Weight Listed.

I'm at 141, since this whole thing started, I lost over 5 pounds. I'd be happy if I knew it was something I was doing on my own, without all the stress. I know it's just because of being emotionally drained and far from being attached to food, despite the depression. Still no word about my friend. He's in the hospital, but his parents haven't called me or my friends to let us know what's up. I don't know how much more silence from them I can take. They must not know how much we're struggling with this.
I talked to the guy I lost my virginity to for the first time in months today. I thought I could handle it, but he's just hurt me so bad, I ended up crying and just feeling worse about basically everything. I was lonely, and when this guy I used to hook up with texted me, I said I'd hang with him., I shouldn't have. I did, but I know it was wrong. Especially considering I'm talking to this really sweet new guy…






I'm just messed up all around. I don't know what help there is for me.

Suicide.

One of my very best friends tried to committ suicide on this past Wednsday.
I'm not sure how I'm even functioning.
I've lost weight. I'm not even proud of it though. I have no desire to eat without
knowing what went wrong.

I'm just trying to explain my absence, and I don't know when I'll be back.
Stay strong girls, and always know that even if everything gets completely
and unbelievably difficult, there are ways to cope. Life is so worth living.


Goodnight sweets. <3>

"It's a hole in the wall, it's a dirty free for all."

I partied way too much this weekend. I mean, I love it, don't get me wrong, but

still. It was a bit much. I didn't gain any weight though, so I think it was alright.

I'm starting my whole life over today, just so you know. I just need to make some

changes, not with Ana, but with the other aspects of my life. I'll need some help

though, so that means I need support.

I know we support each other with Ana, but it would mean a lot to me if everyone

would support me right now, given I'm still fighting to stay with Ana, and making

outside changes.

I'm actually about to go hang out with my friends - you know, the intellectual

ones, and I'm so looking forward to it.

Do good today, my pretties. <3

Life goes on.

I had a fun night tonight. I think this good feeling should last. My

fast was broken tonight - I ate part of a salted pretzel thanks to my friend

Jamie. He's so cute, and he didn't want to eat it all, or waste it, so I ate some.

It's out of my system now, but I still feel bad about it. Otherwise, I feel

amazing. I'm just so glad I have control over things now. So, I'm starting another

fast tomorrow! It's exciting, I love going so long on fasts. (:

Get it girls. <3

Trial and Error.

So, I have a couple of questions for you Ana girls. To begin with:
Do you have a set religion?
Why did you choose Ana to be your best friend?
Was the reason something to do with any of the following;
An escape into a different world.
A matter of personal trauma.
To feel heard.
To have the feeling someone else is going through the same things.
Find friends.
Reality check.
I'm not sure why I'm asking, to be honest. I guess I just wanted to know, so I could get to know other perspectives than my own. Let me be perfectly clear - my life is in no way perfect, but my family life is amazing. I'm super close to my mom. My dad's a great man, a real man. He knows life and everything about it. My sisters, well they understand me better than my parents, but they’re also the least similar to me in every way. They're both beautiful and thin. I've always been jealous of my oldest sister, but at least I'm told I look just like her. She's beautiful, not in the conventional cookie-cutter way, but in the way that makes you do double takes, maybe even triple takes, just to prove she's real.
I'm not unhappy. I'm sure of myself. Self-confidence is something I have never lacked in. It makes me wonder why I chose to blog my ideals and trials with Ana. I think it's a mixture of a lot of things, but I think I might be able to work out the reasoning even better if I had an idea of what others felt on the subject.
I've been with that same group of friends tonight, and they really remind me how smart I am. I love being able to speak with intellectual people rather than the people I hang out with normally. I always feel so much smarter than most people, but these kids, they keep me grounded. I can only hope that you all have people like you that you can share intense, almost life-changing conversations with. I don't know what I would do without them - yeah, they're that amazing. They've turned me onto some simply amazing things lately, especially books. I'm a lover of reading literature. I forget that sometimes, but lately, it's just become more apparent to me, and everyone else.
I think a lot about religion. I'm catholic, if I haven't ever presented that tidbit of information to you all. I grew up a strict catholic, a huge believer in the faith, but lately I've questioned it a lot. I'm not saying I don't believe in God anymore, don't get me wrong. I just came to realize lately that there is a lot of unexplained things in the world I want to understand better. The friends I'm always with, they're all agnostic. So, that might be one of the reasons I've thought so much on the topic lately. Honestly, I'm such a science person. I like to have substantial evidence of most everything, and I can't find anything hardcore on whether or not God exists. I don't think I could ever believe in blind-Faith ever again after the conversations I've had recently.
I also think there is a lot of things, controversial things, that I would love the explanations to. I don't think we ever went to the moon, basically because I've seen the film of the so called "trip to the moon" and things in it just don't make sense: The moon rotates, but the background of the film doesn't change. There is no wind on the moon, but the flag waves. You know, it just doesn't work. I can't believe in it. I think the biggest thing that bothers me about the whole God thing, is that I could never tell my mom I wasn't sure about Him. I would love to be able to just see everything the way most people do, but unfortunately, I'm not sure how to anymore. I even went to Catholic school growing up, and I still don't know why I could believe everything I heard so easily growing up. I guess it was just the influence of religion so young, being brainwashed. I think that's wrong. I just don't know what I could ever do about it, or whether or not I could do anything about it.
I need to find something I believe in. I'm just having a lot of trouble. I wish I could say that everything was as simple as so many people do, but what if they're wrong? What's wrong with questioning your beliefs every now and then. Someone very wise once said that maturity is shown when you are constantly questioning your beliefs and constantly changing your opinion. Otherwise, you'll stay in your ignorance forever. I don't want to be ignorant. I may be wrong about things, but it's what I believe, and it shouldn't have to be looked down upon. I would never force my views on anyone, but I do love a good debate and I think you can't really win a debate. If it's your opinion, it can't be wrong. Opinions are neither wrong nor right, so who's to say anyone has the right to judge you for it?
Alright, so I'm getting way too philosophical right now, so change of subject. I'm doing well on the fast. I had to break it for a few hours today since the parents were home, but I chucked it all back up, so I'm not worried. I'm right back on track, and it was the only mess up in like, 15 days, so I would say I'm doing just fine.
Well, good luck to all of you out there, and just know, I believe in you. <3

Monster.

Today's going to be a better day. It has to be.

Weight today: 143.4. Better than yesterday, still not losing quickly enough.

Self-Discover.

I think I'm going to embrace a new concept on life. Live it for me, and no one else. I'm sick of always wondering what other people think of me, I mean, it's my life and I should be able to live it the way I want to, right? That would be correct, as I answer my own question. I'm one of those weird girls who sits around thinking to herself everything in the world that I happen to hear talked about, and it just makes things seem more real to me. I don't get impatient with myself like I do with other people. I'm just happier knowing I know my own mind, rather than being one of those silly girls who follow someone else. I mean, seriously. Give me a freaking break, I know it's hard to do stuff by yourself sometimes, but everyone really needs to figure out who they are. Learning that the only person you can rely on, is yourself, is just about the best thing in the world to understand. I stopped relying on other people a long time ago, and for good reasons. I'm sick of everything in my life being based on what other people expect of me, rather than what I expect of myself.
On the Ana front, I'm down 2 more pounds. I need to start updating the other parts of my blog to show the loss, but I haven't had much time to do anything but a quick post. Venting, I suppose. And again, I'd like to say how much I appreciate comments. They help me out, more than anyone of you can ever know.


Stay strong ladies. <3