Saturday, October 10, 2009

Where are you now?

Today was so stressful, and I fucked up so bad. I ate so much. I didn’t have much of a choice, but I can’t make excuses. I disgust myself. Damnit. I wish I could take it all back, which is exactly what I’m trying to do. I’ve taken a couple laxies and pills, so it should all be gone soon. I hope. I hate when I go to bed and wake up with extra weight. It takes so long for me to get rid of it, and I just need it gone. When it pops back on, it just makes me hate myself even more. I don’t even know how it got so out of hand. I didn’t eat anything for breakfast, as usual. Lunch, mom made me eat a serving of macaroni and cheese with some green beans. No big, I got rid of it. But then, after church, we went to celebrate my grandma’s birthday, and went to Lizard’s Thicket – nasty food. My mom made me eat what I ordered though – grilled cheese with a side salad (I’m vegetarian and they have nothing vegetarian friendly). And then came the cake. THAT NASTY MOTHERFUCKING CAKE. My grandma watched me eat it. She stared at me until she saw I was eating it and had finished it. She even gave me “an extra big slice” because she “knows I love her cake.” She’s wrong. I hate it. Now that I know I want to be skinny, I hate everything she makes. I couldn’t tell her that though. So I suffered through it. And now I hate myself. I hope it was worth all my self-hate Grandma.
Then, I had plans to go to this “major rager” in town, but of course thirty minutes after I got there, the cops were called because the music was too loud, so I left before they caught up with all the underage drinkers. Ha. Thanks for a sucky night. Sometimes I feel like the worlds working against me. Does that sound odd to you? I guess it’s pretty odd to think, but that’s exactly what I think. The world doesn’t want me having fun, so it ruins my good times. Whatever.
I had to go get new glasses, the day after I lost them (yesterday) I had to go to the eye doctor and buy a new pair. I miss my red ones, but my new black ones are just like the red ones, except for color-wise. It sucks, but at least I can see now.
And my plans for after the party got messed up. Now, I’m sitting around doing nothing (except typing this) and checking FaceBook because my date for after the party is still out partying with his friends. We’ll call him C. Well, C – hm. How can I explain my relationship with C? I guess I could just call us friends with benefits. I keep a distance from him mostly because he’s a couple years older. I mean, I’d so totally be all over him to date if it weren’t for the fact that he’s moving soon. Yeah – to pursue his music career. His band’s doing really well and they’re about to start touring with A Day to Remember and all these other similar taste bands. It’s exciting, and don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy for him. I just hate he’s leaving me. And that’s so selfish of me. I’ve only known him a few years, but I feel like he’s deserting me. It might be a good thing though. Whenever I think about it, I lose my appetite. Maybe I’ll just think about it all the time. Save myself any thoughtless eating time. I’m just looking forward to spending as much time with him as possible over the next couple weeks before he leaves.
My thoughts lately have also got me thinking about finally having my cherry popped. Yes ladies, I’m the Virgin Mother. Ha. I’m proud of myself for holding out this long for a good guy. I still don’t have a stable relationship, but I’ve been thinking more and more lately that maybe waiting until I’m married is a bit extreme. Barely any of my friends are virgins anymore. Not saying I only want to lose it so I’m not the only virgin, but they make it seem like no big deal. The only thing for me is that I’m worried that after I do it, I will see it as a bigger deal than all my friends are making it, you know? I’m not sure. It’s not like I’m in a hurry or anything, but I’m starting to think that if I found the right guy, I could possibly make it work.
It’s been a long day – and it will be an even longer next couple of hours waiting for C to get home. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m off to do something to keep my mind off of all the food I ate today – like purge or something. I need inspiration. Help?!

Lonely and Suffering.


  1. Trust me, feeling like the world's working against you is not an odd thing to think; I've felt like this practically everyday for a while now. The only thing I use to get through it is reminding myself that in the end, everything will be worth it when people notice how skinny I am.
    And I know *exactly* what it feels like to have a grandma like that. Mine bakes a lot of sweet treats too, and she seems to take great pleasure in making sure my eating patterns are "normal". When I was a couple of years younger and trying to lose weight in a more accepted way, she would always tell me not to do anything stupid like "those girls you hear about in the news". Yeah well, I'm one of them now and she doesn't even know.
    I don't know if this can help you inspiration-wise, but it does make it a little easier for me to get through the day with no food: every time I get a craving or something, I think to myself, 'By not eating that, I am achieving my goal. Achieving my goal makes me happy, because I will be skinny. Eating that will make me unhappy.'
    I really hope this helps you in some way, and know that you're not lonely because there's so many other people out there who feel exactly the same way. I'm here for you, at the very least.

  2. I know exactly what you mean! Its so freakin annoying when they just stare at you! I have cravings sumtimes but I then look at thinspiration and dream about how skinny i can be and it curbs my appetite. btw please follow my blog
    good luck!
    Skinny Sasha

  3. Hey, it's cool. I mean at least she's not forcing you to eat EVERYDAY. it could be worse. And since you took laxies it'll be easier to work off. And don't panic about the V-card thing, I've still got mine too. Think of it this way, as long as you have the V-card, no guy will ever dump you once he's slept with you like so many of my friends. :)
    Stay Strong!
    Scarlet <3