Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Trial and Error.

So, I have a couple of questions for you Ana girls. To begin with:
Do you have a set religion?
Why did you choose Ana to be your best friend?
Was the reason something to do with any of the following;
An escape into a different world.
A matter of personal trauma.
To feel heard.
To have the feeling someone else is going through the same things.
Find friends.
Reality check.
I'm not sure why I'm asking, to be honest. I guess I just wanted to know, so I could get to know other perspectives than my own. Let me be perfectly clear - my life is in no way perfect, but my family life is amazing. I'm super close to my mom. My dad's a great man, a real man. He knows life and everything about it. My sisters, well they understand me better than my parents, but they’re also the least similar to me in every way. They're both beautiful and thin. I've always been jealous of my oldest sister, but at least I'm told I look just like her. She's beautiful, not in the conventional cookie-cutter way, but in the way that makes you do double takes, maybe even triple takes, just to prove she's real.
I'm not unhappy. I'm sure of myself. Self-confidence is something I have never lacked in. It makes me wonder why I chose to blog my ideals and trials with Ana. I think it's a mixture of a lot of things, but I think I might be able to work out the reasoning even better if I had an idea of what others felt on the subject.
I've been with that same group of friends tonight, and they really remind me how smart I am. I love being able to speak with intellectual people rather than the people I hang out with normally. I always feel so much smarter than most people, but these kids, they keep me grounded. I can only hope that you all have people like you that you can share intense, almost life-changing conversations with. I don't know what I would do without them - yeah, they're that amazing. They've turned me onto some simply amazing things lately, especially books. I'm a lover of reading literature. I forget that sometimes, but lately, it's just become more apparent to me, and everyone else.
I think a lot about religion. I'm catholic, if I haven't ever presented that tidbit of information to you all. I grew up a strict catholic, a huge believer in the faith, but lately I've questioned it a lot. I'm not saying I don't believe in God anymore, don't get me wrong. I just came to realize lately that there is a lot of unexplained things in the world I want to understand better. The friends I'm always with, they're all agnostic. So, that might be one of the reasons I've thought so much on the topic lately. Honestly, I'm such a science person. I like to have substantial evidence of most everything, and I can't find anything hardcore on whether or not God exists. I don't think I could ever believe in blind-Faith ever again after the conversations I've had recently.
I also think there is a lot of things, controversial things, that I would love the explanations to. I don't think we ever went to the moon, basically because I've seen the film of the so called "trip to the moon" and things in it just don't make sense: The moon rotates, but the background of the film doesn't change. There is no wind on the moon, but the flag waves. You know, it just doesn't work. I can't believe in it. I think the biggest thing that bothers me about the whole God thing, is that I could never tell my mom I wasn't sure about Him. I would love to be able to just see everything the way most people do, but unfortunately, I'm not sure how to anymore. I even went to Catholic school growing up, and I still don't know why I could believe everything I heard so easily growing up. I guess it was just the influence of religion so young, being brainwashed. I think that's wrong. I just don't know what I could ever do about it, or whether or not I could do anything about it.
I need to find something I believe in. I'm just having a lot of trouble. I wish I could say that everything was as simple as so many people do, but what if they're wrong? What's wrong with questioning your beliefs every now and then. Someone very wise once said that maturity is shown when you are constantly questioning your beliefs and constantly changing your opinion. Otherwise, you'll stay in your ignorance forever. I don't want to be ignorant. I may be wrong about things, but it's what I believe, and it shouldn't have to be looked down upon. I would never force my views on anyone, but I do love a good debate and I think you can't really win a debate. If it's your opinion, it can't be wrong. Opinions are neither wrong nor right, so who's to say anyone has the right to judge you for it?
Alright, so I'm getting way too philosophical right now, so change of subject. I'm doing well on the fast. I had to break it for a few hours today since the parents were home, but I chucked it all back up, so I'm not worried. I'm right back on track, and it was the only mess up in like, 15 days, so I would say I'm doing just fine.
Well, good luck to all of you out there, and just know, I believe in you. <3


  1. this is such a hard question. hmm i cant pin point why i became anorexic, but my counsellor says it has nothing to do with being thin. I was raped at 15 and beaten, my dad divorced my mom because she couldnt have kids anymore and me and my sister werent boys and thats what he wanted, i always tried extremely hard to be the son he wanted me to be, i hate my father so much that he wasnt even invited to my graduation. He has made my life almost impossible.

    Those are my counsellors reasons, but i feel i only do this because i want to be thin.

  2. Um, I was eating disordered to begin with, but in the other direction. I used to go to predominantly white schools and I wasn't really all that accepted. Then I went to mixed school and everyone was a phony and kept backstabbing each other. It was like a mosh pit. From there I went to homeschool but I was really lonely. So I turned to food for comfort and it became an addiction. I was always swiping food from the house. One time I ate a gallon of ice cream BY MYSELF over the course of a week. I think I was ten. So now I'm trying to reverse all of that.
    Also, about your questions about God, if you can't ask your mom, go ahead and question the science. Big bang theory for example: gases came toghether, blew up, formed planets. Okay, but how were the gases here in the first place to blow up at all? It's questions like these that will always lead you back to basically: well somebody had to make it I guess. Then once you've satisfied yourself that even the science needs a somebody, go read your bible and see if you can figure out the rest. :)
    Scarlet <3