've never showed the kind of raw determination I read about when I check her blog. It's good to know how strongly she feels about it, because it's good to know someone else cares about weight loss as much as I do. While I will learn from reading her mistakes, I won't tell my family and friends about what I'm up to. I know better than to get anyone involved, whether they end up being over-concerned and constantly questioning me, or they go and tell my parents or some other adults on me, I can't let that happen. I've been through so much. I'm already OCD and bi-polar and the idea of me having an ED would blow my parents minds and possibly our worlds up. I know people will think what I'm doing is extreme, but don't we all find something in our lives to obsess over? Whether it's our hair, our faces, our clothes or our popularity. We all do it. I just happen to be one of the ones who obsesses over weight, and while people might find me weird for that, I can't help it. It's part of who I am, and I can't do anything to change it.
Like Kat, I need to find a pro-Ana texting buddy to help me get through the day. While I've done well on my own the past two days, I have a feeling things may get harder down the road. I'll have to look into this soon, possibly later tonight. I have so much homework to do, and I love it. Homework is just my ticket to stay upstairs in my room, work on my homework until I get too tired to go back downstairs, or if I'm still good and energized, it leaves me time to go for a run or bike ride, or maybe even do some of those fun workout vids I bought recently. And let me tell you, they work! I mean, I seriously can already see a difference in my waist and shoulders. It's a miracle. It's just not enough. A little bit is never enough - I just wish I had thought about that before I went and told my mom about my problems when I was in the eighth grade; before I was sent to that doctor because I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks; before my mom realized how messed up I was. Yeah, I'm a relapse. And damn proud.
Think Thin. Thinspration, love.
Again, I should add some things about myself. I'm vegetarian, so I'm not really into heavy foods to begin with, so it's not like fasting is really that big of a deal - yet. Eventually going a couple days with food might start to get to me, but until then - I need to stay strong, so I'll need some serious support. I sound so dramatic, but any of you out there who were just starting out, I'm sure you felt the same way. And a reminder to all of you out there still struggling day to day with Ana; she's worth it, so don't give up on her. She'll be your best friend and help you to become beautiful. Thin is beautiful. Thin is being able to love yourself - body and mind. Thin is what I strive to be. Tomorrow will be day three with only eating 181 calories. Wish me luck, dolls.
<3
................................................................................................................................................
Today, (:
Today won't be hard. I've already decided. I was down another lb when I stepped up on the scale this morning. It's now about 1:50 and I'm in APUSH. I haven't been hungry today, mainly because I've been drinking my Gatorade (110), and haven't had anything to eat!
Over and over today I've thought the same thing: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I finally think I'm beginning to understand it. Ha.
I got sidetracked in APUSH, and now I'm at home eating dinner. I have exactly one salad (Lettuce and 1/2 oz of cheese) and broccoli and cauliflower grilled (with a little bit of salt, I'll regret that one tomorrow).
I went to the gym and worked off over 650 calories, and I only had 110 calories throughout the day, up until this dinner, but it's only like 181 calories, and I'll run it off later when I feel stronger. Starving is one of the best feelings ever, I didn't even feel hungry today. I'm not, but mom will start wondering why I'm not eating dinner, and while many girls can get away with hiding things from their moms, my mom - well she's just too quick for that.
I weighed myself (obsessed much) at the gym and I'm another pound less than I was when I started this blog this morning! It's amazing. I don't know what I'll do if anything happens and I can't feel hungry anymore - it's just so good.
And now I have another incentive to look amazing (thin)! Yeah, that's right. A new boy. He's so sweet too. I mean, he's not like all the other guys who like me for who I am. He likes that I care about the way I look. He's super skinny, so he should care if he's seen with a fat girl! But anyways, I'm so excited. I'm thinking about the fact that he brought up Prom - and I know Prom is months away, but I wouldn't want anyone but him to take me! He's just that amazing, and did I mention how thin he is? My God, it's crazy how much this boy can eat and not gain anything. I'd hate him if I didn't have a huge crush on him! Anyways, I'm working on homework for now. Thinking of how much I hate food and loving how I'm in control now! Let me know if you have any good ideas to keep my mind off of food while I'm at school, (:
Think Thin, Look thin, Live thin.
Alright, so my name's Emerson and I'm beginning my Ana Quest today. I'm starting at 16 years old, 5'2 and 149 pounds. I've tried so many different diets and nothing's working. I happened upon a girl's blog a few days ago, and ever since I've been obsessed with reading about her and her own journey with Ana. Ana will become my best friend, my only friend if need be. I'm determined to be thin. I'm determined to be beautiful. I don't think it will take long. I've already been fasting for two days, that's two pounds down! It's exciting. I used to think that maybe this was a bad idea, not eating, but I've felt so much better recently. And I've started back up at the gym I used to go to when I was in cheerleading. My highest weight is 163, and for my height, that is obese. It made me sick, so I finally did something and lost the weight, even though it took forever, and I'm no longer in the obese area. My initial choice for my final and hopeful weight was 135, but now that I think about it, I just want that to be the first step. Maybe the second step if need be, but definitely not the final weight. I want to be thin, and the hell if I'll let anyone or anything get in my way. I've never been one who wrote things down, but then again, I probably need this in order to keep track of how I'm doing. I will no longer sit around and mope about how fat I am. I'm doing something, and I won't stop until I get my results. Remember what Kat said, the need to be thin is great, but the need to be thin and beautiful is greater. No do it, and don't even think for a moment you're anywhere near skinny. You're fat and you know it. So get off your ass and do something else.
Gym - worked off upwards of 610 calories. Dinner - 181 calories. I think I've done well. I ate the same thing last night, with a tiny slip with some dry cereal (I don't even want to know the calories) but then I went for a bike ride, so I'm sure I worked it off.
My parents are glad I'm finally doing something for myself. I don't think I understood before now that if I was going to do something about my weight, I had to do it myself. I know this way seems awfully extreme, but you have to understand that I've been having trouble with my weight since I was in the eighth grade, and even though that was just a couple of years ago, it's been a long couple of years.
When reading Kat's blog, I find more and more about this girl that impresses me. Her determination and strength is beyond anyone's I've ever seen. Beyond my own, for sure. I realize I'm only a year and some months younger than she is, but even now, being as mature and strong minded as I am, I've never showed the kind of raw determination I read about when I check her blog. It's good to know how strongly she feels about it, because it's good to know someone else cares about weight loss as much as I do. While I will learn from reading her mistakes, I won't tell my family and friends about what I'm up to. I know better than to get anyone involved, whether they end up being over-concerned and constantly questioning me, or they go and tell my parents or some other adults on me, I can't let that happen. I've been through so much. I'm already OCD and bi-polar and the idea of me having an ED would blow my parents minds and possibly our worlds up. I know people will think what I'm doing is extreme, but don't we all find something in our lives to obsess over? Whether it's our hair, our faces, our clothes or our popularity. We all do it. I just happen to be one of the ones who obsesses over weight, and while people might find me weird for that, I can't help it. It's part of who I am, and I can't do anything to change it.
Like Kat, I need to find a pro-Ana texting buddy to help me get through the day. While I've done well on my own the past two days, I have a feeling things may get harder down the road. I'll have to look into this soon, possibly later tonight. I have so much homework to do, and I love it. Homework is just my ticket to stay upstairs in my room, work on my homework until I get too tired to go back downstairs, or if I'm still good and energized, it leaves me time to go for a run or bike ride, or maybe even do some of those fun workout vids I bought recently. And let me tell you, they work! I mean, I seriously can already see a difference in my waist and shoulders. It's a miracle. It's just not enough. A little bit is never enough - I just wish I had thought about that before I went and told my mom about my problems when I was in the eighth grade; before I was sent to that doctor because I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks; before my mom realized how messed up I was. Yeah, I'm a relapse. And damn proud.
Think Thin. Thinspration, love.
Again, I should add some things about myself. I'm vegetarian, so I'm not really into heavy foods to begin with, so it's not like fasting is really that big of a deal - yet. Eventually going a couple days with food might start to get to me, but until then - I need to stay strong, so I'll need some serious support. I sound so dramatic, but any of you out there who were just starting out, I'm sure you felt the same way. And a reminder to all of you out there still struggling day to day with Ana; she's worth it, so don't give up on her. She'll be your best friend and help you to become beautiful. Thin is beautiful. Thin is being able to love yourself - body and mind. Thin is what I strive to be. Tomorrow will be day three with only eating 181 calories. Wish me luck, dolls.
<3
................................................................................................................................................
Today, (:
Today won't be hard. I've already decided. I was down another lb when I stepped up on the scale this morning. It's now about 1:50 and I'm in APUSH. I haven't been hungry today, mainly because I've been drinking my Gatorade (110), and haven't had anything to eat!
Over and over today I've thought the same thing: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I finally think I'm beginning to understand it. Ha.
I got sidetracked in APUSH, and now I'm at home eating dinner. I have exactly one salad (Lettuce and 1/2 oz of cheese) and broccoli and cauliflower grilled (with a little bit of salt, I'll regret that one tomorrow).
I went to the gym and worked off over 650 calories, and I only had 110 calories throughout the day, up until this dinner, but it's only like 181 calories, and I'll run it off later when I feel stronger. Starving is one of the best feelings ever, I didn't even feel hungry today. I'm not, but mom will start wondering why I'm not eating dinner, and while many girls can get away with hiding things from their moms, my mom - well she's just too quick for that.
I weighed myself (obsessed much) at the gym and I'm another pound less than I was when I started this blog this morning! It's amazing. I don't know what I'll do if anything happens and I can't feel hungry anymore - it's just so good.
And now I have another incentive to look amazing (thin)! Yeah, that's right. A new boy. He's so sweet too. I mean, he's not like all the other guys who like me for who I am. He likes that I care about the way I look. He's super skinny, so he should care if he's seen with a fat girl! But anyways, I'm so excited. I'm thinking about the fact that he brought up Prom - and I know Prom is months away, but I wouldn't want anyone but him to take me! He's just that amazing, and did I mention how thin he is? My God, it's crazy how much this boy can eat and not gain anything. I'd hate him if I didn't have a huge crush on him! Anyways, I'm working on homework for now. Thinking of how much I hate food and loving how I'm in control now! Let me know if you have any good ideas to keep my mind off of food while I'm at school, (:
Think Thin, Look thin, Live thin.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Never good enough
"She tries harder than the average teen." Rachel Ferguson.
I decided that now was the time to relapse. I need this. I need this. I need this. I need to be thin. I hate my reflection. I want something to change. So, Ana. Welcome back.
HW: 163
WATM: 150
NW: 125
I'll need support. A lot of it. I have to do this, but I can't do it alone.
Think Thin, Think Thin, Think Thin.
I decided that now was the time to relapse. I need this. I need this. I need this. I need to be thin. I hate my reflection. I want something to change. So, Ana. Welcome back.
HW: 163
WATM: 150
NW: 125
I'll need support. A lot of it. I have to do this, but I can't do it alone.
Think Thin, Think Thin, Think Thin.
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