Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Cry Baby.

Sometime's, I start to wonder why any of us do this to ourselves. Is our society so corrupt that we cannot allow ourselves to look the way we are? We should all be beautiful, but I suppose that's why we're all in this. To change that. To feel beautiful. To look beautiful.

I was running away from my boyfriend last night when he came over and laughing, and he finally caught me and just looked at me. I felt exactly what he was thinking when he looked at me that way. He wonders if I'm really laughing or if it's fake laughter. I wish I could have told him then and there it was real, but then I started wondering the same thing. How could I possibly be able to enjoy something and laugh when I have so much I want to change about myself?

I can't laugh at myself for the problems I have. Most of them are psyche problems, but all the same, I can't laugh at it. I wish with everything I have I could just laugh everything off like I did when I was a kid, but things changed, I matured, I started hating myself and now this is the result.

I'm only happy when he's around. My boyfriend, that is. I'm still utterly self-conscious, but he makes me feel like I don't need to be. I guess I'm just happy he's happy when he's with me, so I feel a little bit better when he's around. I explained to him everything I want to do, and when I was reading online yesterday, I took a little survey thing to find out my ideal weight, and it said 118. I was thinking, "Oh, I would just be happy to be 125 again." But, in the back of my mind, I knew I would never just stop at 125. I could pretend right now that I would, but this being so much more of a psychological issue than a physical issue, I wouldn't let it go.

Despite the strange feelings building up in me as I write this all down, I still think that Ana is one of the best things I've ever had happen to me. I'm still losing, I'm working out, working on my abs especially and running again, which is amazing to me since I still smoke, but I don't get out of breath, thank goodness.

I hope all of you girls are doing well and will continue to allow me to read your blogs. I love the inspiration I feel reading every single one of them.

Good luck. <3