Monday, September 21, 2009

Veggies <3

: The reason I make it through the day when I’m not fasting. Today was one of those days. And they were so very good. Mom grills them, and omg. I crave them above any other food, even over sugary foods when I’m fasting. It’s crazy, I know. My friend who hits the gym with me every day at a slice of pizza right after we left, and all I have to say that that is – gross. I did not work off 600 something calories just to waste it on pizza, especially considering that that one slice was probably over 600 calories in and of itself. Nasty. Anyways, this friend – well we’re the ones who have the plan that when we both lose 10 pounds, we’ll go out and celebrate – at her rate, I’ll be down another 10 by the time she gets to her first 10. Not that I mind, and it’s not like she knows how I’m losing the weight so fast. I don’t want her to know, honestly. I don’t want anyone trying to talk me out of what I’m doing. It’s working – I look forward to the starving – no one is talking me out of this. I just worry about what she’d think of me if she thought that I – someone she looks to for advice – was doing something harmful towards her own health, you know?
I honestly know that there are some serious health risks that go along with being Ana, but the hell if I don’t think it’s worth it. Don’t you agree? Of course you do. Anyone who reads this is proAna, and if you’re not, please don’t read my thoughts. I’m not here to encourage people to be Ana, but to support those people like myself who are already Ana and knows it’s a lot harder to give up Ana than anyone else might think. I think I like it mostly because of the fact I feel like I can finally control something. Does that sound bad? I want to be thin, and this is one of the only things I can control. I know what I eat – I hate myself when I eat more than I plan. I applaud myself when I do better than I plan – when I don’t eat or drink any calories at all. I know what I want. Says a lot for someone as messed up as I must be, right? Wrong. At least I know what I want. I want to be thin. Do you want to be fat? Oh, you’re one of those skinny girls who have the speedy metabolism? Bugger off. I don’t need you here.
I decided I’m not going to my prom unless I’m a size 4. Which is saying something – I’m a size 9 right now. Fuck. I have a long ways to go, but I know it’s going to be worth it. I’m worth it, I know it. Maybe I’m not right now – in all my fatty glory, but I will be worth it; when I’m thin, when I’m beautiful, when I’m perfect. Lord knows I have the drive to see this thing through – so, girls. Pray for me. Ha. (:
And don’t forget, anyone who needs a supporter, I’m here! I’m way talkative, so I can talk myself out of big eating binges, and I could just help you through not eating your feelings. Especially if you’re stressed in school or whatnot. Enjoy the day girls!

Starving For Perfection, <3

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