Saturday, February 6, 2010
I need hope for a new tomorrow. I need something to help me get by.
The illegal substances, they don't seem to work anymore. I feel like
I should lay in bed all day, and do absolutely nothing.
I couldn't live that way, I know. I'm too much of a person who needs
change, and movement. And music. And cigarettes, and interaction. I
definitely need the interaction. Not talking, so much. Just touch.
I need to feel like I'm really here.
I cut to prove I'm alive. I refuse to eat to prove my body can make it
without food. I smoke to prove my lungs are still working, even if they
have changed to the color black, rather than that ugly pink color.
Black. That color amazes me. I look good when I wear black. It's my staple
wardrobe color. I look fat in black. I never look good. Who am I kidding?
I want to change my name. Move away from here. Start all over. Find different
friends. Ones who can still relate to me, but won't ask the inevitable questions.
"Are you alright?" Of course I'm not fucking alright.
I can't bare to have attention on me. I would rather someone's hands all
over me. Grasping for me, like if they let go, they'll fall into some bottomless
pit that is neverending.
Define for me what life is. Tell me why I'm here. Tell me why I'm allowed
to hurt so much. Tell me exactly what is it I'm doing wrong here. I don't feel
like I'm a bad person, but if I'm a good person, too much shit happens to me.
I just needed to vent. Sorry it's so fucking depressing. I just need something
new, some space, something more like my mood.
I hope everyone's doing good, better than me at least. <3