Thursday, January 7, 2010

'I'm sick of living on False Hopes.'

Ever wonder who you're going to be when you grow up? Ever think about if Ana will still be an integral part of your life? I do, and I know right now she will be. She's my best friend. The one who understands me, even when I don't fully understand myself. It's a relief really, knowing she's looking out for me. I don't know what I would do without her. I mean, I honestly can't imagine what my life would have been like if she hadn't walked into my life and taken control. I would just be another blind, idiotic girl who thought people cared about me no matter how I look. I was thinking about it, as I was smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee at Waffle House, which is like my second home now, and I realized I don't have many friends like Ana. No one who pushes me to be a better person, to look like a better person. I realize I'm not that old, seventeen sure makes me feel old though. I was also considering how things have changed since I found Ana.
At one point in my life, I would have been just like any other teenage girl, filled with the usual teenage angst that comes along, dealing with nothing bigger than who I'm dating and how much I like the person. I just didn't know before Ana that I don't truly like people at all. I love my individual time. I'm no loner, by any means, I have plenty of friends, but I don't know if they're real friends. I'm ashamed to say it, but it's true. And not to sound vain, because apparently I'm not, but I'm a pretty girl. I'm told all the time that I am, but I would much rather be the skinny girl, than the pretty girl. That's the total opposite of what I felt before Ana. I owe everything to her.
Things in my life have never been more difficult to deal with as they are now, but I feel at peace knowing Ana has my back. She wants me to succeed in the one thing I really care about. Being thin. It's probably sick to most people who would read this blog and think I'm just another 'sick' girl…another lost soul who doesn't know the true meaning of life and being happy. Well, they're wrong. Seriously. I don't know about anyone else, but I'll be happy when I'm skinny and have a better love life. That's probably not the best way to explain it, but it's how it is. I want to be able to have fun with guys without worrying about if I'm crushing them beneath me. Another thing, I've been thinking about the guy I messed things up with by having sex with him. I've been thinking about it almost non-stop since it happened. I'm hurt, yeah sure. Whatevs. The fact of the matter is that I shouldn’t care. He hurt me, betrayed my trust, lost my trust, lost me. I don't know what more I could do for him. I gave him the only thing I was holding onto harder than Ana, and he screwed me over. He shouldn't mean anything to me. Yet, the fact of that matter altogether is that I do care. I suck. I guess it's normal, but I thought I meant a little to him. After all, we were really close, but he fucked up. His loss. I'd like to try something out on you guys, anyone who reads this entry anyways…I'm going to start writing a note to him, and tell me if you think I should send it or not, I'd love some advice on how to handle this, here goes.
Dear Jackass,
I gave you the best of me. I gave you my trust. I have you my heart. I gave you my virginity. I thought I was giving you everything you'd ever want. I was wrong. You slept with me, used me and now I feel dirty, filthy, all the time. I can't talk to a guy without wondering if they would have done the same thing you did to me. I never want to be with a guy again, thanks to you. I want to be able to open up to someone, but you've fucked me up. I don't know if I'll recover from this anytime soon. I relied on you. I trusted you. You even knew I wanted to wait. Maybe not until I was married, but at least until I was ready. I gave in to you. Do you even want to know why? I wanted to give you something no one else had. Everything. I guess I'm not important enough for you. I guess I never was important to you at all. "I guess there's just this weird attraction between us. There always has been, maybe it was supposed to be this way. I'll always find you attractive, I guess." That's what you said to me the first time we made out. We should have stopped then, but no. I gave up more than just that for you. I gave you my time. Time wasted, when I could have been happy with someone who actually cared. I held onto the idea maybe we'd be something more. That's why I cheated on Matt with you. I fucking made mistake after mistake with you. You said it'd be okay, "you just don't like him enough to not cheat on him." Lies. I liked him big time, but I hadn't gotten over you. I don't think I ever will. Who's fault is that? Mine, I can't even blame you for it. I'm tired of wondering what I did wrong. I don't need an answer. Your silence is enough for me. Please never look at me again. I don't need the stress or your apologies. Although, you're not the apology type, are you?

What do you think? Too much, maybe? I don't know. I think it sounds fabu. I'm being a bit of a bitch right now, but if you only understood. He ruined everything for me, when I finally thought I had things on track. Did I ever mention he was the reason I became Ana in the first place? I wasn't even fat back then. After we kept having problems, I would binge, purge, but I'd gain immense amounts of weight. That jerk has no idea his effect on me. A million times I've told myself he's not worth the stress, but I've always fallen back on it. I promise myself to ignore him, but when he seems so innocent and everything, I just cave. I need to stop doing that, already.
I'd just like to say that I really love reading everyone's blogs. During class, when I'm sitting looking at Thinspration, it gets kind of old, so when I check out the blogs, I feel at home. It's a nice feeling knowing that I'm not alone out there. That there are other girls fighting for the image they want. It makes me happy, especially when I'm not feeling fantastic.
I'm sick of the people at my school who think they know everything. They don't know anything if they think they know everything. People need to realize that if you think you know everything, you don't. The ones, like myself, who realized a long time ago that I don't know everything understand that there is so much out there that we don't understand. Like, how a guy can hurt a girl so much. Or how a girl can put herself through so much all because of a simple comment or nasty look. People just don't realize how serious body language is. It lies to you, remember that and you'll stay on the right side of the line between truth and lies. I've decided that while I don't need friends, I will keep the ones I have until I leave for college, after senior year. I really wish I had doubled up so I could finish this year, but I thought I might want to stay around. I was wrong, apparently.
Back on the topic of the jerk, I don't understand why I haven't been able to move on. It's like, I've always believed strongly in the fact that everything happens for a reason, and that life's what you make it, but I can't help thinking that I'm making life suck for myself by not moving on…
I don't know. I'm resolving to move on. It might take some time, but I think I'm strong enough to do it. I've been strong enough not to eat for 10 days, so I think I can handle some asshole guy hurting me. I'm sure I can, actually. It wouldn't be the first time I got over him hurting me anyways. The worst part of this whole thing is that he's the only boy who's ever really hurt me. He's the only one I've ever allowed to hurt me. It's like what Eleanor Roosevelt said, " No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." He's the only one I through my consent away for. I made that mistake once, it will never happen again. I hope. Well, I'm through feeling sorry for myself. And I just want to remind everyone that no matter what anyone does to you, you can figure out a way to move above it all. You don't need those people who talk down or look down to you, you're both special and beautiful, even if you don't think so. Never let anyone make you feel the way I've felt. No girl deserves that.
And I've also forgotten to mention, today is day 11 of the fast, and I'm down another 2 pounds. (:

Good luck, think thin, be thin, live thin. <3>

1 comment:

  1. Girlie, don't send the letter. Keep it. There are a ton of jerks in the world, and sure no one will hurt you in quite the same way as this guy did, but you can't give him that kind of power. I mean the most he could do is say "I'm sorry," but that's not going to erase the hurt you feel. The only way to get over this is to work through it slowly and let time take it's course. You may never get to the point where when you see him your breath won't catch in the back of your throat, and your heart won't twist up, and you won't think of a million ways to avoid him. But you can get to the point where you learn from this. You take your time and don't let anyone pressure you. You won't let yourself be taken advantage of because you were drunk. This is your recovery period. It's time to focus on you. Find a hobby (other than ana) that makes you happy, throw yourself into your school work, write your feelings down in poems or songs. Get it out and rebuild.
    Good luck hunni,
    Scarlet <3