Halloween. All Hallows Eve. My favorite, absolute favorite holiday. And I didn't get to even celebrate it. Great way to start this week. At least I didn't go trick-or-treating so I didn't eat a ton of candy and mess up with the weight loss I've magnificently kept going. My friend got in trouble for having cigarettes and his parents don't approve, so neither of us went to that amazing party we were supposed to go to downtown tonight. Way to go buddy.
I've been considering quitting smoking. I don't think it would be hard, but anytime I've stopped in the past, I've gained a butt ton of weight after just a couple weeks of no cigarettes. I don't think my psyche could handle that at the moment, so I'm not sure when I'll start seriously thinking of quitting. I realize it's bad for your health, but so it the sun. I won't stop going out into it though.
I got my period - that's just about the best thing that's happened to me in the last couple of days. It's got me less stressed out about everything, so that's good. I slept better last night knowing I didn't have to worry anymore. I stayed with my baby boy M and I just felt so much better. The bad thing about being on my period - I feel huge. Like, I don't even get bloated, but I feel like I do. It's weird, don't ask. I'm scared to weigh myself tomorrow when I go to the gym, but I need to and maybe once I get back off my period, things will go better with my weight. I thought since I was so worried lately, my weight loss would increase since I haven't been eating much, stressed out as I was, but I don't even know. I didn't take the time to check my progress. I've seriously been that paranoid about being preggers. I've decided to make a new resolution though.
No more fun/sex/drinking/eating out/reading until I lose another 10 pounds, and hit a 20 day fast. I made it to 15 days last time, but I really have to complete this one.
I'm a strange kid, and I know most people would celebrate no reading, but I'm talking reading for fun, and yes - I read for fun. I admit it freely, no one's pointing a gun to my head, my mom's not standing right behind me reading what I type - I just truly enjoy reading.
I was walking around earlier, humming to myself, texting M and smoking a ciggy, and I thought to myself, 'Hey. If you can keep this up, you could be skinny. You could be beautiful.' And I realized that's exactly what I want. Of course that's why I'm here blogging, to point out how much I need to lose weight, to find people who understand that incessant need I have to be beautiful, but it really hit me while I was walking, so I felt I should share my revelation.
I haven't actually posted in a couple of days, but trust me. No one's missed anything special happening to me, or just in my life in general. I've just been questioning who I should trust, who I don't trust and why, and basically everything there is to question, I've done it. Questioned it that is, I'm not that screwed up. I've thought about sex a lot lately. I'm not even quite sure why. I don't think it's because I want to have it, just that it's such a big deal to me, and no one else I know seems to be bothered by it. And okay, maybe I do want to have it, but you can't sue me for that. It was good, the after-effects felt good, but I stand by my choice to be revirginized. I've actually considered going to confession and seeing how many Mary's I'd have to say to reclaim it. I'd probably be praying until I lost my voice or possibly undid all the beads on my chain.
I have really cute clothes. I'm not even being a bitch about it. I just totally have the cutest clothes. It's all name-brand, and I'm actually considered a brand-whore. I'm forever getting compliments, and it's a bad day if I only get say maybe 2 compliments on what I wear. But I feel like a cow in all of them. I know I must look like a cow in them, but people are too polite to say anything about it. I just wish they would come out and say how fat I look. Even if my clothes are cute. 'Be a real friend and give me the honest to God truth and maybe I'd like you better.' That's what I feel like saying, but instead I just say, "Thank you." I feel so fake saying it too. I don't really like that you've said it. I really want to bash your face in. Especially if you're skinny. Especially if you're skinny because of a speedy metabolism. Especially if you're skinny because you work out, because bitch I work out and it takes me forever to lose weight. But once again, I don't say anything like that. I try not even think that way, but it's true. It's how I feel. And now I don't know if anyone agrees with me, but I think maybe I should work a lot harder to lose weight so maybe one day I won't feel so negative towards these fake people and I can be just as fake back.
I think I'll begin my fast tomorrow. Sunday seems like the perfect day to begin. It's the first day of the week. The first day of the new month. A new beginning, so to speak. I'll restrict my fast to water, coffee (with sugar/creamer on good days), green tea and possibly so G2, just to keep my electrolytes up. I'll update as often as possible. I've got a busy couple of weeks ahead of me. Wish me luck.
Stay strong girls, never give up, even if the world's pushing you down. <3>