Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Give Me My Life Back

The last couple of days have been way stressful. I haven't been talking to my boy, since what happened Saturday night. I don't blame him anymore. I mean, I did, but that was dumb. It wasn't really his fault. I blamed him mostly because I've told him a thousand times that I was waiting until I was married, and I don't know. I just felt like he ruined something for me that was supposed to be special. I can't blame him anymore though. It's not fair to him, since it was partially my decision, whether I was sober or not. I guess I can't really say that I'm not upset with him, because I kind of am, but it's more me upset at myself than anything. I feel like I'm different in a lot of ways.
And damn, tell me how fucked up this is. My boy, after all this had happened, tells this girl about what happened that he just now tells me he's thinking of getting back with. I just can't understand what the fuck he was thinking. He fucking pisses me off so bad. And, even though he thinks I'm the one making it uncomfortable, it's worse for me because I was just becoming close with the girl he's talking to. Oh, let me explain something else - I told him the other day that I was definitely not ready to date him, and he should see someone else. That's why he's talking to someone else. I'd be even more pissed if he happened to be talking to her, at the same time as me, and had sex with me.
My friend Matt thinks I was being too harsh about this whole thing, until I explained all this to him last night, and now he thinks I'm not being harsh enough with him. I guess he's right, but I'm trying to ignore the fact I screwed up. I just need to move on. I wish I could go back and change how it happened. Then again, I knew I'd lose it to him. He must have to, because he came prepared, or so he says. That's what really messes with me. I'd told him a thousand times I was waiting, and yet, as soon as the chance presented itself, he went for it.
I feel used.
I feel abused.
I feel unclean.
I feel impure.
I feel used.
I feel like I don't know where I'm going with my life. I used to know everything about my plans for the future, and now it's just weird to me to even think about the future. I wish I could say that it never happened and go on with my life planning things and being excited about what's to come. I always has this dream my first time would be with someone I loved. I love my boy, but I'm wasn't and am not in love with him. I just don't know how to deal with this. I keep saying I'm moving on from it, but it's going to take me much more time to do it. I just can't figure out how I'm supposed to walk around and act like it never happened. I can't have that part of me back, and I know I'm going to miss it. I'll miss thinking about how much I'd have to love someone to be intimate with them. I'll miss dreaming about how my first time would be.
I think about it just about 24/7. Not the other night, and how it happened exactly, but sex in general. I shouldn't, but I do. It's weird, but thinking about it all the time makes me wan to do it. I'm sure that sounds bad too. I'm not saying I'm sex crazed but this feeling of being a bad person won't go away and it makes me feel like, "Hey! You already did it, you might as well keep at it since you're already impure." And I feel like I hear that in my head, every moment of every day, since it's all I think about. It makes me feel like a sick minded person, which I guess in a lot of ways I am.
My friend Matt, when we were talking about yesterday tried to make me feel better by telling me that when I was a virgin, I was in a small group, but now I'm in the larger group, since everyone at my school is basically having sex all the time - him reminding me of that didn't help me, at all. It just made me feel worse about myself. I don't know what's going to have to change for me to feel less sick about this whole situation. I still haven't been to the health department, but I need to go soon so that I can get things checked out. I've never actually wanted my period to come early so much in my entire life.
Damn him for being there that night. Damn me for being wasted. Damn him for asking me if it was okay. Damn me for saying "yes".

On another note, I'm doing good fasting still. I'm just going to keep going. I'm so sick with myself after Saturday night, I'm not hungry anyways. When I even think of food, I feel bile rise in my throat, so there's no use in trying to eat, especially when I don't want, need or even understand why I should eat. I don't deserve to eat. I deserve to starve. I deserve to be locked away for weeks on end without food. I should have to starve and watch everyone else eat. I swear, right now to everyone who will read this blog that I, Em, will not eat again until I know what's for sure happening with this whole situation. No matter how long it takes. I'll need support, and let me just say that I'm so thankful for texting buddies, especially my newest one, Ashley Arizona. She's been amazing in comforting me and helping me find new sites for thinspro.

Everyone stay strong and remember: Don't make mistakes. Don't fuck up. Keep starving. Don't eat. <3>


  1. tell him exactly how having sex with him made you feel. he needs to know

  2. Honey, I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I don't know if this will help but you can try to think of it like this. Your virginity was your present and someone took off the wrapping before Christmas. You already know what's inside, but you can still put the wrapping back on and wait until the right day to take it off again. That way you still get to enjoy the present on the special day. It's hard but try to forgive yourself a little and don't put yourself in a situation to feel like this again. (I know the metaphor is corny but it's all I could come up with)

  3. Said Boy is an ass for taking advantage of you like that. and flawed is rite, just fight the urge to keep doing it and eventually the thoughts will fade and you'll be almost as "pure" as the day you lost it. just remeber not to mix alcohol, boys, and ana. it just doesn't turn out well. just redeclare yourself a virgin and say F U to the rest of the world. like those brides who wear white on their wedding day, no one really questions whether or not their supposed to wear it.
    Feel better!!
    Scarlet <3