Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Closer to Christmas; :/

I know I shouldn’t complain about the upcoming Holiday, but things haven't been going so great lately. I seriously haven't gained anything, but I'm also still the same as the last time I blogged. I assume most of my readers think I'm dead, or just ignoring everything. Well, you're wrong. I've been keeping up with my own readers, so I've been able to see how well everyone else is doing. I can honestly say I'm impressed with many of my girls out there for staying strong and actually keeping up with their blogs. I look forward to reading everyone's blogs, no matter who it is.
By the way, I'd like to also just go ahead and let everyone know that the situation with my 'boy' is finally over and everything is actually getting better for me. I'm not 100 percent yet, but I'm getting there, I promise. I'm actually thinking that as long as I try and stay positive, things will get better and better, you know ? I made a promise recently. I'm getting back on track with Ana, even if it kills me.
Christmas this year, oh yeah. It's going to be tough. I won't want to eat, of course, but I'll be forced to, knowing my mother. She's obsessed with making sure I eat. I hate that about her. Maybe if I had like, a naturally fast metabolism, I'd be okay with it, but hello - I obviously don't. I'll just have to try my best to keep away from foods.
Okay, so for Christmas, I would die for a car. I mean, seriously. I'm seventeen freaking years old, and I still don't have my own car. Both my older sisters had their own cars by the time they were my age, and I still don't. It sucks, majorly. I'd absolutely love to get an SUV, especially if it's a Volvo, I'm absolutely obsessed with them! I don't really know what else I could have for Christmas that would make me happy other than a car, you know ?
I'm just sick of waiting for a car. I mean, I've been driving for a while now, and yet I still don't have a car that I can rely on at all times. I'm bored with the whole "Mom, can I borrow your car?" thing. I'm about ready to completely get out of this damn place I'm in, and yet without a car I can't go anywhere.

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It's raining today. Like, extremely crazy weather. I don't mind the cold so much, but the whole it's pouring rain is pissing me off. I'm in an actual good mood at the moment, and yet as soon as I think about the rain pouring, I get upset. It's weird. I usually love the rain, and yet today it seems different. Probably because it reminds me of how I can't cry anymore. That's another recent problem of mine. I was considering the whole boy situation the other day, and I figured out something important. I thought when he asked me to sleep with him, he felt something for me. I thought it was a sign that we were meant to be something more. Obviously, I was wrong. So, I was thinking about it and it hit me that I hadn't had a good cry in a while, so I thought "Hey! You need a good cry, so go find a good movie that can get you crying and enjoy it." Well, it didn't work. I even tried thinking of really sad things, but it didn't work either. I haven't been able to cry in months now, which is confusing to me.
Maybe I just need something worse to happen to me than ruining my life over this whole virginity thing. It's whatever. I need support, someone help me?

Stay Strong.


  1. Oh crying doesn't just happen!!! Besides, the fact that you aren't bawling your eyes out shows that maybe boy wasn't that important to you either.
    Also, hope you get a car for christmas! I feel so inept now, I can't even DRIVE. I'm going to get my permit and take driver's ed classes this summer tho.
    Good luck with christmas, and be happy you haven't gained anything, even over thanksgiving, trust me, some have not been so lucky.
    Scarlet <3
    PS: welcome back!

  2. it is going to take you awhile to let go of losing your virginity. i lost mine at fifteen to a rape. 3 years later and i still hurt from it. It feels like an empty hole in your heart, like somethings missing. I'd give anything to have that back.