Cigarettes.

Is there something wrong with wanting to be wanted? Wanting to be with someone
and have them tell you everything you want to hear? Wanting to get rid of all the bad
things revolving around you? I don't think so. So, why do I get so much shit for it?
Sex, drugs and alcohol are all normalcies to teenagers, so why is it only some of us get
shit for it, while the others go untaunted, unrejected, unwanted?
I don't mean unrejected or unwanted in a sexual sense, but in a relationship sense. I don't
actually like relationships, don't get me wrong, but I'm tired of guys only wanting my body.
I'm not even comfortable with my body, and yet it's what boys want. Is there something
wrong with this picture? I think so. Agree, or don't. It's whatev.
I had a long night again. I moved onto number 4 of the list. I switched numbers though.
My orignial number 4 wasn't around, so I just picked another. He was good. The pain was
great, and I look forward to being sore as hell in the morning. I just wish things weren't
so complicated. This latest guy, no matter what he says, wants to be more than just fuck
buddies, and that bothers the hell out of me.
If only he knew how fucked up I really am. I don't think he knows, but I'm taking advantage
of this situation. I know he wants me. I also know he wants to ask me out, but I just
want him for sex, if for anything at all. He needs to figure that out before I end up hurting
the poor kid.

I sound like such a bitch. Luckily for me, I am, so I can use it as an excuse.



I hope everyone else is doing better than me, at least. <3

I want to be able to see the distance from the Road.

I'm actually content with life right now. I think things could
possibly start looking up. I'm actually excited to go out and be with
my friends again. I'm looking forward to the time I get to spend with
them and the time I get by myself, and in that time, I don't feel so
alone anymore.
My relationship with Ana is so back on track, it's crazy. I don't
feel the need to feed my emotions. It's a great feeling, and even though
I know I'll never be cured, I also know that deep down, I know this is
the right thing for me. I just wish I had been this secure months ago...


I love you all, from the bottom of my non-existent heart. <3

And The Winner Is.

Brad.

Of course it was Brad. First off, let me just say that I have a new outlook on all things

boys. I don't look at them and wonder if I think they're cute anymore. I basically see

a boy and ask myself "Would you fuck him; yes or no?" And move forward from there.

I'm sick, apparently. I'm fat and I love sex. It's a literal obsession. Which makes me sick,

right? I thought so. I think so, still.

I don't know what's gotten into me. I actually snuck out the other night to go

off with a guy. We had sex in his car. In the backseat. While listening to that stupid

band Owl City. Talk about lame.

I don't really mind that I'm becoming a nympho. I don't actually mind

it at all whatsoever. No one at school knows. Everything thinks I'm just this

cute like Catholic girl, waiting until marriage to fuck. Oh, how wrong they are.

I coined a term recently, to describe myself: Closet Whore. Considering not many

people know about how I really am. They also don't know I'm anorexic, or maybe

that's not the right way to put it. They don't know I wrestle with Ana on a daily

basis. I'm far from being anorexic - now that is.

I've decided that, because I've become more into being naked with guys, that this

is definitely a boost in the right direction. It makes me more body conscience.

Anyways, I just felt like everyone should know - since no one else does.

Stay strong, and LIVE.

"Something New"

I need hope for a new tomorrow. I need something to help me get by.
The illegal substances, they don't seem to work anymore. I feel like
I should lay in bed all day, and do absolutely nothing.

I couldn't live that way, I know. I'm too much of a person who needs
change, and movement. And music. And cigarettes, and interaction. I
definitely need the interaction. Not talking, so much. Just touch.
I need to feel like I'm really here.

I cut to prove I'm alive. I refuse to eat to prove my body can make it
without food. I smoke to prove my lungs are still working, even if they
have changed to the color black, rather than that ugly pink color.

Black. That color amazes me. I look good when I wear black. It's my staple
wardrobe color. I look fat in black. I never look good. Who am I kidding?

I want to change my name. Move away from here. Start all over. Find different
friends. Ones who can still relate to me, but won't ask the inevitable questions.
"Are you alright?" Of course I'm not fucking alright.

I can't bare to have attention on me. I would rather someone's hands all
over me. Grasping for me, like if they let go, they'll fall into some bottomless
pit that is neverending.

Define for me what life is. Tell me why I'm here. Tell me why I'm allowed
to hurt so much. Tell me exactly what is it I'm doing wrong here. I don't feel
like I'm a bad person, but if I'm a good person, too much shit happens to me.

I just needed to vent. Sorry it's so fucking depressing. I just need something
new, some space, something more like my mood.

I hope everyone's doing good, better than me at least. <3

Time is Everything.

Tonight, for the first time, I cut my wrist. I didn't make deep marks, but they're visible. I see my handiwork, and I hate myself for it. I should know better than to try hurt myself given what just happened to my friend. I've gotten so tired of being the strong one. It's to hard. I shouldn't have to be so strong, no matter the situation. I just feel like giving up so many times throughout the day, and then when night comes, it gets even harder. During the day, I can be with my two best friends I still have, enjoy their company, and think about better things. When I'm alone, I can't stand thinking, because it only hurts me even more. The pain, I miss.
I'm starting another fast, until my friend gets out of hospital. Only liquid. I don't know how long he'll be in there, but I'll do whatever it takes. Maybe, the hunger will grow so intense, I won't feel anything anymore. I'm just so exhausted mentally, and the pain, mental pain, is just so excruciating. It's definitely taking it's toll on me, and I want it to go away.
I went for a walk tonight, and while I was out there at my spot, I laid down to look at the moon, and lost myself. It was amazing. When I came to, my mom was calling my cell phone wondering where I was. I told her. "Get home now." She sent me that in a text when I started walking back. What the fuck did she think I was doing, star gazing? I mean, I don't know. I understand she's stressed. She's reacting to what happened to my friend. When I got home, I tried telling her what happened. "I don't care. You don't care about me, and I'm sick of it. And I'm making you an appointment to talk to someone." I told her she was crazy if she thought I was going to see someone, but if she was already calling, to make herself an appointment. She needs it way more than I do. She just doesn't get it.
The other night was a perfect example of why she should get help. I took a bath, so I could shave my legs. She took one look at me walking towards the bath tub with a razor and freaked. "What are you doing with that?"
"Shaving my legs, what else?"
"No you're not."

Yeah, I was just going to shave my legs, but you know what she was thinking? I was going to cut my wrists and kill myself. If I'm angry at what my friend has done, it's the way he's made my mom react towards me. I would never consider killing myself. I'm being selfish right now, but I enjoy living. I don't understand his reasoning, but things must have been much worse than he led on. I, on the other hand, am perfectly stable and am completely sick of my mom tiptoeing around me as if anything she might say wrong could upset me. Sure, I've had several mental break downs, but it's only after I see something that reminds me of my friend, or something that just takes my breath away. I've become so much more in-tune with everything in my life, and sometimes I don’t think it's such a good thing.
Everything has me stressing now. I'm smoking almost a pack a day because of it all. It's my only release. Besides me hooking up with that guy the other night, I've had nothing to help. My friends are working through this themselves, but I still feel responsible for taking care of them. Being strong for them. And normally, under any other condition, I would be fine doing so. It's just that I was close to him too, and it's hard to work through my own feelings and thoughts added to theirs. M's mom doesn't understand her. She never has, so she doesn't have the mom I do, and it hurts her. She needs someone like a mom to help her through this since her own mother has my sympathy for her. J's doing okay, his mom knows, and understands, but they're not close, so I stick close to him to make sure things are okay. He's also got some other friends who can help, but M only has J and I, now that my boy's in the hospital.
I don't know how everything's going to work out. I know he'll be okay, but I need to hear something from his parents soon, or I'll continue to have break downs. I need to know he's okay. Even if he's not mentally sane, I need to know that he hasn't physically harmed himself in any way. I don't know what I'll do if he does or has. I need him around, and even though I've told him so on several occasions, I don't know if he ever took any of it seriously. I love the boy, and honestly, if he had gone through with it, I don't know what I'd be doing right now. Maybe sitting in the room next to him in the psyche ward. Who can tell? I'd say "God knows" but I don't know what I believe in anymore. It makes things more difficult as well, considering I used to rely on prayer a lot, but I can't pray to someone who would let something like this happen, especially to someone I love.



Anyways, I have too many problems at the moment to work out, but I'll eventually be okay. Like my favorite quote says, "Keep Moving Forward." I'm working on it, Walt.