Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I never thought.

I miss Ana. I've tried to avoid her for so long, but it's no longer working. I blame myself for everything anymore. I've lost weight, even though I started trying to live without her, but it's not enough anymore. I still feel as though things won't get any better. And, go figure - I'm depressed, and seeing a therapist.

No time like the present to try and resolve my problems with Ana and follow her advice again. I've missed her so much. It's tiresome to always worry about how I look, but I want to feel like I mean something again. I want to be able to constantly try on clothes and them be bigger on me every day. I miss it.

I'm going through all the blogs I follow tonight, and those that follow me and just catch up on how everyone else is doing. Hopefully good, because I plan to get back on here and check up on everyone again. Just like old times.

Think Thin. <3

Friday, October 8, 2010

New Blog.


Check it out if you like. It's something new & different from this, so I hope you like it. <3

Monday, October 4, 2010

I found myself.

It's difficult for us all to sit there and wonder how far we still have to go before we can fully understand the nature of our very own lives and if they will or won't be significant to anyone at some point in time. People never consider how many lives they may have already touched or at that very moment touching. Whether it be someone close to you, someone you don't even know, someone you would like to know, or someone you would never even notice, you do have the power to influence someone, whether you can actually see it or not.

Take for instance my boyfriend. We've been together for 4 months now, and every single day I notice something different about me, like my attitude seems more positive, my jeans are fitting better, or I just feel like I could do more things within a day, unlike the very same schedule I followed for oh so long. I've grown as a person thanks to having him around, and they aren't even that obvious of changes, but they are in fact there.

I wonder if say, 20 people read my blog or your blog every day and wondered if everything you've typed and entered was real, or if you just jot down things you think people would like to hear. Honestly? I've never felt the need to lie to anyone, especially over a blog - this is for my personal journey with Ana and everyone else who is either helping or hindering me along the way - so, why would I want to cover up the truth about my life? I wouldn't. So, starting today, I'm beginning a new kind of conceptive writing. I'll post a picture of myself on a new blog every day. The Blog will be entitled Virgin Ears - An Expression of Honesty. It seems kind of strange, but it will work for now. I'll add a link the next time I post.

I hope everyone's doing well with the adventure alongside Ana. I'm sure I would be proud of you all. Good luck girls. <3

Monday, June 28, 2010


I've got a terrifying feeling my boyfriend is going to find this blog. He was
asking about it. I'm not sure whether or not to destroy it or not. I've been thinking
for a couple weeks I would start this up again. I need it, and I've been missing
the vent time. I haven't had any time whatsoever lately. Reading everyone's latest
blog entries has made me miss it like crazy. I'm still with Ana. She keeps me from
eating, day or night, and I feel like I owe it to her.

I really don't know what I'd do it he found it. I mean, if he lied when he said he
wouldn't look for it - Michael, stop reading this now. I can't have you knowing my
secrets. You won't like it and nothing good will come from you knowing things
before I'm ready to tell you. You promised - if you break it, and I find out, we're

By the way ladies, I'm down more. I'm starting the salt diet tomorrow for 14
days, and then a week break and beginning the lemonade diet. Apparently,
it works? We'll see. I'm keeping tabs on all of you ladies.

Think Thin and Stay Positive. <3

Monday, May 31, 2010

I don’t really get on much anymore. Things in my life have been absolutely topsy turvy. All the drama with the last boy has basically burned out. We’re kind of friends now – at least we talk more than we used to, even when we were, well whatever we were. I’ve been talking to another guy, and things are going really well. Well enough that we’re about to date – I haven’t really felt the need for a title with this kid, basically because I know how much he likes me. And how much I like him. And we actually talk about, to where it’s not something unspoken. We’ve been on several dates, and I just love being around him. I’ve become less self-conscience when it comes to my appearance. I mean, I make sure I “look good” but at the same time, I don’t constantly wonder how fat he thinks I am. Even though the boy is a stick. I’m not letting it bother me this time. I’m still not eating a lot, of course – but I’ve kept my weight down and I don’t feel the need to regurgitate everything I eat – I only eat food that’s easy to get rid of or won’t affect my weight – like empty calories. Being a vegetarian is helping me out way more than I remembered when I was younger and fighting with Ana because of all the heavy meats I would eat.
I just finished my Junior year of high school. I’m so glad it’s over, and I barely remember anything from this year anyways. It was way tough – not school wise, but with everything that happened. I’m just ready for a new beginning, and it seems like it’s finally possible for me to have that. My new boy, he’s everything I want & need in a guy. It’s actually pretty incredible that he likes me. I won’t take it for granted though. I don’t need him – it’s just a want to have him around – I wouldn’t ever become dependent on a guy, who if he knew absolutely everything about me (and didn’t like it) would leave me for anything to do with who I really am. I’ll let him in eventually, but for the time being, I’m only going to let him see what he NEEDS to see at this point. The rest will fall into place as this progresses. I’m not sure whether or not I’ll tell him about Ana. He knows I’m not a fan of food, but he doesn’t know EVERYTHING, and I just hope one day, if I ever do tell him, he’ll understand and not judge me like I know most guys would. He’s different. Different than Spiderman was – and I’m proud to say, when my Asian (my new boy) tells me he doesn’t judge, he’s serious and doesn’t. He’s also way open about everything. I know basically everything I’ve ever wanted to know about him – ever since I met him, and I didn’t even have to ask him all of it. A lot of it, he just offered up, no questions asked. He knows I want to know him. He just doesn’t know why I hold so much back. The thing is, he lives 45 minutes away from me, otherwise I’d probably have to tell him more, but considering I only see him a couple times a month, since he has a job and not a lot of free time, I don’t have to tell him so much – just the obvious information dealing and going on at the time. I think I needed something like this. I needed something like him. But, whether or not I stay with him, I’ll continue to be happy. I will never base all my happiness on one person. I’m too strong and way too independent for that.
Anyways, I hope everything is going well for all of you. I think about you all, quite often. Be good girls. <3

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Everchanging & Unsure.

We talked; kind of. I went to his house and we hung out; kind of. I wanted to jump him; but I didn't. I'm glad I didn't too. I think that would have made things awkward. We've decided we're going to talk about dating, eventually. I don't know when, I guess the next time we're alone, which I don't know when that will be, but we will, and I have a feeling it's not going to happen. I won't even mind now. I mean, I want to date him, but I wouldn't work out as a good girlfriend for him anyways, with all the problems I have, and I would never want to push him into something he's not ready for. I did tell him one day that I would like him to know that even if he chose to date a girl, I would be okay with him. And he said what about me? As in, he could date me. But we both know, deep down it won't work. And even though the attempt might seem worth it now, I have a feeling I would be upset if I lost him even as a friend because of a stupid decision on my part. He's a great guy, he really is, but I can't lose myself in this fight over whether or not I should or shouldn't try harder to make things work. I just don't have the strength anymore.

I'm not going to bring up the idea of making it work with him again. I just can't deal with it. I feel like I'm either wasting my time or being rejected by being put off over and over. "We'll talk about it in person." It's total BS, and I'm getting tired of waiting for something more to come from it.
-----------------------------> <------------------------------------ It's been a couple of weeks since I started this entry, but I figure now is as good time as any to continue it. Spiderman and I have been through a shake up. He decided we should just stay friends, and I was fine with that. Then he wouldn't respond to my texts or messages, so I went on Skype one day, like I usually do, looking for him to see what was up. The surprise I found awaiting me wasn't a good one. He had freaking kicked me out of the Skype room. My other friends who go in there (all his guy friends) told me they weren't sure what was up. I guess that would be because they didn't know we were "talking" or attempting to talk. I'm just pissed. So, I text him and told him I thought he was being immature about it. Because, I know he is being immature. A lot's gone down since then and he still ignores me. I've never had someone treat me that bad without a cause. He said he's pissed because apparently I offended him when we were talking and he decided we were just friends. I told him I never knew why I liked him - and I didn't mean that in a rude way. I was just being honest. I just liked everything about him, I guess. I never had just one concrete reason, and unfortunately he took it wrong. So, he's been ignoring me because he expects an apology, so I'm going to try and talk to him after school today when I go see my friend Rudy. He has a cast and is forcing me to draw something or other on it. Wish me luck kids.

Friday, April 9, 2010

I'll hate to see you go.

It's been a while since my last post. I've been busy trying to sort things out.
I guess I could explain, but it's a lot of bullshit mostly. Especially with this new guy
I've been seeing. Yeah, needless to say, as much as I love being around him and
feeling the need to be around him 24/7, things won't work out. He's going off to
college after the end of this summer, and even though he'll only be an hour away,
we both know things won't work.
I'm considering just stopping being his friend because everything is just too complex
and complicated with us. One minute he'll be calling me his "love" and the next we won't
even know what to say to each other. It's getting nerve-wracking, and I'm already
exhausted from him and it's only been a month.
I don't know what it is about him that keeps me going back to him, but apparently,
and his friend and my bestfriend both told me it's because he has "mad game" I mean,
who even believes in that shit, other than guys? Ah, I don't know. I'm trying not to
focus on it. Either way, he met another girl while at the beach this week - it's Spring
Break - and I guess he's interested in her, so I might as well just move on.
No matter how hard it's going to be for me.

On another note, I'm losing again. I've done pretty well, and I've had plenty of
inspiration - having to go to the beach and wear a bathing suit, knowing I'm not good
enough for this guy, knowing I'm not good enough for any guy at this point, the ciggs
are definitely a helper as well. I'll be down several pounds by the end of this SB. I'm
glad for it too. I'm tired of never feeling good enough.

I'll post again soon. I hope everyone's doing well. <3

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Where has worrying gotten us?

I'm thinking things are starting to look up. I realized, finally, that everyone has their
bad days, and I'm no different than anyone else in that way. Things may not be great,
but at the same time, they are. I'm good with my friends. Well, one of them at least.
One of my friends has been being pretty bitchy to me lately, and I know she has a lot on
her plate, but she doesn't realize we all do. Me especially. She's not the friend I've let in
on my little issue. But, I don't think telling her would help. She thinks the world revolves
around her, and she's wrong. We're all wrong if we let that idea get to our heads.

Anyways, I hope everyone's doing okay. I'd like to hear from you. (:

Friday, February 26, 2010


Is there something wrong with wanting to be wanted? Wanting to be with someone
and have them tell you everything you want to hear? Wanting to get rid of all the bad
things revolving around you? I don't think so. So, why do I get so much shit for it?
Sex, drugs and alcohol are all normalcies to teenagers, so why is it only some of us get
shit for it, while the others go untaunted, unrejected, unwanted?
I don't mean unrejected or unwanted in a sexual sense, but in a relationship sense. I don't
actually like relationships, don't get me wrong, but I'm tired of guys only wanting my body.
I'm not even comfortable with my body, and yet it's what boys want. Is there something
wrong with this picture? I think so. Agree, or don't. It's whatev.
I had a long night again. I moved onto number 4 of the list. I switched numbers though.
My orignial number 4 wasn't around, so I just picked another. He was good. The pain was
great, and I look forward to being sore as hell in the morning. I just wish things weren't
so complicated. This latest guy, no matter what he says, wants to be more than just fuck
buddies, and that bothers the hell out of me.
If only he knew how fucked up I really am. I don't think he knows, but I'm taking advantage
of this situation. I know he wants me. I also know he wants to ask me out, but I just
want him for sex, if for anything at all. He needs to figure that out before I end up hurting
the poor kid.

I sound like such a bitch. Luckily for me, I am, so I can use it as an excuse.

I hope everyone else is doing better than me, at least. <3

Thursday, February 18, 2010

I want to be able to see the distance from the Road.

I'm actually content with life right now. I think things could
possibly start looking up. I'm actually excited to go out and be with
my friends again. I'm looking forward to the time I get to spend with
them and the time I get by myself, and in that time, I don't feel so
alone anymore.
My relationship with Ana is so back on track, it's crazy. I don't
feel the need to feed my emotions. It's a great feeling, and even though
I know I'll never be cured, I also know that deep down, I know this is
the right thing for me. I just wish I had been this secure months ago...

I love you all, from the bottom of my non-existent heart. <3

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

And The Winner Is.

Of course it was Brad. First off, let me just say that I have a new outlook on all things
boys. I don't look at them and wonder if I think they're cute anymore. I basically see
a boy and ask myself "Would you fuck him; yes or no?" And move forward from there.
I'm sick, apparently. I'm fat and I love sex. It's a literal obsession. Which makes me sick,
right? I thought so. I think so, still.
I don't know what's gotten into me. I actually snuck out the other night to go
off with a guy. We had sex in his car. In the backseat. While listening to that stupid
band Owl City. Talk about lame.
I don't really mind that I'm becoming a nympho. I don't actually mind
it at all whatsoever. No one at school knows. Everything thinks I'm just this
cute like Catholic girl, waiting until marriage to fuck. Oh, how wrong they are.
I coined a term recently, to describe myself: Closet Whore. Considering not many
people know about how I really am. They also don't know I'm anorexic, or maybe
that's not the right way to put it. They don't know I wrestle with Ana on a daily
basis. I'm far from being anorexic - now that is.
I've decided that, because I've become more into being naked with guys, that this
is definitely a boost in the right direction. It makes me more body conscience.
Anyways, I just felt like everyone should know - since no one else does.
Stay strong, and LIVE.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

"Something New"

I need hope for a new tomorrow. I need something to help me get by.
The illegal substances, they don't seem to work anymore. I feel like
I should lay in bed all day, and do absolutely nothing.

I couldn't live that way, I know. I'm too much of a person who needs
change, and movement. And music. And cigarettes, and interaction. I
definitely need the interaction. Not talking, so much. Just touch.
I need to feel like I'm really here.

I cut to prove I'm alive. I refuse to eat to prove my body can make it
without food. I smoke to prove my lungs are still working, even if they
have changed to the color black, rather than that ugly pink color.

Black. That color amazes me. I look good when I wear black. It's my staple
wardrobe color. I look fat in black. I never look good. Who am I kidding?

I want to change my name. Move away from here. Start all over. Find different
friends. Ones who can still relate to me, but won't ask the inevitable questions.
"Are you alright?" Of course I'm not fucking alright.

I can't bare to have attention on me. I would rather someone's hands all
over me. Grasping for me, like if they let go, they'll fall into some bottomless
pit that is neverending.

Define for me what life is. Tell me why I'm here. Tell me why I'm allowed
to hurt so much. Tell me exactly what is it I'm doing wrong here. I don't feel
like I'm a bad person, but if I'm a good person, too much shit happens to me.

I just needed to vent. Sorry it's so fucking depressing. I just need something
new, some space, something more like my mood.

I hope everyone's doing good, better than me at least. <3

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Time is Everything.

Tonight, for the first time, I cut my wrist. I didn't make deep marks, but they're visible. I see my handiwork, and I hate myself for it. I should know better than to try hurt myself given what just happened to my friend. I've gotten so tired of being the strong one. It's to hard. I shouldn't have to be so strong, no matter the situation. I just feel like giving up so many times throughout the day, and then when night comes, it gets even harder. During the day, I can be with my two best friends I still have, enjoy their company, and think about better things. When I'm alone, I can't stand thinking, because it only hurts me even more. The pain, I miss.
I'm starting another fast, until my friend gets out of hospital. Only liquid. I don't know how long he'll be in there, but I'll do whatever it takes. Maybe, the hunger will grow so intense, I won't feel anything anymore. I'm just so exhausted mentally, and the pain, mental pain, is just so excruciating. It's definitely taking it's toll on me, and I want it to go away.
I went for a walk tonight, and while I was out there at my spot, I laid down to look at the moon, and lost myself. It was amazing. When I came to, my mom was calling my cell phone wondering where I was. I told her. "Get home now." She sent me that in a text when I started walking back. What the fuck did she think I was doing, star gazing? I mean, I don't know. I understand she's stressed. She's reacting to what happened to my friend. When I got home, I tried telling her what happened. "I don't care. You don't care about me, and I'm sick of it. And I'm making you an appointment to talk to someone." I told her she was crazy if she thought I was going to see someone, but if she was already calling, to make herself an appointment. She needs it way more than I do. She just doesn't get it.
The other night was a perfect example of why she should get help. I took a bath, so I could shave my legs. She took one look at me walking towards the bath tub with a razor and freaked. "What are you doing with that?"
"Shaving my legs, what else?"
"No you're not."

Yeah, I was just going to shave my legs, but you know what she was thinking? I was going to cut my wrists and kill myself. If I'm angry at what my friend has done, it's the way he's made my mom react towards me. I would never consider killing myself. I'm being selfish right now, but I enjoy living. I don't understand his reasoning, but things must have been much worse than he led on. I, on the other hand, am perfectly stable and am completely sick of my mom tiptoeing around me as if anything she might say wrong could upset me. Sure, I've had several mental break downs, but it's only after I see something that reminds me of my friend, or something that just takes my breath away. I've become so much more in-tune with everything in my life, and sometimes I don’t think it's such a good thing.
Everything has me stressing now. I'm smoking almost a pack a day because of it all. It's my only release. Besides me hooking up with that guy the other night, I've had nothing to help. My friends are working through this themselves, but I still feel responsible for taking care of them. Being strong for them. And normally, under any other condition, I would be fine doing so. It's just that I was close to him too, and it's hard to work through my own feelings and thoughts added to theirs. M's mom doesn't understand her. She never has, so she doesn't have the mom I do, and it hurts her. She needs someone like a mom to help her through this since her own mother has my sympathy for her. J's doing okay, his mom knows, and understands, but they're not close, so I stick close to him to make sure things are okay. He's also got some other friends who can help, but M only has J and I, now that my boy's in the hospital.
I don't know how everything's going to work out. I know he'll be okay, but I need to hear something from his parents soon, or I'll continue to have break downs. I need to know he's okay. Even if he's not mentally sane, I need to know that he hasn't physically harmed himself in any way. I don't know what I'll do if he does or has. I need him around, and even though I've told him so on several occasions, I don't know if he ever took any of it seriously. I love the boy, and honestly, if he had gone through with it, I don't know what I'd be doing right now. Maybe sitting in the room next to him in the psyche ward. Who can tell? I'd say "God knows" but I don't know what I believe in anymore. It makes things more difficult as well, considering I used to rely on prayer a lot, but I can't pray to someone who would let something like this happen, especially to someone I love.

Anyways, I have too many problems at the moment to work out, but I'll eventually be okay. Like my favorite quote says, "Keep Moving Forward." I'm working on it, Walt.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Weight Listed.

I'm at 141, since this whole thing started, I lost over 5 pounds. I'd be happy if I knew it was something I was doing on my own, without all the stress. I know it's just because of being emotionally drained and far from being attached to food, despite the depression. Still no word about my friend. He's in the hospital, but his parents haven't called me or my friends to let us know what's up. I don't know how much more silence from them I can take. They must not know how much we're struggling with this.
I talked to the guy I lost my virginity to for the first time in months today. I thought I could handle it, but he's just hurt me so bad, I ended up crying and just feeling worse about basically everything. I was lonely, and when this guy I used to hook up with texted me, I said I'd hang with him., I shouldn't have. I did, but I know it was wrong. Especially considering I'm talking to this really sweet new guy…

I'm just messed up all around. I don't know what help there is for me.

Saturday, January 23, 2010


One of my very best friends tried to committ suicide on this past Wednsday.
I'm not sure how I'm even functioning.
I've lost weight. I'm not even proud of it though. I have no desire to eat without
knowing what went wrong.

I'm just trying to explain my absence, and I don't know when I'll be back.
Stay strong girls, and always know that even if everything gets completely
and unbelievably difficult, there are ways to cope. Life is so worth living.

Goodnight sweets. <3>

Monday, January 18, 2010

"It's a hole in the wall, it's a dirty free for all."

I partied way too much this weekend. I mean, I love it, don't get me wrong, but
still. It was a bit much. I didn't gain any weight though, so I think it was alright.
I'm starting my whole life over today, just so you know. I just need to make some
changes, not with Ana, but with the other aspects of my life. I'll need some help
though, so that means I need support.
I know we support each other with Ana, but it would mean a lot to me if everyone
would support me right now, given I'm still fighting to stay with Ana, and making
outside changes.
I'm actually about to go hang out with my friends - you know, the intellectual
ones, and I'm so looking forward to it.
Do good today, my pretties. <3

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Life goes on.

I had a fun night tonight. I think this good feeling should last. My
fast was broken tonight - I ate part of a salted pretzel thanks to my friend
Jamie. He's so cute, and he didn't want to eat it all, or waste it, so I ate some.
It's out of my system now, but I still feel bad about it. Otherwise, I feel
amazing. I'm just so glad I have control over things now. So, I'm starting another
fast tomorrow! It's exciting, I love going so long on fasts. (:
Get it girls. <3

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Trial and Error.

So, I have a couple of questions for you Ana girls. To begin with:
Do you have a set religion?
Why did you choose Ana to be your best friend?
Was the reason something to do with any of the following;
An escape into a different world.
A matter of personal trauma.
To feel heard.
To have the feeling someone else is going through the same things.
Find friends.
Reality check.
I'm not sure why I'm asking, to be honest. I guess I just wanted to know, so I could get to know other perspectives than my own. Let me be perfectly clear - my life is in no way perfect, but my family life is amazing. I'm super close to my mom. My dad's a great man, a real man. He knows life and everything about it. My sisters, well they understand me better than my parents, but they’re also the least similar to me in every way. They're both beautiful and thin. I've always been jealous of my oldest sister, but at least I'm told I look just like her. She's beautiful, not in the conventional cookie-cutter way, but in the way that makes you do double takes, maybe even triple takes, just to prove she's real.
I'm not unhappy. I'm sure of myself. Self-confidence is something I have never lacked in. It makes me wonder why I chose to blog my ideals and trials with Ana. I think it's a mixture of a lot of things, but I think I might be able to work out the reasoning even better if I had an idea of what others felt on the subject.
I've been with that same group of friends tonight, and they really remind me how smart I am. I love being able to speak with intellectual people rather than the people I hang out with normally. I always feel so much smarter than most people, but these kids, they keep me grounded. I can only hope that you all have people like you that you can share intense, almost life-changing conversations with. I don't know what I would do without them - yeah, they're that amazing. They've turned me onto some simply amazing things lately, especially books. I'm a lover of reading literature. I forget that sometimes, but lately, it's just become more apparent to me, and everyone else.
I think a lot about religion. I'm catholic, if I haven't ever presented that tidbit of information to you all. I grew up a strict catholic, a huge believer in the faith, but lately I've questioned it a lot. I'm not saying I don't believe in God anymore, don't get me wrong. I just came to realize lately that there is a lot of unexplained things in the world I want to understand better. The friends I'm always with, they're all agnostic. So, that might be one of the reasons I've thought so much on the topic lately. Honestly, I'm such a science person. I like to have substantial evidence of most everything, and I can't find anything hardcore on whether or not God exists. I don't think I could ever believe in blind-Faith ever again after the conversations I've had recently.
I also think there is a lot of things, controversial things, that I would love the explanations to. I don't think we ever went to the moon, basically because I've seen the film of the so called "trip to the moon" and things in it just don't make sense: The moon rotates, but the background of the film doesn't change. There is no wind on the moon, but the flag waves. You know, it just doesn't work. I can't believe in it. I think the biggest thing that bothers me about the whole God thing, is that I could never tell my mom I wasn't sure about Him. I would love to be able to just see everything the way most people do, but unfortunately, I'm not sure how to anymore. I even went to Catholic school growing up, and I still don't know why I could believe everything I heard so easily growing up. I guess it was just the influence of religion so young, being brainwashed. I think that's wrong. I just don't know what I could ever do about it, or whether or not I could do anything about it.
I need to find something I believe in. I'm just having a lot of trouble. I wish I could say that everything was as simple as so many people do, but what if they're wrong? What's wrong with questioning your beliefs every now and then. Someone very wise once said that maturity is shown when you are constantly questioning your beliefs and constantly changing your opinion. Otherwise, you'll stay in your ignorance forever. I don't want to be ignorant. I may be wrong about things, but it's what I believe, and it shouldn't have to be looked down upon. I would never force my views on anyone, but I do love a good debate and I think you can't really win a debate. If it's your opinion, it can't be wrong. Opinions are neither wrong nor right, so who's to say anyone has the right to judge you for it?
Alright, so I'm getting way too philosophical right now, so change of subject. I'm doing well on the fast. I had to break it for a few hours today since the parents were home, but I chucked it all back up, so I'm not worried. I'm right back on track, and it was the only mess up in like, 15 days, so I would say I'm doing just fine.
Well, good luck to all of you out there, and just know, I believe in you. <3

Monday, January 11, 2010


Today's going to be a better day. It has to be.

Weight today: 143.4. Better than yesterday, still not losing quickly enough.

Friday, January 8, 2010


I think I'm going to embrace a new concept on life. Live it for me, and no one else. I'm sick of always wondering what other people think of me, I mean, it's my life and I should be able to live it the way I want to, right? That would be correct, as I answer my own question. I'm one of those weird girls who sits around thinking to herself everything in the world that I happen to hear talked about, and it just makes things seem more real to me. I don't get impatient with myself like I do with other people. I'm just happier knowing I know my own mind, rather than being one of those silly girls who follow someone else. I mean, seriously. Give me a freaking break, I know it's hard to do stuff by yourself sometimes, but everyone really needs to figure out who they are. Learning that the only person you can rely on, is yourself, is just about the best thing in the world to understand. I stopped relying on other people a long time ago, and for good reasons. I'm sick of everything in my life being based on what other people expect of me, rather than what I expect of myself.
On the Ana front, I'm down 2 more pounds. I need to start updating the other parts of my blog to show the loss, but I haven't had much time to do anything but a quick post. Venting, I suppose. And again, I'd like to say how much I appreciate comments. They help me out, more than anyone of you can ever know.

Stay strong ladies. <3

Thursday, January 7, 2010

'I'm sick of living on False Hopes.'

Ever wonder who you're going to be when you grow up? Ever think about if Ana will still be an integral part of your life? I do, and I know right now she will be. She's my best friend. The one who understands me, even when I don't fully understand myself. It's a relief really, knowing she's looking out for me. I don't know what I would do without her. I mean, I honestly can't imagine what my life would have been like if she hadn't walked into my life and taken control. I would just be another blind, idiotic girl who thought people cared about me no matter how I look. I was thinking about it, as I was smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee at Waffle House, which is like my second home now, and I realized I don't have many friends like Ana. No one who pushes me to be a better person, to look like a better person. I realize I'm not that old, seventeen sure makes me feel old though. I was also considering how things have changed since I found Ana.
At one point in my life, I would have been just like any other teenage girl, filled with the usual teenage angst that comes along, dealing with nothing bigger than who I'm dating and how much I like the person. I just didn't know before Ana that I don't truly like people at all. I love my individual time. I'm no loner, by any means, I have plenty of friends, but I don't know if they're real friends. I'm ashamed to say it, but it's true. And not to sound vain, because apparently I'm not, but I'm a pretty girl. I'm told all the time that I am, but I would much rather be the skinny girl, than the pretty girl. That's the total opposite of what I felt before Ana. I owe everything to her.
Things in my life have never been more difficult to deal with as they are now, but I feel at peace knowing Ana has my back. She wants me to succeed in the one thing I really care about. Being thin. It's probably sick to most people who would read this blog and think I'm just another 'sick' girl…another lost soul who doesn't know the true meaning of life and being happy. Well, they're wrong. Seriously. I don't know about anyone else, but I'll be happy when I'm skinny and have a better love life. That's probably not the best way to explain it, but it's how it is. I want to be able to have fun with guys without worrying about if I'm crushing them beneath me. Another thing, I've been thinking about the guy I messed things up with by having sex with him. I've been thinking about it almost non-stop since it happened. I'm hurt, yeah sure. Whatevs. The fact of the matter is that I shouldn’t care. He hurt me, betrayed my trust, lost my trust, lost me. I don't know what more I could do for him. I gave him the only thing I was holding onto harder than Ana, and he screwed me over. He shouldn't mean anything to me. Yet, the fact of that matter altogether is that I do care. I suck. I guess it's normal, but I thought I meant a little to him. After all, we were really close, but he fucked up. His loss. I'd like to try something out on you guys, anyone who reads this entry anyways…I'm going to start writing a note to him, and tell me if you think I should send it or not, I'd love some advice on how to handle this, here goes.
Dear Jackass,
I gave you the best of me. I gave you my trust. I have you my heart. I gave you my virginity. I thought I was giving you everything you'd ever want. I was wrong. You slept with me, used me and now I feel dirty, filthy, all the time. I can't talk to a guy without wondering if they would have done the same thing you did to me. I never want to be with a guy again, thanks to you. I want to be able to open up to someone, but you've fucked me up. I don't know if I'll recover from this anytime soon. I relied on you. I trusted you. You even knew I wanted to wait. Maybe not until I was married, but at least until I was ready. I gave in to you. Do you even want to know why? I wanted to give you something no one else had. Everything. I guess I'm not important enough for you. I guess I never was important to you at all. "I guess there's just this weird attraction between us. There always has been, maybe it was supposed to be this way. I'll always find you attractive, I guess." That's what you said to me the first time we made out. We should have stopped then, but no. I gave up more than just that for you. I gave you my time. Time wasted, when I could have been happy with someone who actually cared. I held onto the idea maybe we'd be something more. That's why I cheated on Matt with you. I fucking made mistake after mistake with you. You said it'd be okay, "you just don't like him enough to not cheat on him." Lies. I liked him big time, but I hadn't gotten over you. I don't think I ever will. Who's fault is that? Mine, I can't even blame you for it. I'm tired of wondering what I did wrong. I don't need an answer. Your silence is enough for me. Please never look at me again. I don't need the stress or your apologies. Although, you're not the apology type, are you?

What do you think? Too much, maybe? I don't know. I think it sounds fabu. I'm being a bit of a bitch right now, but if you only understood. He ruined everything for me, when I finally thought I had things on track. Did I ever mention he was the reason I became Ana in the first place? I wasn't even fat back then. After we kept having problems, I would binge, purge, but I'd gain immense amounts of weight. That jerk has no idea his effect on me. A million times I've told myself he's not worth the stress, but I've always fallen back on it. I promise myself to ignore him, but when he seems so innocent and everything, I just cave. I need to stop doing that, already.
I'd just like to say that I really love reading everyone's blogs. During class, when I'm sitting looking at Thinspration, it gets kind of old, so when I check out the blogs, I feel at home. It's a nice feeling knowing that I'm not alone out there. That there are other girls fighting for the image they want. It makes me happy, especially when I'm not feeling fantastic.
I'm sick of the people at my school who think they know everything. They don't know anything if they think they know everything. People need to realize that if you think you know everything, you don't. The ones, like myself, who realized a long time ago that I don't know everything understand that there is so much out there that we don't understand. Like, how a guy can hurt a girl so much. Or how a girl can put herself through so much all because of a simple comment or nasty look. People just don't realize how serious body language is. It lies to you, remember that and you'll stay on the right side of the line between truth and lies. I've decided that while I don't need friends, I will keep the ones I have until I leave for college, after senior year. I really wish I had doubled up so I could finish this year, but I thought I might want to stay around. I was wrong, apparently.
Back on the topic of the jerk, I don't understand why I haven't been able to move on. It's like, I've always believed strongly in the fact that everything happens for a reason, and that life's what you make it, but I can't help thinking that I'm making life suck for myself by not moving on…
I don't know. I'm resolving to move on. It might take some time, but I think I'm strong enough to do it. I've been strong enough not to eat for 10 days, so I think I can handle some asshole guy hurting me. I'm sure I can, actually. It wouldn't be the first time I got over him hurting me anyways. The worst part of this whole thing is that he's the only boy who's ever really hurt me. He's the only one I've ever allowed to hurt me. It's like what Eleanor Roosevelt said, " No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." He's the only one I through my consent away for. I made that mistake once, it will never happen again. I hope. Well, I'm through feeling sorry for myself. And I just want to remind everyone that no matter what anyone does to you, you can figure out a way to move above it all. You don't need those people who talk down or look down to you, you're both special and beautiful, even if you don't think so. Never let anyone make you feel the way I've felt. No girl deserves that.
And I've also forgotten to mention, today is day 11 of the fast, and I'm down another 2 pounds. (:

Good luck, think thin, be thin, live thin. <3>

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Definitely the best thing for me. I don't know how I'd make it through the day without coffee and cigarettes. <3

Stay Strong today ladies. (:

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

'Mama said there'd be days like this...'

So, day nine of my fast. I don't feel quite as sick anymore. It's actually starting to make me feel normal again, thankfully. I don't know how much more of the 'being sick' I could possibly take. Considering I was seriously sick, it's good to be getting better. At least I'll be able to control my eating without any choice at all. Which, is kind of dumb when I think about it, but I'm super controlling, so I guess it isn't that weird. I guess I'm just not in the mood to have something else judge whether or not I can eat, but me. I think this week is going to be okay. I have exams, like I've already pointed out in latter postings, but I'm finally starting to feel like I'll be alright with this. I can use a cheat sheet for one of them, and it's the only one I was worried about. (:
After school yesterday, I went and hung out with some friends. Let's call them Ash, Trish and Eric. I'm using fake names for them, just for their own privacy. Anyways, so we all went to Waffle House to get some coffee and smoke. It was fantastic, and considering how often I go get coffee and just sit in the re to smoke, that's saying something. After we finished up there, Trish and I headed to this spot in my neighborhood where we usually go and park and we walked along the dirt road behind houses just smoking and enjoying silence. She's a lot like me, but then again, she's absolutely nothing like me. While I'm brunette, have hazel eyes, a bigger body, and style (ha) she's a red head, has blue eyes, a bit thinner than me, and she's kind of just awkward - that's being polite. But damn if the girl isn't smart, and that's one of the main reasons I enjoy her company. Everyone else I hang out with is either lame in the way they're too preppy for me, or they talk too much shit about people. She's not like that - she's much more mature, like myself. Thank God. I'd probably go crazy without at least one person trying to keep me sane. And luckily, she's in my AP and Honors classes, so I'm not the only smart one in there, either. (:
I don't know for sure when I'll complete this fast. I'm not getting hungry, but I'm also not getting very thirsty, so I think I'll up the work outs and create a reason to keep drinking. And I'm wondering if anyone out there does anything different diet wise. I understand fasting, and restricting, but is there anything in particular someone can do to lose the pounds quicker? Like, a certain food they only eat or something like that? Since my mom's starting to worry about me not eating, I don't know how much longer I can keep it up, and I don't want to start eating until I have an idea about what I SHOULD be eating compared to what I think I should be eating.
I'm obsessed with coffee and cigarettes. I haven't gone a whole day without having both of them since I started drinking coffee over the summer. Before I'd just make it through the day with the cigarettes, but now I need them both or I'm in a bad mood all the time. It's weird, but that's how obsession works, I suppose. I'm guessing I'm not the only one who drinks it, but I love how it makes me feel as though I don't need food, which is why it goes so well with cigarettes and weed, because it keeps down cravings amazingly.
My jeans are starting to feel less tight, lucky for me. I mean, I usually get the right size, but the ones I got that were smaller than needed, for inspiration to lose the weight, are fitting better. Much better. I've only been back with Ana for a couple weeks. I think this time I can really get focused. Considering how much I partied and smoked over the Christmas break and how much I've been sick, I don't think I have to worry about gaining any weight anytime soon.
Mom asked me if I'm planning on going to the prom this year - I suppose I am, but I don't know who I'll go with. I don't really want to go with a group, but I'd prefer a group to going solo, but then again I don't know how much I want just a date, you know? It's all so confusing. I'll have to start dating again, because I don't want to go to prom and have my date expect things from me he hasn't earned, and I don't do things with boys I don't know. I wouldn't plan on having sex, or anything, but come on. Prom to boys is just another way to get in a girls pants. Everyone knows that. I'm no good at dating though. I'm what they call a recycler. Ha, it's pathetic. I'm forever breaking up with, and then getting back together with guys I've dated a thousand times. It's not so bad, since we can usually get right back into the whole dating scene without the awkward first date and first kiss, but it's never the same after that first date and first kiss, you know? I like the excitement and the butterflies that come with dating, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for it right now. I would love to be, sure, but what about if he found out about this blog and my condition? What if he didn't want me after that? What if he tried to 'fix' me? I just couldn't handle any of that. And, with my luck he would find out almost immediately about this. Or, weirder, he might actually already know about the blog. Ha, yeah right. Not a chance. (:
I'm just spacing, I suppose. I can't keep on topic this morning, probably because I'm listening to music at the same time as typing. I'm in class, which is why I've got to much free time. We have nothing to do thanks to the exams, but it's all good. I was actually lame enough yesterday to go on Barnes and Noble.com and order a book during this class. I got the e-mail this morning saying it's been shipped. Ha. Maybe I should have given them the school address, seeing as how I bought it while in school…but there would be questions from the school, and that's just not worth it.
I've been listening to 90's music so much lately, it's weird. I mean, it's crazy how I remember almost ever song I hear, just because I never considered that I would ever remember them, and actually doing it is beyond insane. A couple indie bands I love have been doing whole records remaking 90's music, and omg it's amazing. I can't get enough of it. I can't even explain it. All the teenage angst music of today compared to the music we grew up with is just so different, I almost feel free when I listen to it. Takes me back to easier times, not worrying about guys, or anything except for how I looked - and pathetically enough, I haven't changed on that issue. Don't get me wrong, I should care how I look, since other people do, but I want to care because of ME, not because I'm trying to impress others.

Sorry, this has been a sappy post, but it's all good. Get it girl, get it, get it, girls. <3

Monday, January 4, 2010

'Careless Whisper'

Today's the first day back from break. Ugh, so not looking forward to exams this week, but it's just going to help me with Ana, so I'm all for it. (: So, it's been a week since my last food travesty. I tried eating, but because I've been drinking and smoking so much, but body won't let me eat, and I can barely keep down drink without feeling like I'll be sick. Oh well, it's helped so more. Down 4 more, so it's definitely worth it in my eyes. I just wish I didn't feel so nasty all the time. Hopefully I'll be in more control and just choose not to eat by the end of this week. Either that, or my mom's going to make me go see a doctor. I keep telling her I don't feel good - but she's all like, "maybe you should try eating again" but I don't feel like getting sick, again. I mean damn. I spent the late morning of New Year's hugging Johnny, so yeah. I think I'm good for another year with the whole throw up thing. Ha. Anyways, with exams stressing me, I haven't even considered starting to worry about next semester, but I guess I should. I have all four core classes. It basically sucks, but I chose to double up on science this year, so it's my own damn fault.
I'm so lucky to have a new texting buddy. I still text with some old ones, but this new one is fabu. Same age, same issues. It's definitely going to work out. And btw, my title does indeed represent that song 'Careless Whisper' by George Michaels. It's pathetic, but it's catchy and makes me feel better. I don't know why, it's not even a happy song. Ha. Anyways…

-----------------------------------------------------> <----------------------------------------

I need to get centered again. I guess this break was a good thing, and it came up at the perfect time. I wasn't home like, any of the time, so I didn't have my mom around to pressure me into eating every hour. Ha, I mean she's never tried to feed me that much, but you get the point. I'm just ready to have school over with, for real. On the real, I'm ready for summer. I plan to be at least 20 pounds lighter, and be able to keep it off, maybe even more. I mean, I can lose it super fast, but the problem is getting my body to keep it gone. Which, I'm sure other people have issues with too. Oh, and everyone, fantastic revelation! Rap music makes you not want to eat. As long as you find music that's dance-worthy, you'll stay thirsty maybe, but sure as hell you won't be hungry if you feel like dancing. Try it out, and I promise you, it'll work. (:

Well, I'm chill for now on this…so I'll post later. Good luck kids. <3

Saturday, January 2, 2010

"Not Even Slightly Impressed"

My New Years Resolution: Drink & Don't Let Anyone Ruin Your Good Time. And it was hella chill, btw. I had a great time, and for the week leading up to last night, I haven't eaten a thing - and this morning when I weighed in, I was down at least 4 pounds. Thank the lord. I wasn't thinking, "Oh I won't lose anything." Because I knew I would, especially considering the fact I over-drank night before last and threw up any and everything I had had to drink…
I'm way proud of myself. I didn't sleep around with anyone while I was at the party New Year's. I almost did, supposedly but I was not even slightly impressed by anyone there. Sure, I kissed a bunch of guys when midnight came around, just because everyone was going around in a circle and thought it funny, but I didn't find anyone I was super into. Which, isn't much of a shock considering I don't know what I want in a guy anymore.
I've been feeling sick as hell lately. I mean, I can't eat - and although that's a great thing for me - I miss when I have the choice to eat and I choose not to, at the moment I have no choice and I feel like it's my body trying to tell me something. It's not the best feeling in the world, but I'll deal. I just hate being sick.
I'm considering doing some New Year's clothes shopping today - but I don't know if I'm really in the mood right now. I mean, other than feeling sick, I'm still hung over, and I got way high night before last and last night, so I'm feeling kind of sick in that way too. No lies, it was completely worth it, but still.
Now, I've decided I need another New Years Resolution that doesn't have anything to do with the one I've already achieved. Maybe I should Resolve to become more engrossed in Ana? But see, that idea, while it's commendable, isn't for me. I could Resolve to try be a nicer person, maybe focus on making new friends? But see, that idea, which commendable, is stupid considering how much I don't like the people I'm already friends with or anyone else from my hell hole of a school. See - I'm just having too much trouble figuring this out, which is probably why I can never keep up with my Resolutions. It's like my friend said New Years Night : "Life's temporary; like New Years Resolutions." She's a prophet. Ha. (:
And now, considering the fact that I've lost almost my normal 2 day weight loss in under 2 days, I think I may be able to relax today. I mean, I want to go shopping, just grab some non-descript shirts and sweaters, and then maybe I'll hit my gym this afternoon, who knows. It seems like my newer posts are much shorter than the original ones, but when I have more time, I'll make it up to everyone.

Wish my luck kids. <3