Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Don't Question Me
I didn't lose anything yesterday. I stayed the same - I guess that's better than gaining any of that nasty weight back. I'll just work out harder today and eat even less than yesterday (grilled veggies & lettuce & half oz of cheese). I think I'll just eat raw veggies, save those calories and not eat the cheese. I'm obsessing over my ED again. I didn't think I would obsess so quickly, but of course I am. I'm sick of not being as thin as I know I could be.
I've found a new role model - Mary Kate Olsen. I chose her because my texting support (Megan!) told me to choose someone close to my height, and if she can do it, I can do it. Her lowest weight was 88! That's super far away from what I'm at right now, but I'm sure I can at least get pretty close - I hope! (:
Today's been pretty average. I'm not hungry, but I'm looking forward to the hungry feeling I'll get towards the time I head over to the gym. I guess I'll try spend extra time there today since my gym buddy won't be going with me today. I so don't mind going alone though. I can listen to my Thinspration music and look at pictures on my IPod touch, and stare at the girls and boys in the gym who are way smaller than me and remind myself that I NEED to lose the weight.
I weigh myself constantly. I think I need to get my own scale for my bathroom instead of using my parents because my mom's even noticing how much I check it. She won't say anything about it - she's happy I'm doing something for myself. She wouldn't be happy if she knew Ana was helping me to lose it. She thinks it's just me eating right and exercising - how wrong she is.
I have two older sisters - they're both tremendously beautiful and tremendously thin. I kind of hate them for that. I look just like my oldest sister Em, but she's much smaller than me. She did gain a lot of weight before this past summer and was up to 136 (which I hope to be at soon!) and then when I called her fat (this coming from a cow, moo) she decided it was time to lose the weight. She now looks like she's only around 110 pounds, maybe smaller. She's always kept small though. I always thought of her as my role model - because although she wasn't brilliant like I'm said to be, she did have everything I wanted. She's gorgeous, thin, always has a bangin' boyfriend, lots of gorgeous friends (she doesn't feel inferior to) and everything is so easy for her.
I on the other hand have to work like mad crazy just to be kind of okay with how I look. Like Rachel Ferguson says, (hating the reflection in the mirror) I want to be able to look in the mirror and know I look good. My friend Brad asked me last night why I'm not dating anymore (because I haven't dated anyone in months!) and I told him that it was basically because I wasn't comfortable with myself and until I was, I wasn't going to date anyone who might call me beautiful and say I'm perfect the way I am when I'd be lying to myself if I agreed. Because I would agree, if I fell in love with him. Then, later on in the relationship when things got bad, and we ended it, I'd never know if he only said that to keep me around or if he really meant it - I'd probably get depressed and gain even more weight - sorry, but I swear to Ana that will not happen to me.
I've also decided that I won't eat anything that is like, a major sweet for like a couple weeks. I know it doesn't sound like a major feat or anything, but for me it is. I mean, I don't really eat a lot of sweets, but my birthday's coming up in October (25!) and I want to look cute when I go to the beach for the weekend, you digg?
On another note, I'm basically satisfied with how I'm doing thus far. It's no where near where I expected (last time, I lost the weight much quicker) but it may have something to do with the medicine I take for being bi-polar, you think? Ha, anyways. I can't wait to work out today. I feel so encouraged at the moment. I wish I could just leave school and hit the gym for a couple hours. So, not only am I obsessed with my ED, but I'm also obsessed with working out - which btw, is a good thing! Ha.
I told another lie today - my advisor in the library asked me if I would like a piece of chocolate cake - and thinking to myself I was like, "OMG PLEASE! I HAVEN'T HAD REAL FOOD IN OVER A WEEK!" But out loud, "No thanks, I ate a big breakfast." I kind of felt bad for lying, when I could have just said no thanks, but then she may have asked me why, and either way I would have lied. It's not like I'm a bad liar, but the thing is, sometimes I'm too good, and I lie to myself. I'm afraid I'm doing just that as I continue on with Ana. Am I really going to be able to do this? YES! Or do I really think that? Is it worth is to endanger your health to be thin? OF COURSE! But do I really mean it?
Questions and unreasonable, unsolvable, improbable answers. I'll need some more help going today - not that I can't fight off the food - I still won't eat, but I wonder if I should stop being so serious? Even though it makes me feel good. Or does it? Oh well, I'll figure it out.
Thin, Need to be Thin.