Wednesday, December 16, 2009

"Broken and Confused..."

Ever wonder why things go the way they do? Yeah, me too. I've been questioning a lot lately which is kind of making me sick. I'm mostly questioning everything religion wise, which is insane, considering how tiring it makes me. I had a really long and serious discussion with my friend last night after this thing at school called a Thirst Lecture and it was about how different religions celebrate in Winter. So, it had us discussing religion and what we figured out was that religion is truly just another way for the government to control the masses. Maybe it's all fake. There was this movie, which is more like a documentary that my friend sent me about how fake religion truly is, and it makes me question things even further. I won't give examples, since this blog isn't usually about religion, but it's not helping me figure anything out - just makes me wonder why I'm always falling for the crap people tell us.
I've been keeping up with different blogs from my followers, and also the people I follow and I've got to say I'm not disappointed at all. I'm proud of everyone for keeping up with Ana and I'm glad everyone's doing good. We just all have to keep in mind that problems will definitely come along, but we have to move past them if we want to get to the point we need.
As for me, I'm not doing that great. Not in the whole, Ana thing, but basically because everything in my life is making me more and more stressed lately. It's not that I'm trying to stress, but with exams and everything, I'm wondering if maybe I should become Buddhist and try reach Nirvana, and possibly like, make myself not worry about it anymore.

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Yeah, so my school is having step team tryouts today. Can you say lame ? I'm not sure I've ever heard of anything so stupid. Especially considering all the wannabe black girls who are going to show up and probably make it, but only because they'll be the only ones to show. I don't understand how they can't just get it together and play a real sport. It's ridiculous. I used to think it might be fun to be on some sort of school dance team, but when I saw the turn out for it my freshman year, I just about peed myself and decided maybe it was for the best that dance was only a class you can take at school, rather than something that competes and represents the whole student body. It's embarrassing, I tell you. And this is also way off topic from what I was talking about. I just can't seem to keep my mind on the same subject for long periods of time. Is that a sign of ADD ? If it is, I definitely qualify to have it. Damn. I haven't blogged in so long, I feel like I'm losing my touch. This morning, during first block, my teacher decided we were going to watch a movie rather than take a test, which I didn't mind at all of course, and then it turned out that the movie was Julie and Julia, which just made me want to blog even more. I've missed it, but I've been so busy and stressed, I haven't had time to add anything new. I'm working on making time so that I can keep up with everybody because I feel absolutely and positively left out. Always getting notifications of everyone else's blog, and then I just don’t' put up anything new ? That's so wrong of me. Plus, I love the interaction of a blog. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not alone in the world out here. I'm looking forward to the holidays, and while I'm saying that, I'm also thinking to myself about how much I'm not. Of course, I want a car, but that's not really important at the moment, now is it ? What's important is keeping up with Ana and making a difference - a visible difference in my life. I've decided a Christmas Fast is in order. I'd appreciate the support and I'll support anyone who decides to join me in this challenge. I wouldn't ask anyone to do it with me, but if you offer…I wouldn’t feel so bad. Ha.
On another note - I've decided that maybe dating is a possibility again. With everything being so stressful, maybe a boy would be a good thing to have around, take some of the pressure off. As long as the guy knew from the start that I wasn't going to be playing games. I need a boy who respects me, but most of all one that respects my need to be alone most of the time. I'd like a boy I could have around me a lot, but also one I wouldn’t have to worry about constantly. I'm not saying I'd want some closed, but I'd like to know a guy who wouldn't go around doing stuff with all sorts of girls while he's got me with him. I know that doesn't make sense, but I don't share very well. Either he'd deal with the way things would have to be, or I can just find someone else. I don't need something serious, but I also would like a guy I could trust. Although, I'm sounding awfully hypocritical, considering the circumstances. And my need of all these things makes me wonder if I can even find a guy like that, especially since most of the good guys at my school, and even outside of the school, I've already dated, and recycled - so there aren't many choices without choosing a guy younger than me. Which I guess could be a good thing - they have less experience with the whole dating scene, and most guys who love to have an older girlfriend. Hm, I'll seriously consider this… I keep switching topics, but it's obviously what I'm good at. In case I've never mentioned it, I'm a girl with a whole lot of ideas - I read several books a day. I'm also quite fond of locking myself in my room, taking long walks in on cold winter nights just to think things over, and I have this crazy hunger for cigarettes every time I think about them. Which is something I shouldn't have just mentioned because now I feel as thought I REALLY need one. Which is ridiculous, but at the same time seems like a sign - a sign saying that I should probably stop smoking so much and find something else to be addicted to - and I've even considered what I could do instead of smoking; have lots and lots of innocent sex, become an alcoholic, chew gum incessantly, or even start collecting something or other - but alas, I like smoking too much to stop it. Ha. (:
Okay, so there's this guy who wants to fight me…which is hilarious, because I think I could totally take him. Ha, we've been at each other's throats for years, all because he's liked me and won't freaking admit it. Which, I kind of prefer that he didn't mention it, mostly because I don't feel the same, but the idea's still there. I'd like for us to be friends, but it seems like that will never happen since we never stop fighting - even through text messages. It's dank, but it should probably stop. He doesn't actually hurt my feelings, but at the same time, it bothers me. And then there's this other guy, who I've mentioned before, but there's so much to say about him, it's crazy. He's like, one of my very favorite people in the world, and I've dated him a couple of times in the past. It's just funny because his sister sent me a post on Facebook one day about how she thinks we should date again, and ever since I've felt myself actually considering it. I mean, it's not that I don't like him, because I do - a lot, actually. It's more the fact that he's tiny and I'm well, not. It's kind of sick of me to actually pay attention to that, but if you saw this boy, you'd know what I mean. I'm working on my problems, so I don't really want to bring him into my messed up mind, but at the same time, I feel like I'm being drawn to him, but I'm so not sure why.
And on that note, I'll take my leave for the time being. I'm just sitting in class as it is, and it appears I'm needed to do some shelving. Ha, right. Me doing work in this class - it's a crazy idea. Anyways, I hope everyone's doing okay, and I'd love for anyone up for it to join me in my Christmas Fast - It starts tomorrow, December 17th, 2009.

------> Stay Strong my Sweets. <3


  1. Yes, yes, yes, christmas fast!!!!! I will join you because I need a real fast like yesterday. Is it all water or liquid? Email me babe, here it is again (in case you lost it, haha):
    Scarlet <3

  2. Wow, that covered a lot of topics! Lol. Glad to hear you and Ana are still going strong, and I always thought it'd be cool to have some kind of a school team too. Ever since I saw Bring It On a few years ago, I always wanted to be a cheerleader, but the idea never caught on with my school :(
    I'm totally with you for a Christmas fast starting tomorrow - god knows I need it, I haven't properly fasted in so long it makes me sick.
    Stay strong girl♥