Epiphany.

I woke up this morning with this amazing thought - I can do this. I'm still fluctuating between 130 and 132, but it's because of these damn constant binges. It's not like I WANT it to happen. It makes me super disappointed in myself that I can't control myself.

Starting today, however, I'm going to try this so-called GM diet. Or, better yet, I'm fasting today and attempting that diet starting tomorrow, since I don't currently have fruits with me - I'm in class.

On another note, I don't have my class at college today, so I'm going straight to work after I leave this hell-hole called High School. It won't be so bad today, at least. Did I mention I work with kids? Seeing their tiny bodies is so helpful. They're constantly questioning why I'm not eating though, which kind of makes me sad, but when they do it, I just tell them I already ate before I got there.

The women I work with thought for a while I was bulimic. It's kind of funny, because I am, but I went on this whole dramatic rage at work one day calling out the girl who said it because she heard me throwing up, and just lied and told them I was sick. I don't like lying to people, but I also don't want it getting back to my mom. I don't think she could handle it with me already being in therapy.

I'm ready for a change. I know everyone says that, but for the first time in a LONG time, I actually mean it. My psychiatrist said that he could see a "real change" in my progress when I went to see him yesterday. We'll see what my therapist says when I see her on Tuesday.

I'm not trying to do better because of the whole therapy thing. My mind is improving without the stresses of everything up until recently. The school schedule I had, the people I hung out with, the lack of sleep and so on, so forth. I guess I'm just trying to keep myself calm.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I'm bipolar. And I have OCD. And, they haven't figured out why I don't want to be checked out for the whole ADHD thing, and honestly - I don't want the stigma that comes with being ADHD. L0l. That sounds kind of weird, I know - but I've been hospitalized enough times to know that those kinds of people get shit for it all the time, and I'd prefer not to get that.

I miss being able to run. It's been damn near impossible around here lately due to the snow. Stupid state can't handle a little bit of snow. I hate the South. I hate America, to be honest. I want to get out of here so bad, but obviously, until I graduate high school and go to college, I won't be able to. As soon as I do though, I'm out of here. I'd bet a lot on it.

How about my boyfriend starting arguing with me the other night about why I won't let him read this blog. I have another one, that my real-life friends can read and it doesn't mention my eating habits, but he knows I have two and can't stand that I won't let him read it. I just know he won't like what it says. He also asked me, "What would you do if I found it anyways?" And I told him, "Break up with you." He can hate me for it, but I don't want him thinking about everything I'm going through while we're dating. That's more information than he needs to know, except he does know about the whole bulimia thing...he just doesn't know I don't want to stop...

I hope everyone who's still blogging updates soon. I love reading them during class! <3

No chance, No way.

I want to be skinny. Please make me skinny.

I'm tired of living in the body of a fat girl. It's gross and I feel weighed down

thanks to all this excessive weight it has. Who can live like this? That's right - fat girls. I shouldn't be a fat girl though. I know I'm not meant to live like this. So,

what the fuck happened to me that made me get stuck this way?

I'm tired of ranting and bitching. I just need to do something about it. Starting tomorrow, no food anymore. Every three days I'll eat, but nothing more than that. And all I'll have is some sort of fruit or vegetable without any calories involved, and start taking fiber and protein pills.

We'll see how this works out. As for the rest of you, I really do miss seeing

your posts, but it seems a lot of you aren't posting anymore. What a shame.

I never thought.

I miss Ana. I've tried to avoid her for so long, but it's no longer working. I blame myself for everything anymore. I've lost weight, even though I started trying to live without her, but it's not enough anymore. I still feel as though things won't get any better. And, go figure - I'm depressed, and seeing a therapist.

No time like the present to try and resolve my problems with Ana and follow her advice again. I've missed her so much. It's tiresome to always worry about how I look, but I want to feel like I mean something again. I want to be able to constantly try on clothes and them be bigger on me every day. I miss it.

I'm going through all the blogs I follow tonight, and those that follow me and just catch up on how everyone else is doing. Hopefully good, because I plan to get back on here and check up on everyone again. Just like old times.

Think Thin. <3

New Blog.

http://quirkycynic.blogspot.com/


Check it out if you like. It's something new & different from this, so I hope you like it. <3

I found myself.

It's difficult for us all to sit there and wonder how far we still have to go before we can fully understand the nature of our very own lives and if they will or won't be significant to anyone at some point in time. People never consider how many lives they may have already touched or at that very moment touching. Whether it be someone close to you, someone you don't even know, someone you would like to know, or someone you would never even notice, you do have the power to influence someone, whether you can actually see it or not.

Take for instance my boyfriend. We've been together for 4 months now, and every single day I notice something different about me, like my attitude seems more positive, my jeans are fitting better, or I just feel like I could do more things within a day, unlike the very same schedule I followed for oh so long. I've grown as a person thanks to having him around, and they aren't even that obvious of changes, but they are in fact there.

I wonder if say, 20 people read my blog or your blog every day and wondered if everything you've typed and entered was real, or if you just jot down things you think people would like to hear. Honestly? I've never felt the need to lie to anyone, especially over a blog - this is for my personal journey with Ana and everyone else who is either helping or hindering me along the way - so, why would I want to cover up the truth about my life? I wouldn't. So, starting today, I'm beginning a new kind of conceptive writing. I'll post a picture of myself on a new blog every day. The Blog will be entitled Virgin Ears - An Expression of Honesty. It seems kind of strange, but it will work for now. I'll add a link the next time I post.


I hope everyone's doing well with the adventure alongside Ana. I'm sure I would be proud of you all. Good luck girls. <3

Boyfriend.

I've got a terrifying feeling my boyfriend is going to find this blog. He was

asking about it. I'm not sure whether or not to destroy it or not. I've been thinking

for a couple weeks I would start this up again. I need it, and I've been missing

the vent time. I haven't had any time whatsoever lately. Reading everyone's latest

blog entries has made me miss it like crazy. I'm still with Ana. She keeps me from

eating, day or night, and I feel like I owe it to her.

I really don't know what I'd do it he found it. I mean, if he lied when he said he

wouldn't look for it - Michael, stop reading this now. I can't have you knowing my

secrets. You won't like it and nothing good will come from you knowing things

before I'm ready to tell you. You promised - if you break it, and I find out, we're

over.

By the way ladies, I'm down more. I'm starting the salt diet tomorrow for 14

days, and then a week break and beginning the lemonade diet. Apparently,

it works? We'll see. I'm keeping tabs on all of you ladies.

Think Thin and Stay Positive. <3

I don’t really get on much anymore. Things in my life have been absolutely topsy turvy. All the drama with the last boy has basically burned out. We’re kind of friends now – at least we talk more than we used to, even when we were, well whatever we were. I’ve been talking to another guy, and things are going really well. Well enough that we’re about to date – I haven’t really felt the need for a title with this kid, basically because I know how much he likes me. And how much I like him. And we actually talk about, to where it’s not something unspoken. We’ve been on several dates, and I just love being around him. I’ve become less self-conscience when it comes to my appearance. I mean, I make sure I “look good” but at the same time, I don’t constantly wonder how fat he thinks I am. Even though the boy is a stick. I’m not letting it bother me this time. I’m still not eating a lot, of course – but I’ve kept my weight down and I don’t feel the need to regurgitate everything I eat – I only eat food that’s easy to get rid of or won’t affect my weight – like empty calories. Being a vegetarian is helping me out way more than I remembered when I was younger and fighting with Ana because of all the heavy meats I would eat.
I just finished my Junior year of high school. I’m so glad it’s over, and I barely remember anything from this year anyways. It was way tough – not school wise, but with everything that happened. I’m just ready for a new beginning, and it seems like it’s finally possible for me to have that. My new boy, he’s everything I want & need in a guy. It’s actually pretty incredible that he likes me. I won’t take it for granted though. I don’t need him – it’s just a want to have him around – I wouldn’t ever become dependent on a guy, who if he knew absolutely everything about me (and didn’t like it) would leave me for anything to do with who I really am. I’ll let him in eventually, but for the time being, I’m only going to let him see what he NEEDS to see at this point. The rest will fall into place as this progresses. I’m not sure whether or not I’ll tell him about Ana. He knows I’m not a fan of food, but he doesn’t know EVERYTHING, and I just hope one day, if I ever do tell him, he’ll understand and not judge me like I know most guys would. He’s different. Different than Spiderman was – and I’m proud to say, when my Asian (my new boy) tells me he doesn’t judge, he’s serious and doesn’t. He’s also way open about everything. I know basically everything I’ve ever wanted to know about him – ever since I met him, and I didn’t even have to ask him all of it. A lot of it, he just offered up, no questions asked. He knows I want to know him. He just doesn’t know why I hold so much back. The thing is, he lives 45 minutes away from me, otherwise I’d probably have to tell him more, but considering I only see him a couple times a month, since he has a job and not a lot of free time, I don’t have to tell him so much – just the obvious information dealing and going on at the time. I think I needed something like this. I needed something like him. But, whether or not I stay with him, I’ll continue to be happy. I will never base all my happiness on one person. I’m too strong and way too independent for that.
Anyways, I hope everything is going well for all of you. I think about you all, quite often. Be good girls. <3