Monday, October 26, 2009

'Your Heart Just Melted'

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Mom's asking me questions about the whole Ana thing, she suspects again. I can't allow her to fuck this up for me. It just won't fly this time, not if I have anything to say about it. I need this. Especially after all the shit I've been through lately. It's just wrong for her to assume something, I haven't left any trails. And yet, there it is. I feel like she doesn't trust me, and honestly, she shouldn't but it hurts all the same that she doesn't. I don't blame her. Not after the last time. I know I fucked up when I was younger, but my biggest mistake was allowing myself to be found out. I don't know, I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
It's my birthday Sunday. I lost my virginity a week exactly from the day I'm turning 17. It's weird. Ha, but whatever. I finally talked to my boy, and had an almost normal conversation. I explained that I was hurt, but I didn't have the time to explain exactly how he's hurt me. I just wish he hadn't been talking to this other girl. He told me they aren't talking anymore - she "hates" him. Her? She better get in line.
I'm with my oldest sister for the weekend, and thank God it's a long weekend. You know what's funny? Even after all the shit I've been through lately, I still believe in God. I still think that he wants me to be my very best, make him proud, be shown in his likeness. I think, even if you aren't a believer, that everyone out there knows Jesus wasn't some ugly, fat guy who everyone listened to. People don't listen to ugly and fat people. I assume Jesus was an amazingly good looking, thin man. I might sound crazy saying that, but even I know that I would rather follow some crazy radical thinker who looked good than some nasty skank-looking dood.
Continuing from the start of my weekend - it's been such a long weekend. I mean, I loved all the time away from the gay town I live in, but I feel like I messed up so bad. I haven't weighed myself since I've been home, mainly because I'm afraid too. We smoke trees so much, and the munchies wouldn't go away, so I binged. Not because I was hungry-hungry, but because when I get high, I get the munchies like a bitch. I couldn't stop smoking either, so I spent the whole weekend doing it. I'm way upset with myself, but there isn't much I can do about it. I'm fasting again, starting tomorrow for probably another 14 days. I would start today, but I still have the munchies from the last go-round with the bowl.
I don't think I gained any weight, I kept getting sick to my stomach every time I ate, but the fact I ate all that was killing me. I hadn't eaten in 15 or so days, at least it would have been 15 if I hadn't slipped up at day 10, but it was only applesauce, so sue me. It was still a slip, I understand that. All I know is that, if I get hungry today, I'm going to eat. Just to get the munchies out of my system, and then I'm going to purge and use some laxies when I get home from the gym tonight. And ladies, let me tell you how well laxies work AFTER you go to the gym. You get your body all worked up and your metabolism going, so it makes it easier for your body to release. I know that's probably gross, but we're all friends here.
I guess I'm done stressing about the whole thing from last weekend. My boy and I are done. I told him so just last night - and yesterday just happened to be my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. :/ I told my sister about it while I was staying with her. She was disappointed in me, but she won't tell mom, and she said that it was just an experience fate happened to send on to me, even though I didn't want it. She really just hates that I don't remember it, or that my first time wasn't the special occasion I had always thought I would get. Oh well, karma's a bitch. I should have gone out with that kid from the library when he asked me. Maybe none of this would have happened. I could be dating him, and not making dumb attempts at loving being single. I do love it, don't get me wrong, but I always get into trouble without a boyfriend.
Sex really isn't that big of a deal to me anymore. I want to start fresh. Revirginized, I guess. I won't lie though. Today was the first morning I woke up and wasn't sore - and I kind of miss the feeling. Sick as that is, I know I won't be having sex anytime soon. I made a promise to myself. Either, I'll wait until I'm in a really strong and sturdy relationship to do anything, or whenever my thighs don't touch. They don't really touch-touch, but I feel like they do. My legs just need some help. Maybe I'll change the rules and have it to when I'm at my first goal weight. I guess that means - 20 more pounds? I could do that lickity-split, but hopefully it will give me enough time to get passed this whole thing emotionally. Well, I'm hungry now - so, I'm off to the bathroom to binge-purge. Enjoy the day ladies.


1 comment:

  1. Happy B-day, and I totally agree with you about Jesus. I always imagined him not so much thin, but deff well built as he was a carpenter and there was no wood really back in those days, it was STONE. So I am sure he was deff not fat and deff not ugly. LOL. Good luck with you new fast!