Saturday, October 31, 2009

All Hallows Eve

Halloween. All Hallows Eve. My favorite, absolute favorite holiday. And I didn't get to even celebrate it. Great way to start this week. At least I didn't go trick-or-treating so I didn't eat a ton of candy and mess up with the weight loss I've magnificently kept going. My friend got in trouble for having cigarettes and his parents don't approve, so neither of us went to that amazing party we were supposed to go to downtown tonight. Way to go buddy.
I've been considering quitting smoking. I don't think it would be hard, but anytime I've stopped in the past, I've gained a butt ton of weight after just a couple weeks of no cigarettes. I don't think my psyche could handle that at the moment, so I'm not sure when I'll start seriously thinking of quitting. I realize it's bad for your health, but so it the sun. I won't stop going out into it though.
I got my period - that's just about the best thing that's happened to me in the last couple of days. It's got me less stressed out about everything, so that's good. I slept better last night knowing I didn't have to worry anymore. I stayed with my baby boy M and I just felt so much better. The bad thing about being on my period - I feel huge. Like, I don't even get bloated, but I feel like I do. It's weird, don't ask. I'm scared to weigh myself tomorrow when I go to the gym, but I need to and maybe once I get back off my period, things will go better with my weight. I thought since I was so worried lately, my weight loss would increase since I haven't been eating much, stressed out as I was, but I don't even know. I didn't take the time to check my progress. I've seriously been that paranoid about being preggers. I've decided to make a new resolution though.
No more fun/sex/drinking/eating out/reading until I lose another 10 pounds, and hit a 20 day fast. I made it to 15 days last time, but I really have to complete this one.
I'm a strange kid, and I know most people would celebrate no reading, but I'm talking reading for fun, and yes - I read for fun. I admit it freely, no one's pointing a gun to my head, my mom's not standing right behind me reading what I type - I just truly enjoy reading.
I was walking around earlier, humming to myself, texting M and smoking a ciggy, and I thought to myself, 'Hey. If you can keep this up, you could be skinny. You could be beautiful.' And I realized that's exactly what I want. Of course that's why I'm here blogging, to point out how much I need to lose weight, to find people who understand that incessant need I have to be beautiful, but it really hit me while I was walking, so I felt I should share my revelation.
I haven't actually posted in a couple of days, but trust me. No one's missed anything special happening to me, or just in my life in general. I've just been questioning who I should trust, who I don't trust and why, and basically everything there is to question, I've done it. Questioned it that is, I'm not that screwed up. I've thought about sex a lot lately. I'm not even quite sure why. I don't think it's because I want to have it, just that it's such a big deal to me, and no one else I know seems to be bothered by it. And okay, maybe I do want to have it, but you can't sue me for that. It was good, the after-effects felt good, but I stand by my choice to be revirginized. I've actually considered going to confession and seeing how many Mary's I'd have to say to reclaim it. I'd probably be praying until I lost my voice or possibly undid all the beads on my chain.
I have really cute clothes. I'm not even being a bitch about it. I just totally have the cutest clothes. It's all name-brand, and I'm actually considered a brand-whore. I'm forever getting compliments, and it's a bad day if I only get say maybe 2 compliments on what I wear. But I feel like a cow in all of them. I know I must look like a cow in them, but people are too polite to say anything about it. I just wish they would come out and say how fat I look. Even if my clothes are cute. 'Be a real friend and give me the honest to God truth and maybe I'd like you better.' That's what I feel like saying, but instead I just say, "Thank you." I feel so fake saying it too. I don't really like that you've said it. I really want to bash your face in. Especially if you're skinny. Especially if you're skinny because of a speedy metabolism. Especially if you're skinny because you work out, because bitch I work out and it takes me forever to lose weight. But once again, I don't say anything like that. I try not even think that way, but it's true. It's how I feel. And now I don't know if anyone agrees with me, but I think maybe I should work a lot harder to lose weight so maybe one day I won't feel so negative towards these fake people and I can be just as fake back.
I think I'll begin my fast tomorrow. Sunday seems like the perfect day to begin. It's the first day of the week. The first day of the new month. A new beginning, so to speak. I'll restrict my fast to water, coffee (with sugar/creamer on good days), green tea and possibly so G2, just to keep my electrolytes up. I'll update as often as possible. I've got a busy couple of weeks ahead of me. Wish me luck.

Stay strong girls, never give up, even if the world's pushing you down. <3>

Monday, October 26, 2009

'Your Heart Just Melted'

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Mom's asking me questions about the whole Ana thing, she suspects again. I can't allow her to fuck this up for me. It just won't fly this time, not if I have anything to say about it. I need this. Especially after all the shit I've been through lately. It's just wrong for her to assume something, I haven't left any trails. And yet, there it is. I feel like she doesn't trust me, and honestly, she shouldn't but it hurts all the same that she doesn't. I don't blame her. Not after the last time. I know I fucked up when I was younger, but my biggest mistake was allowing myself to be found out. I don't know, I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
It's my birthday Sunday. I lost my virginity a week exactly from the day I'm turning 17. It's weird. Ha, but whatever. I finally talked to my boy, and had an almost normal conversation. I explained that I was hurt, but I didn't have the time to explain exactly how he's hurt me. I just wish he hadn't been talking to this other girl. He told me they aren't talking anymore - she "hates" him. Her? She better get in line.
I'm with my oldest sister for the weekend, and thank God it's a long weekend. You know what's funny? Even after all the shit I've been through lately, I still believe in God. I still think that he wants me to be my very best, make him proud, be shown in his likeness. I think, even if you aren't a believer, that everyone out there knows Jesus wasn't some ugly, fat guy who everyone listened to. People don't listen to ugly and fat people. I assume Jesus was an amazingly good looking, thin man. I might sound crazy saying that, but even I know that I would rather follow some crazy radical thinker who looked good than some nasty skank-looking dood.
Continuing from the start of my weekend - it's been such a long weekend. I mean, I loved all the time away from the gay town I live in, but I feel like I messed up so bad. I haven't weighed myself since I've been home, mainly because I'm afraid too. We smoke trees so much, and the munchies wouldn't go away, so I binged. Not because I was hungry-hungry, but because when I get high, I get the munchies like a bitch. I couldn't stop smoking either, so I spent the whole weekend doing it. I'm way upset with myself, but there isn't much I can do about it. I'm fasting again, starting tomorrow for probably another 14 days. I would start today, but I still have the munchies from the last go-round with the bowl.
I don't think I gained any weight, I kept getting sick to my stomach every time I ate, but the fact I ate all that was killing me. I hadn't eaten in 15 or so days, at least it would have been 15 if I hadn't slipped up at day 10, but it was only applesauce, so sue me. It was still a slip, I understand that. All I know is that, if I get hungry today, I'm going to eat. Just to get the munchies out of my system, and then I'm going to purge and use some laxies when I get home from the gym tonight. And ladies, let me tell you how well laxies work AFTER you go to the gym. You get your body all worked up and your metabolism going, so it makes it easier for your body to release. I know that's probably gross, but we're all friends here.
I guess I'm done stressing about the whole thing from last weekend. My boy and I are done. I told him so just last night - and yesterday just happened to be my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. :/ I told my sister about it while I was staying with her. She was disappointed in me, but she won't tell mom, and she said that it was just an experience fate happened to send on to me, even though I didn't want it. She really just hates that I don't remember it, or that my first time wasn't the special occasion I had always thought I would get. Oh well, karma's a bitch. I should have gone out with that kid from the library when he asked me. Maybe none of this would have happened. I could be dating him, and not making dumb attempts at loving being single. I do love it, don't get me wrong, but I always get into trouble without a boyfriend.
Sex really isn't that big of a deal to me anymore. I want to start fresh. Revirginized, I guess. I won't lie though. Today was the first morning I woke up and wasn't sore - and I kind of miss the feeling. Sick as that is, I know I won't be having sex anytime soon. I made a promise to myself. Either, I'll wait until I'm in a really strong and sturdy relationship to do anything, or whenever my thighs don't touch. They don't really touch-touch, but I feel like they do. My legs just need some help. Maybe I'll change the rules and have it to when I'm at my first goal weight. I guess that means - 20 more pounds? I could do that lickity-split, but hopefully it will give me enough time to get passed this whole thing emotionally. Well, I'm hungry now - so, I'm off to the bathroom to binge-purge. Enjoy the day ladies.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Give Me My Life Back

The last couple of days have been way stressful. I haven't been talking to my boy, since what happened Saturday night. I don't blame him anymore. I mean, I did, but that was dumb. It wasn't really his fault. I blamed him mostly because I've told him a thousand times that I was waiting until I was married, and I don't know. I just felt like he ruined something for me that was supposed to be special. I can't blame him anymore though. It's not fair to him, since it was partially my decision, whether I was sober or not. I guess I can't really say that I'm not upset with him, because I kind of am, but it's more me upset at myself than anything. I feel like I'm different in a lot of ways.
And damn, tell me how fucked up this is. My boy, after all this had happened, tells this girl about what happened that he just now tells me he's thinking of getting back with. I just can't understand what the fuck he was thinking. He fucking pisses me off so bad. And, even though he thinks I'm the one making it uncomfortable, it's worse for me because I was just becoming close with the girl he's talking to. Oh, let me explain something else - I told him the other day that I was definitely not ready to date him, and he should see someone else. That's why he's talking to someone else. I'd be even more pissed if he happened to be talking to her, at the same time as me, and had sex with me.
My friend Matt thinks I was being too harsh about this whole thing, until I explained all this to him last night, and now he thinks I'm not being harsh enough with him. I guess he's right, but I'm trying to ignore the fact I screwed up. I just need to move on. I wish I could go back and change how it happened. Then again, I knew I'd lose it to him. He must have to, because he came prepared, or so he says. That's what really messes with me. I'd told him a thousand times I was waiting, and yet, as soon as the chance presented itself, he went for it.
I feel used.
I feel abused.
I feel unclean.
I feel impure.
I feel used.
I feel like I don't know where I'm going with my life. I used to know everything about my plans for the future, and now it's just weird to me to even think about the future. I wish I could say that it never happened and go on with my life planning things and being excited about what's to come. I always has this dream my first time would be with someone I loved. I love my boy, but I'm wasn't and am not in love with him. I just don't know how to deal with this. I keep saying I'm moving on from it, but it's going to take me much more time to do it. I just can't figure out how I'm supposed to walk around and act like it never happened. I can't have that part of me back, and I know I'm going to miss it. I'll miss thinking about how much I'd have to love someone to be intimate with them. I'll miss dreaming about how my first time would be.
I think about it just about 24/7. Not the other night, and how it happened exactly, but sex in general. I shouldn't, but I do. It's weird, but thinking about it all the time makes me wan to do it. I'm sure that sounds bad too. I'm not saying I'm sex crazed but this feeling of being a bad person won't go away and it makes me feel like, "Hey! You already did it, you might as well keep at it since you're already impure." And I feel like I hear that in my head, every moment of every day, since it's all I think about. It makes me feel like a sick minded person, which I guess in a lot of ways I am.
My friend Matt, when we were talking about yesterday tried to make me feel better by telling me that when I was a virgin, I was in a small group, but now I'm in the larger group, since everyone at my school is basically having sex all the time - him reminding me of that didn't help me, at all. It just made me feel worse about myself. I don't know what's going to have to change for me to feel less sick about this whole situation. I still haven't been to the health department, but I need to go soon so that I can get things checked out. I've never actually wanted my period to come early so much in my entire life.
Damn him for being there that night. Damn me for being wasted. Damn him for asking me if it was okay. Damn me for saying "yes".

On another note, I'm doing good fasting still. I'm just going to keep going. I'm so sick with myself after Saturday night, I'm not hungry anyways. When I even think of food, I feel bile rise in my throat, so there's no use in trying to eat, especially when I don't want, need or even understand why I should eat. I don't deserve to eat. I deserve to starve. I deserve to be locked away for weeks on end without food. I should have to starve and watch everyone else eat. I swear, right now to everyone who will read this blog that I, Em, will not eat again until I know what's for sure happening with this whole situation. No matter how long it takes. I'll need support, and let me just say that I'm so thankful for texting buddies, especially my newest one, Ashley Arizona. She's been amazing in comforting me and helping me find new sites for thinspro.

Everyone stay strong and remember: Don't make mistakes. Don't fuck up. Keep starving. Don't eat. <3>

Monday, October 19, 2009

Go Fuck Yourself

I messed up last night. I'm so ashamed of myself, you've got absolutely no idea. I ate pizza, even though I'm supposed to be on my fast until Wednesday. The thing is, I ate because Wednesday night after my friend Macy's I had a fainting spell, and then yesterday at school I kept feeling faint, and I figured eating a little something would make me okay. The hell if I didn't screw up and totally binge on pizza. It's just so frustrating. I decided that I'm just going to move on from it, finish my fast I'm on - ending Wednesday - and then start anew. I can't let set backs like this mess up all the progress I've felt. I know it's crazy but I already feel like I'm not hungry enough. After the first 5 days on it, I was having the most incredible pains, and now I don't feel them. Eating last night was a big mistake. I couldn't even get rid of it, I was babysitting at Macy's and if Wes had noticed I was getting sick in the bathroom, he might have mentioned it to his mom. I couldn't have dealt with that. He loves me, and it would have made me look bad, since I wasn't actually sick. Except in my head.
I'm sticking to just coffee, water and a little bit of G2 today. I won't even consider anything else. No more calories than usual. I'll definitely be at the gym longer today too. I can't mess this up. Damn, I'm so angry with myself. I haven't even told my mom I ate last night. She's surprised I was serious about fasting after all of my fluctuating weights when I was younger and had Ana. She didn't know about Ana, of course, but she knew something was wrong. I rarely ate and now that I'm back to my old ways, I'm just worried she'll figure it out. I think maybe mentioning seeing a psychiatrist wasn't the brightest idea either. But I still need to see one, so I'll move on. If she considers it, I'll just lie like I usually do and tell her she must be crazy to think I'd ever do something so stupid, especially when it could kill me.
Better dead, than fat.
I wonder if you can get depressed with Ana. I have all the support I need, but I feel like it's draining me to keep going. I know it's important. It's the most important thing to me ever. Yet, I can't help but think that maybe I'm messing up more than I think. I don't spend a lot of time with my friends - I'm so obsessed with my weight. Which, is a good thing, right? Of course it is. Who am I kidding. I know it's okay. I just need to get some more inspiration and move on from there. I'll be fine. It's no big that I mess up, we all have our weaknesses, right? Right. So, from right now - I won't complain anymore. There's no point in it, seeing as how I know other people out in the Ana community are probably having the same problems, and I doubt very much that they're complaining as much as I do.

October 19, 2009
It's been a couple days since I started this entry, and I forgot to post this. So, I'll finish it now. I guess I could fill you in on the past couple of days. I'm back on track fast wise. I'm losing weight, so I'm happy. I'm in a bad mood though. This weekend, I partied hard. And I did something that messed up my life. I'm trying to pretend it never happened, but people have videos and pictures of me making the biggest mistake of my life. Let's just say, I lost more than just my drink, underwear and bra Saturday night.
I don't know how it even happened. I don't even know when my boy got to the party, I was that messed up. I'm still sick, and it's Monday. I'm sore, and even though at the time it felt good, I'm actually freaking out now. The more I come out of my hysteria and am no longer hung over, I'm starting to be more ashamed and hate myself even more for this. The really sad part is that the other day, I had actually decided that I didn't care about being safe anymore - I wanted this to happen. Now, I'm going back on my word, being hypocritical and it sucks. I'm trying so hard not to worry about what people are saying, but damn. Word's gotten out. We didn't use protection, because we would have needed like 5 boxes of condoms to cover what all we did.
I'm sick in my mind, and to my stomach. I'm afraid drinking so much has left me with alcohol poisoning or something. I don't know. I'm getting my friend Matt to take me to the Health Department after school within the next two days - I need birth control. Not because I plan on doing this again - I won't be doing it again for a very long time, but I do need to take a pack. I can't allow myself to make a mess out of my life by getting pregnant.
My boy's trying not to worry, but he is anyways. I shouldn't be, but I'm absolutely pissed at him. I don't mean to say he took advantage, but he should have known better than to ask me when I was drunk. Like I said, of course I had already decided I was going to do it anyways, but fuck. I just didn't expect to do it so soon, nor did I expect to regret it. My friend Matt thinks he took advantage of me. I don't really agree, seeing as how I actually did think about it when he asked, but I went and did it anyways. I'm just not in the best mood today.
I know this is a different kind of entry, but I felt I should vent about this. I have so much to think about, and I'm worrying like crazy. Anyone who has any advice, any encouragement, or anything to say to me to try and help me through this, it would be much appreciated.

Strive for Perfection. <3

Thursday, October 15, 2009

And you are not it

Day 5 of the fast. It's going well. I'm still kind of stressing though. Not about school or anything, but about something that happened yesterday. Let me explain.
I went to my friend Macy's last night to smoke a few ciggs since I can't smoke at my house, and we were out smoking. She went inside for a few minutes - I was on my third one and all the sudden I felt like I would be sick. So, I put out my smoke and walked into the house. I almost made it to the bathroom before I blacked out. I was only out a few seconds, but it made an impact. I haven't blacked out in such a long time, I wasn't prepared. I'm more prepared now, for if it happens again, but I just need to make sure I keep my blood sugar levels up. It’s just hard to do when I only drink water and sugar-free drinks. Not eating isn't hard or anything, but sometimes when I think about blacking out, it reminds me how important food much be to diabetics and people who suffer from low blood sugar and follow Ana. I feel for those kind of people.
I've made another decision, mainly about what I need to change in my life. I think that I should probably keep the fast going longer. You know, just to see how far I can make it. 5 days left, and I don't honestly know if I'm ready to give up the feeling of Hunger. It's empowering and I thrive with it. I feel better, especially when I feel my stomach in pain, it just reminds me of what I have to lose and how much control I have. It's actually pretty much the most fantastic feeling I've ever had. There's really nothing like it. Especially when you know how much you want something, and after a while, you don't even notice the food missing. Except maybe when you see the weight falling off. (:
Today feels like it's been going by really slow. I'm not even sure why. I haven't done much in school today. I have plans to hit the gym for 2 hours immediately after school, run by the doctor's office and get a flu shot (gross) and then I'm babysitting for a friend while she's out to eat with her beau. Her son's absolutely adorable.
On another note: my friend Macy's having a party Friday and Saturday night. Friday night just a few close friends are coming over and we're going to have a more intimate kind of party. Saturday, we're celebrating a friend of hers birthday and so we're having a complete blow out. It's going to be amazing. I probably won't drink or anything Friday - save any calories I gain for Saturday when everyone's around and I won't have to hold back. I need to Google the calories in all the drinks I usually have to I can total up what I can and can't have.
My stomach's starting to hurt again. Just in time. I'm about to go to the gym. If only the school bell would ring so I could leave this place and get started. I mean, like seriously. I love working out when my stomach hurts. It makes me focus more on sucking in and what I need to work on, once again. Not that I don't feel all the fat on my body, but the idea's the same. I've been trying to find more music to listen to while I work out, when I'm alone but I'm having trouble finding anything new that I like. If anyone has any ideas, let me know please. (:
OH! And I should also mention, I've decided to take things even slower with my boy. He's going to the parties with me, but I'm afraid he might expect something from me, more than I'm willing to give at the moment. I don't mean, you know, sex. I mean like, he might want something more emotional and I'm honestly just not prepared for anything like that at the moment. Maybe after I've seen the shrink and have an idea about why I can't find close attachments to people, then I'll try it, but not until then. I do like him, very much. I just can't seem to make myself want to be something more with him. It's weird. I'm physically attracted, and while I feel like I feel something for him, I know it's just lust, but I'd like for it to be more, which is why I'm working to get better at this whole personality improving thing.
I hope everyone's having a great week, and I'm so glad tomorrow's Friday - and homecoming Friday at that! Wish me luck looking good in the dress I just got. Even though, we all know I won't.

Fast Fantastic, Slim Skin, Starve on Ladies. <3

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Today is a new day

Today was day 3 of my fast. I've lost 2 lbs, and by tomorrow I should be down another 2 lbs. I feel really good, and I've so missed the feeling of being empty. Now, I have to give props to SkinnyLove for fasting along with me, and also because she's finally realized she's got an ED. That's a big deal; it's one thing to think that maybe you do have one, but a whole other thing to understand that you really Have one. So, I say congratulations and good luck with the fast!
So, I've had a pretty good day today. I haven't been hungry or anything, so it's not like I've thought of food much. I mean, seriously. Tomorrow will be the day that decides how this fast is going to go, which I'm pretty sure it will be fine. My stomach growled for the first time in 3 days like, 2 hours ago, and it shocked me. I still didn't and don't feel hungry.
It is now hours later, since I first started this entry. I've figured a couple things out. Mainly, that because of my ever changing moods, which I guess I should explain to you. I'm bipolar. I've known for a couple years, but it's never affected me as much as it had recently. I've basically sheltered myself off from making more friends just because all the people I hang out with are super bitchy, like how I am, except they're that way because they choose to be. I'm sick of being mean to people. I don't mean to be, but it happens. Especially with a medical condition, so tonight I decided that I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist. Yeah, it seems kind of extreme, but if you had to walk around in my head for a day, you'd know it's probably the best thing for me.
Now, no way in hell will my psychiatrist find out about Ana. I won't let that happen, but maybe if I was nicer to people, things would start looking up and I could finally put my full focus on Ana. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. I'll discuss the fact that I'm hateful towards people, and maybe find out why. I think it's more about a necessity for me to figure out what's wrong with me, than what I want. If I had my way, I'd be fine and dandy, but the fact is - I'm mean to people and it should stop. Especially considering everything I put myself through. I have no right to be rude to others, and yet I am. Maybe this guy/woman can help me get on track so I can focus on more important things.
I've actually considered going to see someone about everything before, but I guess I just wasn't ready to admit I had a problem until recently. I seriously need this. Maybe everything will make more sense after I talk to someone. Maybe it won't, but it's worth a shot to me.
The gym today was amazing. I felt so strong. I went without my gym buddy again - since she obviously had better things to do - go out to eat with her dad… anyways. I'm pretty sure I'm happier since I started this fast. I know it's going to take some time, but the results I've gotten so far are making it seem more than worth it. And seriously, this whole taking Benefiber with different drinks I have, omg. It's so working. I'm getting rid of so many bad things in my system, it's crazy. Maybe not crazy, but it's definitely a good thing. (:
And for those of you who are planning to, or doing the fast with me, more power to you. I'm seriously here for anyone who wants to talk about it. I know it's somewhat difficult, considering I'm just getting back into fasting myself, but I've also been here, so I know what to expect.

Alright, so I'm starting to get all shaky (amazing!) so I'm going to go lay down, look at my Vogue and listen to some thinspration. I'll check in again soon. I love you girls.

Stay strong. Think Thin. Fast free. <3

Monday, October 12, 2009

I told another lie today

Today, ladies is my second full day fasting. I've confined myself to only drinking certain liquids, such as fresh fruit juice, water and green tea (diet). Since yesterday, I've already lost a pound. It's very exciting, yes I know! I'm just hoping I can get past the 4 day marker without any problems. I remember making it past day 4 was always the best thing, because after that I can make it for as long as I plan. This time, I'm only doing a 10 day fast, mainly because this is the first fast since I've begun integrating Ana back into my life, so I figured I should start out slowly. It ends on October 21st, if anyone wants to join late. (:
I've decided that I'm really moving on now. I mean, moving past everything dramatic that happened last year. I'm tired of being alone and making up so many excuses. My boy I'm talking to right now, he can handle this. He isn't going to know about Ana, only because I don't know what he would think of me, but I'm not going to hold back from him anymore. I'm sick of excusing myself from our dates because I'm afraid to get too close. If I'm meant to get hurt while with him, then it will happen. I can't make things happen. I also can't know what could have happened without letting it all just go…
Being in control has never been something easy for me to just give up. I hate being out of control. I have to be in control. No one can handle things the way I do, not in the way I like them nor as good of a job as I can. That sounds bad, but it's true. I'm not saying I'm perfect - far from it, but I can handle things much better by myself and in my own way than if I had someone telling me what to do. Which is why I told my mother to forget about dieticians for now, and let me try to work my weight off on my own. She just doesn't know my plans for HOW to get the weight off. I may be lying to her and everyone else I love, but I have no doubt in my mind that they will agree it's worth it when I'm thin.
This week, I've chosen "Courage" by Superchick as my song of the week. It's helped me prepare for this fast, and it's given me ideas to get through it. As for everything else, I just don't know what to do.
I'm cutting this entry short - I have an exam in the morning, I should be studying for. If I don't at least study, I'm just going to bed. I need time to think and relax anyways. Best to all you girls (and guys) going through similar situations.

Think Thin, Stay Strong, Purge Profoundly. <3

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Where are you now?

Today was so stressful, and I fucked up so bad. I ate so much. I didn’t have much of a choice, but I can’t make excuses. I disgust myself. Damnit. I wish I could take it all back, which is exactly what I’m trying to do. I’ve taken a couple laxies and pills, so it should all be gone soon. I hope. I hate when I go to bed and wake up with extra weight. It takes so long for me to get rid of it, and I just need it gone. When it pops back on, it just makes me hate myself even more. I don’t even know how it got so out of hand. I didn’t eat anything for breakfast, as usual. Lunch, mom made me eat a serving of macaroni and cheese with some green beans. No big, I got rid of it. But then, after church, we went to celebrate my grandma’s birthday, and went to Lizard’s Thicket – nasty food. My mom made me eat what I ordered though – grilled cheese with a side salad (I’m vegetarian and they have nothing vegetarian friendly). And then came the cake. THAT NASTY MOTHERFUCKING CAKE. My grandma watched me eat it. She stared at me until she saw I was eating it and had finished it. She even gave me “an extra big slice” because she “knows I love her cake.” She’s wrong. I hate it. Now that I know I want to be skinny, I hate everything she makes. I couldn’t tell her that though. So I suffered through it. And now I hate myself. I hope it was worth all my self-hate Grandma.
Then, I had plans to go to this “major rager” in town, but of course thirty minutes after I got there, the cops were called because the music was too loud, so I left before they caught up with all the underage drinkers. Ha. Thanks for a sucky night. Sometimes I feel like the worlds working against me. Does that sound odd to you? I guess it’s pretty odd to think, but that’s exactly what I think. The world doesn’t want me having fun, so it ruins my good times. Whatever.
I had to go get new glasses, the day after I lost them (yesterday) I had to go to the eye doctor and buy a new pair. I miss my red ones, but my new black ones are just like the red ones, except for color-wise. It sucks, but at least I can see now.
And my plans for after the party got messed up. Now, I’m sitting around doing nothing (except typing this) and checking FaceBook because my date for after the party is still out partying with his friends. We’ll call him C. Well, C – hm. How can I explain my relationship with C? I guess I could just call us friends with benefits. I keep a distance from him mostly because he’s a couple years older. I mean, I’d so totally be all over him to date if it weren’t for the fact that he’s moving soon. Yeah – to pursue his music career. His band’s doing really well and they’re about to start touring with A Day to Remember and all these other similar taste bands. It’s exciting, and don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy for him. I just hate he’s leaving me. And that’s so selfish of me. I’ve only known him a few years, but I feel like he’s deserting me. It might be a good thing though. Whenever I think about it, I lose my appetite. Maybe I’ll just think about it all the time. Save myself any thoughtless eating time. I’m just looking forward to spending as much time with him as possible over the next couple weeks before he leaves.
My thoughts lately have also got me thinking about finally having my cherry popped. Yes ladies, I’m the Virgin Mother. Ha. I’m proud of myself for holding out this long for a good guy. I still don’t have a stable relationship, but I’ve been thinking more and more lately that maybe waiting until I’m married is a bit extreme. Barely any of my friends are virgins anymore. Not saying I only want to lose it so I’m not the only virgin, but they make it seem like no big deal. The only thing for me is that I’m worried that after I do it, I will see it as a bigger deal than all my friends are making it, you know? I’m not sure. It’s not like I’m in a hurry or anything, but I’m starting to think that if I found the right guy, I could possibly make it work.
It’s been a long day – and it will be an even longer next couple of hours waiting for C to get home. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m off to do something to keep my mind off of all the food I ate today – like purge or something. I need inspiration. Help?!

Lonely and Suffering.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Everything Ends

I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about everything in my life, and how I'd like to change it. In order to change it, I need to let go of things holding me back from becoming Brand New, like I would like to be, or at least feel and look. I know it's going to be a tough road, but that's why I'm so glad I have my friends here in the blog community to support me. I'll have my ups and downs, but I'll sure as hell enjoy the ride. So, to begin, I'm going to become more immersed into the idea of devoting myself to Ana. It won't be too difficult, since I know she can help get me through anything, but it just puts more pressure on me to work harder, try harder, do better in order to succeed and make Ana proud.
I messed up quite a bit lately, but I'm back on track now. I've purged myself of everything bad, binged the hell out of myself so I no longer crave those foods and then made a pact with myself to work harder at the gym - even though I already spend two hours there everyday, working out non stop. I know that in order to succeed and make this work, I have to give my all. Not just every couple of days thinking that maybe I should give in, binging because I'm upset, or actually giving up. I need to make sure that I won't question what I'm doing. So, in honor of Ana, I'm redecorating my room. I'm putting up posters of skinny movie stars, anorexic models and good looking actors who will help me to remember how much of a fatty I am every time I enter the room. Because I am, fat, I mean. There's no denying it. Sure, I'm not overweight or obese or anything, but I might as well be - the way I feel. I've given in to food too much over the years, and if I don't stop it now, I may never stop.
So, with Halloween coming up and the need to wear a cute skanky outfit, and me being fat, I need to lose the weight. My plan is to fast every other day, and only eat fruits and veggies (under 300 calories) every day in between. Today will be my fruits and veggies day, since I already had some grapefruit (38 calories). I'm pretty positive this will work. I mean, I'm a vegetarian, and I mostly only eat fruits and veggies anyway, but the big thing will be to add more water to my diet, which is really only a term for what I eat, not an actual diet. You can't technically fast and be on a diet at the same time, so that's why I explained it. Ha. OH! I already picked out my Halloween outfit. I'm going to be a gypsy. I always thought gypsy's were amazing, so I figure why not be something I'm interested in? I mean, it was either that, or a Vampire, and most of my friends would think that was weird, since I have a huge obsession with them. Mainly, because I'm big into reading, and most of the books I've read and bought are about vampires. I mean, it's no big deal or anything, but I don't see why my friends have to be such downers on me. It's not like I walk around dressed like one everyday - but I have a feeling that if I showed up to trick-or-treat fest wearing a vampire costume, they'd make me leave and change or something dumb. Ha. Anyways, the gypsy's skirt is tres short, so I need to work on my thighs like crazy before I even attempt to try on the outfit again. I guess if I can't get my weight down by then, I'll probably just go as a nun or something, wear one of those shapeless dresses so no one can see my fat stomach and legs. UGH. Why do my calves and my arms have to look so fantastic and yet, nothing else can look right?!
The thing with me, is that, even though I have some great features, I never notice them until other people point them out. Like, my boobs for instance. Guys are always noticing them, but honestly - I'd give them up in a heartbeat to be skinny and boobless. Seriously, I need this that bad. It sounds pretty bad, and a lot of guys like me for my boobs, but I want to be liked because I'm beautiful and skinny - not "pretty with big boobs" you know? I don't know, maybe I'm trying to make something work here that just isn't there.
Update on Boy Toy: So, we're hanging out more regularly (when I don't have to hit the gym to punish myself for getting too comfortable around him) and things are going pretty well. It's obvious he likes me, but I don't know why. I can't ask him, he might think I'm insecure, which I'm seriously not. I just need to know why he likes me. A girl always wants to know, right? I mean, there's nothing wrong with being curious. Especially when he's this major jaw-dropper and I have absolutely no looks compared to him. Guys like him have always noticed me, and I've hooked up with them, but only for random hook-ups. He actually likes me, for me. Or so I think. Lords knows, this could be about some bet he lost or what not. I hope it's not, I mean how high school dramatic movie is that? Ha. We went out and walked the train tracks behind our neighborhood the other night (YES! He lives down the street!) and held hands. It was so sweet. And kind of scary, but he said he'd take care of me if anything happened, and not to worry. So I didn't. Worry that is, I was shivering over our closeness, which he took as if I was cold, so we went back to his house and snuggled on his bed and watched Family Guy. Romantic, huh? You'd think it wouldn't be, but it was nice. (:
Other parts of my Life: Not going as great. I mean, everything's cool with school. I do well in all my classes, but I also don't hang out with my friends as often. I get up, get ready, go to school, hit the gym immediately after, go home, shower, do homework, check Facebook, watch a little of Bones and then pass out. That's EVERY SINGLE DAY for me. Seriously, nothing every really changes, until the weekend when I spend Saturday outside trying to get as much exercise as possible, Saturday night I usually go out with my friend Brent, and he's gay so it's not big. Sunday I usually sleep in, get ready, spend the afternoon with Boy Toy and then hit the gym later in the afternoon before I make sure I have all my homework done, go to bed and wake up and do the same damn routine as every other weekday. I feel as though I don't have a life, as if something's taking it over, but I like it. I know Ana's becoming a more prominent member in my life, and I thank her for that. Sure, I miss hanging out with my friends more and more, but I also lose weight and feel more comfortable when I'm working out than I ever did.
"I'd like to think the best of me, but every time I look at me I feel like throwing UP!"

Stay Strong. Think Thin. Blaze Baby.<3