Friday, February 4, 2011

Bearing the Burden of a Secret Storm.

I work at a daycare. I assume I’ve already mentioned this once or even twice before, but it’s true. I work with kids because I cannot stand people my own age or adults who don’t know their head from their asses. The women at work are still watching me, waiting for me to eat and then run to the bathroom to purge like I used to. I just don’t eat while I’m there anymore. I buy a Monster and the beginning of the day, and it lasts until I get off work. When I go home, if I have to eat, I eat a little bit of fruit and a little bit of veggies. I still with this on most of my days.

It’s finally warming up a tad bit so that I’ve started walking/jogging again. I’ll start running next week if it gets warmer, but the cold air, while it does good for my lungs, makes it difficult to keep running once I begin. I continuously do my night time work out, which consists of various movements from crunchless abs and stretched and such I remember from cheerleading, and crunches. The jumping jacks we did for cheerleading are different compared to the normal ones, but they’re more advanced and work much more than just normal ones do. I think I may begin to jump rope again. It’s been quite some time, and I used to be pro at it.

Perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m worried I won’t get to my goal weight anytime soon. Well, my first one, anyways. I’m at 131 as of this morning, and I should be at 125. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or if I am even doing anything wrong. It’s frustrating, but I suppose I chose this, so I must see it through. I never give up on something once I start it. Quitters fail and never try again. I’m no quitter.

I’m almost feeling happier mentally lately. I suppose the working out bringing out more endorphins had been good for me, but I also have to thank the medicines I’m on. (Even if I do still believe they are just placebo pills and it’s all in my mind.) Lol. Whatever works. I don’t have therapy again until the 8th, but I kind of miss it. I like being able to talk to someone who is outside of my life and it gives me a new perspective. I need a new outlook. Perceptions from others help me form these outlooks.

I’m such a waste of space. Too much space, it’s disgusting. And I hate how everyone acts like I’m not gross to look at, but whatever. I got a hoodie I ordered finally. It’s black, so it looks slimming, but it’s also kind of big on me, (even being a small!) and my boyfriend thinks I look good in it, so I think I’ll wear it as often as I like.

Alright, my thought processes are going a little haywire at the moment, so I’ll continue this another day when I can keep my thoughts in line and actually see this screen.

Stay Thin! <3

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