Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Everything Ends

I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about everything in my life, and how I'd like to change it. In order to change it, I need to let go of things holding me back from becoming Brand New, like I would like to be, or at least feel and look. I know it's going to be a tough road, but that's why I'm so glad I have my friends here in the blog community to support me. I'll have my ups and downs, but I'll sure as hell enjoy the ride. So, to begin, I'm going to become more immersed into the idea of devoting myself to Ana. It won't be too difficult, since I know she can help get me through anything, but it just puts more pressure on me to work harder, try harder, do better in order to succeed and make Ana proud.
I messed up quite a bit lately, but I'm back on track now. I've purged myself of everything bad, binged the hell out of myself so I no longer crave those foods and then made a pact with myself to work harder at the gym - even though I already spend two hours there everyday, working out non stop. I know that in order to succeed and make this work, I have to give my all. Not just every couple of days thinking that maybe I should give in, binging because I'm upset, or actually giving up. I need to make sure that I won't question what I'm doing. So, in honor of Ana, I'm redecorating my room. I'm putting up posters of skinny movie stars, anorexic models and good looking actors who will help me to remember how much of a fatty I am every time I enter the room. Because I am, fat, I mean. There's no denying it. Sure, I'm not overweight or obese or anything, but I might as well be - the way I feel. I've given in to food too much over the years, and if I don't stop it now, I may never stop.
So, with Halloween coming up and the need to wear a cute skanky outfit, and me being fat, I need to lose the weight. My plan is to fast every other day, and only eat fruits and veggies (under 300 calories) every day in between. Today will be my fruits and veggies day, since I already had some grapefruit (38 calories). I'm pretty positive this will work. I mean, I'm a vegetarian, and I mostly only eat fruits and veggies anyway, but the big thing will be to add more water to my diet, which is really only a term for what I eat, not an actual diet. You can't technically fast and be on a diet at the same time, so that's why I explained it. Ha. OH! I already picked out my Halloween outfit. I'm going to be a gypsy. I always thought gypsy's were amazing, so I figure why not be something I'm interested in? I mean, it was either that, or a Vampire, and most of my friends would think that was weird, since I have a huge obsession with them. Mainly, because I'm big into reading, and most of the books I've read and bought are about vampires. I mean, it's no big deal or anything, but I don't see why my friends have to be such downers on me. It's not like I walk around dressed like one everyday - but I have a feeling that if I showed up to trick-or-treat fest wearing a vampire costume, they'd make me leave and change or something dumb. Ha. Anyways, the gypsy's skirt is tres short, so I need to work on my thighs like crazy before I even attempt to try on the outfit again. I guess if I can't get my weight down by then, I'll probably just go as a nun or something, wear one of those shapeless dresses so no one can see my fat stomach and legs. UGH. Why do my calves and my arms have to look so fantastic and yet, nothing else can look right?!
The thing with me, is that, even though I have some great features, I never notice them until other people point them out. Like, my boobs for instance. Guys are always noticing them, but honestly - I'd give them up in a heartbeat to be skinny and boobless. Seriously, I need this that bad. It sounds pretty bad, and a lot of guys like me for my boobs, but I want to be liked because I'm beautiful and skinny - not "pretty with big boobs" you know? I don't know, maybe I'm trying to make something work here that just isn't there.
Update on Boy Toy: So, we're hanging out more regularly (when I don't have to hit the gym to punish myself for getting too comfortable around him) and things are going pretty well. It's obvious he likes me, but I don't know why. I can't ask him, he might think I'm insecure, which I'm seriously not. I just need to know why he likes me. A girl always wants to know, right? I mean, there's nothing wrong with being curious. Especially when he's this major jaw-dropper and I have absolutely no looks compared to him. Guys like him have always noticed me, and I've hooked up with them, but only for random hook-ups. He actually likes me, for me. Or so I think. Lords knows, this could be about some bet he lost or what not. I hope it's not, I mean how high school dramatic movie is that? Ha. We went out and walked the train tracks behind our neighborhood the other night (YES! He lives down the street!) and held hands. It was so sweet. And kind of scary, but he said he'd take care of me if anything happened, and not to worry. So I didn't. Worry that is, I was shivering over our closeness, which he took as if I was cold, so we went back to his house and snuggled on his bed and watched Family Guy. Romantic, huh? You'd think it wouldn't be, but it was nice. (:
Other parts of my Life: Not going as great. I mean, everything's cool with school. I do well in all my classes, but I also don't hang out with my friends as often. I get up, get ready, go to school, hit the gym immediately after, go home, shower, do homework, check Facebook, watch a little of Bones and then pass out. That's EVERY SINGLE DAY for me. Seriously, nothing every really changes, until the weekend when I spend Saturday outside trying to get as much exercise as possible, Saturday night I usually go out with my friend Brent, and he's gay so it's not big. Sunday I usually sleep in, get ready, spend the afternoon with Boy Toy and then hit the gym later in the afternoon before I make sure I have all my homework done, go to bed and wake up and do the same damn routine as every other weekday. I feel as though I don't have a life, as if something's taking it over, but I like it. I know Ana's becoming a more prominent member in my life, and I thank her for that. Sure, I miss hanging out with my friends more and more, but I also lose weight and feel more comfortable when I'm working out than I ever did.
"I'd like to think the best of me, but every time I look at me I feel like throwing UP!"

Stay Strong. Think Thin. Blaze Baby.<3


  1. So glad to hear ana's becoming more prominent in your life; I wish you the best of luck!
    Also, I really like your idea of every other day being a fruit/veggie day; I might take that up after my current fast to stop people becoming suspicious. Thanks for the idea!
    I completely agree with you on the Halloween thing; I'm going to a party and I am determined to look as skinny as possible in whatever I end up wearing. We should check back after Halloween and see how we both got on, if you're upto it that is :)

  2. Alright girl, sounds good to me. I'll be sure to let you know how I do. (:

    And I'm glad to have helped, even just a little bit.


  3. Great, here's hoping we both do well :D

  4. Oh that's awesome that u'r doing a new plan!!! I know what you mean when u say that everyday seems exactly like the one before. BTW, the reason Boy Toy likes you is because u'r a sweetheart! so relax and enjoy. I feel you on the big boob thing too, i would kill to take off just some of mine. they're too big. I can't even think of buying bras in victoria's secret(they only go up to DD, and I am DDD!) so TTYL, and happy blazing!
    Scarlet <3

  5. Seriously, I'll pray for us. (:

    And thanks Scarlet. That really made me feel better. You're awesome. :D