Monday, October 19, 2009

Go Fuck Yourself

I messed up last night. I'm so ashamed of myself, you've got absolutely no idea. I ate pizza, even though I'm supposed to be on my fast until Wednesday. The thing is, I ate because Wednesday night after my friend Macy's I had a fainting spell, and then yesterday at school I kept feeling faint, and I figured eating a little something would make me okay. The hell if I didn't screw up and totally binge on pizza. It's just so frustrating. I decided that I'm just going to move on from it, finish my fast I'm on - ending Wednesday - and then start anew. I can't let set backs like this mess up all the progress I've felt. I know it's crazy but I already feel like I'm not hungry enough. After the first 5 days on it, I was having the most incredible pains, and now I don't feel them. Eating last night was a big mistake. I couldn't even get rid of it, I was babysitting at Macy's and if Wes had noticed I was getting sick in the bathroom, he might have mentioned it to his mom. I couldn't have dealt with that. He loves me, and it would have made me look bad, since I wasn't actually sick. Except in my head.
I'm sticking to just coffee, water and a little bit of G2 today. I won't even consider anything else. No more calories than usual. I'll definitely be at the gym longer today too. I can't mess this up. Damn, I'm so angry with myself. I haven't even told my mom I ate last night. She's surprised I was serious about fasting after all of my fluctuating weights when I was younger and had Ana. She didn't know about Ana, of course, but she knew something was wrong. I rarely ate and now that I'm back to my old ways, I'm just worried she'll figure it out. I think maybe mentioning seeing a psychiatrist wasn't the brightest idea either. But I still need to see one, so I'll move on. If she considers it, I'll just lie like I usually do and tell her she must be crazy to think I'd ever do something so stupid, especially when it could kill me.
Better dead, than fat.
I wonder if you can get depressed with Ana. I have all the support I need, but I feel like it's draining me to keep going. I know it's important. It's the most important thing to me ever. Yet, I can't help but think that maybe I'm messing up more than I think. I don't spend a lot of time with my friends - I'm so obsessed with my weight. Which, is a good thing, right? Of course it is. Who am I kidding. I know it's okay. I just need to get some more inspiration and move on from there. I'll be fine. It's no big that I mess up, we all have our weaknesses, right? Right. So, from right now - I won't complain anymore. There's no point in it, seeing as how I know other people out in the Ana community are probably having the same problems, and I doubt very much that they're complaining as much as I do.

October 19, 2009
It's been a couple days since I started this entry, and I forgot to post this. So, I'll finish it now. I guess I could fill you in on the past couple of days. I'm back on track fast wise. I'm losing weight, so I'm happy. I'm in a bad mood though. This weekend, I partied hard. And I did something that messed up my life. I'm trying to pretend it never happened, but people have videos and pictures of me making the biggest mistake of my life. Let's just say, I lost more than just my drink, underwear and bra Saturday night.
I don't know how it even happened. I don't even know when my boy got to the party, I was that messed up. I'm still sick, and it's Monday. I'm sore, and even though at the time it felt good, I'm actually freaking out now. The more I come out of my hysteria and am no longer hung over, I'm starting to be more ashamed and hate myself even more for this. The really sad part is that the other day, I had actually decided that I didn't care about being safe anymore - I wanted this to happen. Now, I'm going back on my word, being hypocritical and it sucks. I'm trying so hard not to worry about what people are saying, but damn. Word's gotten out. We didn't use protection, because we would have needed like 5 boxes of condoms to cover what all we did.
I'm sick in my mind, and to my stomach. I'm afraid drinking so much has left me with alcohol poisoning or something. I don't know. I'm getting my friend Matt to take me to the Health Department after school within the next two days - I need birth control. Not because I plan on doing this again - I won't be doing it again for a very long time, but I do need to take a pack. I can't allow myself to make a mess out of my life by getting pregnant.
My boy's trying not to worry, but he is anyways. I shouldn't be, but I'm absolutely pissed at him. I don't mean to say he took advantage, but he should have known better than to ask me when I was drunk. Like I said, of course I had already decided I was going to do it anyways, but fuck. I just didn't expect to do it so soon, nor did I expect to regret it. My friend Matt thinks he took advantage of me. I don't really agree, seeing as how I actually did think about it when he asked, but I went and did it anyways. I'm just not in the best mood today.
I know this is a different kind of entry, but I felt I should vent about this. I have so much to think about, and I'm worrying like crazy. Anyone who has any advice, any encouragement, or anything to say to me to try and help me through this, it would be much appreciated.

Strive for Perfection. <3


  1. Wow, I can see why you're feeling down :(
    Don't worry, be optimistic; everything will be OK in the end, and you can still be skinny despite setbacks.
    Unfortunately I'm useless at comforting people and giving advice, so all I can really say is I hope things start looking up soon. Don't fret hun, we're all here for you! :)

  2. wow what an awful weekend. me and my boyfriend have a rule that if i even have 1 drop of alcohol in my system or vice versa, we cant do anything like that with eachother at all. because we consider it taking advantage. no matter how drunk i am and how much i beg for it and say that i want to, its not allowed lol