Tuesday, January 5, 2010

'Mama said there'd be days like this...'

So, day nine of my fast. I don't feel quite as sick anymore. It's actually starting to make me feel normal again, thankfully. I don't know how much more of the 'being sick' I could possibly take. Considering I was seriously sick, it's good to be getting better. At least I'll be able to control my eating without any choice at all. Which, is kind of dumb when I think about it, but I'm super controlling, so I guess it isn't that weird. I guess I'm just not in the mood to have something else judge whether or not I can eat, but me. I think this week is going to be okay. I have exams, like I've already pointed out in latter postings, but I'm finally starting to feel like I'll be alright with this. I can use a cheat sheet for one of them, and it's the only one I was worried about. (:
After school yesterday, I went and hung out with some friends. Let's call them Ash, Trish and Eric. I'm using fake names for them, just for their own privacy. Anyways, so we all went to Waffle House to get some coffee and smoke. It was fantastic, and considering how often I go get coffee and just sit in the re to smoke, that's saying something. After we finished up there, Trish and I headed to this spot in my neighborhood where we usually go and park and we walked along the dirt road behind houses just smoking and enjoying silence. She's a lot like me, but then again, she's absolutely nothing like me. While I'm brunette, have hazel eyes, a bigger body, and style (ha) she's a red head, has blue eyes, a bit thinner than me, and she's kind of just awkward - that's being polite. But damn if the girl isn't smart, and that's one of the main reasons I enjoy her company. Everyone else I hang out with is either lame in the way they're too preppy for me, or they talk too much shit about people. She's not like that - she's much more mature, like myself. Thank God. I'd probably go crazy without at least one person trying to keep me sane. And luckily, she's in my AP and Honors classes, so I'm not the only smart one in there, either. (:
I don't know for sure when I'll complete this fast. I'm not getting hungry, but I'm also not getting very thirsty, so I think I'll up the work outs and create a reason to keep drinking. And I'm wondering if anyone out there does anything different diet wise. I understand fasting, and restricting, but is there anything in particular someone can do to lose the pounds quicker? Like, a certain food they only eat or something like that? Since my mom's starting to worry about me not eating, I don't know how much longer I can keep it up, and I don't want to start eating until I have an idea about what I SHOULD be eating compared to what I think I should be eating.
I'm obsessed with coffee and cigarettes. I haven't gone a whole day without having both of them since I started drinking coffee over the summer. Before I'd just make it through the day with the cigarettes, but now I need them both or I'm in a bad mood all the time. It's weird, but that's how obsession works, I suppose. I'm guessing I'm not the only one who drinks it, but I love how it makes me feel as though I don't need food, which is why it goes so well with cigarettes and weed, because it keeps down cravings amazingly.
My jeans are starting to feel less tight, lucky for me. I mean, I usually get the right size, but the ones I got that were smaller than needed, for inspiration to lose the weight, are fitting better. Much better. I've only been back with Ana for a couple weeks. I think this time I can really get focused. Considering how much I partied and smoked over the Christmas break and how much I've been sick, I don't think I have to worry about gaining any weight anytime soon.
Mom asked me if I'm planning on going to the prom this year - I suppose I am, but I don't know who I'll go with. I don't really want to go with a group, but I'd prefer a group to going solo, but then again I don't know how much I want just a date, you know? It's all so confusing. I'll have to start dating again, because I don't want to go to prom and have my date expect things from me he hasn't earned, and I don't do things with boys I don't know. I wouldn't plan on having sex, or anything, but come on. Prom to boys is just another way to get in a girls pants. Everyone knows that. I'm no good at dating though. I'm what they call a recycler. Ha, it's pathetic. I'm forever breaking up with, and then getting back together with guys I've dated a thousand times. It's not so bad, since we can usually get right back into the whole dating scene without the awkward first date and first kiss, but it's never the same after that first date and first kiss, you know? I like the excitement and the butterflies that come with dating, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for it right now. I would love to be, sure, but what about if he found out about this blog and my condition? What if he didn't want me after that? What if he tried to 'fix' me? I just couldn't handle any of that. And, with my luck he would find out almost immediately about this. Or, weirder, he might actually already know about the blog. Ha, yeah right. Not a chance. (:
I'm just spacing, I suppose. I can't keep on topic this morning, probably because I'm listening to music at the same time as typing. I'm in class, which is why I've got to much free time. We have nothing to do thanks to the exams, but it's all good. I was actually lame enough yesterday to go on Barnes and Noble.com and order a book during this class. I got the e-mail this morning saying it's been shipped. Ha. Maybe I should have given them the school address, seeing as how I bought it while in school…but there would be questions from the school, and that's just not worth it.
I've been listening to 90's music so much lately, it's weird. I mean, it's crazy how I remember almost ever song I hear, just because I never considered that I would ever remember them, and actually doing it is beyond insane. A couple indie bands I love have been doing whole records remaking 90's music, and omg it's amazing. I can't get enough of it. I can't even explain it. All the teenage angst music of today compared to the music we grew up with is just so different, I almost feel free when I listen to it. Takes me back to easier times, not worrying about guys, or anything except for how I looked - and pathetically enough, I haven't changed on that issue. Don't get me wrong, I should care how I look, since other people do, but I want to care because of ME, not because I'm trying to impress others.

Sorry, this has been a sappy post, but it's all good. Get it girl, get it, get it, girls. <3

1 comment:

  1. 9 days. i cant even fast for a day. that is incredible! i think i am going to try to fruit fast tommorow.