Thursday, September 17, 2009

Who's in control now?

This was supposed to be my first post - Better late than never! Followed by my post for today. (:

Alright, so my name's Emerson and I'm beginning my Ana Quest today. I'm starting at 16 years old, 5'2 and 149 pounds. I've tried so many different diets and nothing's working. I happened upon a girl's blog a few days ago, and ever since I've been obsessed with reading about her and her own journey with Ana. Ana will become my best friend, my only friend if need be. I'm determined to be thin. I'm determined to be beautiful. I don't think it will take long. I've already been fasting for two days, that's two pounds down! It's exciting. I used to think that maybe this was a bad idea, not eating, but I've felt so much better recently. And I've started back up at the gym I used to go to when I was in cheerleading. My highest weight is 163, and for my height, that is obese. It made me sick, so I finally did something and lost the weight, even though it took forever, and I'm no longer in the obese area. My initial choice for my final and hopeful weight was 135, but now that I think about it, I just want that to be the first step. Maybe the second step if need be, but definitely not the final weight. I want to be thin, and the hell if I'll let anyone or anything get in my way. I've never been one who wrote things down, but then again, I probably need this in order to keep track of how I'm doing. I will no longer sit around and mope about how fat I am. I'm doing something, and I won't stop until I get my results. Remember what Kat said, the need to be thin is great, but the need to be thin and beautiful is greater. No do it, and don't even think for a moment you're anywhere near skinny. You're fat and you know it. So get off your ass and do something else.

Gym - worked off upwards of 610 calories. Dinner - 181 calories. I think I've done well. I ate the same thing last night, with a tiny slip with some dry cereal (I don't even want to know the calories) but then I went for a bike ride, so I'm sure I worked it off.

My parents are glad I'm finally doing something for myself. I don't think I understood before now that if I was going to do something about my weight, I had to do it myself. I know this way seems awfully extreme, but you have to understand that I've been having trouble with my weight since I was in the eighth grade, and even though that was just a couple of years ago, it's been a long couple of years.
When reading Kat's blog, I find more and more about this girl that impresses me. Her determination and strength is beyond anyone's I've ever seen. Beyond my own, for sure. I realize I'm only a year and some months younger than she is, but even now, being as mature and strong minded as I am, I've never showed the kind of raw determination I read about when I check her blog. It's good to know how strongly she feels about it, because it's good to know someone else cares about weight loss as much as I do. While I will learn from reading her mistakes, I won't tell my family and friends about what I'm up to. I know better than to get anyone involved, whether they end up being over-concerned and constantly questioning me, or they go and tell my parents or some other adults on me, I can't let that happen. I've been through so much. I'm already OCD and bi-polar and the idea of me having an ED would blow my parents minds and possibly our worlds up. I know people will think what I'm doing is extreme, but don't we all find something in our lives to obsess over? Whether it's our hair, our faces, our clothes or our popularity. We all do it. I just happen to be one of the ones who obsesses over weight, and while people might find me weird for that, I can't help it. It's part of who I am, and I can't do anything to change it.
Like Kat, I need to find a pro-Ana texting buddy to help me get through the day. While I've done well on my own the past two days, I have a feeling things may get harder down the road. I'll have to look into this soon, possibly later tonight. I have so much homework to do, and I love it. Homework is just my ticket to stay upstairs in my room, work on my homework until I get too tired to go back downstairs, or if I'm still good and energized, it leaves me time to go for a run or bike ride, or maybe even do some of those fun workout vids I bought recently. And let me tell you, they work! I mean, I seriously can already see a difference in my waist and shoulders. It's a miracle. It's just not enough. A little bit is never enough - I just wish I had thought about that before I went and told my mom about my problems when I was in the eighth grade; before I was sent to that doctor because I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks; before my mom realized how messed up I was. Yeah, I'm a relapse. And damn proud.

Think Thin. Thinspration, love.

Again, I should add some things about myself. I'm vegetarian, so I'm not really into heavy foods to begin with, so it's not like fasting is really that big of a deal - yet. Eventually going a couple days with food might start to get to me, but until then - I need to stay strong, so I'll need some serious support. I sound so dramatic, but any of you out there who were just starting out, I'm sure you felt the same way. And a reminder to all of you out there still struggling day to day with Ana; she's worth it, so don't give up on her. She'll be your best friend and help you to become beautiful. Thin is beautiful. Thin is being able to love yourself - body and mind. Thin is what I strive to be. Tomorrow will be day three with only eating 181 calories. Wish me luck, dolls.


Today, (:

Today won't be hard. I've already decided. I was down another lb when I stepped up on the scale this morning. It's now about 1:50 and I'm in APUSH. I haven't been hungry today, mainly because I've been drinking my Gatorade (110), and haven't had anything to eat!
Over and over today I've thought the same thing: "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I finally think I'm beginning to understand it. Ha.
I got sidetracked in APUSH, and now I'm at home eating dinner. I have exactly one salad (Lettuce and 1/2 oz of cheese) and broccoli and cauliflower grilled (with a little bit of salt, I'll regret that one tomorrow).
I went to the gym and worked off over 650 calories, and I only had 110 calories throughout the day, up until this dinner, but it's only like 181 calories, and I'll run it off later when I feel stronger. Starving is one of the best feelings ever, I didn't even feel hungry today. I'm not, but mom will start wondering why I'm not eating dinner, and while many girls can get away with hiding things from their moms, my mom - well she's just too quick for that.
I weighed myself (obsessed much) at the gym and I'm another pound less than I was when I started this blog this morning! It's amazing. I don't know what I'll do if anything happens and I can't feel hungry anymore - it's just so good.

And now I have another incentive to look amazing (thin)! Yeah, that's right. A new boy. He's so sweet too. I mean, he's not like all the other guys who like me for who I am. He likes that I care about the way I look. He's super skinny, so he should care if he's seen with a fat girl! But anyways, I'm so excited. I'm thinking about the fact that he brought up Prom - and I know Prom is months away, but I wouldn't want anyone but him to take me! He's just that amazing, and did I mention how thin he is? My God, it's crazy how much this boy can eat and not gain anything. I'd hate him if I didn't have a huge crush on him! Anyways, I'm working on homework for now. Thinking of how much I hate food and loving how I'm in control now! Let me know if you have any good ideas to keep my mind off of food while I'm at school, (:

Think Thin, Look thin, Live thin.

No comments:

Post a Comment