Monday, October 12, 2009

I told another lie today

Today, ladies is my second full day fasting. I've confined myself to only drinking certain liquids, such as fresh fruit juice, water and green tea (diet). Since yesterday, I've already lost a pound. It's very exciting, yes I know! I'm just hoping I can get past the 4 day marker without any problems. I remember making it past day 4 was always the best thing, because after that I can make it for as long as I plan. This time, I'm only doing a 10 day fast, mainly because this is the first fast since I've begun integrating Ana back into my life, so I figured I should start out slowly. It ends on October 21st, if anyone wants to join late. (:
I've decided that I'm really moving on now. I mean, moving past everything dramatic that happened last year. I'm tired of being alone and making up so many excuses. My boy I'm talking to right now, he can handle this. He isn't going to know about Ana, only because I don't know what he would think of me, but I'm not going to hold back from him anymore. I'm sick of excusing myself from our dates because I'm afraid to get too close. If I'm meant to get hurt while with him, then it will happen. I can't make things happen. I also can't know what could have happened without letting it all just go…
Being in control has never been something easy for me to just give up. I hate being out of control. I have to be in control. No one can handle things the way I do, not in the way I like them nor as good of a job as I can. That sounds bad, but it's true. I'm not saying I'm perfect - far from it, but I can handle things much better by myself and in my own way than if I had someone telling me what to do. Which is why I told my mother to forget about dieticians for now, and let me try to work my weight off on my own. She just doesn't know my plans for HOW to get the weight off. I may be lying to her and everyone else I love, but I have no doubt in my mind that they will agree it's worth it when I'm thin.
This week, I've chosen "Courage" by Superchick as my song of the week. It's helped me prepare for this fast, and it's given me ideas to get through it. As for everything else, I just don't know what to do.
I'm cutting this entry short - I have an exam in the morning, I should be studying for. If I don't at least study, I'm just going to bed. I need time to think and relax anyways. Best to all you girls (and guys) going through similar situations.

Think Thin, Stay Strong, Purge Profoundly. <3

1 comment:

  1. I really love reading your blog; every post inspires me to be more hard on myself so that I can get where I want to be, so thank you for that.
    I also feel that I can really relate to some of your problems; I feel like there are some things that I have to do myself because other people just won't get it exactly the way I want it, and I can't deal with that.
    I'm going to join you on your fast, except I'm only allowing myself water as opposed to liquids in general. Also, "Courage" is a lovely song and it's great to find someone who has similar tastes :)