HUGE.

My god. I haven't felt this fat in weeks. I don't know what it is. Maybe the fact I had sex with my boyfriend last night, and it was just strange because all I was thinking the whole time was that I wish I was smaller - for him. I want him to be proud of me, not ashamed.

I want him to want me on his arm.

I want him to want to be seen with me.

I want him to be able to pick me up like he always threatens to do.

I want him to be able to try new things with a thin girlfriend.

Mainly, I want him to leave me so I'll have something more to be upset about and maybe actually lose this weight quicker.

I also know that if he left me, I'd become so depressed, I would probably fall back into eating all of the time. I hate that, but I guess I'm better off making him suffer being with me than him leaving me.

I'm so selfish. I just wish I could lose more weight. I'm at 130. A steady 130, but it's still too much. I just can't seem to get over this plateau. I would like for something who actually understands this to help me out.

Does anyone really know how to help though?

Bearing the Burden of a Secret Storm.

I work at a daycare. I assume I’ve already mentioned this once or even twice before, but it’s true. I work with kids because I cannot stand people my own age or adults who don’t know their head from their asses. The women at work are still watching me, waiting for me to eat and then run to the bathroom to purge like I used to. I just don’t eat while I’m there anymore. I buy a Monster and the beginning of the day, and it lasts until I get off work. When I go home, if I have to eat, I eat a little bit of fruit and a little bit of veggies. I still with this on most of my days.

It’s finally warming up a tad bit so that I’ve started walking/jogging again. I’ll start running next week if it gets warmer, but the cold air, while it does good for my lungs, makes it difficult to keep running once I begin. I continuously do my night time work out, which consists of various movements from crunchless abs and stretched and such I remember from cheerleading, and crunches. The jumping jacks we did for cheerleading are different compared to the normal ones, but they’re more advanced and work much more than just normal ones do. I think I may begin to jump rope again. It’s been quite some time, and I used to be pro at it.

Perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m worried I won’t get to my goal weight anytime soon. Well, my first one, anyways. I’m at 131 as of this morning, and I should be at 125. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or if I am even doing anything wrong. It’s frustrating, but I suppose I chose this, so I must see it through. I never give up on something once I start it. Quitters fail and never try again. I’m no quitter.

I’m almost feeling happier mentally lately. I suppose the working out bringing out more endorphins had been good for me, but I also have to thank the medicines I’m on. (Even if I do still believe they are just placebo pills and it’s all in my mind.) Lol. Whatever works. I don’t have therapy again until the 8^th, but I kind of miss it. I like being able to talk to someone who is outside of my life and it gives me a new perspective. I need a new outlook. Perceptions from others help me form these outlooks.

I’m such a waste of space. Too much space, it’s disgusting. And I hate how everyone acts like I’m not gross to look at, but whatever. I got a hoodie I ordered finally. It’s black, so it looks slimming, but it’s also kind of big on me, (even being a small!) and my boyfriend thinks I look good in it, so I think I’ll wear it as often as I like.

Alright, my thought processes are going a little haywire at the moment, so I’ll continue this another day when I can keep my thoughts in line and actually see this screen.

Stay Thin! <3

LOST.

I've been eating normally again for the past week or so. Some days I eat an actual meal (just one) and that's it, some days I'll eat some sort of fruit and that's it. I haven't gained, I lost a little, but it's not enough. My boyfriend got on me about the whole eating thing again last night when we went to dinner for his friend's birthday. I should have known he would watch me when I ate. I got a cheeseburger with fries - yes, I actually ate it all - but there was no weight gain because it went right through me.

I'm worried about how my weight will be effected when I go to college. If I ever almost gain the "freshman fifthteen" I'll probably kill someone.

Boyfriend thinks we should move in together - mainly because he thinks I'm going to stay here and go to college here. I want out of this place though. We'll see what happens.

I just hope all of you wonderful girls out there keep up with your blogs. I miss reading. <3