Thursday, October 15, 2009

And you are not it

Day 5 of the fast. It's going well. I'm still kind of stressing though. Not about school or anything, but about something that happened yesterday. Let me explain.
I went to my friend Macy's last night to smoke a few ciggs since I can't smoke at my house, and we were out smoking. She went inside for a few minutes - I was on my third one and all the sudden I felt like I would be sick. So, I put out my smoke and walked into the house. I almost made it to the bathroom before I blacked out. I was only out a few seconds, but it made an impact. I haven't blacked out in such a long time, I wasn't prepared. I'm more prepared now, for if it happens again, but I just need to make sure I keep my blood sugar levels up. It’s just hard to do when I only drink water and sugar-free drinks. Not eating isn't hard or anything, but sometimes when I think about blacking out, it reminds me how important food much be to diabetics and people who suffer from low blood sugar and follow Ana. I feel for those kind of people.
I've made another decision, mainly about what I need to change in my life. I think that I should probably keep the fast going longer. You know, just to see how far I can make it. 5 days left, and I don't honestly know if I'm ready to give up the feeling of Hunger. It's empowering and I thrive with it. I feel better, especially when I feel my stomach in pain, it just reminds me of what I have to lose and how much control I have. It's actually pretty much the most fantastic feeling I've ever had. There's really nothing like it. Especially when you know how much you want something, and after a while, you don't even notice the food missing. Except maybe when you see the weight falling off. (:
Today feels like it's been going by really slow. I'm not even sure why. I haven't done much in school today. I have plans to hit the gym for 2 hours immediately after school, run by the doctor's office and get a flu shot (gross) and then I'm babysitting for a friend while she's out to eat with her beau. Her son's absolutely adorable.
On another note: my friend Macy's having a party Friday and Saturday night. Friday night just a few close friends are coming over and we're going to have a more intimate kind of party. Saturday, we're celebrating a friend of hers birthday and so we're having a complete blow out. It's going to be amazing. I probably won't drink or anything Friday - save any calories I gain for Saturday when everyone's around and I won't have to hold back. I need to Google the calories in all the drinks I usually have to I can total up what I can and can't have.
My stomach's starting to hurt again. Just in time. I'm about to go to the gym. If only the school bell would ring so I could leave this place and get started. I mean, like seriously. I love working out when my stomach hurts. It makes me focus more on sucking in and what I need to work on, once again. Not that I don't feel all the fat on my body, but the idea's the same. I've been trying to find more music to listen to while I work out, when I'm alone but I'm having trouble finding anything new that I like. If anyone has any ideas, let me know please. (:
OH! And I should also mention, I've decided to take things even slower with my boy. He's going to the parties with me, but I'm afraid he might expect something from me, more than I'm willing to give at the moment. I don't mean, you know, sex. I mean like, he might want something more emotional and I'm honestly just not prepared for anything like that at the moment. Maybe after I've seen the shrink and have an idea about why I can't find close attachments to people, then I'll try it, but not until then. I do like him, very much. I just can't seem to make myself want to be something more with him. It's weird. I'm physically attracted, and while I feel like I feel something for him, I know it's just lust, but I'd like for it to be more, which is why I'm working to get better at this whole personality improving thing.
I hope everyone's having a great week, and I'm so glad tomorrow's Friday - and homecoming Friday at that! Wish me luck looking good in the dress I just got. Even though, we all know I won't.

Fast Fantastic, Slim Skin, Starve on Ladies. <3

1 comment:

  1. I hope you had an awesome homecoming Friday!!
    I loved your post. I don't think there was anything in particular about it that I adored, I just really enjoyed reading it!
    When I get those black outs I try having a Gatorade G2, it brings my sugar levels back up and also helps with the electolights... just an idea!
    Stay strong hunnie! Good luck with your fast!